Running on "E"

Does everyone have the feeling that you are running on "E" and that your pulling into a fueling station on fumes?! Do you every feel like you are busting your ass, to get everything done you're expected to do, and your "fuel tank," suddenly sputters and your done...kaput! Your "engine" dies and without some sort of fuel, you just can't go any further?

Most of us know the general mechanics of how our vehicle engines work. You turn on the key, the dash either lights up with the electronics or the gauges register the engine functions. The only way a vehicle engine will work(unless you have an electric or hybrid vehicle) is to make sure it has fuel. While it is ideal to keep it full of fuel, sometimes...it just isn't. I'm certain that vehicles just use the fuel, but in my eyes, the top half of the tank runs much longer than the bottom half! :-) So, when you get low on fuel it is imperative to refuel. No matter what the reason, we try to push a tank of fuel as long as we can, before we refuel. Occasionally, we push it too far and we pull into a filling station, on fumes! It happens.

This has become such a perfect analogy for my life....at least lately. Knowing that I must refuel my body to keep going, doesn't mean I am. Not sleeping much or very good when I do sleep, not eating like I know I should, my school work taking up several hours a day, the kids school work taking up several more hours a day, housework, juggling finances, managing chores outside and inside, my job, trying to remember to keep up with those outside our little bubble, trying to throw in a few "fun" things when possible, and my personal "fuel" tank is running on "E." We have been working on the remodeling of our home since February, and it continues. Even though we got the new addition on, we still have to finish it, finish roofing, finish siding, finish putting in the new windows, and then comes the remodeling on the inside that we have come to a complete standstill on.

While we are working constantly on several projects, there still seems to be so many unfinished. I am winding down my own schooling as rapidly as possible, we have reduced the number of little pigs we will be feeding(which reduces the feed bill too!), and will only have a handful to feed for the next few months. We have gotten the cow in with a bull, so that we'll have another calf to butcher or increase our cattle number with next year. We have kept our chicken numbers lower, since the neighbor dogs took out half of them earlier this year, to decrease the amount of feed and upkeep with them. We have gotten all the hay baled, the alfalfa has been baled and is getting ready to be baled again, the equipment has all had it's maintenence and repairs done, our oldest has taken over the training of the horses, and the new budget/farm plan has been set in motion.

The household, itself, is getting it's obvious make over. However, the biggest make over is the way it's being run. While we have kept a strict limit for the last several years of how much debt we'd have...there are times that it gets pretty tight and my anxiety over it runs extremely high. I don't like debt, and I am busting my butt to get us completely out of debt and to not have to have any again. I know some think this is impossible, but it is possible when you change your thoughts. We began paying off debts before we bought our house. Since then, we have worked to keep paying on debts. This year took us to a new level. Every few weeks, I have been evaluating our finances. I have attempted to keep a close tab on everything going out and coming in. While I am still juggling to get everything in a firm grasp, I am finally seeing debts getting paid off. I am seeing some amounts disappearing from our budget that have been there for years. I am seeing balances drop weekly, and finding a peaceful feeling that our comfort level of debt has SOME breathing room for the first time in many years. I still have 2 areas of the budget that need attention, but I know that those areas will be taken care of in the near future. I am bringing in a little extra each month with my job, and that is allowing a few more payments to be made and a little extra to do stuff as a family and as a couple too.

For several years, we have had constant activity around our little farm. It hasn't allowed much time for anything other than being here. While anyone who has done anything with a farm can tell you, you don't get vacations when you have livestock. That is unless you have someone that will take care of chores while you are away. My annual trips to my hometown don't allow much time to see everyone, and I miss my family and friends, but my life is here. Our food, jobs, and extra incomes require constant attention. Teaching our kids at home, is a little added work, but it is the best option for us; given the experiences we had with our local school district. It has allowed us though, to use our everyday life and people in our local communities as teaching aides. It has also allowed us to have a very close knit family unit. Our kids love spending as much time as possible with their grandparents and even great-grandparents. The oldest has attended a small town city counsel meeting, several times, with his great-grandma, and loves it! The youngest is one of few girls in her generation locally. She has met and had play dates with a few little girls, and loved them, but plays so well with all ages of girls and boys. Both the kids are looking forward to their newest venture, 4-H. This is an area that we haven't done anything with, but seems to be something that our whole family will be jumping into with both feet.

For years, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. I did not have a job away from home, or bring in an actual income. My full-time job was to run our household, take care of the kids, and provide the best possible home for my family. While I have heard for years, "it must be nice..." I will agree it was a benefit to be home, what many don't seem to understand is the amount of work that went into being able to stay home, being able to juggle a household, and not to lose my mind in the process. I am a person of action. I want things done....NOW! I am not a patient person, nor am I one that fits the local adage of "it still be there when I get to it." I believe if you get things done now, you won't have to deal with it later. (As a side note...this is still my thoughts, and it does cause stress on occasion because I push so hard to get stuff done!) So, when there is projects to get done, I don't feel it necessary to go do fun stuff. I believe the fun stuff will be there when the work is done. Maybe this is why I tend to get stressed out. My husband works a regular job. He works on average about 50 hours a week, then comes home to our projects here. He is a hard worker, and does good providing for our family. I get upset though, when all I hear about is how hard he works. I will NEVER negate how hard he works. He is a great person, and does work hard. However, I get down right mad when the work he does is compared to the work I do. I do not get to punch in and out, I do not get vacation days, sick days, personal time or fun time. My job, as a stay-at-home-mom is 24/7/365. I have been out for a fun time with a friend a total of 5 hours in the last 15 years. I do not have any hobbies that take up my time or our money. I do not even get to my home town to see family or friends more than once a year. Until I started working again, the only time I left our little piece of land was to get groceries or the rare occasion we got to go out as a couple for a date night. Even then, our conversations revolved around our farm, our kids, or his phone ringing for some job related issue.

I do struggle with the lack of support, and not understanding what all I do. However, I know that if I quit everything I do, our lives would fall apart. I also know, the last several years, my husband and I have become not only best friends but also partners in our crazy life. It took many years of one problem after another and really not liking each but we got through it, only the universe knows how, and now we do pretty good. For the most part, we have gotten to the stage of complimenting each other. Between the two of us, there isn't much we can't do. I'm not saying we have a perfect relationship, that we never get angry with each other or that we don't have times that we just need a break from each other, but it's a good relationship. We get along for the most part, we share many of the same ideas and ideals, we work well together, and it's a comfortable relationship now. Although, he can still push just the right buttons, and I'm ticked instantly...he's one of the few that can still do that.

I know that as we begin to finish some of these bigger projects, my anxiety will ease some. Maybe at that point, I can begin to refuel my system. Until then, I am running on minimal good sleep, food when I take the time, and dwindling energy levels. Not to mention, the extremely sore muscles, aches and pains, that show I am getting older.

Until next time, I will just say, please tread lightly with me. I only have so many patience right now, no tolerance, low energy, and even though I love my life....I am tired. I am worn clear out, and I am looking forward to winding down some projects so I can relax some. I am looking forward to our upcoming gatherings through the end of the year...and celebrating my 40th the end of December.

Until I need a venting break again, I will salute you all and say, "onward and upward!"
Salli