Good morning friends. It's been a bit since I've written much. However, it's been a time of soul searching. I've spent several years struggling with thoughts, emotions, and wandering a bit aimlessly. Each time I think I've found some resolution, something else has jumped up to bite me. So today, I believe will be a coffee chat, to clear my head and go back to some resemblance of a calm I felt just a few days ago.
For the past year and a half, I was honored to volunteer with a great foundation. It worked with wounded veterans. In that time, I not only found a passion, but what I can only describe as a personal calling to me. I spent 5 days, helping with an event that was a rehabilitative outdoor program with this foundation. It was truly a life changing event for me. Aside from building relationships/friendships with so many, it was a reminder of what happens when people forget their purpose. I can say, for me, that event has forever changed me; my outlook, my perspective, and my own views. The group of people I was privileged to meet, gave me the strength and courage to not only face my fears in life, but to remember the most important part of life - living each day to the absolute fullest.
Now, with all this mental clarity I was able to find, it opened up an old Achilles heel too. For years, I've allowed people to determine my worth. When others haven't seen it, I've assumed I'm not valued. Guess what....that's crap. Being alive gives me value. I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but that's ok. I don't need to be. I am a good person. I care to a fault, I love too much, and I always try to look past the exterior layers of people to find their good. I've always believed people are good, although I've decided that some just aren't. I think so many people have allowed excuses to rule their lives. It's easiest to make an excuse, instead of following your heart or a path that feels right. I spent several days, feeling. Mind you, my mind has always felt like a super highway, always racing from one thought to another. It's always trying to stay just one step ahead of whatever issue may arise. For the past 5 days, it stopped! It's a calming feel that I can't say I've ever felt in my life.
While some jealousy and insecurity from people still leaves me scratching my head, I know taking the high road will always be my choice. Even when it's a struggle to keep my mouth closed. I may not understand those exact emotions, I understand being told you are less, not good enough, being reminded of your flaws regularly, and berated. I understand mental abuse, even when it's not intentional. I understand losing your self-esteem and losing the person you are meant to be. None of it is fun, none of it is easy to overcome, and the scars you have afterward, are not visible but are truly worse than any physical scar could ever be.
We can change and adapt to society and whatever the newest acceptable beliefs may be, we can follow whatever religious beliefs we were raised to believe, but the truly universal language is kindness and love. Treating others as we wish to be treated. You don't use or abuse people. Especially those that care about you. You don't place more value in material items than you do rel people and relationships. You don't shatter someone's trust, because once broken, it may never return.
One of the amazing people I met during my trip, told me this: "You do what you have to do, to be able to do what you want to do." Well, my friend, I don't believe I've ever heard truer words. With the extremely long travel both to and from the event, I had a lot of time to think. A lot of peace to be able to clearly hear my thoughts. This can be good or bad. The biggest clarity I think I've ever felt, was the trip home. I don't know about anyone else, but I try to listen to not only the insanity that goes on in my mind but I try to follow my heart and my passion. Sometimes, my thoughts leave me fumbling for words. Unfortunately, my expressions rarely do. I have times that I can't express thoughts, because there are too many to pinpoint a single one.
Since I've been home, there have been a lot of conversations that needed to be had. There have been a lot of decisions made...some by me, and unfortunately some for me. While I am a firm believer that the Universe puts us on the path we are meant to follow; puts people in our lives for a reason, and gives us situations to open our eyes to our own insecurities and defaults. I think we are meant to evolve. Living in the area that I do, has been a kind of slap in the face to this. Things here have been done the same way for ever, gossip runs rapid while those living in glass houses throw stones, and folks forget that they can lock the closet that their skeletons are buried in...but they always emerge. For years, I kept to myself. I stayed in whatever area I lived in, usually not straying too far from our property. The trouble with that ideology, is that life becomes stale. Relationships become stale. While is may curb several issues, it creates 10 times more. My life, was mundane, and monotonous.
A few weeks back, I made a comment during a conversation, that began opening my eyes to my own false beliefs. I said, "I work my tail off, taking care of everyone else's needs and wants. When is it my turn. When is it my turn to be happy?" The response I got royally pissed me off, because it's an antique response. "Well, you have kids. You get to do those things when they are grown." That's wrong. Our children depend on us, there is no doubt in that. However, our children depend on us for not only the physical things they need but also the mental and emotional things too. My theory, when a child has a parent that is unhappy, they see this, and they believe that is the way life goes. When a parent is unhappy, abused(mentally or physically), that is the way they grow up and believe. They see the way one parent treats another, and that's the trap they fall in when they enter their own relationships. The see the verbal abuse or manipulation, and they think that is ok. This is wrong!
I'm not an expert on anything! However, I do observe and listen....a LOT! I have major trust issues, so if I'm visiting but spend time around people that send me negative vibes...I will stop talking to just to listen. Sadly, people can pretend all day long, but if you have someone that actually listens, actually pays attention; the show they are putting on will be not only evident but obvious. I've come across a few like this recently. They sure put on a great show...for about 5 minutes. That was all it took me to pinpoint that game. I despise games! I'm too old to play them. If I'm forced to be involved in one, you can bet, I will be playing to win! The sad part of this, sometimes the game changes players. So you are forced to reevaluate on the fly. That's when things can get a little hairy. I personally prefer time to think, weigh the odds, and either walk away or go for the gold.
The recent interactions, involved a lot of deception. The most dangerous liar, is one who believes his/her own lies. I prefer to be an open book. There is plenty I keep to myself, but I'm not one that will lie for anyone. I may not tell all, to anyone...ever. However, I believe if you lie about something, the most harm comes to the liar. Not a single person on this Earth knows exactly what happens when we pass on. We have been led to believe that we are judged before entering Heaven or Hell. While I believe this to some degree, I don't believe in Hell as it's been preached. I believe we pass on, and our soul progresses through different planes. Obviously, those that live entire virtuous lives progress further and faster, but every single human has sinned. Period! If we followed the scriptures written, that would condemn us all to Hell. Sure it's said that we can be saved, and I believe that. However, I don't think that a single human can be the one doing the saving. I believe that through our faith/spirituality, we become saved with each new encounter. I believe we are shown new options, new paths, and even new people; as a means to grow. The thing is we can't grow, if we aren't willing to face some uncomfortable changes, some uncomfortable realizations about who we are at our core...without pretentious instilled beliefs. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Every experience, every emotion...everything! It's what we do with those experiences and emotions that bring us to a higher calling.
Sometimes, finding that higher calling, means finding your true passion, your purpose in life. I've had an honor of finding just that. I found a passion and what felt like my true calling. Myself, I was introduced to helping people, not just anyone people, but people whom had served their country, some of which had been injured while doing so. Having had the unique experience of visiting with them, hearing their stories, hearing about their lives and families...was remarkable! The folks I visited with, opened my eyes. They not only reminded to make every single day count because there is no promise of tomorrow; but the opened my eyes to new experiences and thoughts. New connections were made, new friends were made, new thoughts began to grow. Having a bond/connection with those you work with is important, but it's more than that. When you are able to form friendships and connections through experiences, when you love what you do; it's no longer a job, the red tape/the drama, no longer bares any significance. You become more that. You become humbled, yet empowered.
Since getting home from an eye-opening experience, I have prayed a lot. I've prayed for guidance, strength, peace, insight and courage. I've prayed for a veteran that begins his journey after 5 years in a wheel chair to begin walking again. I've prayed for the veteran and his wife as they begin their new experiences of retirement and new adventures. I've prayed for the group as a whole, for safety, health, in their travels and in so many new experiences that they are embracing. I've prayed for myself, my family, my extended family, and friends. I've prayed for answers to questions that seem overwhelming to me, and direction to where I am supposed to be.
As for me right now, I'm taking some time to reflect, refocus, and as sad as it is, I'm turning off my heart. It's very rare that my heart is open to anyone, and unfortunately, it's been proven over and over that that organ causes me too much pain to let just anyone in. I give all I can give for others, and each time they let me down. So, it's time to focus on me. There isn't time to wait until the kids are grown, or wait until everything is right. At that point, the kids will be grown, I will be more depressed, I will be more resentful and angry. When all is said and done, I will be lonelier and more miserable, and alone. Now mind you, being alone is better than being in the wrong situation. The thing is, if I wait until the kids are grown to find MY happiness, find MY place in this big ole world; that does not offer the greatest example for my kids. It's not ok for them to see me anything but happy, fulfilled, and loved.
So, for today, I'm going to finish this blog and know that for the first time in more than 20 years; I feel whole. I feel that I have a firm grip on where my passions lie, and even though I don't know what direction life will take me, I know that each new experience will allow me to grow and become a better person. I'm finishing up today with this thought, "What's meant to be will always find a way to be."
~Salli
