Thoughts during the chaos

So many times, I struggle through keeping thoughts to myself. This year, it has become easier to reign in my thoughts and only speak the ones that are the most important to me, at the moment. I believe the reason is that I have felt an energy shift in so many areas. Whether it be society, my home, my work, extended family or any of the other fractions of life I deal with daily. That being said, I am going to open my thoughts in this blog. I can only keep so much...and it's time to let some go! As I said yesterday on my social media, I was reading a post from a marriage group, a young lady in her 20's was discussing a marriage of convenience. Now, having been married 21 1/2 years...I can't find a single "convenient" thing about marriage. Marriage is complicated. It is trying, it is rewarding, it takes massive amounts of effort. Am I wrong? I may have grown up many years ago, but marriage was not something you should take lightly. There are so many areas that take hard work, determination, constant effort, and let's not forget the outside interference that comes in when you have to juggle jobs, extended families, and children. This young woman was discussing how it was "convenient" to be married for tax reasons, for purchasing a home and vehicles, and so she could wear a wedding ring that was huge. I just kept thinking...boy is this girl going to get a massive dose of reality, when life truly steps in. I don't know about you but for me, marriage initially, was not even close to convenient. It was chaos, it was a headache, and it sucked! I had a beautiful wedding(a single day), and basically 5 days before life truly kicked in. Then it was a struggle. Changing my name, getting adjusted to having someone else in the house 24/7, finding personality conflicts I hadn't seen in the year we dated, finding idiosyncrasies that were truly annoying(for both of us, I'm sure), and attempting to find a happy medium to co-exist. It took us 7 years, and a child, to finally get a place we were constantly at each other's throats. It took another 7 years to learn how to deal with each other through all the personality differences and mood changes. It took our 2nd child before we finally got to a place of working together for the betterment of our family, and it has taken all 21 1/2 years to be able to argue without being hateful, disrespectful, and having to learn that we can agree to disagree. I can not, for the life of me, understand what or why you would ever marry for convenience. Many times, being single is not only a good thing but it is also the best thing if you can not love your partner without a condition. I'm going to apologize because I feel an awful lot of soap boxes have build up by not completely speaking my mind. I will do my best to temper them...but no promises! Next up, our farm life. You would not believe how many times I have heard, "you don't farm, you have less than 100 acres and only animals." Well, to some degree this is accurate. We don't have 100 or more acres, believe me, we would if they were available. We have hay and we have sheep, cows, goats, chickens and very soon...ducks. We put up hay a couple times a year, which means working around Mother Nature's mood swings in late May and early June...normally. That requires not only having the equipment to do so, keeping them in good working order, checking the soil twice a year for needed fertilizer, seeding every couple years to allow for new growth as needed, mowing the hay - which typically takes about 30 hours per mowing, letting that hay dry for 2-3 days, raking the hay - which typically involves many more hours, baling that hay - at a whopping 4 mph...it takes time. Then once the hay is baled, then all the 1800 lbs. bales have to be moved, stacked, and counted. Then comes the small square bales, pretty much the sequence but there are LOTS more, require picking up by hand and loading on a trailer and then unloaded and restacked in the barn. All the while, you are checking fences daily, feeding and watering all the animals twice a day, checking every single animal daily for any health issues, keeping tabs on the husbandry schedules for breeding, strawing nests/bedding for all the animals every 7-10 days depending on the weather, getting feed/vetrinarian supply orders in or having to go get feed/mineral, repairing fences - whether on as needed basis or as we did this summer...ripping out old/worn out fence and completely replacing them. We do not row crop farm. Honestly, that side of farming is too risky for my blood. As moody as Mother Nature has been, the idea of losing billions of bushels of crop because of weather issues, is too much stress! Raising animals, hay and keeping up with pastures; is enough for me. Personally, our little 25 acre farm is a great starting point. The farm is more than just animals and hay though. We raise gardens every year. This provides our family many of our vegetable needs every winter. We can an average of 600-1000 quarts of vegetables or sauces every year. When we can get fruit, that is also canned/froze/dehydrated. We raise our own beef, lamb, and occassionally pork. Living out like we do, being able to stock up all year, means we won't have issues if the snow or ice cause us days of being stuck at home. Because we live as we do, many people can't grasp the work, time, effort and stress that goes into every single day. Many see a family farm as a luxary. While we believe that it is, most do not see the amount of work that goes into everyday. It's not a 9-5 job, it doesn't end when it's cold or raining, it doesn't care if you are sick/tired/injured. Twice a day, EVERY DAY, you check and care for animals. That means no vacations, no extended visits away from home with your whole family - someone has to be here to care for the animals, no excuses of being too busy to go check animals. You don't eat until they do. It's providing shade and extra water in warmer weather, and providing extra bedding/insulation and breaking open watering pans every few hours when it's cold. This life style is not for the faint of heart nor for those that can't commit to the full-time responsibility! Next soap box...Politics. I am not your typical left wing/right wing extremist. It is very clear to me, both parties are crooks and liars. Here is a very unfavorable opinion, I believe it's because it's true and some just want to keep their heads stuffed in the sand. We have elected politicians that have been in office for as much as 47 years, and they are blaming someone who in NOT a politician and has only been in office for 4 years. I believe if those long-term politicians were truly concerned for Americans...they SHOULD have done something YEARS ago! I am a very independent voter, I have actually leaned more Democrat than Republican. The last several years, I have seen some very shady, criminal behaviors coming from both parties...but moreso from the Democratic party. The Media has become very bias, and no longer gives us the facts or both sides of a story. It's become more of a propoganda machine. You can not trust anything on television, which is why I quit watching it about 10 years ago. I want the FACTS, I want BOTH sides to a story...then I want to make up my own mind! I refuse to support some of the groups that are currently taking up space, because they are criminals. You have every right to protest, PEACEFULLY. You are a criminal when you burn down homes and businesses(arson), you break into businesses(Theft), and you physically harm those who disagree with you(assult). I support my friends who are black/white/brown/red, gay/straight, married/single, religious/athiest and even those who vote by party lines. The thing is, I support each of these groups of people. You can have your beliefs, your cultural differences, your different skin colors...without forcing this on others. If I went out and started forcing my beliefs on others, that would be the equalent of what is happening in today's society. You can do/be who you are; that's for you. The great thing about America, you are free to chase your own dreams...but you are not free to force others to chase your dream...each of us has our own dreams to chase. Our own liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Our education system is failing our country. The Constitution needs to be taught every year of school, if your students know your political alignments you should be ashamed! History has become something so many young people want to try to erase, but they neglect to understand that by learning it, it helps us avoid making terrible mistakes again. You want a better America, get the government out of our lives, get back to self-responsibility. It is not the governments job to protect us from ourselves. It is not the governments job to run your life, supply your finances, guarantee you ANYTHING beyond the freedom to pursue your own happiness. There is a massive storm brewing, not only in society but within my personal being. The storm in me, is chasing my dreams, and finding my purpose. My life has hit a new phase. It's the phase where my children are older and more self-relient. Where they no longer need me every second of every day. It's the feeling lost or fumbling stage. That mid-life phase where my body does it's own thing, my moods may change on a dime, clutter drives me absolutely insane, ignorance and know-it-all's piss me off, it's relearning how to be someone that was long ago dropped to be a 24/7 care giver for my children. It's learning to mindful, spiritual and calm...this I'm still attempting to learn. It's accepting what you can't change, changing what you can and knowing you deserve to take care of yourself. It's helping your children spread their wings, while praying they don't fly too far. It's finding a new normal with your spouse, because this life changing time for me, has changed everything. It's accepting that you aren't the young thing you once were, but you are so much more than you ever thought possible, and still wanting/needing to continue learning more. It's learning that many of the trials in your past will haunt you but trying to overcome them through understanding and analysing; and trying to forgive and let go. It's a massive shift of thought, and emotion. It's a challenge to understand without coming across as angry instead of curious. It's an hourly struggle, every single day. It's the struggle to not let emotion control you, whether it's sadness, anger, irritation. It's knowing you're moody and trying to keep it in check at all times. I have accepted my short-comings, and try to learn from them. I struggle to be the best person I can be, each and every day. I, however, am no where near perfect. I know I have a lot of flaws and unique quirks. I like to believe that this is what makes me me...but I also know, my heart. There are VERY few people that I would not help, or even go out of my way to do whatever I could for. There are several that have taken this for granted. I know it, and it has changed my view on some things. However, I refuse to deny that I will help whenever I can...but when I'm done, I'm done. I bust my butt for so many other people, and while my own expectations of other's have disappointed me...I still choose to believe there is good in most people. Wishing you all a beautiful day. Take heart that we all deserve happiness. Salli

Fall farm chaos, life's roller coaster

I am thoroughly amazed that we are half way through September already. After a year that has been chaos personified, days that have seemed to be like Ground Hog Day for real, and so much hatred in hearts...it is difficult to think so much of an entire year has been wasted by ignorance, manipulation, and greed. Here on our little farm, life has continued as it must, and projects have been done as time, materials and finances have allowed. Anyone that has lived on a farm, knows that projects are never done. There is always fence to repare, sheds that need repair/updates, equipment that also need repairs/updates, animal care that ranges from bulk feed to veterinary care, and then there is always home updates, family needs, and for us...our outside jobs, and wood for the furnace. You learn that the season changes bring a constant list of preparations. Obviously, Winter prep work is hugely the most, since weather here can keep us grounded in short order. Even with the extra work that goes into Winter prep, it's still my favorite time of the year. So many of our farm activities have been cancelled this year due to the virus. We, like everyone else, were concerned early on about making sure we did our part to "flatten the curve." However, a virus is not something that should have halted life. Yes, all viruses can be deadly and this one was largely a new virus. Vaccines can be beneficial, but even with the regular flu virus and vaccines we have a massive amount of people that die each year. While I will be cautious and if we are ill or there is a large outbreak in our area, I will steer clear of everyone for a bit...but this should be a common sense approach. If you are sick, and/or are running a fever,stay home. If you feel safe wearing a mask, by all means do so....if not, then don't. Wah your hands regularly, wash your clothing regularly, clean your house, but life must go on. Using panic and parania to frighten society into a third world behavior is demented. Speaking with a few healthcare friends, and shed a lot of light on the current health situations. These 3 providers are seriously concern for the snowball effect this pandamonium is causing, and I have to agree with their insight. While so many have been in isolation, lockdowns, and overall "social distancing;" this has taken a huge toll on not only physical health, mental health and well being. When you consider that stress is so detrimental to your overall health, you add in job losses, not being able to get together with family & friends, having constant informational overload, constant changing of "science" and you throw in to play the division within society about almost everything anymore, and you have the perfect storm for a serious mental/physical health breakdown. One constant thought has come from all the information...sunlight and time outdoors is good for us all. Even though there are states that have some pretty stingent rules, being outdoors...even in your yard, is cathartic. Direct sunshine is a natural source of Vitamin D. This is a true cure-all for so much. Just think about how much better you feel when the sun is shining! Cleanliness has taken center stage, something that has truly shocked me. Yes, cleaning, and hygiene should be normal, but there is such a thing as too much. As with everything, too much of anything can still be too much. Our children have gotten away from being kids, playing in the mud, having to do chores, and living on technology. As we try to make life better for them, we are making things worse. So many young people are becoming stressed out by the over involvment in activities, trying to keep up with school and the atrocious amounts of homework, and not having to think for themselves. They are being told what to do every minute for 18 years, then thrown into life to think for themselves, and they are not prepared. We need to find a balance with mental health without compromising their civic responsibilities. I don't the answers here, I wish I did. We have so many young men and women that don't know how to sew a button on their shirt, how to cook a basic meal, let alone how to work on their own vehicle. They spend too much time playing video games to realize that real life is nothing like a game. Somewhere along the line, we have become a society devoted to extremism. I will not dwell much in this little soap box, because frankly, politics just piss me off. I am going to just expand on yet another area of extremism. Elections in the states have become pretty heated each cycle, the older I get. I very rarely ever look at a single side of the political spectrum. I have voted both parties, but I vote on records, people, and agendas...not party. The election cycle seems to become a another area of manipulation and mud-slinging. Each party believes their candidates are the best, and you have those who do vote party only. While I have had many times I have voted for the lesser of two evils, I always try to vote whomever is staying in line with the Constitution. Too many in our country are willing to trade a false sense of security for the very freedoms within our Constitution. The very politicians that continue to be elected into office, are lining their pockets selling their souls, to keep their power and enslave the American people. I personally believe that ALL elected politicians should be held to a term limit equal to the President. They should not be allowed to have benefits that do not apply to ALL Americans, they should have to pay into Social Security and Medicare just as we are required to. They should not receive life long pensions, not should they be allowed to run our country trillions of dollars into debt. This applies to ALL politicians, from BOTH parties. Whether you realize it or not, Democrat or Republican, they are all the same. They are manipulating Americans, they are pathalogical liars, and they are greedy. Off that soap box, and on to the next. Most people that know me, know that I am opinionated, pretty strong-willed, and do my best to always be kind. I have found myself in a moment that is truly testing my own self-perseptions. While I think being strong-willed and opinionated is a family trait, I do my best to be open-minded. I live by a few theories..."to each their own, do unto others as you would have done to you, and it's not my job to judge others as I am not perfect." However, this year has had me questioning so much. I hate to whine, and allow myself to get into a pity party but some days, it's a challenge to pull myself out of that mentality. I can't remember a time that when I have gotten overwhelmed, I have not withdrawn. I'm told this is a coping mechanism, an unhealthy one, but one none-the-less. I attempt to keep on the straight and narrow, but if I know or believe I am right...I will go toe-to-toe with someone. While I am very outspoken, I will withdraw a little at a time when I no longer feel I am effectively doing what I need to do. Many times, I withdraw into myself to evaluate my thoughts. Whether they are happy, sad, angry or content. It doesn't matter. If I am overwhelmed, I withdraw. There are very few people that realize the extent of this withdrawl. I tend to care too much. I don't care if people like me, that is not even on my radar. Most people don't like themselves, so why would it matter if they like me?! I care because I see or feel people's intentions. I can't explain this emotion, as much as I would like to. For me, people tend to show their true colors pretty fast, once in a while, I am tripped up by someone that pulls the wool over my eyes, but not often. Once I get a bad vibe from someone, I'm done with them. I have managed to overcome several trials in my life, and to do so with my heart somewhat intact. I will not allow anyone to stay involved in my life that is toxic to me or to my family. I can't. Life is such an overall short journey. I know there are so many of us that have entered a new phase in our lives. I'm speaking of all the ladies dealing with this lovely peri-menopausal phase. It wasn't enough to have the puberty, maturing to the birthing years; now, we have this phase. The emotional roller coaster, the hot sweats, night sweats, cold sweats, crazy cravings, weird body changes, headaches, itchy skin, not to mention feeling like you're losing your mind! This is yet another right of passage, I suppose. I can tell you, feeling like your brain is in a fog, not sure whether you want to guzzle a bottle of wine or empty a pot of coffee, craving food you don't even like, many of us are still juggling younger children, trying to keep our marriages afloat, keep up with jobs, friends, family and not loose our shit on a daily basis...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Hitting my mid-40's, doesn't bother me. I love my birthday's! However, this new phase is insane! I truly understand the term mid-life crisis. Not in the general sense that I'm going to out looking for some younger guy or buy some stupidly priced, useless vehicle; but in the sense of the changes happening. Our children are growing up and needing us less and less, so many of us have devoted our lives to our spouses and children and now we have more free time than we have in years, we may be feeling restless in our jobs/careers, and we are now asking "what do we do with ourselves?" I'm told this is all normal, but personally, it doesn't feel normal to me. It makes me feel too chaotic, too unorganized, too restless, too something! As so many of us are reaching this phase, many I have talked to have been asking the same questions..."what now? is this normal? will I ever feel like me again?" I'm told you will feel like you, only better and wiser. We all know that we change through the years, and this is just another change to adapt to. I don't have any answers, I sure wish I did! I will just say this, you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not losing your mind, and this too will pass! Find someone you trust to talk to, to down that bottle of wine with, drink that pot of coffee with and find something meaningful/fulfilling and productive to do with your extra time and energy! We survived the 70's, the 90's, Y2K, and child-rearing years...We got this! Break out the 90's ballads and rock! Today, I'm diving into more organization and structure in my home. With the restless energy I have been struggling with, I have to keep my hands and mind busy. I know my family just cringes each time I start new projects, but I am having to do things for me. I have spent so much time this year in deep thought. I have tried to balance several areas of my life and it's just not working anymore. So, I am focusing on what's most important to me. I am finishing this year with current committments, plans and projects; but there will be a lot of big changes beginning soon. I will stay true to me, my beliefs, my standards. I have to find my balance again. Have a great week! Fall is just around the corner. Get out in nature, go to your local pumpkin patches, get fall pictures taken, live your life to the fullest! Salli