Good Morning! It's so strange to have so much to say, but not know where to start or even the right words to use. I have been feeling a massive block in not only my writing ability but in life, in general. So much has happened over the past few years that it feels like a tsunami has hit me. I have been fighting to get back to the surface or treading water for so long, that I'm tired and drained.
I know I'm a fighter, and giving up has never been an option for me, but more times than not in the past few months...I've been ready to wave the white flag. I know intellectually, that I will keep fighting and trying to achieve my goals but mentally, I'm drained.
I feel like like I'm battling multiple fronts, all the time, even before this massive transition. Prior to this move, it was finances, marital issues, trying to hold on to my goal of a good home for my kids, trying to fit the molds of child/sibling/friend/and even trying to do "right" as daughter-in-law. I struggled to play referee between family members, and within my home...only to be the one constantly at fault. I spent all my time wearing the mask that someone else was wanting me to be.
6 years ago, we moved onto our farm. My plan was to finally be in a house I could raise my children, and have the lifestyle I craved. It was such a remarkable experience to take a hayfield and turn it into a home in 30 days. We could have a nice garden, plant orchard trees, raise our own cows, chickens, pigs and have a few horses. It was perfect, until the costs began increasing but the income remained the same. No mattered what we tried to do to better ourselves, ended up causing us to nose dive. I still loved our farm, land and even location. It had its own struggles in other areas but I did love it. Then over the course of a few years, realizing something had to be done, and not finding any employment options...the decision was made to make this transition.
This transition has been terrible, for me. I have spent so much time feeling alone and lost, than not. The good thing has been being alone, has allowed me to try to center myself and attempt to find solid ground again. This transition has had my life in limbo for 14 months. We have had stuff scattered over 400 miles, had 2 not so ideal temporary living situations, and absolutely no leads to get back on a farm like I want. Although I do like our area, it's different. It's not like anywhere I have ever lived. There aren't the farms like I'm used to. Almost everything here is crops, and even to buy a place that grass could be planted, you are going to pay out the nose because it could be turned into row crop. There isn't pasture ground, really, here. It's upsetting to me that I can't have my life more in control.
I have always strived to set goals, work towards them and achieve them. For a bit now, life has felt like a runaway train! I'm doing my best to stay positive, keep trying to move forward, keep working on making my family happy, work to better our finances, and to keep my marriage from falling any further apart. There are days I just want to throw in the towel. I just keep thinking, I finally found the one thing that will break me.
With that being said, I'm not ready to give up. I'm a strong person but I'm tired. I'm way outside of my comfort zone, but I'm doing what I can to still hold it all together. I am still playing referee between family, my kids and their dad, still attempting to juggle a different financial burden, trying to make the best of a worst case scenario in my eyes, still fighting a canyon that has grown in my marriage, and you throw in the minor issues that would just be stepping stones normally, but have sent me into panic mode. I really am not like this place I'm at, overall, but I do know it will get better. The hard part for me, is trying to find solutions.
I need a break so I can see clear again. Too much muddy water has been flowing under the bridge.
As a person who rarely walks away from anything, I am thinking that I need to take some time and release the negative energy that has encompassed me for so long. I'm overwhelmed, and each little issue that comes up, just pushes me further down. I will grow from this chaos, I know.
As with any issue, things can change. One area that has been a major source of grief is hopefully an issue that has been solved. I'll know more soon. Another issue, will be closed if the first one is solved. I have 2 vehicles that are old, need repairs, and have high miles. They need repaired or replaced. Neither can happen when you have every penny going out to keep up with 2 households. I have learned that keeping to myself, is probably the best policy. I love the work I'm doing, and hope to be doing it for a long time to come and watch their goals come into fruition.
I can see light at the end of a very dark tunnel...but there is still a long ways to go. I just pray that I will have the strength and patience to endure until I can get their. I pray that I can accept the changes that I need to make to have the life I want. I pray that whatever path the Universe puts me on, that I can withstand it; body, mind and soul.
I am taking some time to pray and meditate. The loneliness, and stress has taken its toll. I will get through this, and I will be a better person for it. I guess the will of the creator, is how everything will turn out. I guess the creator believes me to be a lot stronger than I feel.
I suppose it's time to begin this rainy, cold day. I can and will survive this and hopefully become a better person too!
