Stepping off the ledge..NO, not literally! :)

I'm stepping off a ledge of fear, doubt, discontentment, unease and misery.

Just as a baby or toddler goes through learning phases and becomes more difficult for a period of time, adults go through similar learning phases too. We expect babies and toddlers to go through these phases as they grow, so that they can learn. Adults have gotten the misconstrued idea that we just learn and don't have to deal with these phases anymore. That is just not true.

As I have gone through my own life, I recognize many phases that I went through, and refuse to believe that I have been the only to experience them. We make transitional phases throughout our growing years, obviously, but we don't pay attention. As adults, we begin different types of transitional phases at 18. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves, and be responsible for ourselves. Then we get to that all glorious stage of being 21 and having to redefine and relearn ourselves again. Some throw in the learning stages of marriage and children. Some focus solely on their careers. Either direction requires learning different responsibilities. As a woman, for me anyway, we hit all the milestones(age in numbers) with new expectations for ourselves, and learning new things about ourselves. For some, the milestone could be 30, 40, or 50 years.

For me, when I turned 30, I thought my world was coming to an end! I know, I know...I was still young. I think I cried the entire year. I always believed by the time I got to 30 years old, I should have my life together. I was expecting the white picket fence, 2.5 children, a great career and a perfect marriage. Obviously, the path I expected and the one laid before me were completely different! I got past that without too much emotional turmoil. My 30's took some massive right turns, had me floundering to find my way and just before my 38th birthday; had me struggling to just get through each day.

For 2 years now, I have struggled, floundered, lost my way, and seen just how dark a world can be without direction. I had seriously lost my way, and found a dark tunnel that I could never seem to find my way out of. I struggled to get through each day. I was not happy with anything. I began smoking more, not exercising at all, and withdrawing from anything that was outside of my home. I had a close friend that I felt betrayed by, family that I couldn't see often enough, best friends that lived too far away to be near, and that began my spiral. While all those negative emotions were tough, then the universe thought it a good idea to throw me into Menopause too. So feeling lost, then became so much more. My hormones went into stupid mode, my dark moods threw my body into multiple illnesses, I pulled away even further from friends and family, and even pulled into a shell in my own family. All along, I have still attempted to keep up with my kids school work, housework and farm life, and going back to school myself.

The past 2 years have been especially dark for me. I have talked with many people through the years, and never did I grasp the despair, loneliness, frustration at myself, or the feeling of uselessness that one person could feel. I have listened to so many when they have had issues going on in their lives, and tried to give them something positive to focus on. Yet, the 2 darkest years of my life, had so few people to talk to about my own issues. Never would I have guessed that life would become so stupid busy that people couldn't just stop a bit to actually talk. Never would I have guessed that my own black hole, would be so dark and negative with all the positivity I usually carry within myself. Never would I have guessed that my own confidence, empowerment and optimism would just disintegrate into oblivion! Guess what?! It did, and in a BIG way! All the positivity I held, flew out the window. Whenever I have heard that my issues are very dim compared to the issues of someone else...it makes me want to literally smack someone! I know someone fighting for their life is in bad shape, but my issues meant the same to me. Telling someone their issues are minimal compared to someone else, is just pathetic. Everyone has their own issues, and to them it feels like their world is crumbling at their feet.

I'm not completely out of that black hole, but I can see daylight now. I can get out of bed each day without the dread of dealing with another day and crying throughout that day. I can get up each morning feeling that I can not only face the day, but look forward to making the best of each day. Frustrations still get the better of me, occasionally. I just had one of those days yesterday. The tears roll, the frustration takes on a life of it's own, and the headaches set in, literally. I'm one of those people that when an issue is presented to me, I analyze it, look for logical paths and then I want action to solve it. I don't want to stew over something for weeks on end, but I want something done...NOW! Patience is not a gift I was blessed with, I don't have any! Once I decide on a course of action, I want it done. I don't want excuses why it can't be done. I don't want 15 people telling me that there is a better way. For me, when I make a move, or action...it's already been thought about...a LOT and I am making the move or action, in a way that is best for me. Telling me it can't be done that way, or shouldn't be done that way; is like pouring salt on an open wound, and not real smart. I have always been a decisive person. Once a decision is made, it gets done. If something ticks me off, it gets eliminated from my life. If people cause too many headaches for me, I won't be around them.

Unfortunately, for 2 years I have forgotten my ability to say, "hey, this is my life. It may not meet your standards, but it's not your life...it's mine!" I listened to all the nay sayers, I listened to all the negativity, I listened and took to heart all the barbs and ignorant remarks that had been thrown at me. I let people that, although I cared about, make me feel like less of a person and let them make me feel that I wasn't smart enough to make the best choices. I decided to live a life that was far from the "normal," but one that best suited what we needed. I chose a path that had been proven through centuries, instead of decades. I chose to educate my children in a way that I knew they would be safe, and get an honest, real life education. I have chosen to live a life that focuses on morals, values and integrity; instead of lies, deceit, back stabbing, and materialism. While some of the B.S. has filtered into our lives through outside influence, the majority of it is kept at bay.

It's my time to get back to climbing out of this dark, deep hole. I am working everyday to find the light I am finally seeing. Even with a few monkey wrenches thrown in, I know I can do this. I know I am going through these trials to build my strength, character, and mental ability. I know, without a doubt, I am a strong person. I know I am making a life that will better myself, and my family. I know that I am becoming the person I am meant to become. As a quote I found this morning says, "You may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit!"

There is so much I have learned about myself in the last 2 years, that I know it's not been in vain, but it definitely has made life very difficult. It has caused me to face some past demons, it has opened doors to information that I never thought possible, and it has shown me how true friendship can be...even if it's just a few. The 3 people that I have talked with, shared any intimate details of my life; they didn't judge me. They didn't tell me I was being ridiculous or pathetic. They were honest with me. They didn't jump to try to make things better by their standards, they listened. They shared their opinions, and thoughts, or when I just needed a cry or a shoulder...they were right there. Even if it was a phone call, text message or email. For that, I am forever in their debt!

I have learned that so many people think they know best when it comes to other lives, but honestly, what works for one person may not work or be best for another. People today, are quick to judge and quick to criticize. I really feel if everyone focused on their own lives, our world wouldn't have the issues it does. We may not always agree with choices others make or their life styles, but in my opinion, it's no one's business but their own. Until it affects my or my family's safety or livelihood, it not my place to judge anyone else. What may look like a mistake or poor choice from my stand point, may be just what someone else needs. Just as I hate when someone else judges my life, I will not do that to someone else. I guess it falls back to the one thing NOT taught for many years, "Treat others the way in which you wish to be treated."

Each of us chose a path for ourselves. Rarely do find someone else on the same path, at the same point in their lives. I believe we control our own destinies, so that allows us to control the paths we take. So many times, we go down paths that are wrong for us, because we are afraid to break the mold. We are afraid to step out of the "normal," and fear what others will think. That seems to lead to "everyone else is doing this, so it must be the only way." That is just so unfortunate to me. If you are on a path that doesn't feel completely empowering to you, more than likely, it's the wrong path for you. For me, I chose the path in my life that felt right, that fit what I needed, that fit what my family needed, and that was not direct or normal, but served me to the fullest. I chose to focus on being spiritual, not religious. I chose to educate myself to holistic health after nearly loosing my youngest child to modern medicine. I chose to educate my children at home, for their safety and unbiased real education. I chose to focus my life around my Native American Heritage. I have chosen to teach my kids the value of family, honesty, hard work, and a love of learning. I have chosen to explore my love of learning and knowledge through going back to school, taking photos, building furniture, landscaping, gardening, and cooking. However, I have lost some "things" along the way. I have all but quit dancing, I let go of a career that I loved - but that may have had a purpose, I quit doing regular exercise, I quit making time for friends but that is changing, I allowed other people's emotions filter into my own and bring me further down - but I am working on that too, I lost sight of enjoying the little things that make each day so bright - I am working on this too! Some of the things I enjoyed, I am working to get back. Other areas of that list, I am letting go of.

Many of my deepest thoughts, and realizations seem to come out when I write. I have read through some of my blogs and thought, "wow, I can't believe this information has been right under my nose." Most of the time, when I write, it is written in how I feel at the moment. I don't stop the thoughts, I just write what is going on in my heart or mind. I guess that keeps these real. I know I am going to have bad days, as does everyone, but mine are actually getting a break now; instead of being tied together. This transitional phase has been eye opening, at the very least. It has brought so much to light, and so many issues to the forefront. Yes, it's been dark, scary, lonely, depressing, and overwhelming...but it's also shown me the people I can depend on, and the truth about others. It's shown me that words are nothing but letters thrown together. It's shown me that actions, above all else will prove everything. It's shown me that those I held in the highest regard, didn't deserve to be there; while some that I didn't put in the same category more than proved they deserved to be there. It's shown me that even well meaning advice, from those we hold as friends and sometimes even family, is usually best left quiet. It's proven to me that even though I have chosen a path that is different from the "norm," I am on the right and best path for me.

Those random moments when you share thoughts with someone, and their thoughts are almost identical to your own...you know you have found a friend, confidant and in my case...husband. Even though we may hit heads, we may talk and argue only to find out we were saying the same thing...just differently, we may have days we really just frustrate each other; he has been right beside the entire time I have dealt with this black hole. Never trying to fix anything, just letting me talk or cry, just listening with an occasional thought but never judging me. Never saying yes I'm here, and then not being there when I did need him. I get frustrated that we don't get much time together, and usually take that frustration out on him. I get frustrated when I see other women talking about how romantic their husbands are or seeing their husbands put loving or sometimes funny remarks on their social media posts. You know, I know my knight in shining armor is really a farm boy in tin foil, and I love him for it. He has given me so many precious gifts that I can never count them. Aside from being my best friend, he gave me 2 precious children, a life style (although I didn't realize at the time) was exactly what I wanted, a strong, dependable, hardworking, sometimes grouchy and a pain in the butt, but always a loving home, quick wit and a ready smile. We may clash on some things, but I would be lost without him!

I'm taking this dark hole by storm. It's time to cinch up these boot straps and remember the fire, determination that has always lived in me. It's time to face the obstacles that lay ahead with a conscience mind, and the knowledge that my "partner in crime(i.e.husband) is going to have back when the going gets tough. It's time to remember the very values that I preach, and remind myself that unless you live under my roof...I will be gracious enough to visit, but those opinions are theirs to keep. Unless I ask for opinions or advice...I don't want it!

Pulling up my boot straps...
~Sal~

Coffee Chat - March 24 2015

I've done more personal writing lately, than anything really useful. I have been learning more about myself though. I'm listening to my soul as it has screamed for attention for so long, and neglected to get it. I have a big fault when it comes to being loyal, and being a friend. I am a sensitive person, an empath if you will. When I have too many emotions, or personalities coming at me, it overwhelms me. My moods change with the people I am around. So, I am having to learn to deal with that and how to not really harden against the overpowering emotions, but yet harden enough to make those other moods not effect me as much. Being a more sensitive person, I can pick up on the vibes or auras of others as well. This does get overwhelming at times too.

When I am around many people, and all their moods, it exhausts me. It doesn't matter if the moods are all joyful, or all sad; they overwhelm me. I'm having to learn to extricate all the other emotions and focus solely on my own. This is a challenge when I am surrounded by 3 other people all the time, and even just going shopping; it feels like an ambush. It's kind of strange to me, but it is what it is, and I am just now figuring out several issues I have faced since I was a child.

I am also finding that some of my closest friends are my saving grace. When life tends to overwhelm me, I will get a phone call, text message or email from several of them. Without saying a word to anyone, they just know when I am needing their friendship! There seems to be 4 of them that are just close enough that they know without me saying anything. I have also figured out that some friends, while they can be close, they are life suckers. Most of us know these types of people, they are the ones who always have a new issue that is uprooting their their lives, their issues are always ten times worse than yours, or they create their own issues and refuse to accept the outcome while blaming someone else. It's those types of friends, that you are around when you want to be around a friend, but they are the only ones available. It's this type of friend that can never be considered a best friend because they bring you down with every phone call call, text message or visit. Then you throw in family, and sometimes they are good for the soul, and other times they drag you through the dirt, and make you feel worthless, helpless and useless. You obviously can't disown family, but you can definitely limit your interactions with them.

I have definitely been in what I call a funk, for about 2 years. I am not ashamed to say that while life has continued, it has been a harsh reality to me, to learn that all the positive thoughts in the world could not have prevented this. I have always been the responsible yet rebellious person that I still am today. As a teen, I was rebellious in sneaking around to see guys my parents didn't like, and my senior year of high school - I began experimenting with alcohol. However, I NEVER did any type of drug, and for that I can say I am proud! I always have taken my responsibility seriously. To some degree, I have taken responsibility too serious. It has become my way of life. I don't take risks, I use caution in everything I do, I stress over my responsibilities to a fault and have let my hobbies, and the things I have enjoyed in the past, slip by me. My responsibilities in my life, rule my life and leave no room for fun or spontaneity. I am not good at surprises, I hate to be afraid, I don't like horror movies, I am terrified of heights, and anything that doesn't have a guaranteed outcome...is probably not going to happen!

I decided yesterday to see if my husband and I were on the same page with some questions that I got from a Psychologist friend. There were 20 questions that were really all over the map in subject, but touched on so many areas that I thought to be important in any relationship. While it was not really a surprise that we were basically on the same page and had the same thoughts; it was an eye opener that our communication styles were really different. Most of the answers we had, were the same but dictated differently. Even though many of the answers were the same, the ones that were different, weren't really all that different. I did learn that communication comes across as an important trait, but even with communication, you have to be willing to talk about differences of opinions because many times; you are both saying the same thing, just in a different way.

I know he has to be ready for this self-finding stage of mine to be over, since he really catches the brunt of my frustrations. I wish I could just flip a switch and be done with all of, but it's not working that way. It's like the universe has said, "you have silenced your soul for too long, and now, you are going to face this and deal with this!" Through all the different issues I have faced in my life, never once I have quit. I may not have always taken the easy path, or even a path of less resistance, but until I moved to Missouri...I had always stayed true to the person I was at the time. While I spent 2 years in Missouri, finding myself and sowing my wild oats; I really never intended to stay here. I needed to be away from everyone who had known me so I could find my own way. I knew when I met my husband that his friendship would be invaluable. I never would have dreamed that it would lead to the here and now; almost 16 years later. With so many outside influences, extended family issues, kids, medical issues, and a host of other issues; it's a wonder we still talk to each other let alone have remained married. The past 6 1/2 years, I have been thrown off balance. Being surprised by finding out I was pregnant at almost 5 months along, having a second child that wasn't supposed to be possible, throw in battling a school district and beginning homeschooling, a very spirited 2nd child, an almost too laid back older child, never having any time to be a wife, let alone finding any time alone; and I have lost my path.

For someone who is sensitive/empathetic, having alone time is essential. Having time when there are no other noises, and you can just "be," is when they can basically recharge their emotional abilities. I never really understood, growing up, why I could be with friends but enjoyed my solitude just as much. I never understood why large crowds overwhelmed me, or how I could love to be at any of my jobs, but I could be in my home and sit in total silence. I'm learning now though. It's those times of solitude, my times in nature; that refueled me. It was my creative brain that would concoct the most amazing flower arrangements, write the most heart felt poems, draw some of the most amazing home plans, and during my most stressful times of hiking to burn off that stress - that I found a new path to blaze. My constant need to learn, grow, experience, create, and feel - was what shoved me towards moving to Missouri. You see, for me, even though I may feel everyone's emotions coming at me, rarely do I feel my own emotions. I have kept those under lock and key since my freshman year of high school. After reading through my journals, I have found that my own emotions have surfaced throughout different times in my life, and that's when I have become completely overwhelmed and until being married, had caused me to run from life as fast as possible. My own emotions scare the crap out of me. I learned to turn them off years ago, but the older I get, the more difficult it's becoming to keep them turned off. Keeping my own emotions in check, it's what has driven the walls around me higher, and thicker than anyone could understand. My love of music has allowed me to kind of come out of my shell some. I love to sing and dance along to songs I know. If I have music going, and I have the freedom to sing and dance to it, I can usually deal with whatever is thrown at me. All the candles I burn, are the same way. The glow and scent of candles, relax me. Sometimes, I think I could easily live an Amish lifestyle, at least without electricity. Candle light, for me, is relaxing and romantic. It helps us to slow down, and only see a fraction of the insanity around us. I love the peace that candle light brings.

As I have said, many times before, I have a major love/hate relationship with technology. I love being able to write in my blogs, share pictures/information with friends and family through social networking, but it has overrun society. So many people can't carry on a conversation anymore without cell phones going off, text messaging, or some sort of computer. I don't know too many that could still even make change without a cash register to show them the difference. It's sad. Even though I will catch grief for, dating isn't even except from the technology. I don't understand how few actual interactions people have with each other, can actually be good. Between the technology and society's need for all the materialistic crap, I just cringe. People have forgotten how to be loyal, honest, hard working, and most of all debt free. I have heard so many comments that being debt free isn't realistic. In my eyes, being debt free is not only realistic but the only responsible way to be. We aren't there yet, but we will be. We are working towards it, and not too far from it. We were foolish enough to buy into the capitalism way of life from the beginning, and are now trying to get out of it. The crap of keeping up with the neighbors, or getting something because someone else has it, is not the way to live. I personally, don't want a huge, expensive house. I don't live a life to be showcased. I want a home that allows love and warmth to permeates it's walls and extends to anyone that visits. I want a home that we can actually live in, use, and doesn't take hiring a maid to maintain. I don't care that our vehicles are 13 and 25 years old. The work, we maintain them, and as of this year will both be paid off. I can't justify spending more on a vehicle than we have on our home. I have never been afraid of uprooting my life, to go someplace that allows for a better standard of living or allows for better relationships without constant issues.

I have very high standards for myself and unfortunately I hold other people to high standards too. This causes many issues since not everyone believes as I do. I believe that true friendships are the ones that you don't have to talk everyday to have, you never have to worry about a true friend talking behind your back and they will defend you to anyone that does. Once I consider someone a friend, the conversations we have are kept quiet. I do not gossip, or deal with rumors. I am very cautious around people that I don't know well, and tend to come off as cold or heartless. I don't trust easy, so many people may be around but very few will ever see the real me. Even my writing is filtered in my blogs to maintain not only confidences but also because I don't know everyone, individually that reads it. Some topics are very general, some are more personal but the most personal areas to me will never be found here. There are so many things that are said and happen in our home, that no one will ever know about. Aside from those that live here, there is no one that knows everything that goes on, no matter what anyone would like to believe. We keep most of our life private, even from extended family. The less interference we have, the better off we are.

My blogs, my writing and the few articles that I have written are an outlet for me. These are my stress relievers, my way of trying to help someone else that may be dealing with things and feeling they are alone. My writing provides me a "safe from emotion," means of being involved in a world that overwhelms me. It gives me a few minutes, whenever I write, to escape the constant whirlwind in my head.

The world around me crazy, everyone is busy being busy, everyone is working to pay for things they don't need instead of making time for the people they do. So many are working multiple jobs to pay for a home they are never at, a vehicle that they have to have to go to their job, to pay for their kids to be over scheduled in activities so they can fit in, to pay for name brand clothes or shoes that will also help their kids to fit in, to pay for a life that is less about living and more about just existing. Unfortunately, we have fallen into this role off and on during our marriage and I like it less and less. Hearing so many make comments like, "it must be nice not to have to work," tends to throw me into defensive mode immediately. Yes, it's nice. It would allow us to pay everything off so much fast if we had a second full-time income, but that second income wouldn't amount to much when you figure in all the extra expenses. When you figure in the cost of daycare/babysitters, fuel, vehicle maintenance, extra lunches, extra clothes, and travel times. For me, when you figure in all the expenses, I would be having to make $25 per hour to actually make anything. Otherwise, I would jut be working to pay to work. Senseless! So, yes, it's nice to be home with my kids everyday, but it takes using responsibility to be able to try to make ends meet. It takes determination not to feel like climbing the walls everyday when you are home and just want to go shopping or take off for a weekend excursion...it's not easy, even if nice. It means planning meals so you can just make a single trip to the store every month, it means planning cheap or free mini-vacations, it means not eating out except maybe once a month. It means going to garage sales to buy everyday clothes because name brand clothes don't matter! It means figuring out the price per ounce on food packaging to see if buying bulk really is cheaper. It means that the last week before your grocery trip is meals that are either left overs or throw together meals consisting of whatever may be left in the pantry/freezer and refrigerator. It means that any kind of trip means saving for months for, and any unexpected expense can be a huge issue. It means having to readjust your emotions to allow for weeks on end of not leaving your property, but having to remember how to interact with people when you do. It means most conversation is between you, your kids, and your animals...then remembering when you do interact with people not to talk to them like you would your kids or animals! It means developing thick skin for all the snide remarks, and comments that will be thrown at you about how weird you are, or all the comments that make you feel like less of a person for the choices you have made to be responsible, or the remarks that constantly degrade you for your choices. You have to learn that society, as a whole, has become a society of judgmental hypocrites and everyone seems to know what's best for you and your family...even when they only know a fraction of what they are talking about. It means being able to stay true to beliefs and values, even when faced with the crap I just mentioned. Just being a stay-at-home mom, home schooling mom, nature lover, spiritual but not religious person, isn't bad and to some degree is my happiness. However, when you are detoured by the degrading comments, the snide remarks become unbearable, the misinformed comments that do their best to belittle you, the snide/rude/ignorant(as in unknowing) remarks that make you want to yell at the top of your lungs come in; you have to look to the deep South for proper/classy ways to say "piss off!" You will have times when that thick skin will break and a comment or remark will make you doubt your decisions. It's times like that, that you have to be willing to use a little class, use a little tact; and offer a "thank you for your concern, and I will take of it," answer. Sometimes, holding your tongue becomes a task within itself, and you want to throw those that interfere out of your life, and burn the bridge they crossed on. When you choose a path that is so separate from what the current normal is, you will be ambushed with negativity. You will be overrun with well-intentioned but unwanted advice. You either have to be strong enough to stand up to the person and ask them politely to butt-out or learn to bite your tongue...a LOT!

When we made the decision that I would be a stay-at-home mom, I never would have believe the barrage of stupidity that would come along with it. I never would have believed how many negative opinions would have come through. Then being forced into paying an out of district school fee or home schooling after a bully was physically hurting our oldest child, I couldn't believe the backlash from that! Then to find out you have the healthiest looking children but that you had inadvertently passed your horrible allergies onto them, and having to learn holistic healthcare to be able to best care for your children...OMG! That was a tsunami of grief we still deal with! Believe me when I say, the life I lead, is NOT the life I planned for myself. Not even close! Having to watch everything the kids eat, or dealing with the backlash when they eat something that clashes with their allergies. Being at home full-time without any outlet for my own energies, creative thoughts, or passions; being not only Mom to my kids but also teaching them. Living in the middle of nowhere, with none of my longtime friends or even family of my own, has been a huge undertaking. Being made to feel that you are an outsider, or told, with no chance of ever belonging, has been yet another difficulty. My life, as I planned it, was faster, more professional, living near an ocean not in the middle of a corn field. I have grown to love my farm life. I love having the little bit of livestock we have, and I love having my gardens. When I begin to get overwhelmed though, I dream of what I could have accomplished, where I could have traveled to, the career that I chose to let go of, and freedom of no commitments. The only responsibilities I had planned on were to myself. Yep, I was pretty selfish and self-centered. I didn't have to worry about anyone else. Now, my plate seems to be heaping with worry and it's not for myself but for my family. I do everything I can to keep them healthy, happy, responsible, and productive members of society. I push them to be so much better, because I see so much potential in each of them. I have let go of many of my own dreams but there are very few that I actually regret letting go of. I have developed new dreams, new interests and readjusted my goals to fit the life I have now.

As I am finding my way, and the fog has gotten thinner, I am finding that even though I am not the person I was years ago...I am finding that I am just a more mature version, who has allowed herself to be jaded by life and outside opinion. I will grow from this transitional period, and will grow into the person I was meant to become. The path may get bumpy, even not be visible for spurts, but I am not a quitter and I love a good challenge! :)

It's time to start putting a positive spin on this crazy life, without ignoring the areas that need to be worked on. If just one person reads this, and doesn't feel alone, then I can know I have done something to help. Have a breath taking day!
~Salli~

My personal battle - treading water...and not well!

Have you ever been in a position that was all too consuming, all too confusing and having no one you could really be completely honest with? Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough, it will not be following your own heart and dreams? Even though part of my dreams have came to life with my kids and my life style to some degree, I have so much in my heart that is laying crumpled in a pile with no hope of coming to fruition because of circumstance.

Knowing you have hopes and dreams that very few even know exist, is a bit overwhelming at best. Feeling confused, lost, overwhelmed, and a bit trapped; is exhausting. From the outside, someone looking in my at my life, would think everything is perfect, and to be honest...it's not bad. I have a hard-working husband, 2 kids that I get to spend everyday with, I don't have to work outside of home, we have a beautiful home and plenty of space to do some of my most favorite things. On the inside, it feels like I am in a constant influx. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am! I am also struggling to find my own way though. For 14 years, I have focused completely on being a Mom, and when time and energy allowed, being a wife, friend, daughter, etc. I gave all my focus, energy, and time to my amazing kids. While I love that I can, and don't know that I would ever change that, I feel that I have completely neglected myself in everything else. I have allowed myself to get caught in the current of a long ago mothering role. I took great pride that I have not had my kids in daycare, a day of their lives. The only people to ever watch my kids has been family. I have been their sole caretaker, for the most part. I took care of the house, the kids, and managing our finances and "farming" involvements. Then a couple of years ago, I didn't want those roles anymore. I stressed over finances, stressed over being too involved for my comfort levels, I stressed over making certain I did the best I could for my kids, no matter what that meant. It has resulted in some serious upheaval in my own heart and head. I have watched one of my close friends, go through emotional turmoil and some questionable decision in her unhappy marriage. I have seen other friends go through divorce and serious marriage issues, and be completely miserable with many of their decisions. Some have regretted divorcing their partners, others have regretted not making more efforts to keep their marriage going. I have seen friends living their lives in marriages that they are miserable in. Whether they are staying for their kids, because of fear of not being able to make it on their own, or whatever their reasons; they are miserable.

While I am not miserable in my marriage, there are days that do get tough. Most of them are my own issues. I am at a stage in my life that has left me reeling in some strange emotions that I don't know how to tackle. I don't understand them, let alone know how to handle them. Having some wonderful friends is great, but I don't know that any of them are in a position to understand what I am dealing with. I'm not really unhappy, per say, I am confused/lost and overwhelmed. I am struggling with my own identity, my own needs and dreams, my own wants; and yet I am still expected to keep up with normal life. I am feeling quite claustrophobic, to be entirely honest. Years ago, when I felt this way, I would take a weekend to go hiking, and push my own physical limits to release the tensions. Now, however, I can't just take off for a weekend. I have a household to run, kids to take care of, and a husband that isn't too fond of me just taking off. While he would never tell me I couldn't go, or that I couldn't do something...it just ends up being a huge headache that I just don't want to deal with. I don't do well having to depend on anyone, so I took on this whole, going back to college again. It has proven to be the most difficult thing I have done in recent past. I can't get enough time to study in the quiet, I am struggling to get caught back up after having to let it slide while life around here has been insane. Now, I am on a 3 month extension to be able to graduate, and still have zero time that it's quiet around here to study. I have begun asking for help, and have not done too well with this. I need time to study, but I also need time that I can have a real heart-to-heart with my husband without little people, cartoons, and little ears.

I feeling like I am constantly treading water, and not getting anywhere. Honestly, I am tired of just treading water, and being swept from wave to another. I don't want to keep swimming upstream, and feeling like I am just sinking a little further each day. I am not a quitter, so that is never an option, but I am getting more tired and more lost. I don't know how to pull out of these waves, and find solid footing again.