Have you ever been in a position that was all too consuming, all too confusing and having no one you could really be completely honest with? Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough, it will not be following your own heart and dreams? Even though part of my dreams have came to life with my kids and my life style to some degree, I have so much in my heart that is laying crumpled in a pile with no hope of coming to fruition because of circumstance.
Knowing you have hopes and dreams that very few even know exist, is a bit overwhelming at best. Feeling confused, lost, overwhelmed, and a bit trapped; is exhausting. From the outside, someone looking in my at my life, would think everything is perfect, and to be honest...it's not bad. I have a hard-working husband, 2 kids that I get to spend everyday with, I don't have to work outside of home, we have a beautiful home and plenty of space to do some of my most favorite things. On the inside, it feels like I am in a constant influx. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am! I am also struggling to find my own way though. For 14 years, I have focused completely on being a Mom, and when time and energy allowed, being a wife, friend, daughter, etc. I gave all my focus, energy, and time to my amazing kids. While I love that I can, and don't know that I would ever change that, I feel that I have completely neglected myself in everything else. I have allowed myself to get caught in the current of a long ago mothering role. I took great pride that I have not had my kids in daycare, a day of their lives. The only people to ever watch my kids has been family. I have been their sole caretaker, for the most part. I took care of the house, the kids, and managing our finances and "farming" involvements. Then a couple of years ago, I didn't want those roles anymore. I stressed over finances, stressed over being too involved for my comfort levels, I stressed over making certain I did the best I could for my kids, no matter what that meant. It has resulted in some serious upheaval in my own heart and head. I have watched one of my close friends, go through emotional turmoil and some questionable decision in her unhappy marriage. I have seen other friends go through divorce and serious marriage issues, and be completely miserable with many of their decisions. Some have regretted divorcing their partners, others have regretted not making more efforts to keep their marriage going. I have seen friends living their lives in marriages that they are miserable in. Whether they are staying for their kids, because of fear of not being able to make it on their own, or whatever their reasons; they are miserable.
While I am not miserable in my marriage, there are days that do get tough. Most of them are my own issues. I am at a stage in my life that has left me reeling in some strange emotions that I don't know how to tackle. I don't understand them, let alone know how to handle them. Having some wonderful friends is great, but I don't know that any of them are in a position to understand what I am dealing with. I'm not really unhappy, per say, I am confused/lost and overwhelmed. I am struggling with my own identity, my own needs and dreams, my own wants; and yet I am still expected to keep up with normal life. I am feeling quite claustrophobic, to be entirely honest. Years ago, when I felt this way, I would take a weekend to go hiking, and push my own physical limits to release the tensions. Now, however, I can't just take off for a weekend. I have a household to run, kids to take care of, and a husband that isn't too fond of me just taking off. While he would never tell me I couldn't go, or that I couldn't do something...it just ends up being a huge headache that I just don't want to deal with. I don't do well having to depend on anyone, so I took on this whole, going back to college again. It has proven to be the most difficult thing I have done in recent past. I can't get enough time to study in the quiet, I am struggling to get caught back up after having to let it slide while life around here has been insane. Now, I am on a 3 month extension to be able to graduate, and still have zero time that it's quiet around here to study. I have begun asking for help, and have not done too well with this. I need time to study, but I also need time that I can have a real heart-to-heart with my husband without little people, cartoons, and little ears.
I feeling like I am constantly treading water, and not getting anywhere. Honestly, I am tired of just treading water, and being swept from wave to another. I don't want to keep swimming upstream, and feeling like I am just sinking a little further each day. I am not a quitter, so that is never an option, but I am getting more tired and more lost. I don't know how to pull out of these waves, and find solid footing again.
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