Christmas has filled our home!

It's Christmas time in our home. Well, at least the decorations are going up. The tree has been up for about 3 weeks, the indoor decor is increasing everyday, and some of the outdoor lights went up this past weekend. This is my favorite time of year.

There's so much I love about Winter. The beautiful lights that luminate the night, the bold reds & greens of decorations, the change in spirit of most people, and even the blankets of snow that usually find us in December. People seem to find a little more patience, and a lot more generosity during this time of year. You see the Salvation Army Santa ringing a bell outside many stores, and like me as a kid, you see all the kids anxious to put some change in the bucket. The Christmas music is playing in stores and on the radio. For me, I always end up getting one of my favorite flowers, the Poinsettia. Yes, I am a sap when it comes to Christmas. I look forward to spreading my own Christmas cheer to anyone I meet. I look for ways to help my children understand the true meaning of giving. We donate to our local food pantry, we purchase hats & gloves and donate good coats, we try to purchase at least 2 angel tree gifts every year. We have offered to donate our time to help boxing the food pantry's food, and try to make sure we help as much as possible.

In our area, there are a few second hand clothes stores, but every one of them charges what I see as too much for families that are struggling. I have spent the last few years wanting to open up a store that offers clothing to people really cheap or free. Take in donations from the surrounding areas, and put $1 or less on everything. If families don't have the money for the items they need...it's free! I would love to give this to our local communities, and that will be a project I will be working on in the coming year.

As we began the holiday thinking early this year, we looked at what is being called the 4 gift rule. The rule was basically, 4 gifts - one from each category: want, need, wear, and read. Although we typically do close to this and have for many years, I thought 4 gifts, that's easy enough. I was wrong. This year, instead we put a very minimal amount of a dollar limit per person. This gave us a little more flexibilty. We do not buy big items at Christmas. By setting a dollar limit per person, this caused us to have to get creative. We kept the 4 gift rule categories in mind, but also had a little more room to move around as need be. Since our oldest has more expensive "toys" now, and the youngest is still really easy to buy for...we had to make descretion for that too. We also spoke to Santa this year. Many years ago, we spoke with the man in red, and told him to spend more time focusing on children that didn't have Christmas. We asked him to let us take care of our kids, so that other children could have a Merry Christmas. So, this being said, Santa usually only leaves 3-4 gifts and Mom & Dad take care of the rest.

This year, including Santa's gifts, we put a $100-$125 limit per kid. Richard and I spend $75-$100 each on gifts for the other. We also decided not to purchase gifts for extended family. We will be making a lot of cookies, bread, candy, and ornaments to give, but nothing will be purchased. For the first time in several years, our Christmas budget was cut in half. I don't believe the Christmas is about all the commercial toys, all the electronics, or even about material stuff. For our family, Christmas is about family, friends, and helping those who have less than we do.

My kids know they will not be getting the latest and greatest new video game system, or the new computer or electronics that is going to be outdated before leaving the store, they also know that most of what is advertised on television is junk. I spend so much time with my kids that I know their personality. Although this year was very difficult to buy for the oldest, once I reset my mindset, I just had to remember his personality. I had to remind myself that he isn't all that much different from me.

So, although we did not stay with the 4 gift rule, we did stay minimal. Each of the kids has 4 gifts from Santa, and 6 from us. They always get a small gift in their stockings, and this is what my kids know. Do they go without, not hardly! My kids have so much they could provide Toys R Us! There seems to be no logic to me when people max out their credit cards, or break the bank to give their kids so much for Christmas. I hear people talking about buying the newest video game systems, new electronics, or some new toy and I can't help but wonder why. Electronics are outdated basically before you leave the store, the video gaming systems are great if you want kids that never go outside, and most of the toys made now are so cheaply made after they've been played with a handful of times...they are trash! My kids still get excited over new clothes, books, and things that help with their hobbies. Both my kids have learned to shoot guns; mind you the youngest is only 3 so she still only gets to shoot the BB gun and the 22. The oldest is 12 and this was his first year hunting. The youngest is discovering Barbie, much to our dislike, but doesn't want much just a few things to plan with while she plays with my old Barbie house. She loves Dora, horses, puzzles, and most girly stuff. Although she's the first out the door to help her Daddy with shoveling manure, driving the tractor or feeding the pigs/chickens/horses or cows. The oldest is much more difficult the last couple of years. He has gotten out of most toys, but still loves his farm toys and star wars. Now he's gotten into shooting, hunting and animals. He bought his first calf last year, and his first pig this year. He is now in search of a Bore so he can raise some piglets in the Spring. He loves the horses and cows, and is learning the farm life so much better than I would have imagined. I am very proud of the young man he is becoming. He is constantly helping his Grandma, and loves to spend time with his Great-Grandparents too. He is very independent, which proves to be a battle when it's time for school work, but we work on that a little every day.

In the year that we have lived on our farm, we have all had to learn and grow. We have learned to work together, the hard work it takes to keep everything running somewhat smoothly, and the value of dedication. We are working together to make our farm as organic as possible. We don't use chemicals, fertilizer(except natural manure), our animals are fed only natural/organic feed, and we are raising or growing most of what we eat. We have eggs and meat from the chickens, our beef from cows, pork from the pigs, and vegetables and herbs from the garden. We hope to get fruit trees put in come Spring, and a section of the pasture is going to grow for wild herbs too. We have so many goals that are still unmet, but we work hard every day to achieve them. We still have decks to build, a shed to finish, need gravel in the driveway, a wooden yard fence to build and want a good size barn to get all our stuff out of my Mother-In-Laws barn. We want to get our horses worked a little more so we can ride more. I want to get my kitchen remodeled to make it more usable for all the cooking/baking I do. We want to start having a regular gathering of neighbors to keep our rural way of life alive. Times are tough for everyone. Our rural communities haven't been affected to the extreme that many cities/towns have, but we have been affected none-the-less.

We have several dreams we have realized, while several dreams have yet to come to fruition. My husband and I were raised with morals, and very high standards. We are trying to pass those along to our children. It's more important to help family, friends, and neighbors than to compete with them. That is our family thoughts, and we hope to be an example for others.

Wishing you all a Happy Winter, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
~Salli

Unwelcome in the family

Some days, you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. Then there are days, when you are part of something, yet you still feel like an outsider and really not welcomed.

This has been an experience I have felt so often over the past month. I come from a very large family. It's very rare that we are all together unless it's for a wedding or funeral. As it was, this gathering was for the funeral of my grandfather. My little family does not go back to my hometown often, but we spent 4 days up there. It's a strange feeling being the oldest grandchild in that large family, and having to find my place once again. All my cousins are younger than I, and a few of my aunts and uncles aren't much older than me. It's still a challenge though. I have a difficult time finding common ground with a lot of younger cousins, but even though age differences between aunts and uncles are too different, I felt left out of that circle. Just as I was out of the younger generation circle. I spent some time talking with everyone while we were there. Yet, I felt out of place. I had such a tremendous amount of pride spending so much time with that side of my family. To know that we had such enormous numbers and almost every one of us was there. It was such a bag of emotions spending so much time with my family again. We have gone to a few different occassions spending a day or two around my family but we hadn't spent that much time for a long time. As it typically goes, it was a bitter sweet reunion. It took losing my grandfather for almost all of my family to gather.

I was thrilled to spend time with my own siblings. All 4 of us, all together...it was truly exilerating. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much, or felt so included. Naturally, those close feelings and the strong emotions begin to release after time. Although my pride in such a large family, and being so thankful for 3 younger siblings will never diminish, things have somewhat calmed. Once again, I am on the outside looking in and finding that my own pride in family is being tested.

As a very instinctual person, you can sense some massive issues. As typical, I am not being told what these are, but I know they are there. I am being fed pathetically little information, even though I have asked about the issues. I'm guessing my own pride in family, is my own.

Finding your own place in this world is a constant journey. I am very fortunate to have an amazing husband and 2 kids that are my world, but even knowing this, makes for such a roller coaster of emotions from extended family complications.

I am different from my extended family, I always have been. I can't tell you how or why completely. I have always felt like a black sheep of sorts, and haven't really fit in for years. I always chalked it up to being the oldest grandchild, and not being in the aunt/uncle generation. I am also not a person to think inside the box. I am willing to try new things, even if it means walking down a path that didn't exist before I started.

The last 3 trips back to my hometown area, have proven this and so much more to me. I want to say first that I am very proud of my extended family. I love them very much and only want the very best for them. I however, have never felt so unwelcome. Each of 3 trips just pushed this feeling even more to the forefront. The first trip, I chalked it up to the chaos of planning and preparing for my nephews 8th grade graduation party. It was a busy time, so I kind of brushed it off. By the 2nd trip, my whole family not only felt completely unwelcome, but spent most of the time there hungry, just as the first trip, and wishing we had stayed at home. The 3rd trip, less than 3 months later, for my grandfathers funeral, ended up the bitter sweet trip on so many levels. It was this trip, and ultimately the time since, that I have learned so much more.

When such an unexpected tragedy happens, most families will come together. They usually spend time bonding, and become close for awhile. My family hasn't been any different. It's also during this time that many true traits will show themselves. As a very intuitional person, I felt some very strong emotions that weren't affiliated with the passing of my grandfather. I also felt that my very presence was not welcome, yet again. It's hard to know you are disliked so much, and that your presence just fuels a fire that you didn't even know for sure about previously. This last trip was something that I never expected. To know that you are disliked, not welcome, and told in not so many words...your extended family is none of your business and that your concern is causing more troubles, is kind of a huge blow. I can't imagine ever making someone in my home feel this way, nor would I ever try. In my family, we believe that when someone comes to our home as a guest, they will be as comfortable as possible, and even those that we may not agree with are treated with respect. Whether it's immaturity, insecurity, or whatever the case, I would never treat people in our home the way were treated. Although our 3rd trip, we stayed with my brother and his family, we had a very welcoming place to stay...it was heart breaking to me that we could not be near the family we had hoped to be.

Since the last trip, I have tried to let it go. I have tried to accept that what ever is going on, will be revealed to me when the time is right. As someone who listens to their intuition, this is very difficult. I can feel there's a problem, I have asked both sources about the problem, and been basically told to butt-out. That's great and normally, I would. This current problem, has my intuition going nuts! I can't let it go. I have tried! I have spent the last month with a constant headache, and my stomach and nerves have been a wreck. I have spoken to my siblings and we all feel the same thing, however, they are up there...I am not. Since I am not there, I'm told to just let it go and all will work out. That's swell. But my own intuition is screaming, my dreams are telling there's a big problem, but is anyone involved saying anything...of course not! When I ask anything, I am being nosy, and a bitch. So, I am beginning to understand my place. My place is to be a free place to stay for every one else to get away from their lives, my place is to be here when everyone else needs me, but don't ask for that favor to be returned. My place is a granddaughter, daughter and sibling when it's convienent for everyone else. My place is just slightly below a mushroom.

Since, I am beginning to realize my place, I am finding it very difficult to not be angry. I have a good heart. I care about people, to some degree too much. I don't want to see anyone hurting, or upset. To my own downfall, I am a compassionate person. No matter how many times I have been hurt, mistreated or ignored; I have stayed true to myself. This may be the secret to life, it may not.

Although I am extremely hurt right now, I know that I am strong enough to carry on. I just have to accept my place and be willing to let the childish games go on with out me. I have a beautiful family of my own, a beautiful home and a good life. Even though I will have difficulty letting go of this intuition, I have to. My health is being affected by it. Since I do not hold a high enough place to get more that an occasional phone call or an annual visit from most my extended family...I know that I mean a lot to my family. I just pray that those involved in whatever the problem may be, will have some respect for some one and that they not be treated the way they have treated me.
~S~

The fog has allowed me to see more clearly.

"The fog has allowed me to see more clearly."



I look through a window, separated only by a single glass pane, but still separate. I can see the festivities and happenings taking place on the other side of that window, but can never just travel through it to join in. Always on the outside looking in, always just inches from joining the happenings. The glass is not foggy, nor does it cloak my view. It actually allows me to see clearly. I can't hear the conversations on the other side of that glass, but I can read the facial and body reactions. I can read the moving lips. I stand there longing to be on the other side of that window, joining in the conversations. Then I feel this overwhelming emotion that tells me, being on the outside of that window is showing me so much more than if I were included. So much more is seen and revealed when you aren't so close. I still have that longing to be included, but the overwhelming emotions of being outside that window not just hearing words, but seeing others reactions seems to add more meaning to the words.

Too many words are spoken to consciously register the conversations, until the window fogs over. For a brief moment the window fogs over and I am forced to consider the conversations I never heard, but saw instead. For the brief moment, the picture plays out in my mind, the conversations play out in others voices, and then their reactions are also shown to me. When all the pieces are put together, you begin analysis of each conversation. Some were sweet in words, but gently harsh is the response. Others were blatantly obvious to be harsh in words, tone, and reaction. While others yet were harsh in words, but reactions softened the words. The fog has allowed me to see more clearly.

How can this be? How can you be able to see the conversations but not hear them, see the reactions but see them at the same time?

Once again, the glass clears. All of a sudden you are within the realm of happenings. Not outside the window. All of a sudden, you aren't on the outside looking in, but on the inside. You aren't seeing the conversations anymore, because you can hear them. You aren't reading reactions and expressions, they aren't visible to you anymore. How did this happen? Why can't you realize that the only reason you were able to see the true reactions during those conversations, was simply because you were looking from a different angle. Do you feel better now, now that you are on the inside of that glass? Do you feel as sure of your own instincts on the inside of that glass, as you were just looking in?

While you were looking from the outside in, there was someone looking from the inside just dreaming to be on the outside. Wishing they could take that step through the door, and look in from the window. The have such a longing to take that step, and see things from a different angle. The hear the conversations around them, but it's just noise. It's too much to process. For them taking that step out, means taking a step into the unknown. For them the unknown is a frightening concept. It means doing something that they haven't done for such a long time. It means taking a stand for themselves and not allowing anything or anyone to stand in their way. It means taking a leap of faith. Stepping into the great unknown may mean having to completely start over. Having to have enough confidence in themselves to know that once outside that door, they can restart. That they are capable.

That's where those already on the outside can help. Those already outside that door, have already made a fresh start, and have worked to rebuild. They were once in those insiders shoes. They have experienced the longing to be inside, even though when they were inside, they weren't content. The current outsider sees what you are going through and offers the advice from the outside but you have to be willing to not only hear it, but also to see it and feel it.



Many times, we are all in this scenario. We aren't completely included into someone's life, so we are able to see situations that those closest to them can't. Especially if you are an intuitive person. Each of us has our own respect to which side of the window we may be on. Sometimes, it just takes a small glimpse from the inside to decide we are better on the outside. Many times when we are on the inside, we can't see "the forest through the trees." When you are on the outside, seeing the conversations, reactions, and emotions , it's very easy to put the pieces together. However, not so much when you are on the inside.

We all want what we aren't supposed to have. As the phrase goes, "the grass is always greener on the other side," it is true. This is human nature. The choice however, is always ours. We can choose to walk through that door at any time, we can choose to not only see conversations, but also to hear and feel them, at any time.

Sometimes looking from the outside in, can be lonely when you don't have or listen to those on the outside. However, it's only lonely if you choose to make that way. You must wait for the fog to clear, so that you can once again see clearly. Once the fog has gone, you can now see that life may look better on the other side of the fence, but more times than not, the true challenge comes from making your side of the fence look better. If it's truly not better, YOU are the only one that can change that. YOU are the only one that can decide if the grass is worth the fertilizer to fix it or if it's time to work up the ground and start over!

As we are currently in the midst of the Autumn Solstice, this is a season of hibernation to rejuvenate the sacred Mother Earth for the coming Spring Solstice. This is a time to put to rest the very things that no longer work, and prepare to welcome in the new beginnings when Mother Earth reawakens in the Spring.

I encourage you to put to rest those things that are tired and not working. Allow yourself a vision from a different perspective and know that YOU are responsible for making your own grasses greener.

Without fear,
~Sal~

Election 2012

"God Bless America, land of the free because of the brave!"



I can remember as a child, my grandparents voted in every single election. The part that stands out to me now as an adult, I can never remember them talking about whom they voted for. Quite honestly, I don't remember anyone talking about whom they would vote for until I was in high school.

One of the problems as I see it is the money spent on campaigning. Candidates for the past 20 years that I have been able to vote, have asked for donations. They have taken in unforeseen amounts of money to advertise, hold rallies, and pay for all the campaigning. While I know that some must be spent for voters to know a candidate, millions upon millions are spent to sling mud. This is millions upon millions that seriously needs to be spent on something much more important. Like the hungry and homeless in America, like our out-of-control deficit, and I could list at least a half a dozen others.

Another problem I see is the amount of time candidates spend trashing each other. It's not only disrespectful but has caused friends to never talk again, and many outrages through the years. The election this year seems to be one of the ugliest, nastiest, and most irresponsible one that I can remember. Instead of all the trash talking, how about something with a little more substance. How about telling voters who you are, what you stand for, what you are going to try to accomplish if elected, instead of what the other candidate supposedly said/did/didn't do! People living today, are very capable of doing the research on each candidate, and deciding for themselves who would be the best person to give their votes to.

Another problem as I see it is that we do not elect the vice president. Why on earth should we vote for our president, and allow that person to choose who the vice-president should be. I think we should vote for both president, and vice-president. Then, there would be a true "checks and balances" starting at the top!

I personally will not be telling anyone whom my vote will go to. I probably won't even decide until I vote. Honestly, it's no one else business either. I have my own thoughts and feelings, and yes they are usually different than most. I know what kind of standards help my family, our farm, and my business. I also know what hinders our recreations and our growth. I can see strong positives with the 3 presidential candidates this year. Yes, there are 3, and you have a choice! I will be deciding between the 3 candidates to see who will best fit to my family's needs. I am tired of the constant mud-slinging, the constant facebook posts glorifying the candidate of choice, the constant political commercials, and tired of the media. I refuse to watch television and what I need to know about the candidates, I RESEARCH! I check their records, view what they want to try to accomplish, and view their positions on issues that matter to me. I refuse to register for a specific party as I have voted, Republican, Democratic and Independent.

As we approach the final stretch of this election chaos, I urge you to get out and vote. It is a privilege, a right and an important aspect of being American and supposedly free. Remember to vote November 6th!

God Bless America!
Salli