Coffee and Conversation

 

Well, as I finish my coffee and work on the mountain of laundry, I thought I'd write. I have kind of been feeling like those hamsters on a wheel look....constantly chasing something, but never getting anywhere! For every project I finish, there are 47 more added or my hubby adds some of his, and now that there are pretty much just the two of us managing everything...his projects are now mine too. There are so many bumps in my road anymore, I'm never sure what needs to be addressed first. Each bump, feeds into the million other little bumps. 

One thing that has really played a big role in this hamster wheel, has been the changing of parental role. I spent so many years as "just a Mom." It has been the biggest, most rewarding but also the most heartbreaking career. We raise our kids to be independent, to build lives and relationships; but we don't expect they will exclude you. It's a challenging adjustment to no longer need a big dining room table, since there are just 3 of us now. We rarely have anymore than that. Now, I am looking to down size that. No point in a huge table anymore. You do everything possible for your kids, and in my case(as many others too), that included learning alternative health practices after severe allergies nearly killed my youngest. You welcome people into your life and your home, they become chosen family, only to disappear too. I've had to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, sometimes they need to see how the world truly is, but pray that someday they will actually appreciate all I tried to do for them. I'm not perfect, but my love for my kids will never waiver, it is unconditional. Even when my heart breaks! 

It's such a strange place to be. Being a Mom, was always so important to me, and that will never change. Once you get to the place I am in now, you end up feeling lost. It's like, "ok, I did the best I could raising my children, but I let my relationship with my hubby slip while being a Mom first and I completely lost or the knowledge I had is obsolete, and I have no idea who I am as a person anymore." I still have a young adult to finish raising, but I'm trying to find my way and keep up with my parents, and I still worry about my adult kids, and we still have our farm, my gardening has become my thinking time. I race from one project to another, still battle to keep my house clean even with fewer people, and getting back into the social thing...that is almost overwhelming since I have nothing in common with most. Economically, I am don't know how to not shoe string budget. Even though we don't need to be as conservative...I don't want to be stupid financially...it has taken us so many years to get where we are. I've thought about trying to find something part time to get back into the world...but I can't bring myself to work in retail or food again, there is too much drama and physically, I am not yet back to being fully healthy. Not to mention, still working around home school, my veteran activities, and our farm. Throwing one more thing in, feels like more stress! Of which, I need to lose some! I have begun updating training on PTSD and TBI management. This is an area that helps with the veterans I care so deeply about. 

It's so funny to come across memories, as I am deep cleaning and sorting. A list from high school of career options really had me thinking. The list was one I had done in a class, with a teacher I loved. It was based off of the education I was getting at the time, and possible directions I could take. The list included: Architect, Marine Biology, Constitutional law, and Ecology. Quite a list, huh?! It's hard to believe I thought I was smart enough to do those things. I truly loved every class regarding those subjects. I still love them today. I had about every class possible, that was offered, on each of them too. One area, that I have preached to my kids about - and they are not hearing me, is how much outside influence truly affects who you become. I can not say I have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason, BUT influences changed my trajectory in life and some damaged what I could have done. When we are young, we think we know everything about everything. I believe it's a right of passage into adulthood. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." If you let others limit you, let others words/behaviors become your words/behaviors, or allow yourself to be drug into situations not meant for you; you become so much less than you are capable. Then you spend a lifetime searching for something, but nothing truly fits. You lose the value of your loved ones while maintaining the cost of that influence. I had BIG goals when I graduated high school. The last goal written down from back then: be a street dancer at Disney while attending college for Architecture - let the income pay for college. Specialize in residential architecture with what would now be considered living roofs, energy efficiency. I still physically draw residential floor plans all the time. I still love the living roofs, earth berm homes, using nature for energy efficiency and minimizing wasted square footage. Now at 50 years old, I don't believe I would have mental capacity to go back, so I just draw and add to my floor plan folder all the time. I don't have the energy or hundreds of thousands of dollars to even want to go back. 

Going through those memories were intriguing, funny, sad and empowering. I have experienced a lot in my life. I have dealt with the worst of them, basically alone. It taught me some hard lessons, gave me some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I have learned a lot of strength too. Being a strong person though, can bring a whole new level of issue too. When you are strong, no one worries about you and usually no one takes the time to try to get past the walls that were built. You become almost too independent, so asking or receiving helping brings guilt to deal with. You don't want to burden others, so you live in fight or flight mode continuously. Then you become exhausted, and it's not something that rest or even a "few days off" can fix. You end up in that hamster wheel constantly chasing the feeling of adequacy, feeling like you are doing something that is making a good difference, or living with feeling like you are never enough. Some of those memories brought me a smile, a laugh, or took me back to the moment a photo was taken. Several letters from my paternal grandmother, some were sharing valuable advice and one that made me sad. Several photos of a time when I felt my best, some while I traveled, so many photos of my grandparents and great grandparents, so many of my kids and husband when the kids were little, and even a few that were clipped out of a magazine/newspaper to add to my vision board. It's funny that my dream home from the late 90's was situated on a farm with a beautiful home, horses and livestock. 

There is so much I could add in this reflective post, but I think the biggest take away....don't regret, because you make choices, in the moment that you want to make, with the knowledge you have. You can change your outcome, but it takes choice and work. Take those pictures, make sure you are in a lot too, because one day...that's the memories your loved ones will have. None of us are perfect or flawless, so be kind, don't judge people by what you see...you don't know the whole story. Find a career that you love and can make income from. If you are lucky, you will spend decades enjoying that career. Don't waste valuable time with your parents and grandparents, they only get to be part of our lives for short period, and you will miss them terribly when they are gone!!! Work hard, but never get so wrapped up in making money that you forget actually live too. There are no material possessions that are worth having to work your life away for. Avoid spending so much that you can't afford time off to enjoy what you have. Be very careful of those you allow in your lives. The influence others have on your life, may seem small, until it isn't, and you've lost true friends/loved ones, while going with the masses. Always do your best to try to see both sides to a story, from experience, there are usually 3 or more sides to EVERY story. Don't allow the world, situations, people or circumstance to dictate how you live. Every single one of us has our own paths to follow. There will be some that walk with you for a lot of years, some just a few, and others just days. Every person we encounter is either meant to be a blessing or a lesson. 

Welcome July. I pray this month brings everyone good health, safety, and blessings of abundance. 

God Bless!

 

 

More than a feeling

 

 I'VE GOT A FEELING...

 

 

As someone who literally feels energy, all the time, it gets really dark sometimes. I know when I have tried to explain this to some, they look at you like you have a third eye growing out of your forehead. I've come to understand this energy, as I have gotten older, and is something I have experienced since I was child. Even then, people would claim you were weird or making stuff up. What I feel, is very real and very exhausting. The best way I can describe it: imagine you are a sponge, and you are constantly in water. You remain in a continuous state of over absorption. You know when you pick up a sopping wet sponge how it's heavy, and much weaker than a dry one? Yeah, that is what it's like when you feel the energy of others. It doesn't matter who it is, family, friends, or complete strangers. So, going anywhere requires preparation to deal with that. When you don't, you end up at home feeling like that wet sponge and completely exhausted. You literally feel peoples emotions and even their "vibe/aura." With a little education, you are able to see through facades, and past their outward expressions. You know who's full of crap, when you are being lied to, when someone is genuinely happy or real. It's been one of the hardest experiences I've had to learn to manage. 

I find peace and can maintain stability in my own space, so I do have gatherings here. My home and our farm is my grounding point. It has taken me a lot of years to understand and be able to manage this crazy experience. It can truly be a blessing and a curse. I have kind of laughed at the phrase, "I hear what your saying but I feel what you're not saying." I pay attention to details, big AND small. I make an effort until I no longer see the same return efforts. When you make my life more difficult, repeatedly, I am done. I juggle a lot everyday, and when you cause me more stress than the joy you add to my life, I am done. I have spent decades now managing my temper. For a few years, it got out-of-control. While I go a long way to avoid conflict and losing my temper, it's not gone...it's just under control - TO A POINT. It has taken a long time to acknowledge the difference between anger and hurt. Many times I've gotten angry, and when I step back...I can recognize that it isn't anger at all, but instead is actually hurt. You see, I have spent years working to better myself. Honestly, I work at this everyday. I am no where near perfect, so there is always work to do. I have had to accept things and even people, for who and what they are. The one big lesson I've gotten to this point...people are quick to point out your flaws, because they are avoiding their own. That was a hard one to learn. We all have had people in our lives that we wanted to be around, then they show out and prove their value in your life is a lot different than you thought it would be. 

Sometimes, I think life would be so much easier if I could live with my head in the sand, didn't experience the emotions, and could just keep so busy that I could look past my own stuff to have the energy to criticize others. Then I am reminded that I would then be like everyone else. I am not meant to be like everyone else, none of us are. We are meant to be individuals, critical think, pay attention to details and if believe in the religious teachings...we are meant to help others, not tear them down. I will never claim to know crap about religion, because I believe we are not being taught right. However, as I have dove off into spirituality, I have had doors open into the teachings of ancient times. Long before ALL organized religions. This subject always ruffles feathers, my own included, because every religion believes it's the correct teaching. Honestly, to each their own. I will never try to convince anyone otherwise, but I know what I know, and no one will convince me either. The biggest thing that upsets me though, is the hypocrisy. For those that have studied the Bible, it says that the Disciples were chosen but none of them were of proper societal norms. There was alcohol, incest, etc. Yet we see religion today turning its back on certain people in society. Don't get me wrong, I have an issue with some myself, but I live by "you be good to me and I will be good to you." The Bible preaches to honor thy mother & father, love thy neighbor and help those in need. Yet, divorce is now more common than a single family unit, certain groups of people are ostracized for their beliefs, neighbors are rarely helping to keep their communities strong, and people are quick to gossip but not willing to step up to help when it's needed. We have accepted the evil that programs our minds through the television; without even thinking twice. This is where politics and religion merge. 

Since the late 1800's, some of the riches and most influential people in the world have thrown a monkey wrench in everything.They decided to regulate the value of our money. They decided that controlling the money and the money supply, charging productive citizens for their efforts, centralizing that money/taxes into a non-governmental entity(central bank) that had no oversight or elected officials, and the bribery(lobbying)of politicians would be acceptable. What so many fail to understand, none of this was ever legally ratified by Congress, and those taxes that they claim are voluntary - are paid to that central bank that has used birth certificates, marriage licenses to create bonds that they bought and sold to make more money - OFF YOUR BACKS. That is the very elementary definition of slavery. They bought the education system, the healthcare system, and they buy the politicians to keep this slavery in place. The saddest part, to me, is we have all allowed this to happen by not educating ourselves, and demanding accountability.  We have allowed so many false idols(a religious teaching) to maintain their course. Just as God said, false idols will lead you astray. Even the teachings of Jesus, stated not to idolize him, but only his father. So, to be true to that teaching, idolizing Jesus is wrong. 

 

I won't dive off into major history lessons, because I've been told too many times, that no one wants to hear it. What I will dive into, briefly, is family. This is a major subject for me. Both my husband and I grew up in divorce households. I truly hate divorce. It divides the family unit, it opens it up to so many complications. I know just having to manage time between parents, struggling with loyalties, and adding additional beliefs to the mix; made for a very long and disruptive children. One I swore I would do everything possible to avoid, if/when I ever had children. So far, I've managed to keep a single household. It has not been without major trials, major arguments and a lot of eye rolls.  I have raised my children with the belief that family is everything, but there have been some serious disruptions that I blame on outside influences. One of the biggest lessons I have learned with kids - we can raise them correctly, with the values we have, but sometimes they will lose their way. It's at that point, we spend a lot of time praying that they will be guided back. They are inundated with so many opinions as adults, and the world today does not want strong family units. They want families divided, they want people so busy and so enthralled with the world that they have no time to look closer to home. They was society driven by greed, excess and instant gratifications. Sadly, it's all hidden in plain sight. Even more sad, people are so engrossed in the bread and circus, they can't even see it. We rush around going here and there, wanting the newest technology, living in debt, and thinking of ourselves first. We miss time with our families chasing the almighty dollar to buy more stuff we don't need. Too many use excuses to put their loved ones into homes, instead of taking care of them as they took care of you. Then there are tears at loss of those loved ones, by those having to live with the regrets. 

I will never be perfect, but I will stand by my values until my dying day. Family is everything, I will do my best to honor my father and mother, if I have any choice - my parents will never be in a nursing home, my kids will always take precedence over everything possible, and those I love - I will do my best to show I love you! There are times my personal development goes pretty deep and can be overwhelming, but I trust that God is leading me. I may refer to God or the Universe...I believe there is a higher power, no matter what word you use to describe it. I don't need a religion to know God, to know doing the best I can and help as much as possible, is the right path. I just keep praying for guidance, to be lifted when I struggle to stand, and to watch over/keep an arm around my family and I. 

Today's prayer: God, I know the balance on Earth is quite wobbly and there are questionable morals being broadcast. Today I ask that you help the world to see your honest teachings. I ask that you help to heal the family units, and bring them back to center. I ask that you wrap your arms around my family to help guide, protect and keep us healthy. Watch over our loved ones both living and passed, and help them to feel loved and guided. I pray you stay with them in whatever struggles they may be facing. I ask you to guide and protect those in our elected offices and our military, and be the strength of our veterans in their daily struggles. I pray you bring our communities back to center and help them to see they are stronger together. Today, I pray for your love to blanket Earth through eternity. Amen!