So here we are, Christmas Eve, Eve. We have been counting down since November in my household. We love Christmas, decorating, and our annual open house. We try to add new decorations, lights, and events each year. What we do not do, is spend a fortune on gifts. Many gifts are homemade, and since I set my budget so strictly...many times we are left to get very creative with the funds we have available.
We have never done technological gifts for Christmas...although my kids would love the newest ones out there. I just don't believe that's important. We don't go overboard, although as they get older, the budget has to allow for the things we do buy to get more expensive. I think this is the first year, in 18 years, that toys were not a predominate wish list item. I think I bought one a piece this year. While that is a major milestone in my life, there have been so many this year.
2018 has been a pretty rocky year for me personally. Most women will understand that by the time you hit your 40's, life begins making some pretty wild changes. Not only is your body behaving like a wildly out-of-control teenager, but many of us start experiencing our children reaching the "magical" 18 year old status. We are having to basically relearn about life as a woman, not just a mom. We are feeling the lovely hormonal effects of yet another transition phase in our bodies, many of us still have younger children at home, but they are getting older too, and less dependent. Mix all that up with a splash of longing for something to fill our time, a dash of passion for finding just the right hobby/balance, a heaping helping of humility from accepting that those 20-somethings are no longer in our cards, a pinch of longing for any number of things you are lacking in your life...and you have the perfect recipe for what a humbling year I've experienced.
We all know, our parents are aging, just as we are. Some of us have siblings/step or half siblings, in-laws, and many other extended family members. Sometimes, trying to find a balance that works, can be daunting. In my case, I have my parents, step-parents, siblings with and without spouses/nieces and nephews, 2 sets of in-laws, and in-law siblings/ nieces and nephews. Just thinking of juggling everyone creates a 3-ring circus! Now, you throw in that mix, relatives that just can't get along...even for the holidays, having kids at home which means spending Christmas morning, at least, home to celebrate Santa, having family scattered across the country, and herein begins even more stress. For years now, I have given up trying to make it all work. It just doesn't! I've tried inviting extended family to our home, and made attempts to get to important events of theirs. Someone is always upset by the plans. There is no winning. Years ago, we decided that Christmas day was going to be at home, everyone was welcome to visit, but we wouldn't be traveling. We've had to make a few exceptions because of poor planning, but not many.
Each year, for the better part of 10 years, has been a little more difficult than the last, not being around my extended family for any of the holidays. I know from visiting with some that there are playing into drama even through the holidays. I don't agree with with this. Of all times, this time of the year, it's time to behave with some maturity. As I told my Dad today, the everyday drama's and arguing simply are not acceptable through Christmas. Put away the petty, childish behavior and respect each other. You don't have to agree with their choices or behavior, but be respectful enough to make the holidays enjoyable for everyone. I just can not understand families being torn apart because of childish, immature behavior. I know there are times that no matter how much you try, those with that ingrained behavior will always spoil things. I'm dealing with that also. You just do what you can, and go on. Sometimes, family is too toxic to spend time with, I get it. When your own personal mental health is going to be pushed to the limit, sometimes just steering clear of the toxicity is easiest.
I'm going to jump a little ahead for a bit. As I've mentioned, this year has been very difficult for me. I turn 44, in 5 days, and there's been a lot I've really kept to myself. I've struggled with my oldest turning 18, struggled with being unhappy with several areas in my life, struggled knowing that my youngest is pretty independent too, making a couple of big moves over the last couple of years, and dealing with the extended family dynamics that have been truly mind boggling. However, there have been some pretty tough lessons in life this year, and more awakenings than I ever believed possible.
I have always been a goal setter, organization has always been a high priority to me, and just letting stuff roll off my back has not been my forte. While the past 2 years have more than proven to me, that I can do anything I set my mind to...it's also been massively unsettling. Many of the goals I set, were missed or left by the wayside. Organization....HA Ha HA!!! That's been a complete joke. Letting stuff roll off my back...well, that has led to whole lot of pent up thoughts, resentment building, and an increasingly problematic issue with anger control. I quit talking, no one listened or heard what I was saying anyway, so why bother. The few that I did talk to, either had to share what they knew with others that didn't need to know, or made stuff up and thus brought about withdrawing further into myself again.
I'm praying that 2019 is much better for me. I'm setting new goals, putting new plans into motion, and looking towards finding a better balance for me. One that doesn't include me being used or taken for granted, and then being thrown to the side like a pile of trash. I'm focusing on what I need to, and want to. I'm only one person, so if something/somethings are pushing me too far...they will be tabled until I can make the time and effort to deal with them. While my kids will ALWAYS be my priority, 2019 is going to be my year to find what I need, find my happiness again, and dismiss anyone/anything that is toxic to me.
As we gear up for our annual Christmas Eve traditions, and a Christmas Day that I'm so excited for, I believe I will make a New Year's Resolution this year. Resolution: Meet and exceed your goals!!
Wishing you all, a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!
Salli
