If I don't grow, how can I expect others to grow?

This has been such a powerful statement for me. I have always put others feelings, thoughts and well being above my own. From my family, to my husband and on to my kids. In the shuffle of life, I am realizing that I can not be the best person I can be, without growing.

Let me give you a little bit of a "back story." After my husband and I married in 1999, I focused solely on the "type" of person I thought he needed. I grew up in a town...not in the country. I knew you went to the grocery store to purchase food. I knew it was grown on farms...but not much more than that. So, I zeroed in on his way of life, and worked on changing me - to please him. Now, he did not ask me to, but I felt I needed to. I had never shot a gun, never been hunting, never grown a garden of my own, let alone processed that garden to have food for Winter (canning). So, I dove in....having not a clue of what task I was taking on. Needless to say, I learned and complained and honestly didn't like much of what I was doing. Then a year and half later, our son was born. Again, I transformed myself. I went into the "perfect Mom," theory. Everything a first time Mom thinks is acceptable. Let me tell you.....I had a LOT to learn! My relationship was in shambles, I was miserable, and in turn I had a very cranky little boy. That was my first lesson as a new Mom. When I was upset, it upset my baby! I went through serious depression. I was afraid to leave the house, and went so far as to go to my doctor for medicine. Note: The depression medicine actually made things worse!

As the years wore on, life didn't get much easier. My son was a year old when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had the surgery, went through the emotional termmoil that entailed and beat it!!! However, every year I still cringe when I go for my visit. In 2003, my husband and I divorced. Although at the time, it was for other reasons, I saw that divorce as a means to an end. We still did not get along, I had no help with our son. I was depressed and had lost the person that I was....and I really liked the person I used to be. I went back to my hometown only to find out that I really didn't fit in that life style anymore. So, 2 months later I was back in Missouri and back with my husband. We were remarried in November of 2003. We decided we would work on our differences and try to make our marriage better. It was a constant roller coaster!

In 2005, I found the company I work with. AmeriplanUSA. They were a gift from God! I loved the company. I found something I could be passionate about, and something that I could not only make a living with, but something I could help others with. I am still with this amazing company today!

Now, back to current time. I have found myself increasing getting down again. I now have my son and daughter, and have adjusted to life as a country wife....and even love it! However, I find myself resenting the fact that I have lost the person I used to be. I don't have the compassion I once had, I don't venture out much, and most of my emotions are locked in a secret compartment. I don't show much emotion unless the emotions are so strong, that they can not help but come out.

So, part of our company training is personal development. Until recently, I had laughed at this. I kept thinking, "I don't need a cheerleader, or some guru telling me how to believe in something." Boy, I couldn't be more wrong. The personal development strategy isn't about a rah-rah section. It is about remembering to always make time for you... I have been fortunate to have a company that has found some of the best personal development trainers in the world.

I have spent 2 weeks now, listening to every personal development guru I can find to listen to. I am not looking for a cheerleader but someone who can inspire me to be the best "Me," possible. I have begun exercising again, I am working on some other bad habits, and even taking time everyday to laugh. Yes, of all the crazy things I've heard....Laughing is honestly one of the hardest things for me. I am a natural born worrier. So, making time daily to laugh can be a chore, but I am learning to look at things through my children's eyes.

I am growing and reinventing myself. I've heard it said that we learn step outside of ourselves when we get married, and have kids. I don't think I could explain it any better. Now, as I grow and learn and spend some time on me....I can also accept my flaws, and imperfections. I can honestly say, though, something I still can not grasp is how to stop my mood from changing when others around me are so negative or doubting. I hope this comes with time.

I hope that those who read this can relate in some sense. I can not encourage you enough to work on yourself, and continue to grow as a person. Find your passion, and go with that passion as if you have fire under your feet.
God Bless!