A little morning chatter

 

Good morning! I thought this might be the best way to work through some thoughts, so I hope you'll indulge me in my chatter. What better expression than a couple of hens, especially since I am currently surrounded by hens and my pet rooster. 

Turning 50 was not a big deal to me, although it was in a sense. To me age is just a number. The big deal has been about 10 years of a battle within my head, of expectations I had for this stage of my life. There are so many memes that I can relate to anymore! "it's a good thing thought bubbles don't appear over my head," "I may not say a lot, but my face has subtitles." So many times, if anyone paid attention to my facial expressions...they would know exactly what I was thinking and likely NOT saying! I grew up "checking the boxes." Get good grades, graduate, get a degree, get married, have children, buy a house, yada, yada. Well, I can check all those boxes but the areas that challenge me know, are the ones I didn't. I have a degree that is completely useless since choosing to be a Mom, instead of juggling a career and motherhood has had me out of the job field for over 20 years. Any skills I had with that degree, are outdated. I can care for kids, run a household and farm, juggle 15 activities but know just enough technology to do bare minimum. I raised my kids to be productive members of society, to work hard, to put our family first, and be of good character. All so our family unit would stay attached in a world that is doing everything possible to destroy the family unit. Well, a lot of good that does, when society, technology and some with less character invade that inner circle. It's really difficult knowing you gave everything. So, now that my youngest is a young adult, I am asking what now?! I love the time with my kids, and honestly...that was better than any career could ever be! 

Having conversations with my husband lately has also revealed so pretty big divides. While I do believe difference help balance a relationship, it's a challenge to find middle ground with 2 very stubborn people. A lot of personalities for both of us, have been shaped by our upbringing and our experiences. My husband tends to be more hard lined, brutally blunt, and unforgiving. Once someone crosses him, he's done with them. I am just the opposite(mostly). I attempt to be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding. I will bite my tongue and tolerate a lot before I pull the plug. While there are some areas I wish I could be as cold and calloused as he can be, I'm just not. I give too many chances, and will get angry because someone/something has hurt me instead of showing the hurt. My daughter is constantly reminding me that "not everyone is like you mom." Even knowing this, doesn't help. 

It took me a lot of years to realize that my own expectations of others, caused a lot of hurt to myself. I expected people to pay attention to what I said, or know how to behave and that just was not the case. When you constantly have to repeat your thoughts, wishes, or your needs; and they are serially ignored, disrespected or not heard...you lose hope. Having to repeat yourself, makes you withdraw little by little until you no longer depend on anyone. This scenario is one I've gone through, in many areas, for about 10 years now. I've found myself withdrawing from area by area. Now, I am more quiet than not, and I don't feel the need to argue. The last few years have really been tough for someone who was once an outgoing person, for someone who always looked for the good in people, and maintained a thread of hope in the eye of a lot of negativity. The one thing I continually remind myself is that I am not a mean person, and I refuse to become so cold and uncaring that I withdraw even further than where I've been. 

I have decided to change some focus lately. I scaled back my vegetable garden, I am going to work on the landscaping to make it look the way I want it to - even though it's looking rough, I am going to build a few things this summer and see if that is still something I can enjoy, I'm growing some extra herbs and going to try my hand at that - it's never gone well before, and most importantly, I am giving myself some grace is areas that I am not doing well in. You see, getting constant negativity and degradation has not made me perfect, and while I have no desire to be perfect, I can learn to accept and respect myself. Sadly, this is an area that is lacking in education and has been for decades. While doing better for ourselves is a great goal, being happy with who we are in the moment should be applauded too. 

So, there you have it. My morning chatter. Now, I suppose I will go accomplish something productive. 

Be happy in who you are today, while you strive to be better tomorrow!

Coffee and Conversation

 

The end of April. It has started out kind of rainy, cloudy and 48 degrees. We've been as high as 89 and as low as 24 this month. April has been a roller coaster. Since my home has become emptier, the need to plant a huge garden has become needless I will always have a garden, but I did down size significantly this year. Instead of nearly a quarter acre, it's down to just 2 - 4' by 48' and 1 - 18" by 48' rows. It seems so small. Yet, I have most of what I wanted and needed planted. I have one row framed in and hope to do the same with the other 2 eventually. I do like the idea of only having to weed a few areas this year. I spaced the rows to allow my mower to get in between. I wanted to be able to turn the unused areas back to grass. My husband found me so used babcat tracks to put out that I can use for a "raised bed." There are 2 of them, one will be for my mint and the other for flowers. Our dear neighbors gave me 2 old John Deere planter boxes that will become actual raised beds. They also offered me an elderberry bush that is growing out the side of their barn. I really want to get some trees to plant around the property, but I am wanted to see what the decisions are this year to decide whether I will invest there or not. There are a lot of decisions to make, and so many projects are hinged on those decisions. 

So, let's jump into my garden for a bit. We went to a new nursery this year to find plants. Last year nearly every plant package I bought, was mislabeled. There might have been 1 of the plants in a 4 pack, but the other 3 were different...sometimes it was actually 3 different plants. I was not impressed. Since last year, I bought plants at 2 different places and had the same results...this year, I went to a new location. All their tomato plants were sold in 2 packs, we got 10 of those 2 packs with 4 different types of tomatoes. Their bell pepper plants were sold in 4 packs. I got 4 of the red/green, a yellow and an orange. I got a 2 pack of jalapenos, a 2 pack of something that is suppose to be a sweet/hot combination too. I got all my herbs from the same place - oregano, rosemary, thyme, sage, basil and cilantro. I got my brussel sprouts and broccoli at our local Mennonite store. I also got some new green bean seeds to see if they will grow, since I've had 3 years of them not growing well. I got some potatoes, corn, beets, and onions in also. My husband tilled up the rows for me, and we added some manure from the sheep compost pile. My daughter and I worked together to plant everything. For years, the garden was my thing. That was my solace when I was stressed. The last few years, I've tried to share the knowledge with my kids. It went from gardening for necessity to gardening for a purpose. I want my children to know how to grow their own food and where it comes from. 

This leads to some of our home school lessons. Learning about recipes, measurements, spice combinations, what each of the spices benefit our health, meal planning, and even the clean up and organization of a kitchen/pantry/freezer. It's been an experience seeing and teaching my kids. Each one has their own learning method and style. Each has had their challenges as we learned and grew together. One of the biggest teachers has been real life experiences. Allowing them to learn through the experience of life, real world challenges and problem solving with actual repercussions/rewards. That is difficult for a mom. We want to protect our kids, yet sometimes the best lessons are the ones they learn the hard way. That does not mean, we don't sit back worrying or spend more time praying; God knows I pray for my kids - sometimes several times a day. Unlike my generation that grew up, basically by the time we were 12, and had chores and responsibilities...each generation tries to make the next a little easier. Sadly, by doing this, we create a generation that doesn't value the hardships, lessons or learning experiences. I once believed that if a child raised correctly, they would turn into a good person. Thus, if a child wasn't they wouldn't. I've learned that we can raise our children to the best of our ability, but many times they are influenced by others - even as adults, and they lose their way. We just have to keep praying they find a place to turn around and get back on a good path. Many times, those influencers haven't had a good upbringing or they are rebelling, or they are just not of good character. The worst ones, are the ones that want others to like them so much or they have ulterior motives. Whether it is trying to keep peace, trying to separate a family unit, or avoiding giving an opinion. I've always believed that our children should be told the truth; especially on matters that are important. I remember emails with my son's mother-in-law, who was concerned with their maturity and readiness to get married. I told her, "we may not agree with their choices, but we have to trust that we raised the kids to do the right thing." Sometimes, taking your own advise is a tough pill to swallow. Especially when you want nothing more that to keep them close to you, as you watch everyone trying to pull them away.

I can remember, when I was growing up, there were things that were just taboo to talk about - politics, religion, how you voted, and especially sex. When I was a kid, kids were not meant to be heard. You didn't get to voice your opinion without serious repercussions. Now, absolutely everything is open to discussion. Most things, I am ok discussing...but there are some things that need to remain in the mental health field; and there are some that need serious counseling.  I still believe children should be allowed to be children for as long as possible. Introducing adult topics to our young people is a form of abuse. 

Now that I am 50 and my home is becoming an empty nest, really quickly...my heart aches, and my brain is in panic mode. I keep coming back to the question, what now? I have devoted nearly 25 years to being a mom and I don't know how to juggle this feeling. I still have a year and a half to teach my youngest...but 16 years has already flown by. I have a degree, but all those skills are outdated. I haven't worked outside home really, since my kids were very little. The things I love doing are not income producing. I don't know what I'd want to do, so I can't update skills for a specific career. I have no interest in returning to schooling, when it would be learning things I have not used in 50 years...and has more to do with sexuality/pronouns/and being politically correct, than actually learning a new skill. I hate traveling, sitting in an office sounds suffocating, being tied to anything for more than a few hours each day would drown my soul. I haven't focused on things that interested me for decades now. I don't even know where to start! 

My volunteer work focuses on some of what is important to me. Almost all of it, works with veterans. That is where my passion lies. Doing what I can to help those that served. From our disabled veteran hunt to the monthly veteran coffee meetings; and the year round events - meals for veterans day, Christmas gifts for veterans in homes, veteran appreciation meal, etc. these are meaningful moments to me. I am gearing up to start raising funds for these events next month. 

Since my brain has been really chaotic the last several weeks, I have tried to reign it in with more prayer, meditation and writing in my journal. When there are thousands of thoughts spiraling through your brain at any given moment, it's difficult to focus. I have written a master project list, with things I know need done or I want done. As I made mention earlier, there are several decisions that need to be made and then followed through with. I am someone that has to have a plan...even if that involves a back up plan with every letter of the alphabet. I do not do well with a "fly by the seat of your pants," attitude. Many of my plans are in place a year out. So, throwing something at me a week or even a few months before, pretty much means I won't be involved. I have to have details on things. I tend to be a detail person. If you tell me there is an event; I need day, time, whose involved, what my role is, and what other events are involved.

So, as I move on to my day...I am closing the month with a thought and prayer. I am ready for warmer temps and more sunshine. I'm ready for hours outdoors and flip flops. I'm ready for a new month.