It's such a beautiful time. Although there are still some cooler temps, so much is coming back to life after the long, cold winter. The grass is green again, all the trees have begun to show signs of leaves, and the animals have begun shedding off their winter fur. Even my family has shown signs of finding some balance. It's truly remarkable how nature works, without much effort and consistently, year after year...season after season.
As Spring has really set in here in Northeastern Missouri, my own thoughts have been a bit more optimistic. For some reason, Winter was really difficult for me this year. I felt trapped. That is not a feeling I deal with well. Honestly, being forced by nature to be secluded as I was, gave me some time to do some reevaluating. While everyone is always so busy being busy, running everywhere, gossiping or wasting time and money; I was home almost 24/7 for most of 3 solid months. That's a lot of time to find every possible problem, area of concern, and even to build yourself to where you want to be. While I can understand that some depressions are not controllable, some are more of a seasonable variety. That of the seasonable variety can be controlled, but they can also be very beneficial.
Obviously, I am not a doctor, but I love psychology! I have spent a lot of years studying many different modules of it. So, when I find myself in a situation that is uncomfortable or different than my own normal, I start researching. This Winter, it's been a pretty broad range of areas: relationships, breaking the molds of past hurts and upbringing, seasonal depression...just to name a few. Now, in my case, I have not been really depressed. It's been more a deal of I'm not happy, so I need to find out why and fix it! I went to school, got my certificate in Natural Health Consulting, and graduated with honors 10 years ago. I have since continued to study all the different paradigms that fall into the Natural Health category. There are a LOT!!! When you are trying to find answers; for me, I research. I have been in several groups for a lot of years, and most of the time, I can "talk" to a multitude of holistic providers to get their thoughts on about any subject manner possible. The one commonality is their belief in the Mind/Body/Spirit theory. This is basically, when all 3 are in harmony, you achieve your desired health. When one is out of balance, it throws them all out balance.
For about 10 years now, I have struggled to find my own happiness. I love my family, I love my life, but there have been a lot of areas that do not balance out. It's been like a really bumpy roller coaster. There have been some great high points, but also some pretty low points. The thing that has taken me a long time to understand, is that all of these, have a purpose. I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, and the repeat issues come in when you don't learn what you are meant to learn. So, therein comes more research. Thankfully, I journal...a lot! I can go back through and find similarities, differences, and changes. The thing is, I'm not really unhappy overall, there are just areas that kick me in the backside. There have been a lot of times that outside interference has played a big role in highs/lows in my life, but realistically...just as many have occurred within my home. You can not put 2 people, with different upbringings, different personalities, different paths, and ultimately different goals; under one roof and expect everything to run smoothly. It's just not going to happen. Arguments are necessary for a healthy relationship, but arguing respectably is a necessity. This is one area that is very difficult. Too many of us, myself included, struggle to hear criticism, even if it's meant to be constructive. Then, it ends up being taken the wrong way, and the other person becomes defensive and all hope in solving an issue is lost.
Being the strong-willed/stubborn/hard headed (whatever), type of person I am, mixed with someone who cares too deeply for my own peace of mind most of the time, throws another monkey wrench into the mix. I truly care about others, most of the time I end up being their sounding board and I want to help them fix their problems...and that poses a problem because I care enough to try to help them, and fix the problem. Most of the time, I've found that they just need to vent...but my personality wants to fix! Typically, I try to make sure I know what I'm talking about before I say much. I do not handle being blind-sided well. When I am caught off guard...I'm not usually very nice or understanding. I need to have space to deal with whatever is thrown at me. When too many issues overwhelm me, I shut down completely, and withdraw from the world. Whether it's others coming to me for a venting post, my household, extended family, etc., when I am overwhelmed...I am not a nice person. It's like backing a tiger into a corner....I will come out fighting(even if I don't need to.).
I am stubborn, and I know this. The thing is, when I see something that needs fixed, something that seems wrong, or someone that is not being genuine...I like to fix it. I am not one that likes to ever go back on my word, that will say things just to appease people, or just blend in with what everyone else is doing. Fake people irritate the crap out of me, people that will not follow through or make right situations that they have created upset me, people that are nice to your face while talking behind your back just tick me off instantly. Then you have people that you truly care for that may be dealing with some issues...but as soon as you voice your opinion, that they have asked for, get upset because your opinion is not what they want to hear...so then you become the bad guy. I have always said, do not tell me your issues, or ask for my advice if you do not want to hear my opinion. If I care enough about you to listen to your troubles, do not expect me to just sit by idly watching you suffer.
I work hard to keep my own house in order, both literally and proverbially. Yes, there are times it gets messy, but that's life. If I am taking my time to talk/visit/listen, please be respectful enough to know that the time I take is time I won't get back, and it's time I'm taking from something else. I will make time for anyone that needs me, just do not abuse it...I can only do so much before I will just walk away and be done.
Now, within my own house, there are a lot of balls in the air...so to speak. Our 2 year adventure in Southern Missouri was one of constant chaos, heartbreak, and honestly one of the best things that has ever happened. I had some space to grow, rediscover myself, learn a lot of tough lessons, and meet some incredible people. The thing is, during those 2 years, we tried to sell our little farm. Had several offers even. I just could not take the thought of just basically giving it away. See, this little farm has been a strange connection for me. For many years, I had a close relationship with my husbands grandfather. I really loved that man. He was one of those people that had no problem putting you in your place but he was kind and wise, at least to me. I know there were issues with other family members, but he was always good to me, treated me with a lot of respect and several times during our conversations would warn me issues in areas that were not brought out into the open until years later. When we first came to look at our little farm(part of a larger tract own by my husbands grandparents), he wanted to take a walk. So, we walked several yards visiting about the ground, it's history, and what his wishes were for us. I made a promise to him that day, and to this day, I have kept it...and I will continue to keep that promise, come hell or high water. You see, he wanted to see my family here. He wanted to be sure that this farm would stay in the hands of his family, and unfortunately, he knew some of the issues we would face some years down the road, or maybe it was just his wisdom. Many areas have come to light since his passing. The thing is, just a few years into the ownership of our little farm, we experience a massive downturn in income, which in turn created a massive unrest within my home. Then to top it all off, we found that our used home, was not winter friendly. So, trying to keep expenses to a minimum, and still be able to have a home without snow drifts inside the house...we took on a massive remodel project. Little did we know that remodel project would take on a life of its own. You start to fix one thing, and find 4 other things that are massive wrong. Well, my husband's grandfather, one of the several promises I made...make sure the bank and taxes are always paid. Well, there were times that was a huge struggle. When your income drops in half, a year after the massive remodel, and 3 years after the purchase...you find yourself in a big mess. That part of the promise I have kept, even during our venture in the south. Making a farm payment, rent payment and 2 sets of utilities was not easy. Thank goodness, I can budget and my husbands income had increased substantially...at least for a short while. Since all of that, a lot of the extended family business has had me in disbelief, but again, my time away put me in a different spot.
You see, my time away, helped me grow and rediscover so much of what I had lost the prior 17 years. I began to find my voice again, and honestly...I found my strength again. I struggled with the move, that many changes all at once, really knocked me off balance. The weird thing, it really helped me more than I ever thought possible. I guess the Universe knew what I needed. It took me outside what was my comfort zone at the time, and threw me into a place that I didn't know with people I didn't know, and basically was a sink or swim scenario. I may not have done overly well, but I did it...all while finding such a large piece of myself that was missing. That's a win in my book.
In 1997, I uprooted everything I had ever known on a gut instinct. While the instinct has given me a lot of grief through the years, I still believe it was the best move I could have ever made. Giving up a life that was revolving around running at break neck speed, spending a lot of time in the city and developing a shopping habit that was not sustainable could have potentially been a disaster. Not mention my entire family was in the same area, and I could not truly spread my wings to grow. I always tried to hold myself accountable and responsible for everything around me...including me. I needed to figure out my own way, which following everyone else, never did feel right. Moving to Missouri, living way outside of town, dealing with a landlord that found it acceptable to walk into my rented house whenever he chose; that was an experience I never want again...but I was learning more all the time. I only had myself to be responsible for, only had myself to answer to. I spent a couple years quite a ways from where and who I had been. That being said, I was learning, growing and determining what I wanted for me. During those 2 years of being more of a wild child, I was responsible enough to get my associates degree and work. I loved my life, even in the hard times because it was my life. During that time, I met my husband. While the initial time from when we met until about a year later, was meant to be a room mate, and then we began dating. Mind you, I was in a good spot within my own life. I was content being in my own company. While we were dating, I think things progress faster for him than for me. I wasn't truly certain I was ready to settle down. Either way, in the 20+ years we have been together, there has been one hell of a roller coaster. He is a great man. We still have a lot differences, and it's caused some pretty big uprisings. Many of his ideals, are not mine and vice versa. He has always been a lot harsher than I am. I was raised that, "you catch more flies with honey."
In the year that we have been back to our little farm, it's been chaos. Trying to readjust to being back, readjust to a lesser income, trying to make positive changes in our lives and on our farm, trying to adjust to being back in the mix of extended family; and for me personally...trying to adjust to my life being different than when I left, learning to adapt to having a child that is now an adult but still needing to finish his high school while too many others are trying to give him advice, adjusting to having just one child that needs regular attention/education, having that child being so affected by disagreements, arguments, and family drama, to my own personal life stage changes, trying reenter the work force after nearly 18 years, but having to so with a really tight leash, having a little extra time on occasion that leaves me feeling lost, trying to find peace and not lose myself all over again. All the while, being sick of drama, chaos, back stabbing, and ignorance.
I'm attempting to build stronger extended family bonds, because I think it's important for my kids. Trying to make everything work, while having crap thrown at me from multiple directions, usually all at the same time, and trying to limit the kids and I's involvement with some of the crap. See, I am a strong person, and that strength has come back ten fold. It means while I am going to do everything within my power to be nice and kind...I will only deal with so much before I say enough and walk away.
Well, my rambling has gone on long enough. Time to get back to work and enjoying another day of sunshine and beautiful temps. While things may seem overwhelming, I do what I can and then the rest is there when I am ready to take care of it. Today, I needed these thoughts out of my head, so I can do everything within my power to move forward, be more productive, more positive, and keep growing. I wish you all, only the best!
Salli
