As a young girl, I can remember my Dad telling me that girls could do anything. He told me that I could do anything I set my mind to do. As a child, it really doesn't sink in. However, as I grew up, I was never the typical child. I am the oldest of 4 kids. I grew up with a divided family and grew up fast, once my parents divorced. Looking back, I am so glad that I did grow up fast. I am glad that I had the struggles and trials I faced after my parents divorce. Those issues made me a stronger and more capable adult.
I can't remember ever being one of those "girlie girls." Sure I have always liked pretty stuff, but never got into that role. I am the girl that loves a fuzzy, long, house coat; and baggy sweats and sweatshirts. I love the days I can run a brush through my hair and pull it into a ball on the top of my head. I can get out in the mud, manure, and grease. I don't worry about breaking fingernails or getting my nails done. I love my gardens, wood working, taking pictures, and drinking a lot of coffee. Yet, I don't mind getting dressed in my best jeans and western shirts or even putting on a dress/skirt either. I am comfortable in boots, tennis shoes or heels. I have worked on vehicles, tractors, can change my own oil, and my own tires. I can cook a mean 4 course meal, bake anything, sew a little, budget on a shoe string, draw floor plans and plan a material list. I can juggle a 13 year old, a 5 year old, a business, college, a household, and a remodel project - all at the same time. What I can not do, is understand people.
As a single woman, I was the ultimate "women's right," person. I had a career, my own money, and the grit it took to get where I wanted to get. I didn't NEED a man, or the stress that came with them; I had a man in my life that I WANTED there. I never wanted to have to depend on anyone for anything. I was stubborn, determined, and self-sufficient. I was never concerned with being alone, I really rather enjoyed my alone time! There wasn't anyone going to stand in my way for what I wanted or needed. I had never understood jealousy or insecurity.
When I was first married, the single woman traits were quite evident in my marriage. I did not fit into any form of the life I chose to enter - married, living in the middle of nowhere. I fought tooth and nail to continue being who I was at that point in my life. It caused a lot of arguments in my marriage. I couldn't understand how the behavior that had attracted my husband to me in the first place, had become the main source of our arguments. A year and a half into our marriage I became a mom. That changed my attitude some. I began changing myself at that point. I was still independent but I began to spend more time focusing on what was best for my child first. Shortly after, to ease some of the arguments and ease some of the guilt I felt for not being a full-time mom, I quit working outside of home. I say it this way because being a mom and taking care of a household is a full-time job within itself. For awhile, this worked to eliminate some of the arguments and guilt. 5 years later, my second child was born. With my marriage on a constant roller coaster ride for the first 6-7 years, having another child scared the crap out of me! My second child, has really changed me as a person. At months old, I almost lost my youngest due to vaccines. I had began changing our diets and the way we did things after my first child was born, but the second child caused us to have to do things very different...very quick! She had serious allergy issues from the beginning, and has nutritional needs that most do not understand. We went to an almost wholly organic diet 4 1/2 years ago. She still can not have vaccines, food colorings cause her to be extremely energetic and have tummy troubles. Both of my kids have negative reactions to medications of all kinds. While a lot of issues are found by trial and error, some of the issues I know of from tests that have been run. While my kids are perfect to me, they have made me change into who I am today. Their health issues have forced me to learn the difference between natural and organic. They have forced me to learn to read labels, and I even went back to college to be a Natural Health Consultant, so that I would know and understand what I needed to do for them. I had to learn the differences between physicians and holistic doctors. When you have children that are highly sensitive or severely allergic to so much, it changes you as a person. My children enjoy the life we live, but the life we live is for them and their health.
More than just the nutritional needs, we have made some very drastic changes in other areas as well. When my oldest was in 3rd grade, he was bullied. I'm not talking about name calling. I'm talking the entire school year, he came home with bumps, bruises, scrapes and scratches. This was physical abuse. At the beginning of the year, when I would ask about it, he told me he had fallen on the play ground. I knew there was more to, because he couldn't look me in the eye. When it was time to go back to school after Christmas break, he cried. He had always loved school and had always done very well in school. So, this was not normal behavior. After about a month of the crying, the continued bumps, bruises and scrapes, I went to the school. The genius guidance counselor was sure his crying spells were because of issues at home(there were none, mind you!). The last 4 months of that school year, I was at the school every day, showing them the scrapes and bruises my child had. By the last month of school, I threw a big enough fit that a meeting was called with the counselor, teacher, principal and superintendent. After about 45 minutes, I was informed about the child that was hurting my child. A child that had behavioral issues and had been in a Juvenal home that summer for trying to stab a teacher the year before. Because this child was "special needs, and was in state custody," there was "nothing they could do." We were told our only options were to pay an out of district fee to send our child to another school or home school. So, once again, were thrown into another new venture. Nothing I could have done, would have prepared me for the backlash and negativity that came from this. In my eyes, you do everything possible to protect your children and give them the best life you can give them. For me, this included not getting beat up everyday by a child that needed to be in a special class of his own. So, May 2008, we began the home schooling adventure. Honestly, aside from the constant need to teach my kids everything I can, and not wanting to bias them, this has been a wonderful adventure. But again, this has changed our lives.
6 years ago, I became a full-time mom, in every sense of the word. My kids are with me 24/7/365. Occasionally, they may go to spend a night with one of their grandparents, but otherwise, they are with me. I am Mom, educator, nurse, chef, launderer, scheduler, planner, bank, and cheerleader. Yes, there are days when I get overwhelmed. There are days I just want to say enough, send them to the school, eat food out of boxes or from a restaurant...and not have to deal with aftermath, and just be able to do what everyone else thinks I should do. There are days I just want to run away from everything for awhile and bawl my eyes out or scream because of the lack of support or understanding. However, none of that would be good for my kids. None of that would be doing the right thing for them or being a good mom. If I did even half of that, I would have deathly ill kids, be dealing with the emotional trauma of having to deal with that bully that is still in that school, and I would be failing at being the mom to these precious children, that I was intended to be. I was given so many trials as a young person to make me the strong person I am today, to be able to care for children that appear healthy but have many heath issues that can not be seen. So, from a mom that does understand health issues that are not seen, please never judge the way a parent parents. There may be reasons they do what they do, and you have no idea.
As I have grown up, and grown into my different roles, I have learned a lot about myself. I am not model material, by any shape of the word! I have crooked teeth and they have deteriorated since having kids, I have a stubborn streak wider than the day is long, I have very strong opinions that will not be changed by what others say, I try to always do what I feel is right even if it disagrees with everyone else, I can be overly sensitive at times and other times be cold as ice. I tend to get overwhelmed when my schedules and to-do lists aren't getting accomplished, and I have an almost compulsive need to be in control of my life. I try to never judge anyone but sometimes do, and once I consider you a friend...you are a friend for life. I hate gossip, and tend to be everyone's got to when they need to talk because they know I will never repeat what they tell me. Although I only have a couple people that I have that luxury with. I am a private person, and don't like outside interference, but I love to talk and visit with people. I still love to dance and have fun, but don't need to drink to do so. However, occasionally a drink is nice. I love letting my kids be kids. I don't think they need to be pushed into anything they aren't ready for or don't enjoy...just because I may enjoy them. I let my kids do different things so they can find their own passions. I have an open mind on most subjects and feel "to each their own," as long as they aren't hurting others. I will not get into other people's issues and I don't want other people getting into mine, unless I ask. I hate asking for help, ever! If I can't do something, it's probably not going to be done, because I will not ask for help. I value relationships and refuse to burn the bridges of my past for anyone. I do not do the jealousy thing, let alone understand it. I have plenty of insecurities that I try to over come everyday. I hate shopping for ANYTHING! I hate spending money. I am happy to go to garage sales, auctions and flea markets. I love a group of friends sitting around a bonfire, laughing and enjoying each others company. I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I have a mind that is constantly working...even at night. I rarely laugh anymore, and have an odd sense of humor. I don't handle failure well, but I don't handle not trying, at all. I have a serious need to make my parents proud of the person I am and am becoming. I look to past issues to try to overcome them, and to help get through some of the issues I face now. I refuse to talk about health issues that I deal with daily because in my eyes, to talk about them gives them an excuse to get worse. I tend to put other people's needs above my own. I hate feeling vulnerable! I hate feeling as if I have to depend on anyone, even my husband. I use past experiences to teach my kids from my own view. I get frustrated that I am always there for everyone, yet rarely is there anyone there when I need them. I tend to feel alone on my journey through life, aside from my kids.
As I write this, this morning, I felt a need to give a little insight into me and my life. Some of the reasons I am who I am, and why I do what I do. I do not need any one's acceptance, but some understanding and less negativity would be nice. Being respectful to my husband and I for what we need to do, would be nice. I know I don't have a life that is common, by any shape of the word, but it is the life I must live. It's not perfect, by any shape of the word, and it would probably be different under different circumstances...but it is what it is, because of the cards handed to us. As I raise my kids, and teach them not only Reading, Writing and Arithmetic...I have to teach them how to take care of themselves and their needs, that differ from most.
I hope that maybe my story, and a peak into who I am and why, will help someone else who may be in similar situations. I have big enough shoulders to handle a lot. Some may not be. While I will continue doing what I know is best for my kids and myself, I just ask that everyone be respectful of others. You may only know a fraction of the story. Unless you live in a home, you only know what you see from the outside. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors!
~Sal~
