Starting with small steps

 

Taking even small steps, consistently, will increase your chances of success. This theory touches on every single area of your life. Let's talk about it.

Having a big picture goal is great, however, it can become overwhelming. Having the ability to go the route of "cold turkey" determination is also admirable, but not something everyone can or will do. So, breaking down those lofty goals becomes necessary. That being said, sometimes, you need to break it all down into small steps to allow yourself a starting location. This is an excellent practice in every area of life - health, diet, housework, addictions, mental health, everything! If you run at your goals like an angry bumble bee, you will eventually get burned out, and stop chasing those goals. So, let's start small, and work at a steady and consistent pace to reach the same goals without the burnout. 

One area that I personally feel has become a major issue is mental health. The stigmas around this are too numerous to mention. Every single one of us can use this subject as an excuse. The reality is while we can, we shouldn't. We are constantly reminded that there are some out there worse off than we are, and while this is 100% accurate...it's demeaning. Yes, we can go directly to worse case scenarios. However, each of us struggles through battles that are challenging to US! The reminders of those worse off, degrades the individual battles as if they don't matter. They ALL matter. It's how you manage those battles that sets you apart for success or failure. While I pray that those that battle extreme mental health issues seek professional help, I am not going to go into the extremes. That is not my area of knowledge. My knowledge comes from personal experiences, which are not to major extremes on the full spectrum, but from the extremes of my experiences. I have not been in combat or trafficked, so I have ZERO knowledge on how to manage that. What I do know is how I have managed what I have dealt with. I believe we all have experienced some "dark moods." Whether you categorize these as depression, just being down in the dumps, or the seasonal moods from long/cold winters. We have become a weak society, and I do not mean for this to be derogatory, but factual. We are a very spoiled society. We haven't experienced true "depression," when there are no jobs, there is little if any food, when a large portion are forced to live on the streets, when there is no running water, no electricity, no cell phones, no internet. You see, we have been blessed with convenience. We are accustom to everything at our fingertips, and being constant consumers. So, we have been programmed to believe we need to be depressed about what we don't have in the modern world. We want the latest, greatest, and have lost sight of what we need...instead of constant wants.

This plays into our mental health, more than many realize. This is when I personally have to put myself in check. I have to remind myself, WHAT DO YOU TRULY NEED? Is a cell phone necessary? By most measures now, it is helpful, but will I die without it...NO! Do I need 400 channels that I don't watch? NO! Do I need a brand new pick up truck? NO! Do I need a $5 coffee or a $10 lunch from a restaurant? NO and NO! Do I need water? YES! You can only survive 3 days without water. Do I need food? YES! Do I need electricity? This one is a split. Yes, I need it to keep my food cold/frozen, however, I do not need it for lights/internet/or even AC. Yes, those are nice...but likely, I will not die without it. Deciding your NEEDs VS. your WANTs, is beyond critical! Once you put perspective on needs vs. wants, it changes things. Would I love a new pair of jeans, shoes, or a new purse...sure. Will I survive without them, yep! Anyway, take the noise box and keeping up with others out of your view. A lot of the mental health issues today, stem from people trying to compare themselves to others. STOP THIS!!!! Each of us was created to perfection, and trying to be something you are not...has fueled this.

So, starting today, take some small steps to become the best "You" you can become. Forget anyone and everyone else. Tell yourself or write yourself a pep talk. Remember, "You are made to perfection. You are made to be exactly who you are in your original design. Respect yourself enough to KNOW you are worthy and valued...even if you can't see it yet." Take some small steps to regain your self-respect and value. Whatever that means for you...holding the door for someone else, smiling at someone, giving a compliment without a need for any type of return, show compassion/empathy. For the love of all things good, show yourself enough respect to dress in a means that will allow others to want to respect you as well! Having your private areas sticking out, or your pants hanging to your knees....is disrespectful to yourself AND others!

Let's move on to health. Even though every area I'm going to talk about, is interchangable, I want to attempt to touch on each individually too.  Americans, especially, are in horrible health. We eat too much, eat crappy food, drink too much soda, and not enough water. Now, before I get backlash about this...I am not talking about becoming a "salad shooter" as my husband refers to it. I am talking about moderation and healthier foods. I know the convenience of fast food. The Lord knows, I enjoy nights when I don't have to cook. However, when we cut out the majority of processed foods from our diets, our health improved 10 fold! We went 10 years without a flu bug, without anything more than a few colds and sinus issues AND I was able to cut twice a day allergy medications COMPLETELY!! So, this part is from experience too. I learned to garden. I learned to read labels, I learned to cook from scratch, I learned to make easy meals without them coming from a box. I bought organic foods when I could, but the money saved on medical bills was MORE than what was spent to do so. I quit drinking soda and didn't buy anything with certain food colorings. Yes, it was a major change and a LOT of work initially to learn all this. However, the effects of doing this was beyond remarkable. Now, a disclaimer here....I have gotten lazy, as has all in my household, about doing these things the past 7 years and difference in our health has reared its ugly head. We have battled illnesses continually for the majority of 5 years, and I am back to twice a day allergy meds. I am following these small steps, MYSELF, to get back to where we should be. You see, the experiences I've had has proven to me that our diet defines our health.

We, as Americans, have lost sight of moderation. We have so many blessings and so much available to us that we over indulge. So many, live to eat. Constantly worrying what restaurant they are going to next, what food they will eat. When you look back through history, instead of living to eat...people ate to live. They would sit down to eat, eat a small portion of whatever food was available, clear their plate from the table, and that was it. Now, we eat several meals a day. We fill or even mound our plates, and eat until we feel bloated. Did you know, you should only eat until you start to feel full or need a drink? Our current processed foods, are loaded with chemicals. These are chemicals that cause addiction aspects. Any white foods(rice, flour, sugar) are highly processed. Food colorings such as yellow, red or caramel are inflammatory for multiple illnesses and are highly addictive. Many additives in foods for a long shelf life...inflame allergies, sinus issues, thyroid issues, cancer, heart disease, ADHD, psoriasis, and so much more. Did you know that? 

So much of our health deterioration comes in from a lack of movement too. I am not saying go out and start some rigorous cardio program. Seriously, I am NOT going to be doing that. Start with small steps. Leg lifts while you are washing dishes or watching the noise box. When you get out of your chair, use your arms to lift you then get up. Stretch your muscles while gaming with lunges instead of just camping out. Start with very small steps to build up your body. Your body can not function with no movement. There are zero excuses for not trying to help yourself. The more sedentary you are, the faster your body will decay. With all the information at our fingertips today, do a google search for "couch potato exercises," and you will find hundreds you can do while you are sitting - this will allow you build your strength enough to take the next steps of better health. 

Even with all these larger areas...there is still one area that is a personal headache for me. My household. Again, I am going off of personal experience here. I make lists constantly. My lists are literally, pages long! Those lists are just general things like: clean living, wash walls, wash windows, clean out mud room, mow yard, garden, etc. I do not have them broken down into manageable tasks. So, when I look at those lists, they become so overwhelming, I don't even know where to start! I've had to learn the small steps, myself. So, an example:  Clean kitchen - do dishes, wash countertops, wipe down cabinet fronts, wash window, wash walls, dust, organize shelves, empty trash, sweep, mop/scrub floor. Learning to focus on a single room, broke down like this, while seeing everything else that needs done...is a challenge for me. Things such as, walls needing to be repaired and repainted, items that are cluttering the room that need to be removed or gotten rid of, or even things that I want to change...tend to leave me reeling. BUT I have to focus on the task at hand....actually getting the room cleaned. I seriously love being able to cross the smaller tasks off my list. One more thing that I am finding as a challenge...making certain that everyone in your home is doing their part, to make their home a comfortable place to live. Everyone in my home is old enough to take care of our home, like they live here, but most do not. I have to "ask for help." Well, it should not be that way. They live here just as I do, they should want a clean and comfortable environment in which to live. The stigma of the bygone years, of women's work...doesn't cut it. 

This also plays into building your food/pantry. I'm sure none of you are surprised to see this brought up again. Small steps, done consistently, will create success. Taking the approach of a few cans of food, every week, will build you a responsible food reserve. I am not a fan of shelf life food, but I am a fan of eating. So, having some things tucked away for later needs is necessary. I personally have a few cans of vegetables and fruit, however, I also preserve a lot of my foods - fruit, vegetables, soups, and meat. This keeps rotating as we cook, and keeps items from going bad. 

Your finances. Yet, another area that needs small steps. Start getting your debts paid! Stop purchasing items you do not NEED. That $25 you spend on fast food/coffee each week...put it as extra on your payment to your vehicle, home, credit cards. Make your lunch/coffee at home. Take a weekend mini vacation, save yourself hundreds and put it towards paying off a debt. Think outside the box. Anything extra you can, needs to be put towards paying down/off debts and stocking your pantry. 

Remember, we have reached a time that we need to become fiscally responsible, mentally responsible, health responsible, all around RESPONSIBLE for ourselves. We have plenty we can blame on others, but we all have free choice. It is our responsibility to break the cycles. To take charge of our own lives. To decide we are no longer going to be held in slavery or bondage - due to outstanding debt, poor health care, mental health or crap food. We are responsible for US!!

Official Summer Coffee Chat

 

Official Summer Coffee Chat

Where has the time gone?! Half way through the year, the official start of Summer, and 6 months until Christmas. Yikes!!! I'm not ready for that yet!! Seriously, I LOVE Christmas, but I am not ready! I'm loving my garden time, my time outdoors, not have to wear 40 layers of clothes to leave my house, bare foot walks(before everything got crunchy), and fresh veggies! So, I'm later in the day to start writing, I spent my morning researching and gathering some information I needed. I need to get busy this afternoon on some projects, but I'm moving a little slower after a tumble the other morning left me with a twisted and sore ankle. 

So, where to begin is always a challenge for me since my mind moves at a million miles a minute! I'm constantly going through thoughts, plans, information and projects. Let's start on farm happenings. In my immediate area, we are in a major drought. It's been over a month of no rainfall, high temps and pasture/hay is burning clear up. In this instance, what hay we can and have gotten has a serious depletion of nutrients. The lack of rain, is hampering so much. One of our local livestock markets has been flooded with the sell off of livestock, due to the lack of hay and the cost of hay/feed currently. I know those in Southwest, will understand that, all too well. We are hearing several "old timers" talking that they expect this drought to turn around here shortly. I am sure hopeful!! With decreased rainfall, that means not only has hay/pasture become premium in price, but the crops such as corn, soybeans and wheat will also. What does that mean? Well, anything that uses those crops, will become high priced too. For example: flour, corn meal, many cereals, breads, etc. will increase in price as more crops die off from the lack of rainfall. This also means that feeds for livestock - cows, pigs, chickens...will continue to rise, raising the prices of eggs and meat. It's one of those snowball effects. It could ultimately lead to many shortages on the grocery shelves, as well. I will just throw in another reminder to be getting your pantry stocked up!!

Gardening, for me, is not only an essential part of my family's preparations, but also a form of relaxation and sometimes stress! It's a mixed basket. I love time in my garden. It's quiet. It's my time to think, pray, and just "be." It's revitalizing to know that I have worked for what I get. I learn something new, nearly everyday. I spend my winter time, learning as much as I can to better my garden every year. From new techniques of planting, maximizing smaller spaces, garden additives, plant regeneration, pest control, trellising, and so much more! I take great "pride" in putting all that I learn into practice. Each year, I learn new techniques that help improve my odds of getting the most out of my harvests. I learn new recipes, new ways of preservation, and ways that didn't work so well too. There are so many ways that work, some work better for others, but finding what works for me. Learning my soil type, my growing days, the frost dates, how to grow from seed and plants, learning how to grow in a greenhouse - which is a beast in and of itself, and so much more!!! It's rewarding! The frustrations that happen from elements out of my control, namely Mother Nature. Late/early frosts, drought, excessive rain, or any number of other variables out-of-my-control, is a challenge. I do get frustrated by them, but I ultimately learn from them too. Learning to preserve foods has been a rewarding challenge. Having to learn this as an adult, was equivalent to "teaching an old dog new tricks." I didn't grow up knowing how to do this. I learned as an adult! Since then though, I have worked hard to get it down pat! I still make mistakes, I still find things that does not work. However, I have found a lot of things that do work. I have the successes in my pantry, every year. Depending on the year, 500-1000 jars of my own fresh food to feed my family. It's not easy!!! Battling Mother Nature, insects, neighbors dogs, racoons, or any other variable can knock out a garden in no time. I've had years that the weed population exceeded my vegetables by about 1000:1. It's work to keep a garden viable, productive and honestly...alive! It's not something, you put in and leave until July/August and voila, you have food. Gardening is a year round project. From planning, gathering, seeds, plants, planting, mainenance, water, weed removal, harvest, preservation, to putting your garden to rest for the winter - cleaning out, cleaning up; it takes work and effort. I personally love seeing the fruits of my effort, and hard work. 

Summer time at my home. Boy, does that get messy sometimes. I've said many times, when you live on a farm, you spend 6 months getting ready for the following 6 months. This is beyond true. Typically, from May until until November, we are in preparation mode, for November through April. That means having enough hay for each group of animals. Having enough straw for animal bedding for each group of animals. Beginning the ramp up of having 2-4 weeks of extra feeds on hand, in the event winter weather won't allow for deliveries. It means making sure the human foods are stocked for a minimum of 6 months. Getting any major repairs done around the farm, that must be done before cold weather sets in. This year, our major repair is replacing our water lines that keep springing leaks. There's been enough repairs for the problem areas, they must be replaced completely, before we have a much bigger, and costlier problem. I have to get fencing moved, and my coop repaired enough to get through another winter. Building or buying a new coop right now, is not possible. Once we get some rain, getting some new gardens worked up, is necessary! Moving some compost to my orchard and grape vines is necessary. None of this covers the events already scheduled on the farm...8th grade promotion, a wedding, the veteran deer hunt, and the Christmas Open House. Keeping up with the inside of the house during summer...is a challenge. I hate being stuck indoors. I honestly, do bare minimum. I slack pretty bad when the weather is nice enough to be outside. Usually, I wait for rainy days to worry about the inside much, but this year...so far, my house would be 6 foot deep if I did that. Not to mention, the past couple of years....any injury or illness I've gotten, has knocked me down, pretty bad. It has taken many months to get past illnesses, and even some injuries have taken as long or longer. I find myself frustrated by not being able to physically do some of the things I have always done, or having to ask for help and wait until someone actually helps. 

It's also the time that I start planning our school year, our holidays, and typically by this point...I am Christmas shopping. Not this year though. I have not even started! I'm more concerned with food for us and the animals, at this moment. I am a list maker, a planner. I don't do chaos or disorganization well. It makes my mind feel cluttered, and then I lose my shit. When stuff doesn't have at least a basic plan, it makes me edgy, angry, and full of attitude....worse than normal. I spent a lot time, battling stress and that is not good for me. I don't handle stress well, it causes me to lose weight, quick. I also do not gain weight back easy. So, that becomes a double edged sword. It messes with my immune system, it messes with my ability for thinking rational, it causes me to find every possible area of issue and then the negativity starts setting in. There isn't much I can't handle, but without outlets, it does get the better of me. So, planning and organizing, helps me to keep it all in check. I'm also someone that likes to talk out issues...not just sweep them under rug in hopes they will fix themselves. Communication seems necessary for me. Which seems to be something seriously lacking today. So, that tends to play in too, when so many just want to have surface conversations. 

For today, I am planning, and organizing my thoughts. I'm prioritizing projects and thoughts. I'm looking at ways to pinch pennies. I'm digging for more recipes and food preservation ideas. I'm doing things that will help my family in the big picture...not just right now. I'm looking beyond the current struggles to get a grasp on future plans. I'm learning to accept that I have the 24 hours in a day, that everyone else has....and understanding that at some point taking a few breaks isn't going to cause the world to crash around me. It's not easy but necessary. 

So, a short coffee chat to start off Summer. It's hot, it's dry but we will survive, somehow! It's a beautiful life with a few temporary hardships!

Ruled by taboos

 

What is a taboo? From the American Heritage Dictionary, 5th edition:

noun

1. A ban or inhibition resulting from social custom or emotional aversion.
2. A prohibition, especially in Polynesia and other South Pacific islands, excluding something from use, approach, or mention because of its sacred and inviolable nature.
3. An object, word, or act protected by such a prohibition.

I grew up understanding a taboo as something you didn't talk about, let alone be a part of. As a child, it was knowing better than than injecting my opinion into "adult" conversations, It was not speaking of politics, religion, sexual anything, clear down to commenting about someone's weight, clothing, disability, etc. In the very generalized sense, you kept your opinions to to yourself. 

 

That is very much NOT how society works today. Now, everyone has opinions and they voice them for the world hear. Now, I am not going to get into whether this is right or wrong...I'm pretty certain most know where I stand on this. I do believe believe everyone has the Constitutional right to voice their opinion, but many are quick to shoot down anyone else's right to the same, if they disagree. On this, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. 

 

Since the founding of our Constitutional Republic and prior in actuality, we have been ruled by taboos. Just think back:  Witch trials, the thought of Native Americans being "uncivilized," the model in which women/slaves(of all color and creeds)/children were property, gambling, sexual activities(both straight and gay), alcohol, drugs, tattoos and piercings, and the lists can go on! ALL of these things have been taboo subjects at some stage. So, who set any or all of things into taboo subjects? Typically speaking, it was religions, of all backgrounds - Christianity(including all off shoots; Catholic, Lutheran, Etc.), Muslim, Buddhism, Jewish, Mennonite, Amish. The religious sects set the stage. Now, if I remember my teachings correctly, Jesus walked amongst the sinners...not the saints. He walked with the alcoholics, the adulters, the abusers. He chose those with the shadiest backgrounds to lead other sinners to become righteous in the eyes of God.  I get the irony of this with the direction the churches are pushing. Anyway, for me, the fact of the manner...with a Bible that has been rewritten multiple times over the years, big sections of the Bible completely removed from some of the earliest civilizations "Bible," I am torn on religion altogether, NOT the existence of God.

As I said, taboos have ruled our behaviors for centuries. What one belief system believes versus another may change drastically. A great example is the Mennonite and Amish communities. Neither believe individuality or having anything worldly in the forms of cutting their hair, jewelry, or styles of clothing. They don't believe in gossip. However, their differences in how they interpret their religious beliefs are executed in a big way. Amish push the worldly items to include not using electricity, automobiles, or technology. While the largest majority of Mennonites use all of those things with limits...vehicles for their family must be black, the attend their religious services as a family on Sundays, and they do not work or have businesses open on Sunday's or religious holidays. Now, from my view point, the elder generation of Mennonites had a lot of positive accolades. When a woman in their community had a child, the other women would step in for several weeks to help out. They would help care for other children, cook, clean, etc. This would allow the new mom, time to bond and get the new baby into a pattern. When someone from their community would get ill, the others would step up to help. The elders still raise gardens and preserve foods...many of the younger generations do not. 

So, this kind of leads into an area that I am constantly concerned about. Family. I have seen how many family disputes have taken place when a loved one passes, or there are serious issues within a family unit. Now, before I go any further...I am not diving into all the modern areas of parenting, just what I know. I will ALWAYS champion for children. The kids are the ones who always suffer from parental neglect, or they thrive from a healthy parental guidance. Today, it seems that stating the opinion that children need BOTH their parents involved in their lives, is disputed and even argued. This has really appeared since the acceptance and normalization of divorce. A lack of healthy relationships within the adults, trickles down to the children...in both good and bad ways. Many people that have chosen to break away from their relationships, for whatever reason, have found ways to co-parent. Meaning, even though they may not be able to get along as a couple, they find a way to work together for the best interest of their child. I truly commend this, and pray this becomes a more normal way to handle a broken relationship. This does require the parents to be mature enough to agree to disagree with each others role in each others lives...but allows the child/children to be secure in knowing without any doubt that the child/children are loved and not the blame or pawn in the adults game. Taking this mature step, will help more children become more well rounded and will cut out acting out, as a means of getting attention - even if it means bad attention. 

For generations now, the family unit has been under fire. With the normalization of divorce, or one parent leaving; it has effected children for 40 plus years. Now, obviously, there are exceptions, BUT generally speaking, children have been used as pawns in adult games for a long time. This has helped to create a lot of the mental issues we face today. Yet another taboo. Mental illness is a very general, umbrella term. If you look into medical books from 80 years ago...90+% of all people today, would be considered to have some sort of mental illness. I have seen a lot of people that blame their crappy circumstances on their parents, words that have been spoken, and a number of other events in life. My personal theory is this: either use your circumstances as a crutch to never better yourself or use them as the foundation to build yourself better than those circumstances. It's kind of the same as tell me I can't do something, and I'm going to do it...and probably twice, while taking pictures!  

Another taboo that has had both good and bad extremism. The female/male role. There were a long of incredible women that worked hard to give women the freedom we have today. It allowed us to vote, not be considered property, to have jobs, to drive, etc. Women had finally broken a barrier into sports, where they had their own arena to compete in. The bad, now that has been muddied. Now, you can't even determine the DNA to decipher gender because that is one of the newest taboos. Now, you can pretend whatever you want. Whatever, to each their own. The problem I have here, there will NEVER be a biological man in a restroom that I take my daughter in. I will also NEVER play this pathetic game of pronouns. Speaking of yourself in that 3rd party manner is a true psychological medical disorder, and until the past 30 years would get you locked into a mental health facility. Anyway, women not that many decades ago, worked tirelessly to earn a place, as an equal citizen, and it's being wiped away. I am all for being an independent woman, a working/career women, being capable of doing anything and everything on your own...should you choose to. However, as with so many other areas, it has been hijacked and abused. As a woman, I can tell you - from my own view point, and I know this hits on some Biblical perspective. If you go off the Adam & Eve theory, man was created first. Woman was created from the rib of man - not the foot to be walked on, not his head to be superior; but from his side, to be equal. 

 

I know this next view will rile a few more. Men, by design were meant to be strong and be able to defend. Men today, are not men. A majority today are weak. They could not be providers, they have no backbone, and they can not be a partner to a strong woman. Men were meant to alpha, not heathens...but capable of protecting their loved ones. Women, sadly, have forgotten their own value. There are so many things women can do that men can not. The entire point here is that we should partners. I refuse to believe that a man, wearing skinny jeans could defend me if something bad would happen. Now, you find a the biggest biker in the crowd, and they know it is all about. Women don't need to be taken care of because they are incapable; they need to be taken care of because you value them. I personally can shoot an invader, I can fight off an attacker, but I rock an apron and cook one hell of meal, while balancing a baby in my arms. I don't need someone to protect me, take care of me, or provide for me...I am capable of all it myself, that does not mean I don't want my husband right there to handle it, because he values me...not thinks I'm incapable. I think many relationships have gotten this all wrong. I know generations ago, this was not same thought process. Husbands owned their wives, they were meant to be bare foot and pregnant, and seen - not heard. That is messed up!! Women & Men alike have had their brains rattled loose by whatever propaganda they've been fed. In any area I go, I look for the real Men...the bikers, the cowboys, the alphas. The pretty boys do not do a thing for me. 

 

The entire point of this blog, is how taboos have ruled us. Think about it! Stop buying into all the divisions, and whatever new fad comes along. Be a stand up person. Be proud of who you are. You can not pretend and actually stand for anything. Be real. You don't like your circumstances, only you can change them. I know in my eyes, I really don't care what life style you choose to live. Do not push it on me, do not push it on my children. If you are a good person, I will be good to you. It does not matter your lifestyle, you skin color, your nationality; none of that matters...YOUR OWN CHARACTER DOES!

 

Lightbulb! Ah Ha...

 

 

My "lightbulb, ah ha moment."

 

So, as you know, I believe in and practice a lot of insight and meditation. I have really worked on being a better steward of society. I have a strong faith in our Creator, no matter what label may be placed on him. I am in constant competition to be a better person each day, than I was the day before. I place some seriously high standards on myself. I have let myself down, and made mistakes that have thrown me for a loop at times. Reaching this current "ascension moment" has stemmed from many months of issues. Let me try to explain.

 

 If you know me, you know I am constantly on the go. Be it gardening, taking care of animals, my family, something on our farm, or a million other projects. About 8-9 months ago, I started fighting some sort of respiratory crap...it starts as a sinus infection, and for me has led to a vicious cycle of sinus/allergy, bronchitis, and at a couple points hit walking pneumonia. I would like to believe I have finally kicked it so all I'm dealing with now is allergies. There were days it took all I had to get out of bed, and anything more than that was a stretch. Anyway, my energy levels were awful, and my stamina was as bad. I got to a very dark level for me. Not depressed, but close. I found myself at a point of pity. Pity for myself, for some things I've dealt with, some things I've gone through, and again a million other things. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have felt pity for myself, in my LIFE! It lowers my energy and puts me on a level I do not want to be on. I struggled with not being what I wanted to be, feeling guilty for allowing myself months of nonsense, and ultimately, berating myself for becoming exactly the type of person I didn't want to be. I have studied psychology, and I know that negative self talk is detrimental. Knowing it and avoiding it are two very different things. It's like giving advice but not taking your own advice. 

Anyway, I spend a majority of my time doing things for my family, teaching my youngest child, attempting to stay on top of paperwork, keep up with the animals & their health, all while trying to keep up with extended family, friends, and do something that I enjoy as a stress relief. Well, stress has gotten the better of me. When I get super stressed, I can't eat...it will physically make me sick. So, these last months have meant I have dropped some weight. About 23 lbs. to be exact. It's not exactly easy for me to just put it back on, especially while still trying to manage my stress level. I spend so much of my time, trying to help everyone else...yet, I was needing help and no one saw it. 

So, the first of the kicks in my own backside was this: a dear friend and I were chatting. I was explaining some of the things I was dealing with and how overwhelmed I was. We talked through several scenarios, several options to ease the stress, and the final part of the conversation was me trying to quit smoking and each time I ended up smoking more, or belittling myself for having another one. She asked me how that was working for me. Not well, obviously, she said well give yourself permission to have one when you need it, after you have completed a chore. I'm giving you permission. That conversation(obviously, there was a lot more to that one), was the beginning of my eye opening. My first kick in the seat of the pants. My take away:  the negativity isn't working so turn it around and do something different. 

The next couple kicks have come over the past week or so. This one is a little harder to explain. Several days before my Dad's family was having a reunion, he got sick. He'd been fighting several health issues almost the entire time I had. The difference, he's 71. After losing my mother-in-law unexpectedly, I have had some real insights into how quickly our loved ones can leave us and their loss in our lives is a hole that can never be filled. Anyway, finding out my Dad had 2 arteries 100% blocked scared the crap out of me. I didn't plan to attend the reunion this year. Realistically, we didn't have the money and when I leave...everything seems to fall apart here at home. As I said earlier, I have some exceptionally high standards for myself, and leaving my work to anyone else seems irresponsible. Well, after a that scare and postponing a few things, I made the trip with my daughter. We decided we would try tent camping as part of schooling, and to not invade my Dad's house. She was thrilled, me a lot less so. Needless to say, we had a great time, Dad had an inflatable air mattress which made the camping thing fun, even for me. I got to spend some needed time with my Dad, even it did hit me like a ton of bricks that I know EXACTLY where I get my strong will from! Anyway, while I was there camping in a tent, one morning I woke up to the sun just starting to rise. It was cool outside, I pulled my blanket up and was going to go back to sleep...except I couldn't. As I watched the sun rise, it occurred to me that no matter how much I have researched, and how many things I now know have been taught to us that are inaccurate, I have still held on to something that is perceived as a negative. 

This kick was just today. It falls into the perceived negative I just shared. How many of us have heard, "aren't you just being an over achiever?" I have many times. Today thought was this: being an overachiever is a lie. What exactly are we over achieving? Who set the standards for achievement? Are we over achieving by reaching our goals, striving to go further than our family or ancestors? It's a big ole lie. So, let's move on to my gut feeling on this.

You see, a week and a half ago, it dawned on me that I am different. Yes, I know...stop laughing! I knew before before hand, actually most of my life. I AM different. My husband has told me that I have changed the past 3 years, and he's right, I have. In all my weakest moments, I always questioned if my parents were proud of who I have become, if my grandparents would be proud of who I have become, if I was a good enough sibling, friend, etc. But you want to know something sad? Never once did I ask myself if I was proud of who I had become. Never once did I look in the mirror and remind myself that so many different decisions could have made into a completely different person. So, since then, I have changed my views. I hope my family, extended family, and friends are proud of me...but I am proud of who I am working to become, I am proud of who I am today because I am better than I was yesterday. It takes a different perspective to learn confidence over arrogance. To realize that I may not get to every single project on my lists, but I work at them every single day. Even if that means, on a bad day, just getting one thing crossed off. Even if that means I push myself through a chore so I can sit down with my bottle of water and a cigarette. I do hold myself to high standards, and that won't change. Too many have low standards that they hit, rather than reaching higher and working harder. I'm not an over achiever, nor do I need accolades to acknowledge the things I do. I do what I feel is right, with the choices I am presented with. I may learn later down the road, that I made a stupid choice...but I go off the choices I have in the moment. I believe its called "live and learn."

I have changed a LOT the past 3 years, I needed to! I had become someone I didn't like. I made some bad judgement calls, I allowed stress to pile up, I let my own health take a big hit, I let many people take advantage of me, I had quit speaking my mind so I didn't ruffle any feathers, and even up to recently...I held in a lot to keep the peace. I kept myself so overly busy, I couldn't think about things I NEEDED. Instead of having having to tell or explain to people that I wanted respect, there were things missing or needs not being met. I kept quiet. I figured someone would notice. I have spent a big part of my life living by, "never depend on people, they will let you down." It's true, but it's still sad. I found myself with pages of things that needed to get done, and got so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start. I quit doing pretty much everything off the farm, aside from necessary grocery/feed trips. All the research I have done, has had me doing everything I could to stock my pantry, get bills paid off, and try to find a little extra every pay period to keep as cash. I found very few that I could talk openly with about my research so I quit talking. Most of what I learned 3-4 years ago, is happening now. I want to set an example for my kids, teaching them everything I can, so they can do better than what I will do in my life. I want them to succeed, I want them to be critical thinkers, I want them to be "over achievers," I want them to set their standards high, and not lower them for anyone! 

There is so much more I could write about here. Each day I wake up is another opportunity to improve myself, FOR myself. I don't need to impress anyone. I have taken some time, and may take a little more yet, to restructure what needs done around here. There are things I am not willing to give up or walk away from, but I need to flip things around to priority. For years I said, "when things aren't going right, take a hard left." I think it's about time for a hard left. My house may get messy but it's never dirty. I may get some weeds in my garden but I will get to them. I think having clean clothes should be a high priority. Meal planning and preparation may have a few new chefs, a few days a week. As I begin sorting/organizing/pitching, I may try to sell some of the stuff to buy some lumber. I would love to build something again. I may bite the bullet and ask my husband to teach me how to use the big tiller. I may not be able to handle it alone right now...but I will get there. Each day, I am going to work towards one main goal. I have lots to choose from. I want to make some changes in a lot of areas that are not working for me. I got a little lazy for several years, trying to keep peace, trying to make everyone else's life better...it just created issues for me. It has come time that every person has to handle their stuff. Being a venting post is ok at times, but not all the time. There are times the only way to learn, is the hard way. It doesn't matter if you are 5, 15, 25, 45, or 75. I no longer will be allowing guilt trips, manipulation, belittling, berating or any other negative action, without it being called out. You see, after YEARS of poor behaviors by others, my own poor choices, and allowing others to place a value on me...it knocked me to my knees.

From this point forward, I will only be on my knees to pray!  I pray, nearly everyday for my husband and my kids, my extended family and our dearest friends. I pray for safety, good health and guidance. I pray for our country and our military. As I finish this blog, I encourage you to be a blessing, not a lesson.

Coffee, farm and more updates

 

It seems to be a good morning for updates and a coffee chat. My mind is racing and it's been a busy few weeks around here. I share a lot of long posts on social media, but none of them even touch the amount of information that races through my brain on a daily basis. My brain can get a little scary!

So, where to begin....? With the second pot of coffee brewed, lets start with the farm. I know I say often how much I love my farm life, and I truly would not change this life for any other. I love being on a farm, in the middle of nowhere, with the space to just "be."  The thing about farm life, it takes a lot of WORK! It's not something that you can just do when you get the urge. It is a daily effort. This life doesn't care if you're ill, having a bad day, just want to rest, or go on vacation. I am not knocking anyone that chooses not to live this way, but I do live this way. So, time away takes planning, preparing and pushing my work off on someone else. That typically means that I do not get away from here often, or for very long. I enjoy getting to spend some time away, but it usually reminds me how much I have changed and how different my life truly is. I was able to take a 4 day "vacation" recently. I got to spend some much needed time with my Dad and extended family. Aside from my Dad, my extended family hasn't been to my farm/home in all the years I have lived in Missouri. So, unless I go back to Illinois, I don't see them. It was a nice break, but a little taxing also since my Dad is having some health issues. As far as my farm goes, it's been a busy year. We had 2 rounds of lambs this year, this was a first for our farm. We had around 40 head born in January and another roughly 40 head in March/April. We have roughly 40 head of ewes and a couple of rams that are residents on our farm. My oldest sold all but 2 of his full size cow herd, and ventured into mini cows this year. With the rising costs of feed and hay, the limited amount of pasture available in our area, he was faced with either selling out altogether or making a massive change. Mind you, he HATES change!!! We have a small amount of ducks and chickens, and a couple of goats. The past 12 months has required a lot of change for our little farm. Around our farm, we watch a lot of signs to give us direction. The weather, the wildlife, the weeds, etc. These may seem to old wives tales or the way we see it...old farmer observations. Some things technology just can't provide. Hay last year was short. Hay this year, is already in very bad shape. We are told we are in a D2 drought, in early June! A local farmer that has studied the weather patterns through the years, has said if we don't start getting some rain by the 15th of this month, the crops/hay won't make it. This is a very serious issue for livestock producers, grains, clear down to grocery shelves. I have worked hard to make my garden work this year. Obviously, without rain/water nothing will grow. Well, watering has been required, almost daily for weeks. This in turn increases a water bill since we are not on a well. But that too is a trade off...water the garden that will hopefully feed your family for the winter and pay a little higher water bill, OR have to buy the high priced crap off the store shelves that just seems to be getting higher by the day. With my main garden in, and doing ok...I realized quickly that it not near enough for the times. Until the last 7 years, I had 3 separate gardens that were chocked clear full of produce. We had preserved 800-1000 jars of food annually for a long time. The past 5 years, I had just my main garden with about half of that preserved annually. Now, after a pantry inventory over the weekend....I know I need more garden space ASAP!! I've said before that planting fruit trees, takes a long wait for production. My fruit trees were put in, in 2014, and this year will be only the second time of getting fruit from them. I have a few more to get planted, but I know it will be years before I see any fruits of my labor, quite literally. 

This is a great place to dive into the conversation. Groceries. I know everyone gets tired of hearing me talk about this, but food is essential to life. I have spent years shopping at a local Mennonite store. I have always heralded how inexpensive they were. Sadly, this has changed. I made a trip Saturday to get some fill in items...milk, bread, fresh produce, a few pantry items that we had run out of, and a few other things. I walked out with 8 grocery bags, and spent nearly $200. Everything, aside from the milk, had increased by no less that 25%. So, as my husband and I were discussing the food costs and the pantry got inventory done...it was realized that not only do we need to make an Aldi run, but we have no choice but do everything possible to preserve everything possible. Which in turn, circled around to needing more garden space. Anyway, I did a quick lookup online of Aldi prices on a few pantry items we need...and compared prices to our local store. Here is a few items to compare:  Cream soups(mushroom & chicken) Local - $1.29 each for generic, $0.75 Aldi. Peanut Butter local $4.99 3lbs(generic), $1.99 Aldi. Canned Fruit(generic) local $2.39 a can, $1.39 Aldi.  These are just a few...with just the differences here, I can justify driving 45 miles one direction to go to Aldi. This was sad to me. Typically, I figure for the time and gas...I can pay just a little more to stay local. The differences currently, I can not justify it. Now, I am not shopping at Wal-Mart. I do everything within my power to avoid that store! Realistically, I do everything I can to avoid ALL big box stores. Those price differences, do not leave me with many choices for my budget. Is the traffic, the excessive amount of people, and the long drive worth it...not usually. In today's instance, I believe it has to be. You see, when I preach about stocking up, and staying stocked up; I do this as more than just being prepared. Have you seen the behaviors of people lately? If people are already pushing and shoving, already being rude and ignorant, road rage is getting worse, theft and crime is getting out-of-control; Just imagine what the stores will be like when supplies get low, prices get even higher, and people start truly experiencing a lack of their comforts. I will continue to shop local on whatever I can, but I also have to be truly mindful of my budget limitations. Having to choose between paying bills, buying medication or buying food, is a reality for many Americans already. 

As Americans, we have had many years of overall comfort. If you look back through History, our grandparents/great-grandparents generations, knew true struggles. Just look into the history of the saying, "dirt floor poor," or "don't throw the baby out with the bath water." It's a stark contrast to most of us younger than 60! Many of our younger generations actually believe the food just automatically is at the grocery store...they don't understand food has to be grown somewhere. Even my own generation doesn't grasp the concept of living without cell phones, internet, Starbucks, Dunkin, or fast food. Would you be able to survive if you had nothing at your fingertips besides what/who you have in your home right now? Technology has become such a staple in our lives now. Whether that be constant access by phone - cell, online apps, texting. I know I am super guilty of being constantly connected. It has been beneficial to keep in touch with family & friends from a distance, but look at how many/much miscommunication it has created. The inability of people to be capable to communicate seems to get worse by the day. I know for me, the whole texting thing is an irritant! I don't do all the ridiculous abbreviations, most of them I couldn't even tell you what they mean! I will type out a message, and the responses that come in with "K" piss me clear off. Grammer, vocabulary, spelling; apparently are also lacking in society. It's frustrating to try to have a conversation when you are battling noise - cell phones, TV, or social media. Many times, I get so frustrated, I just stop talking. Why bother trying to have a one-sided conversation. It's not much different from trying to have an online conversation. We are all guilty of listening just enough to react, but not listening to actually hear and respond. We have become reactive instead of proactive. So many have lost the ability to be empathetic. We don't allow ourselves to be able to try to understand other's positions/thoughts. We are just always in the need of being heard, making our point. Which if we are being real, boils down to ego. It's really sad. In the bygone years, our grandparents/great-grandparents, focused on family and community. Family units were put above nearly everything else, followed closely by community. Each family had their own thing they did. Whether that was sewing, gardening, raising livestock, milk, eggs, blacksmithing, etc. They worked together to make sure their families and communities survived. There wasn't room for ego. Once their family was cared for, they shared their harvest with neighbors/community. There was no room for biting the hand that fed you. Everyone pulled together. That is how and why WE, are here today. It had nothing to do with greed, stepping on fingers to climb some ladder, or some cut throat tactic to strip someone else out of something else. It is so sad for me, to see all the underhanded and backstabbing, that goes on in the world today. The sad part of this is, it has filtered into some of the communities that I never thought it would, namely the supposed religious ones. It's just sad!

As you surely see, it's very frustrating for me to keep my mouth in check...most days! I hear people complaining about not having money, yet they are eating fast food all the time, running to an overpriced coffee shop, or maxing out their credit cards for whatever reason. I know that people need to live their lives, but complaining about being broke and not making changes to better themselves has never sat well with me. I know a lot of people are not like me, and can not understand why I rarely leave my farm aside from only when I have to. I get that. I have the experience of both worlds, as I refer to it. I lived in a bigger area, I spent a lot of time and money to go gambling/shopping/vacations. I drove all over everywhere, ate out more than I cooked. I couldn't go more than 24 hours without being around other people. I did the bar scene, the party scene, etc. Now, I don't. I don't usually even want to! I can be cordial to people when I have to go out. So much of the time though, I can see their fakeness. I don't do fake well. I struggle with surface conversations. I have no use for sugar coating most of what I have to say. Because quite honestly, I truly believe in "you do you." I just don't want it shoved in my face, or down my throat. I will treat everyone as good as I possibly can until you prove to me that your character isn't worth my time. I don't base my life on race/gender/etc. I base everything on how I am treated. I attempt to be fair to everyone. 

I am needing to get back to my own grind today, and my mind is still racing. As I said on social media, I have had a pretty massive "light bulb moment," in my life the past couple weeks. I'm still attempting to make sense of it, and put it into practice. One thing from that moment, the need to help others is good but not everyone realizes or wants help. Sometimes, they are content to just complain, belittle, and talk about you behind your back. You can't fix this. No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone drilling holes in your boat while you are trying to bale the water out. They are the proverbial anchor slowing down your ability to achieve more. Cut that anchor.