...to work through thoughts today

 

 

 

 

Today my mind is cluttered to the max. I'm struggling to get motivated, stay focused and there is just a heavy feeling today that I can't seem to shake. I really don't like days like these. It's really difficult to explain. There is nothing wrong, I'm not upset, but my thoughts are literally darting from one to the next, in the flip of a switch. Even with my never ending to-do lists, I can usually get several things accomplished in a day. None of it very exciting, but things do get done. So far today...I've drank my coffee, cried at a video, had 50 different thoughts try to take up residency only to scatter off again when I try to focus on one at a time. I'm not even certain where this blog will go...

 

I'd say it's another coffee and conversation, but not really, because the coffee is gone and I feel like the conversation will become a giant talk in a circle, with no real direction or solutions. The intensity in my brain today, is something else. I'm sure it seems crazy to be so over-stimulated, but it definitely feels that way. A couple of very simple conversations this morning has even led to near melt down for me. Maybe typing out a few lines for each thought as they come, will lead to some solid ground. Let's hope!

 

Questioning how you find like minded people in a world full of people stuck on a treadmill of chaos, has left me bewildered. Most of us that are like minded, stay in our little worlds and avoid the chaos. There in lies a big problem in trying to network. So many seem happy to live with the "instant gratification era," that they rarely slow down. While I know the benefits of technology, I do believe the constant inundation in it, has led to lack of human decency and common courtesies. 

 

We speak often about family. I also know, my husband and I grew up in a time that divorce was more common than not. This really opened a door for the destruction of family units. Families began splitting, becoming more separate, and divided. Divorces were ugly. At least most that I knew of. The adults truly hated each other and that resulted in the kids having to divide loyalties, many kids learning to play the adults to their advantage because the adults were too wrapped up in their own circus to do what was best for the kids. When you have a divided family, you then bring step parents, and that opens a whole other host of challenges...for the adults and children alike. There is so much time divided between households, siblings, and extended families that, as an adult of that...it was easier to break away from it all for me. I vowed I would never put my own kids in the position that I had, no matter what the situation was. It took me years to piece together my own thoughts, emotions, feelings and pieces of truth from growing up in a divided family. There are times, even at 50, that a memory pops up and it's like a light bulb goes off...oh yeah, whatever is happening in the moment, makes sense now. I have to say, so many parents now that do divorce, they are putting aside their own difference to co-parent and have a united front for the kids sake. I congratulate them. 

 

The world today seems like a snow globe to me. It's all shook up, and you can't tell what's real anymore, and what's a big ole lie. I all but quit watching television in 2012. When you can do your own research on the stories they tell and find the truth in seconds...why listen to the half truths and outright lies of the media? There is so much being accepted that is morally and ethically wrong, yet it's being celebrated by the biggest mouths. Politics is nothing more than 2 wings of the same bird. It's just a matter of whose lies you like better. Neither party works for us, as the Constitution states they are required to, and no one is holding any of them accountable. I keep hearing oh well, we'll vote the next election for the lesser of the evils. Do you even hear yourselves?! Those elected, WORK FOR US! Period! Sadly, the past 5+ decades, they have done less and less to even hide their hatred of the American citizens. To listen to them talk about the dumb American's and yet people still vote for these losers? Why??? Education in our country has been dumbed down for so many decades, you can't even have a civil conversation about laws, government, or your own beliefs before someone is claiming you are some evil or anti-something. How about this; I am FOR: American citizens first, abiding by the Constitution, teaching our children the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, how government is meant to operate, teaching them to live off the land and NOT the government, teaching them to work for what they want, to stay out of debt, and to have a healthy relationship with kids of their own to carry on the family values.  I am FOR the smallest government humanly possible, I am FOR keeping our collective noses out of other countries and keeping them out of our finances. I am FOR the government operating within a balanced budget or not earning a wage until they do. I am FOR term limits on Congress. I am FOR legal immigration, with a SINGLE loyalty...the USA or stay in your own country. 

 

I believe we have lost knowledge of basic wants and needs. Too many people find it necessary to have what others have. Then they end up, up to their eye balls in debt, they will never get out of. I would love a new and bigger house, but I have a beautiful and warm home now. My vehicles are old, but they are paid for. Our farm equipment is old, and occasionally needs repairs, but guess what...it's paid off. Yep, I still have a little debt, but each week I am closer to being free of the chains of debt slavery. We use our cell phones until they literally no longer work. Then we buy cheap replacements.We don't do vacations for several reasons, but the 2 big ones are that we live on an operating farm and I don't see a need to waste money traveling when we already live in an area that is a slice of Heaven. There are plenty of beautiful places, but I have zero desire to see the world. My world, where I live, where my kids and husband are...is the most precious place there is. 

 

I spent years talking about the "homesteading" life. The life I have learned. Talking about gardening, preserving foods, raising kids holistically, home schooling, and living on a single income. Long before it was a popular subject. I learned to cook, learned to make nearly everything from scratch, have spent years eating mostly what we grew or raised, buying very minimal from a store. Now, there are millions of videos and web sites devoted to this. More people are raising chickens than they have since the 50's. I spent years talking about constantly being prepared...food, medical needs, and fire power. None of this was trending or catchy, while I was learning. I was actually given so much static, for many years, about living an Amish lifestyle. The strange part now, is that so many that gave me grief, are now trying to understand what I spent 25 years talking about. Now, my preps are a lot less, because my household is much smaller. I don't have to stress over keeping a years food supply for 8-10 people. Now there are just 3. I no longer have to have such a strict diet to control allergies, likes and sensitivities for so many people. Even those still here, can all have the stuff I make and use. I no longer have toys, school projects or multiple baked goods ready to bake; most of that stuff is no longer valid. There's still schooling, but a lot is online, and the remaining is divided between between self learning and a handful of hours each week to actually teach. The gardens are a fraction of the size. The pantry no longer needs 2 rooms, just a single shelving unit. The toys no longer litter the floors, and there's no longer loud and boisterous dinner table conversations. There is a lot of quiet, and a lot of alone time with no conversations. 

 

I remember thinking that 50 was old. Now that I'm 50, I don't really feel old. I actually feel a bit lost. I'm to that empty nest stage. I still have one at home, but she is 16 and really is independent. I guess I should consider my time raising kids as a success, since both kids seem to be independent and capable young people. That success doesn't feel great at the moment. It feels pretty lonely. This kind of circles back to an earlier thought, how do you meet people that are like minded? Some days, I'd love to have someone to just drink coffee and visit with. The hard part is that I am not the same person I was even 5 years ago. A lot has changed, and my interests don't match with most people. 

 

 I am going to push myself for a while this afternoon and attempt to accomplish something. Even some menial tasks, just to try to stay out of my own head.

Coffee and Conversation

 

It's incredible to me that we are a third of the way through July already! It has been a tough few weeks and my entire attitude is teetering on the edge of a melt down. So, I'm going to write through these roller coaster of thoughts so I can hopefully keep moving forward as I have worked hard each day, to do. 

Let's start with the foundation of my thinking. The world, as much as myself and many others have tried to make it, is not just black and white. What I mean, is that there is more than one way to live, behave and exist. While I am a firm believer in being on Earth to help others when you can but do your best not to hurt...that, too, is a gray area. My view of right, wrong, and appropriate, may be completely different from that of someone who is doing their own thing and being productive in their own lives. I see this nearly everyday, in my own life but also in how people speak to each other. While you all know, I believe in researching and questioning everything! I practice what I preach. I also believe that people have forgotten how to use/communicate with proper language verbiage. I have gotten quite a laugh out of the "pronoun" phase. People can figure out pronouns, but not proper grammar, proper terminology, or how to communicate beyond slurs/slang. I've heard so much negativity about physical appearances, and while I do have my own opinion, I try not to judge based solely on that. I have met some of the best people that are covering in tattoos, piercings and wild colored hair...and some that appear to be proper...are the most hypocritical I have ever met. So, I work hard to not judge, but we are all guilty of this. Eventually, my opinion is based on merit/character and for that I am happy to keep a more open mind. After so many of decades of research, I find myself at that judgy spot on a lot. I attempt to use proper grammar, because the lack of it being used, really irritates me. I grew up with terms like retard, stupid, idiot, numbskull, and meathead. The weird thing to me, is that somewhere along the way, the term retard began being directed at the disabled. That was never a term for disabled in my world. I guess I am the weird one, because retard to me, always meant someone that had no disability but was really not smart. It's just like the word ignorant. The actual definition of ignorant, is not knowing. Again, it's a lack of knowledge that has led to so much hostility today, I believe. In a world with every opportunity to gather knowledge, information and facts...society has become less smart. 

Carrying forward from the last thought, technology has become a serious point of contention for me. I use it, and depend on it...BUT I hate it! I get so sick of hearing I'll text, message, email, etc. No, how about you call me, stop to visit with me, schedule a time to meet, or something of the sort. Technology is not dependable and it has proven time and time again, to be the cause of MANY misunderstandings! Humans were meant to interact. We have to experience body language, facial expressions, and tones. ALL of that is lost in technology. Even though I love my time away from groups of people, when I go too long, my own communication abilities take a hit. Thus we have keyboard warriors that have zero accountability. 

One of the hardest lessons I am personally facing, is the "empty nest" thing. We bring our children into the world, and they need us for everything for just a few years. We look forward to them reaching their independent milestones; walking, talking, having friends, etc. We slowly adjust to them spreading their wings a bit, and then BOOM! All of a sudden, they are gone. As I was reminded recently, we have to cheer for their independence because that means we have successfully raised these precious babies of ours. That is a success that doesn't feel as such, as I am adjusting to my "babies" being adults/young adults. I devoted my entire life to these babies for nearly 25 years, and now what?! My oldest is married, has his own home/farm, and life. I rarely see them anymore. I don't get to share in their successes or be there in their failures. He and I basically, grew up together. My youngest is a force, all on her own. Independent, fierce, opinionated, open minded to a fault, and beautiful beyond appearance. While not quite an "adult," it's so close I already am feeling the loss. Now, I keep asking, "what am I supposed to do now?" My hopes and dreams have already left; and I am not sure what or how to go forward. It's a daily struggle. I see so many former classmates/friends that have grown children, they are doing incredible things or spending time with their adult kids and/or grandkids. Many of them never gave up their careers, or their interests. I did. I dropped everything and everyone, to focus solely on my kids....that's what I thought was the right thing to do. I even put my relationship behind my kids. Now, trying to find a common ground, feels unreachable. It's a really big challenge that I am not navigating very well. 

The one interest that I have kept dear to my heart, is helping veterans. It took a giant leap of faith, and a 2 year move off our farm, to find this passion. Since then, it has been a very big part of my life. With a few road bumps along the way, I have had the honor of meeting hundreds of incredible veterans over the past 8 years. I have been blessed to hear so many of their stories along the way, and the hunt we host every year has been a highlight to each of the almost 7 years, so far. I've been welcomed into a local veteran group, so warmly, they feel like an extension of my own family. I put out a request at the last meeting to one of the Veteran Service Officers, to see if they could come across any updated training since I have done some work with veterans that manage PTSD. Just a few days later, I had an email with my first course. So, I am jumping into updating some training on PTSD/TBI, and caregiving through the VA. This year, we have 10 disabled veterans attending our hunt. Some of the veterans are returning and few are coming for the first time. I try to prepare for any issue that may come up. Not because I don't want them, but because I care about those that are coming and I want them to know they are going to be able to relax and enjoy their weekend...not stress. Sometimes, it just takes a willing ear and willing person to talk through the demons they are battling in silence. When I hear the statistics of veteran suicide and homelessness, it breaks my heart. As with so much of my life, I want to help. 

 

 Today, I just want to be a reminder. We don't know what all other people are dealing with, please just be kind. Sometimes those that seem to be angriest and most awful people, are the ones that need the best version of you. You may be the only one to be kind to them today.