Chapter 5 -May pt. 1

As it's now 3/4 of the way through the month, I am just now getting the energy to begin this "Chapter." So much has happened this month and it's just been crazy. For someone who is very instinctive, this month has been chaotic and emotional. With 3 lunar eclipses and coming up on a Super Moon, this is a very strong emotion time. The weather has been bad, at best. The gardens are late getting started, and the landscaping is still a project on the list. The project list is still plenty long, even though we have crossed a few items off it.

We had the excitement of finally getting a deck on the front of our house this month. Then the excitement of having a roof to cover the deck. Then 2 litters of piglets born a few days before planned. Lots of cool weather, stormy weather, and cramming as much as humanly possible into the days it's not cold and rainy. It's made this month busy, crazy and exhausting. We are still trying to get organized from moving onto our hayfield. That has been a challenge within itself. The older I get the more I am finding a need for organization, simplification, and finding balance within myself. Having 2 little's makes cleaning/organizing a real challenge. The oldest is really into antiques, and learning the history of everything possible. The youngest just leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes...but hey, that's part of being 4, right?! I have found so much pleasure in the web site Pinterest. I know, everyone seems to have found it, but there is so much useful information and ideas there. The kiddos and I have gotten science projects, school ideas, recipes, gardening and home decorating ideas from there. It's fun to find little tidbits that allow us to explore new avenues.

This month has had so many emotions attached to it, up and down. I'm finding that even though I have a very large family, I do not feel like a part of it most of the time. I am proud to be part of it, but always feel like an outsider. I have several friends that I depend on more than I think they realize. They are the handful that are always there to listen, they encourage me, aren't afraid to tell me when I'm not thinking straight, and feel more like family than friends. There are friends that I would love to talk to and miss talking to, but haven't in years, in some cases. In other cases, it's not been that long, but feels like a lifetime. I don't have many people that I let into my inner circle, but there are a few. They are the ones that know me, know my personality, know my heart, and are still there through thick and thin. It's those in that inner circle I miss everyday. We may talk by phone or internet, but to be able to sit, have coffee, and visit for hours would be the best gift ever! Since my emotions have been all over the map this month, it's been difficult to talk to some for fear of saying something I will either regret or saying something and having it come out wrong. So, I have spent a lot of time biting my tongue and keeping to myself this month.

Emotions are such a strange thing. Some days you can feel like you could take on the world...and win. Other days you feel like the world is ganging up on you and you just can't win for losing. While I can usually stay positive no matter what is happening in life, the last couple of months has really challenged that. I have spent more time feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated, and honestly like no one cares about me as a person. I have spent several years learning about myself. Knowing my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, etc. As a Mom and a Wife, you are pulled in so many different directions all the time, it's hard not to lose who you are as a woman. It doesn't matter if you are a stay-at-mom, or a working mom...when a woman is a mom, wife/gf, or significant other...woman need to retain an identity beyond Mom and Wife. So many of us dive into our lives, we focus on being a "great" Mom, or a "Trophy/Perfect" wife; that we forget who we are and were before being a Mom and Wife. I honestly believe that because of this, many women not only lose their self-identity but also lose sight of their value in society. We are inundated with the images of the perfect mom and wife from television, movies, and the internet. Even my favorite web site, Pinterest. You go on there and see all the pins of projects, home decorating, fitness, etc. and some compare themselves to those pins and feel like they have not done everything they should do. I will tell you, most of my pins are just dreams, ideas, and options. 90% of them I haven't done, haven't tried or made. Many of the recipes I have...because I get bored with the same crap! ;)

I am not perfect at anything!!!!!!!!!! My house is usually a mess, I have 25 projects going at any point in time and rarely get all of them finished before starting 25 more, my kids are usually filthy by days end - everyday!, I hold grudges(some longer than others), I get angry and say things I shouldn't, many days I feel isolated from everyone and everything, I hate feeling inadequate, I have a obsession trying new things(even if unconventional!), I am happy to embrace the fact that many consider our family odd or old school, I don't always feel capable of living the life I live. Many times I don't feel capable of being the best mom possible for my kids, or the best wife possible to my husband either. Some days, my biggest accomplishments consist of just getting dressed and not breaking anything in the process. There are days I feel like everyone takes advantage of me, and other days I intentionally reach out to friends and family because I need a boost in my self-esteem.

By choosing the life, I now live, 15 years ago....I knew I had an uphill battle to find my own place. I was not raised on a farm, only visited one occasionally that a friend lived on, and spent more time in town or in the city. I didn't have the faintest idea what I was getting into when the journey began with my husband. I was not the ideal woman to fit my husbands life, I know that, but for some reason...he fell in love with me. He scared the hell out of me, honestly. Before we were even dating he told me he loved me. I wasn't ready for the huge step we made, but through all the ups and downs, here we are...coming up on 14 years of marriage. Although I am still learning, still have a lot to learn and still feel inadequate many times, I feel as though I have come into a life that offers so much. I left behind the only life I had ever known to embark on a journey into the unknown...for me, anyway. Living 2 completely different lives has given me such an amazing opportunity to grow. I left a life that was break-neck fast, that was extremely stressful, and full of materialistic stuff. I left that for what years ago, I referred to as backwoods hillbilly. I have always laughed that I found B.F.E. ;) Now, I realize what an amazing gift I was given. We have a very laid back life. Not overly stressful, not full of the latest and greatest...but items of use, a life of intention and balance. The gift of knowing what family really is, knowing that all the hard work we do is for our family, knowing we grow and raise our food, and knowing that our little hayfield is a blessing that so many don't have a chance to experience.

I have times when I get so frustrated because life does not go as I plan. Which happens a lot. I get upset that I am judged for living the life I feel is right. I get criticized for believing differently than most, and being willing to speak out for others that are being treated badly. I am a daily coffee drinker, and still haven't been able to completely quit smoking. I have a strong distrust of most people, and am usually content with letting my husband deal with most things once we've had time to talk about them. Although he is usually the final decision maker, we discuss almost everything and make time eventually to discuss everything. We sometimes agree to disagree, and I don't always agree with the final decisions and sometimes they are changed...sometimes not. I have a passion for learning, although I am still considered outdated in most employment situations. I am not an expert on anything, but I do spend a lot of time researching.

The emotions I have felt this month are seriously all over the map. Happiness, contentment, anger, confusion, inadequate, mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, irritated, intuitive...seriously, all over! I'm going to blame the lunar eclipses and full moon! Maybe after the Super Moon passes the 25th, the emotional roller coaster will slow down a bit and will allow me to regain balance. I usually count on my garden time to re-balance and connect to my spiritual side, but this Spring has been cold and wet. It hasn't allowed much garden time yet.

New chapters and adventures abound.

New beginnings and new chapters are starting for so many, including us. We have been blessed with so much of what many would call the American dream. We have so many family and friends with graduating children, and so many embarking on new adventures. It's such an amazing time of year for so many.

There are graduations happening all over the country this month. Some have plans of going to college, going to work, or even going into family businesses. As each of the graduates takes the next couple months adjusting to life after high school, there is so much to learn. Keep in mind that learning never ends. Each and every day is a new opportunity to learn and grow. It's important to further your education, but also learn to manage your finances and make decisions that you won't be embarrassed by in 20 years. The biggest advice I have for all the new graduates, ALWAYS be true to yourself. Don't follow the crowds if it goes against your beliefs, morals and values.

For our little family, our new adventure began in November 2011. Our little Hayfield was a new adventure for me, and a dream for my hubby. This was a big step for me and a step that seemed to make sense. As someone who didn't grow up on a farm, and had really only been around horses and chickens for any length of time, jumping into cows, and pigs too was an adjustment. However, as I said above, every single day is an opportunity to learn something new! I take these opportunities and grow from them too. We have 3 big gardens and have taken our property to a completely chemical free environment. We have even jumped into the DIY of home ownership. While I have had many experiences in building and remodeling, my hubby hasn't. So we really do work well together in our strengths and weaknesses. We just have several differing opinions that do tend to cause some heated conversations until we both calm down and think logically!

Our little piece of heaven is constantly ablaze with activity, and if anyone would drive by they'd be thinking we were crazy. Our landscape makes changes in short amounts of time. It's amazing what you can accomplish with determination, and not dealing with contractor schedules. We aren't perfect, but our trials, errors and accomplishments give us not only learning experiences but also such pride in what we do accomplish.

Our gardens are a new experiment this year as I have jumped into my heritage planting and companion planting. We have always gardened as the fields are farmed. Marking rows, using a garden planter, following spacing and depth charts. This year, after spending a year learning from fellow Native Americans, and some online education, I decided to try the 3 Sisters method of Corn, Pole Beans, and Squash planting. By Native thought, as I am told, these are the 3 main crops needed to live. Planted together, the corn grows tall, the beans climb the corn as a natural trellis, also giving the corn substance against winds, and the squash is a ground vine that spreads and keeps the moisture in the ground to provide to all three plants. The beans and squash also add nitrogen back into the soil which in turn is used by the corn as a nutrient to produce. It's a win-win as I see it. Companion planting isn't much different than the 3-sisters version, only it allows utilization of less space, more vegetables, and adding nutrients back into the soils all while providing families the produce they want and need.

For example, planting your potatoes with bush beans, tomatoes with peppers, basil, chives, or cilantro. Planting corn with sunflowers. All these companion plants allow benefits to each other. It's a great benefit all the way around!

It's such an amazing time. Wishing all the graduates the best of luck. Happy planting and Spring!

It is May, right?! Are we sure?!

"It is May, Right?! Are we sure?!"

I have half jokingly said this for 10 days now. I have normally been in my gardens for a month or more by this point and have vegetables poking through the ground. This year, however, only half of 1 garden has been planted, I still have 2 1/2 gardens to plant. While I am getting really nervous about how late my seeds are getting in the ground, I know that I have a plan b & c to backup in this crazy weather! The original plan was to get everything ready this Fall for raised garden beds. The plan now, raised garden beds this month...otherwise, I won't be able to get into my gardens until next month, at least!

As so many of my FaceBook friends know, we are trying to eliminate some of the to-do projects from our ever growing list. First on the list - a deck. What started as a small functional deck with a ramp, turned into a bigger deck(for the same price), and putting a roof on to be able to use it more. The planning process started over a year ago, for the original deck. We made the trip to the lumber yard, got a trailer load of lumber and came home. The lumber yard is 70 miles away. Within less than 24 hours, the decision was made to enlarge it. So, literally 3 days later, we hauled the entire load of lumber back to the lumber yard with our new plans in hand. We unloaded the original order, and reloaded the new plan lumber...minus a handful of pieces they didn't have. The first trip involved the yard guy dropping a 4x6x14 piece of lumber on my toe and causing it to be purple/black/blue and bled. The second trip....I stayed away and made the yard guy do the work. This project is beginning tomorrow. Digging holes, pouring concrete, squaring it up, and hopefully by the end of Sunday we can at least have the roof and ramp on.

The projects on this months to-do list seem overwhelming sometimes. Since I am limited in the time I can actually devote to projects because of meals, school work, business, and the other wifely duties...it really cuts out some of the time I'd like to spend. May's project list: Deck!, gravel for the driveway, raising garden beds, putting in flower beds, planting the remaining trees, and getting in some bonfires.

I have 30 trees to get plants, a boat load of vegetables, 50 feet of flower beds, lots of grass seed, lots of indoor cleaning and little projects, not to mention the OCD temptation of an organized and functional home. I keep trying to get everything organized only to have 3 people come along behind me and turn it all on its head! For every mess I clean up and every room I get organized; 3 more messes are made and 2 more rooms destroyed! It gets very frustrating from time to time.

Since the weather hasn't given me too many breaks this Spring, my frustration level seems to be on the rise. I usually have my gardens to work in and contain my stress and frustration. Not the case so far! Instead, hubby and I will be building a deck this weekend and I'm certain there will be plenty of temper flairs, not to mention keeping up with the 4 yr. old and meals. Not too many are around when we need them, but expect us to be around when they need us. Others have to work, and then there are some that it's best they don't help.

It's the 10th of May,it's 58 degrees outside and overcast, my house is reading 65 degrees inside and my driveway is a mud pit. We are still using the temporary stairs they sent with the house a year and a half ago on one door...nothing at the back door, it's too muddy to mow, we have started getting invaded with little bitty black ants, my gardens require mud boots, there's no sunshine, and my bottle of Jack is empty. Very thankful there's still coffee!

So, in spite of the frustrations, I'm going to smile. I'm going to take a few hundred deep breaths and remember everything happens for a reason...even if cursing under my breath. Knowing that eventually my project list will dwindle, and be added to, and dwindle again. Knowing that eventually the weather will change, as it always does, and then I will be complaining that it's too hot. Knowing that whenever possible, it's bonfire season.

So, here I go. Trying to remind myself that everything will work out. Trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude and not bite anyone's head off. There's surely something to learn from all of this!?!?!?!?!

Anxiously awaiting S'Mores and wine!
~Sal