We have officially been back to the Northeast for a month now. What can I can so far? It's been a hell of a roller coaster ride!!! I intended to write a coffee chat today, and that will probably be the direction I end up going going, but I'm struggling. For nearly 2 years, I have juggled two very different lives. The life here, one of gardening, livestock, small acreage, the whole homestead/hobby farm life style. Then there's the other side of the coin. The other life, no acreage, having stuff scattered across the state, but one that provided different needs...freedom from living in a fish bowl, better life styles, better jobs and incomes, close to several friends and family, and overall a LOT more options. The problem came in when the house here didn't sell.
I love my home and the property it sits on, and if I could pick it all up and move it South...I would have already done it! I love having my favorite store so close, being able to see some great friends more often, and not making twice the payments. The problem comes in that even though this is home, it feels wrong. I don't know how to explain this. I know we were meant to come back here for some unseen reason, but it feels wrong. Another issue is that it's more than just the property that feels wrong. While there are a lot of things that have remained unchanged, WE have changed. The area that we have spent most of our married life in, doesn't fit who we are anymore. Yes, having livestock, chickens, gardens, and living in the country; will forever be part of who I personally am , probably for the rest of my life, but it's not ALL that I am. I found a passion in the work I am still trying to continue. I found, surprisingly, a happy medium between the life I grew up in and the life we have lived since I've been married. Aside from paying rent and a house payment, and 2 sets of utilities, I had found the best of both worlds.
I'm trying to make sense of everything, figure out the lesson trying to be taught through the past couple of years, and find a way out of the stress induced life we walked back into. I'm trying to find my equilibrium again! Yes, we own this place and love it because of the ties to family and the work we have put into it; but it's a noose to some degree for the same reason. We struggled to make the hard decision of coming back, it's not what any of us wanted. We tried to get it sold, but had so many and so much crap working against us, that we just weren't going to be able to make that happen from so far away.
This transition, over a couple years, has taken it's toll on many things. When you live in limbo for so long, you grasp at straws to save your sanity! The hardships of finances, juggling so many irons, and for me, finding myself again; it changes you at your core. What so many people fail to understand about me, is the position I have been in for many years. I've been the oddball, most of my life. I don't care about many of things other people do. I've learned to live the life my husband grew up with - livestock, farming, hunting, gardening, preserving foods, and living in the sticks. I grew up as a town kid. I'm not going to say the city, because as a kid...most of the towns around me were small towns, at best. I went to the city often, and loved that fast pace. When I moved to Missouri, it was my break from my family. No one knew what I was doing, I didn't have to intermix with the drama, and frankly...I was tired of the drama. I moved to Missouri to make a clean break and find my own way. I struggled, I had a couple years of sow my wild oats, and even though getting married was not in my plans...it happened.
I had grandparents that were married for decades, loved each other and worked through their issues. My parents did not. My parents divorced when I was young, 11 or 12, I believe. Their marriage was volatile, and the divorce was horrible. It was messy, they disliked each other so much, that they couldn't pull together enough for the kids. Whether it was intentional or not, we always felt the need to pick sides, we always have heard 2 sides to the same story, loyalty was constantly divided, and when they remarried...that brought in a whole other set of issues and unnecessary drama. My opinion of marriage is still very negative. I believe that stupid piece of legal paperwork screws up what could be great relationships! I have struggled in my own marriage for nearly 20 years now. We had a great relationship, then getting married took on a whole other life. We still have a good friendship, but trying to work through issues, seems to drag up more or outside issues cause deeper issues. While I am not one to hold a grudge, and I will forgive; there are things I have never forgotten. Whether it be hurtful words, lack of action, lack of attention to an issue, or even just being completely oblivious...those things stay in my mind and many times, in my heart. Communication is something that has gone very wrong in my household for many years. What may start out as a good conversation, rapidly disintegrates to loud and many times, miscommunication of words. Voices are raised, and brains shut down. People get angry and walk away or the most ignorant word is used...WHATEVER!
What so many don't understand, the last couple of years we were here, I struggled. I had become someone I didn't know or like. I was afraid of everything. I was terrified to drive, to leave our place and some days even leaving the house was a struggle. I busied myself here, so that I didn't have to leave. I hated going to town because I was tired of the superficial conversations. I didn't want to be around people because I was terrified that my control on my temper and mouth would fail. I have always tried to be kind, but you can only listen to people talk about everything they have for so long, or how we didn't have what they had, or that if it weren't for so and so...you wouldn't have that. I was feeling very negative. I do not compare myself or my life to anyone, ever! We all make the best decisions we can for our lives, in the moment. The problem I had and still have, is the ones that want to talk about how great they are, what material crap they have, and want to look down their noses at everyone else. I don't have the best of everything...I also DO NOT have the debt! I have what I need and a lot of what I want. There are things I'd like to have, but I refuse to take on any more debt than necessary to get them. I do not like the gossip mill in the area we live. It's truly pathetic how people have their noses so far out of joint, they can't see the glass houses they live in. Quite honestly, I've always believed, if you want to know something about me...JUST ASK! I'm pretty much an open book, even though most of the time it isn't anyone's business what I'm doing in my life, I'm the best person to talk to about me. If you are one that likes to discuss other people's lives...make sure your own is freaking perfect, because there are several skeletons that could come out of your own closets. Until we all make it to eternal life, there isn't a single one of us that is perfect, that hasn't made mistakes, hasn't had regrets.
Each of us is on an unseen path, and just because something may be right for you, doesn't make it right for everyone. Each one of us has a mission while we are on this Earth. It's our job to find that mission, and being kind along the way seems to make the most sense. All these baited conflicts, pitting people against each other; just seems to be irrational and unintelligent. We have a Constitution that protects us against too much government intrusion, yet that seems to be all the rage anymore. As soon as you start taking certain rights, there will be no stopping from the rest of our rights to be taken away as well. We have lost the understanding of individual responsibility and accountability. When something bad happens, we want to blame an entire group for the actions of a single person. This is wrong on so many levels. The problem is, that while I am a legal gun owner, and would never intentionally hurt anyone, there are individuals out there that will...with whatever items they can get their hands on. Think about it, on September 11, 2001, over 3000 people died and there wasn't a single fire arm used. They used AIRPLANES! Should be ban airplanes? Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? How about automobiles, or prescription medication, or cell phones. By banning these items, the only ones feeling the pressure are the ones doing the right thing, the legal thing. Banning anything is not the answer, it never has been. They banned drugs, did that do any good? There are still drugs on the streets, those that are hooked on them will still find them and use them, and overdose on them. Banning anything, will make it a taboo subject, and up the black market; and create a society of victims. I refuse to be a victim. Instead of banning anything and everything that could potentially hurt us, why not use a little common sense. If you don't want a guy, that's your right...don't buy one. You don't want drugs, great! Stay away from them. The job your interested in is paying women only 2/3 or 1/2 of what they are paying the male counterpart...find a job willing to equalize it. Come on, this is common sense. The way I see it, there isn't an employer out there that could possible afford what my time is worth...ANYWHERE! Does that mean that I won't work, that I won't do my job to the best of my ability? Hell no! It means, I will accept a job not making what I feel I'm worth, because the job I will do is being done because I love it - or I won't be on that job. Period. Yes, making a living is necessary, but everything in our lives has become so expensive because people live outside their means, and have to have so much stuff! Think about this...why do you think there are so many storage units everywhere? Because people continuously buy stuff, and run out of room to store them in their homes. We have truly lost the notion of the difference between wants and needs.
For the past year, I've had the honor of working with and for people I consider heroes. These men and women have signed a blank check on their lives. I've enjoyed stories of brothership, and felt the heart break of fallen soldiers. I've listened to stories of how difficult it is to transition back to civilian life, had the honor of honoring a great man and former POW who spent 999 days captive...but was able to come home to his family. I've had the privilege of working beside a soldier who was injured on a tour in Iraq, spent 13 months in the hospital and recovering, began the amazing foundation I work with to help those who have struggled with civilian life and disabilities from their service, and still has shrapnel in his body to this day. Do you know what I see when I look at these soldiers, and their families? Obviously, I see heroes, but more than that. I see husbands, wives, daughters, and sons. These men and women put their lives on the line. These amazing people put their lives, on hold to serve our great nation. These soldiers AND THEIR FAMILIES, are many times separated for months or years at a time. We owe each and every soldier and each of their families more gratitude than grief. Do you know the frustration they face at each turn? Our elected officials have, multiple times, withheld their paychecks. Resulting in many unpaid bills and stressed out spouses. Yet, those same officials, demand their service and loyalty. These soldiers face a healthcare nightmare trying to break through all the red tape, extreme time delays in their healthcare, and many times even their pensions are in disarray from the disorganization that occurs through the federal level. You want to discuss unequal pay, how pathetic is it when someone working in fast food is making as much or more than these soldiers expected to put their lives on the line for the very ungrateful citizens that are stirring that ruckus?! Yes, I value these soldiers and their families. Yes, all the conflicts going on in this country today seem pathetic and ridiculous to me.
I've got many very strong opinions, and I do try to keep them to myself. I would love to see society as a whole believe as I do...but I realize that it takes all kinds to make the world go around. I would love to see everyone taking care of their own families and communities before they start being offended by everything under the sun. I would love to see people working together to make life better, instead of pitting one group against another. Folks, we are ALL humans. We all bleed red blood. It's not us against them, until you start adding in the elected idiots, the lobbyists, and the corporations. Those are the people you should be angry with. The citizens of this great nation, for the most part, are amazing people.
One more very strong opinion before I get off my soap box today. Mental Health. While this ties into a lot of my blog today, I think this too has become more taboo than it should. Mental health is failing miserably today. We are lead to believe that if you are depressed, have a strong opinion, or are bully, or any number of other issues...that is a mental issue. Now, I'm going to give you a little trivia. Mental health has been on going issue from the dawn of time. Good examples are Ben Franklin, Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Galileo, Carl Jung, and I could go on and on. In their times, these people were considered nut jobs. Many of them today, we are told were geniuses. In the 1600's men and women were rounded up like cattle and burned at the stake for "witch craft," which was nothing more than people being afraid of the unknown. In the 1800's, Women were admitted into psychiatric hospitals and believed to be crazy because of PMS, and what we know call postpartum depression. Men and women were considered crazy if they masturbated. Today, in countries overseas, people are still stoned to death for this private act, and right here in the U.S., that private act is still considered infidelity if you are in a relationship. One major area today, that has affected too many people to count, is bullying. Now, I can tell you, many years ago when I was a kid, we had bullies. However, somewhere, someone thought it was a good idea to make the kids being bullied into victims. When I was kid, the bullies lost their "one-up" attitude when you FOUGHT BACK. Today, if you fight back, you get in trouble. When I was a kid, there was one boy that found it necessary to hit everyone. But...I was always taught, you never throw the first punch, but you sure as hell better throw the last one! That's exactly what I did. When that bully decided to hit me, I hit back! You know, after that he never attached me again. He would go way out of his way to steer clear of me. I never had troubles with bullies again, after that. There were several in our neighborhood, but not a single one messed me. Sure there was still name calling and "threats," but I was raised to ignore what I could, and face the issue. NEVER BE A VICTIM! Today, kids are being raised as just that. They are bubble wrapped from society and it's issues. They are being brought up to be entitled little whiners. The hardest part of this whole bully issue for me, is the worthless adults that bully the kids. I have raised my kids that respect and trust are earned, not just given. When someone is disrespectful to them, I do not expect them to be respectful.
Just this week, there was a local adult, that decided to be disrespectful to not only my son but to my rules and family as well. I will not mention names, because while we live here, that piece of trash is a fixture here, we are not. After making a 17 year old child choose between working or school work and family; he proceeded to inform him that he was going to end up like everyone that lived along the road we lived one..."40 years old, and not having a pot to piss in or the window to throw it out of." Now, that was a direct quote, but here's the thing. The past 2 years, we have seen outside this area. We have seen success and failure, we have seen life outside this bubble in Northeast Missouri. While the entire conversation had with my son was not one that was appropriate for a kid to have to deal with, it was a cold reminder. So many believe that because may have what looks to be many assets on paper, neglect to look at the total cost of debt, relationships, and the loss of their family time. While they may look successful on paper, in my eyes they are poor as hell if they don't have their families or have more debt that they could repay in 5 years or less! When an adult, takes on working with young people, they take on teaching, mentoring and helping build a foundation for growth. Instead, this incident could have caused yet another young person to shy away from such a critical field of employment because of poor attitude, lack of intelligence, and sheer ignorance. I will never be perfect or claim to better than anyone else...but I am damn sure better than that one!
Sometimes, getting outside of the proverbial bubble is just what it takes to realize where you stand. As for me, I am different than I was when we left here. I will never be that person again. I am more, I have grown, and I am accepting that I will never be like everyone else. I really don't want to be. I'm pretty good at just being me...good, bad, or indifferent. I value my family, and my life. I believe that whatever higher being you value, is a good thing, as long as you let go of the hypocrisy. While I pray everyday, and look to the Universe for signs, I know that each of us has an individual life path. And now, I believe I will end this soap box and find more coffee and some chocolate!!!
Have a blessed Easter weekend!
~S~
