Although I am not completely happy with who I am yet, I am happy to be making continual progress. I have seen and experienced enough to know that everyone, and I mean everyone, is happy to criticize and find fault when you are trying to find yourself. It has taken me years to get to the point of not caring what other opinions are. It's not always easy to brush off what others say to you, even if you know it to be untrue or just cruel. Everyone has their own thoughts on how you should do things, live your life, and even how you should behave. Sometimes, opinions are thoughtful and come out of curiosity and concern, others times opinions are someones closed-minded perceptions of what they believe you should be/do. During my continued journey, I'm finding that there are many who are insecure with themselves so they project that onto everyone around them. This I believe is where the saying, "misery loves company," comes into play. We don't play into that theory.
As I get older, my kids get older, and my relationship evolves; I am finding that although we came from different backgrounds, and different geographical areas...we are a lot more alike than we are different. We have very similar beliefs, we have very similar goals in life, we have identical theories on raising our kids, and we are working very hard at our communication issues. I know everyone talks about how important communication is, but we have found that having serious, open, and blunt conversations; it helps us to grow in our relationship, helps us to understand the effects outsiders have had on us, and it even helps us with better heated discussions. : ) I can say we don't argue anymore, but it's not to say we don't have heated discussions and there are times we have to agree to disagree. We have respectful heated discussions instead of outright mean arguments, and there is a huge difference.
I still have times I miss my city life, and all the "excitement" that went with it, and some of the friends that I had that think I've completely lost my mind. However, you find out as you get older, who your real friends are. They are the ones that know you've lost your mind, but are happy to share a laugh, are happy to visit with you, they don't mind that the horses are nickering or the cow bellowing while you're talking on the phone. You may not talk to them for months, but you can still pick up conversations like you just spoke yesterday. They have accepted the life you have chosen, they may give you static about how different you are but are still supportive. They don't criticize you just because you have chosen a different path than they have, and even different than you had originally began. True friends don't care how much money you make, they don't try to compete with you or tear you down. True friends know who you are, even if you change daily. You can have many acquaintance friends, but true friends that will be there through thick and thin, aren't in large numbers. Too many "friends," want to compete and show off their knowledge or lack thereof. I have some great true friends. Although, I am finding that some of the people I thought were true friends have turned out to be strictly fair-weathered friends.
I have days when I can accept whatever challenge comes my way and then there are days when a single challenge is all it takes to break my spirit. I have days when I just can't deal with anyone else's drama and I don't want to deal with my own either. Most of the time I brush off drama and lack of common sense, and then there are times I'd love to reach out and "high five someones face!" I am not perfect, nor is anyone else. Despite their own arrogant thinking, just because someone has a different way of thinking, it does not make them any less content with their discussions.
As a family, we do a lot of unique thinking. We talk openly with our kids about finances (even though the youngest doesn't care at 3!), we discuss our goals as a family and for our farm, we talk about growing as individuals and as a family, we encourage the kids to question whatever they feel they need to, and we believe that how we live our lives is the best way for us. We get questioned about this on a regular basis, we are criticized regularly, we are constantly expected to explain our thinking and on the rare occasion that someone gives us a compliment...we kind of celebrate that someone actually understands what and how we are trying to live.
The days that I miss my life prior to be married are very few, but the days I count my blessings for the life I live now are beginning to increase. There is always work to do when it comes to relationships and raising kids. However, for me as an individual, I am glad to have learned so much, proud of the person I am working toward, and proud that I can raise 2 amazing kids with so much personality and individualism. I love knowing when I go outside, I can enjoy the chickens as they scamper through the yard looking for worms and bugs, the cow's bellow everyday is a welcoming sound, and getting out with the horses and taking off on horseback to spend some quiet time and some peace building time is amazing. Letting a horse eat feed out of your hand is such a peaceful time. Even the cow headbutting/ nuzzling against you is an unimaginable feeling. Having my gardens is my "therapy." I can get into nature, play in the dirt, have time to finish a thought, pray, or to just be. When I wake up every morning, I hear birds singing, the cow bellowing, the stomp of feet coming in for water, and I don't hear tons of traffic, people bickering, or the blare of horns. We don't rush around for schedules that are decided for us. Our day begins whenever we wake up, we eat when we are hungry not when we are told we can, we can take field trips during times that everyone else is at school/work, and even though R works a regular job....many of our activities are flexible as is his schedule. We enjoy our 3 hour actual school days, with 2-3 hours of "fun school work." Whether it's learning about plants/trees in our yard, reading, watching some kind of movie, learning about cooking/baking, our oldest learning from his grandparents/great-grandparents, talking to people with different cultures, visiting with other farm friends, or whatever we happen to be doing on any given day. We enjoy the freedoms to customize our days to fit what we need and want as opposed to having others tell us how we are going to spend our days.
Yes, as many have told us, our views/morals/thoughts are antiquated from the views of current acceptance...we are happy with the overall way our lives are going. We are overall happy, healthy and progressing with or without the support of others.
As a person, I am working toward bettering myself everyday. Every time I reach a cross road in my life, I ask myself where I want to go. Whether I choose the path that has been traveled many times or the path that is overgrown...I choose the path that fits with where I want to go. It is based on our goals/values that we have made to fit our family.
I hope that someday everyone will be as comfortable with themselves and their decisions as I have become with mine. As Robert Frost said in his poem, " I , I chose the road less traveled."
Robert Frost - The road less taken-
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
~Salli~
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