Unwelcome in the family

Some days, you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. Then there are days, when you are part of something, yet you still feel like an outsider and really not welcomed.

This has been an experience I have felt so often over the past month. I come from a very large family. It's very rare that we are all together unless it's for a wedding or funeral. As it was, this gathering was for the funeral of my grandfather. My little family does not go back to my hometown often, but we spent 4 days up there. It's a strange feeling being the oldest grandchild in that large family, and having to find my place once again. All my cousins are younger than I, and a few of my aunts and uncles aren't much older than me. It's still a challenge though. I have a difficult time finding common ground with a lot of younger cousins, but even though age differences between aunts and uncles are too different, I felt left out of that circle. Just as I was out of the younger generation circle. I spent some time talking with everyone while we were there. Yet, I felt out of place. I had such a tremendous amount of pride spending so much time with that side of my family. To know that we had such enormous numbers and almost every one of us was there. It was such a bag of emotions spending so much time with my family again. We have gone to a few different occassions spending a day or two around my family but we hadn't spent that much time for a long time. As it typically goes, it was a bitter sweet reunion. It took losing my grandfather for almost all of my family to gather.

I was thrilled to spend time with my own siblings. All 4 of us, all together...it was truly exilerating. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much, or felt so included. Naturally, those close feelings and the strong emotions begin to release after time. Although my pride in such a large family, and being so thankful for 3 younger siblings will never diminish, things have somewhat calmed. Once again, I am on the outside looking in and finding that my own pride in family is being tested.

As a very instinctual person, you can sense some massive issues. As typical, I am not being told what these are, but I know they are there. I am being fed pathetically little information, even though I have asked about the issues. I'm guessing my own pride in family, is my own.

Finding your own place in this world is a constant journey. I am very fortunate to have an amazing husband and 2 kids that are my world, but even knowing this, makes for such a roller coaster of emotions from extended family complications.

I am different from my extended family, I always have been. I can't tell you how or why completely. I have always felt like a black sheep of sorts, and haven't really fit in for years. I always chalked it up to being the oldest grandchild, and not being in the aunt/uncle generation. I am also not a person to think inside the box. I am willing to try new things, even if it means walking down a path that didn't exist before I started.

The last 3 trips back to my hometown area, have proven this and so much more to me. I want to say first that I am very proud of my extended family. I love them very much and only want the very best for them. I however, have never felt so unwelcome. Each of 3 trips just pushed this feeling even more to the forefront. The first trip, I chalked it up to the chaos of planning and preparing for my nephews 8th grade graduation party. It was a busy time, so I kind of brushed it off. By the 2nd trip, my whole family not only felt completely unwelcome, but spent most of the time there hungry, just as the first trip, and wishing we had stayed at home. The 3rd trip, less than 3 months later, for my grandfathers funeral, ended up the bitter sweet trip on so many levels. It was this trip, and ultimately the time since, that I have learned so much more.

When such an unexpected tragedy happens, most families will come together. They usually spend time bonding, and become close for awhile. My family hasn't been any different. It's also during this time that many true traits will show themselves. As a very intuitional person, I felt some very strong emotions that weren't affiliated with the passing of my grandfather. I also felt that my very presence was not welcome, yet again. It's hard to know you are disliked so much, and that your presence just fuels a fire that you didn't even know for sure about previously. This last trip was something that I never expected. To know that you are disliked, not welcome, and told in not so many words...your extended family is none of your business and that your concern is causing more troubles, is kind of a huge blow. I can't imagine ever making someone in my home feel this way, nor would I ever try. In my family, we believe that when someone comes to our home as a guest, they will be as comfortable as possible, and even those that we may not agree with are treated with respect. Whether it's immaturity, insecurity, or whatever the case, I would never treat people in our home the way were treated. Although our 3rd trip, we stayed with my brother and his family, we had a very welcoming place to stay...it was heart breaking to me that we could not be near the family we had hoped to be.

Since the last trip, I have tried to let it go. I have tried to accept that what ever is going on, will be revealed to me when the time is right. As someone who listens to their intuition, this is very difficult. I can feel there's a problem, I have asked both sources about the problem, and been basically told to butt-out. That's great and normally, I would. This current problem, has my intuition going nuts! I can't let it go. I have tried! I have spent the last month with a constant headache, and my stomach and nerves have been a wreck. I have spoken to my siblings and we all feel the same thing, however, they are up there...I am not. Since I am not there, I'm told to just let it go and all will work out. That's swell. But my own intuition is screaming, my dreams are telling there's a big problem, but is anyone involved saying anything...of course not! When I ask anything, I am being nosy, and a bitch. So, I am beginning to understand my place. My place is to be a free place to stay for every one else to get away from their lives, my place is to be here when everyone else needs me, but don't ask for that favor to be returned. My place is a granddaughter, daughter and sibling when it's convienent for everyone else. My place is just slightly below a mushroom.

Since, I am beginning to realize my place, I am finding it very difficult to not be angry. I have a good heart. I care about people, to some degree too much. I don't want to see anyone hurting, or upset. To my own downfall, I am a compassionate person. No matter how many times I have been hurt, mistreated or ignored; I have stayed true to myself. This may be the secret to life, it may not.

Although I am extremely hurt right now, I know that I am strong enough to carry on. I just have to accept my place and be willing to let the childish games go on with out me. I have a beautiful family of my own, a beautiful home and a good life. Even though I will have difficulty letting go of this intuition, I have to. My health is being affected by it. Since I do not hold a high enough place to get more that an occasional phone call or an annual visit from most my extended family...I know that I mean a lot to my family. I just pray that those involved in whatever the problem may be, will have some respect for some one and that they not be treated the way they have treated me.
~S~