After a week from hell, I needed a my writing again. The past week was not only the longest week I've had for a while, it was pretty rocky too. Most people do not get to experience what goes on in my life, and honestly, sometimes that is a good thing. Other times, I wish others could see, so they would understand better how hard it is to not only find balance, but to remain even the slightest bit positive.
My days are full. I don't think I have even a single day in the 12 months that doesn't already have something scheduled in it. While I like to be busy, so that I don't have much time to focus on negative energy, sometimes it's overwhelming. So many days, I'd love to eliminate technology, phones, and the outside world in general; we all know that would be a pipe dream though. There will always be some form of distractions, even without the technology.
As I try to find the best way to put words to thoughts, I am drawing a lot of blanks. It's difficult to put words to bad behaviors, pent up emotions, and lack of an outlet. I spend a lot of time in a tug-of-war between fighting like hell and waving a white flag. In the 22 years that I have spent in Missouri, there has been a total of a about 3 years that didn't leave me feeling overwhelmed, useless, conflicted; constantly doubting myself, my abilities, or my value/worth. I love my life style, and so many of the things I've learned, but there has been so many areas that left me in a constant struggle to not believe so much of the negative noise I've heard.
After having my kids, they became my world. I focused on raising them to believe in themselves, to take the crap other people spew with a grain of salt, to focus on what is best for them. I've played referee, been their shoulder to cry on when others have behaved badly or made hurtful remarks, and spent a lot of time being the bad guy because I refused to let them be put in the same type of tug-of-war game that I have been.
So many times, it would have been easier for me to have someone that I could talk to, or bounce ideas off of, or even to share those little victories that meant so much me. The thing is, I hate to bother anyone else with my struggles. Everyone has their own battles, and I can't always be there for them because I'm so overwhelmed. So, I withdraw a little more. I lock those thoughts, feelings, emotions, and most the time even the anger, away. I let so much build up, that when I finally can't take anymore and blow up, there are so many issues, resentments, and anger. As I am getting older, I'm finding it harder to tolerate much. Some situations are outside of my control, but when it affects my life, I want to go postal! I want to release all the negative, speak my mind - unfiltered, tell others exactly what I think...but I won't. Honestly, I've tried to have a few conversations with people that have been involved in some of the issues...they either don't see a problem or they can't bother to actually listen for more than a handful of minutes.
I spend so much time being a venting post or battering ram for everyone else, that it mentally drains me. I even have complete strangers that stop me in public to tell me their life story! I never believed that at 44 years old, being married for nearly 20 years, with 2 amazing kids...that I would be lonely! That is one of the areas that really bugs me. I'm not demanding or high maintenance, I don't need expensive crap and hate shopping...I just want people in my life that will try to understand, that I can feel safe enough to talk openly to, and that will be there for me as much I am for them.
I'm tired. I have spent so many years fighting for everything. So many years trying to prove to others my value and my loyalties. When in all fairness, I don't have to proven crap to anyone. I am not perfect. I can be the best friend you have or your worst enemy...the choice is yours. I will be loyal, caring and empathic; until I hit the breaking point when your involvement in my life becomes more of liability than an asset...then I AM DONE! There have been so many areas that I have reached that point in the past 5 years. I do not make rash decisions, and there are just areas that I can no longer participate in the senseless dramas. The manipulations, guilt trips, and chaos has had me in a spiral of negative emotions and questioning myself. I am done with it, and I am taking the steps needed to fix what I can or let go of what I can't fix.
I just want to live the best life possible, with the best people possible around me, eliminate negativity and drama, and not ever feel again, what I've felt for the better part of 17 years.
End of venting!
