How do I do this?!

How do I do this?! Our lives are packed up tight in boxes. We are living in limbo right now. Trying to make certain we still have what we need to live our day-to-day lives, while trying to pack away all our personal effects to show our house.

As if living out of boxes was not enough, now I have to estimate and plan for living in 2 different households for an undetermined time frame, since our home has not yet sold. Trying to make sure that my kids have enough to stay entertained, yet being mindful that someone could want a showing at any point. Trying to remember which bills need to be paid, what appointments need to be made, planning out meals, keeping everything in a neat and tidy place.

All of this while feeling like hell, and trying to finish the kids school year. I am struggling to find the mental strength to do everything that needs to be done. For several years, my strength has been tested, and now I'm needing it, more than ever. I have always been strong, stubborn, and nothing has kept me down. Right now, it's a struggle just to get through each day. I am handling the paperwork for our new area, from 6 hours away, through phone calls and emails. I am trying to keep up with the leg work of selling our house on our own here. I'm attempting to keep our daily schedule as intact as possible since the kids are struggling with packing up everything for an undetermined time frame.

Even with all the chaos of relocating from one end of the state to the other, I know this is the right move in my heart. I know it's going to take some adjustment, it is different location and lifestyle. I know everything will take time to calm back down. However, I have a really good gut feeling about the entire move...aside from the stupidity right now. I have seen my husband's personality begin to change, for the better. I have seen his health conditions improving just since the decisions were made and everything has been made public. His new job, the pay is closer to what he deserves, offers benefits, bonuses, and normal hours that do not require nights, weekends, and holidays he doesn't get paid for. Or, having people just show up at our house because they need tools, parts, or need him to go fix something after hours. The kids love the new area and are excited to get there. They are struggling with the chaos and packing, but are anxious to begin our new life. They love the new house, have their bedrooms picked out and are looking at the possibilities that they will have in the bigger area. They each will have a decent sized room, big closet, and plenty of yard to play in. Then there's me. Although living in the country was not how I was raised, I told my husband years ago, I would go where ever he wanted to go, so he was happy. I don't have ties to any one place. I guess I never really have. I broke the apron strings with my family 19 years ago. I have yet to find a place that calls for me to put down roots. The new area, I can see that happening, but to this point...my soul hasn't found its home. I am anxious to get moved, settled, and find a new direction. I can't say I don't have some hesitation, but it's not because of doubt. I know different areas have different personalities/attitudes. I have always loved the cultural differences. My hesitation is a combination of stress here, while trying to go between the two places to finalize stuff in both locations, and a little fear of being back in a bigger location.

We are going from a county of under 7,000 people to one that has more than 49,000 people. Size wise, it's like moving back to the county I was born and raised in. I have no doubt I can do it, and that I will do just fine. It's just the intimidation of too much time between talking about it and actually doing it. When you rent a house, it's a little easier to just pick up your life and go. Owning and trying to sell a house here, and trying to get closed on one in our new area is taking more time than I am comfortable with. I guess that comes back to my own "no roots" thing.

I am hopeful that once we get settled down there, and get into a new schedule, that the stress of the last several years will slip away...eventually. I have high hopes for our move, and I really hope I am not disappointed. I have some great plans for once we get moved and settled in. I can only hope that our family bond just continues to grow stronger. My own ridiculous fear of the unknown, is not something I have ever dealt with before. So, this has been a personal challenge to me. Facing my own fears, and hesitations is something I have yet to manage; but so many of them are unfounded. I know I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to, but fear has become an irrational thorn in my side.

I will keep going, just as I always do. I have no doubt there will be days that kick my ass, but I know I have some great friends that will just keep pushing me to keep going. They have been instrumental to me, to this point, in the reminder that I am never alone and they are just a phone call away.

Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Salli

Feeling Overwhelmed

I really need this reminder a lot lately! Trying to juggle everything is really taking its toll on my stress levels. Knowing all the positives that are awaiting us, is not helping. After several years of negative energy around us, being able to see such amazing possibilities is like dangling a carrot in front of me.

We have our house for sale, a contract on the new house, a new job patiently waiting, and a completely different life style just outside arms reach. I'm already tired of tripping over boxes, not being able to clean the way I want to because of boxes everywhere, and feeling completely unsettled is about enough to make a saint crazy!

We've had some interest in our house here, but nothing set in stone. It's become a hassle to try to keep the house presentable while trying to pack, still live here, and keep our lives going. We are nearing the end of the kids school year, and that will take a few hours each day off of my schedule, but keeping up with meals, cleaning, dishes, laundry, and packing is still making me exhausted! We have about a month until our closing date on the new house...and that is pushing the need to sell our house, even more trying.

5 days ago, I ended up sick. Yes, stress absolutely, triggers illness in me. If I get sick...there is a lot of stress in my life. I am still struggling to get through each day before running out of energy. Feeling so crappy, with so much to do, just doesn't coincide. Hubby has 2 weeks left of his current job before his new job begins, and we are looking at having to temporarily divide our lives until this house sells. I am not happy about this. It's hard enough doing what we've been doing for the past 2 weeks, let alone living 400 miles apart, while making the transition.

I know everything will work itself out, eventually, but in the meantime...it's going to be a big, giant pain in the ass! We are making changes to what little we have to sell, in price...but not willing to just give this stuff away either. I really do not understand how or why, people willingly move or buy/sell homes!

With all this said, I am positive we are making the necessary changes. I'm certain we are making a positive step forward for our family, and when all is said and done, we will be able to find what we need. Until then, the stress is weighing on me. I've been packing the non-essentials, but it's time to finish packing. I have been patiently, waiting for the point that we need to only have bare essentials out. The time has come. With just 4 weeks until the closing of the new house, it's time. It's time for simplicity!

I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I am mentally overwhelmed! Designating jobs that need done, doesn't seem to be working, so I suppose I will grab my DayQuil, take a few deep breaths, and do what needs done. I have just a few weeks to have this house and sheds packed up and ready to move, and it's not getting done while I bitch and moan about it. So, I am off to run a few errands today, and get some packing done, while teaching my kids, fixing meals, paying current bills, keeping the laundry pile manageable, and keeping the realtor and new bank in the loop of what's going on and keeping our new paperwork moving smoothly.

Keep me in your prayers and good energy, that I will be able to manage the stress without any more or serious illness, that everything needing sold/finished will be done, and that our coming month of travel and divided lives will give us a springboard to much better things.

Salli

It's Official

For someone who has a need to talk, and effectively communicate, having to keep quiet is one of the hardest things I ever have to do. When life is good or bad, I need to talk through my thoughts. That is how I handle everything, and deal with my own anxieties and worries.

I am one those who actually think. I think and consider almost everything possible. My brain is constantly running at 110, with a million thoughts. I analyze absolutely everything, from every possible angle. For me, making friends...real friends, is difficult. I need to be around people that I find intellectually stimulating. People that are more eclectic or free spirited. People that aren't judgmental, or closed minded. The people I seem to gravitate towards are the ones that can make me laugh, that aren't annoyed by my sometimes too analytical mind, or people that are following their own paths despite what others may say. The closest friends I have, know that I have a weird sense of humor, and that my moods vary by the minute. They know my heart, my deepest secrets and all my flaws....but as I do with them, they love me anyway.

The past few years, we have taken several hits in our life. From the passing of great friends, loved ones and even divorces, to the financial and relationship areas as well. My own perspectives have been challenged at almost every turn by those who I have held in the highest regard. Having differing opinions is not an issue. I am not so closed minded that I won't consider other opinions...however, being belittled and looked down upon because I choose to NOT to follow the norm, sends me into isolation. With all the different issues, came a world of loneliness, I had never known. While the idea of uprooting our lives, leaving behind some very dear friends once again, and moving to a place completely unknown is intimidating...it's necessary. It doesn't stop my mind from spinning into the "what-if's." I can be friendly, cordial, and nice. I'm not a fake though. I am not someone that has a lot in common with others. I think too much, I don't lie and won't lie for anyone, I have a passion for nature and my Native American roots and I am not typical.

Relocating to a place I am not familiar enough with to have an opinion on, has been both exciting and terrifying. The hope of the life I want, the financials being much better met, and an area big enough to not only explore but to learn new knowledge from; is the few areas I can hope for. The logistics of relocating from one end of a state to another, has been overwhelming. Having never dealt with real estate agents, banking institutions I have never stepped foot into, paperwork out my nose, planning, packing, roughing out new budgets, learning basic geographical information, all while still keeping up with current financials, kids schooling, laundry, meals and dishes here...I'm exhausted! Sometimes, knowing that things have to change, will cause you to be willing to do whatever is necessary. To make the sizable changes, we are about to embark on, has caused me to a litany of adjectives that I will sum up as, overwhelmed.

We are relocating almost 6 hours down state. The logistics of a simple move, with just a household is easy. Throw in livestock, farming equipment, and other animals...and you have a nightmare! Sure, we could eliminate the livestock, and even the farming equipment...but I am not willing to give up either. There are some parts of living in the country so long, that have found their way into my heart. My horses, and my son's cow, are like family members now. The tractor my son loves, is something else I won't allow to be taken away either. This relocation is all about making some sacrifices to allow our family to stay as one unit, and hopefully grow stronger. It's about my husband making not only enough money to allow him to enjoy life, but also to relax some instead of watching his health constantly because of stress. It's about allowing our family, to dream and grow. It's about expanding our horizons, and knowledge. It's about building a family bond that is once again strong.

Over the next 3-7 weeks, I know there will be plenty of stress while we finish packing, and get the final plans in place. I also know, that by the end of Summer, we will have a complete fresh start. A chance to begin a new life, in a new area, and hopefully with more positives than negatives! We have discussed this move for a couple of years now, and my answer/thoughts, have remained the same. Where ever my husband needed/wanted to go, we would go. I am holding on to a thread of hope, that our relocation will be all that I envision it to be.

Now, that we have told the most important people in our lives, it's official. We are on a bit of a schedule to sell our current home, so we can close on the home we now have contracted in our new location. My husband has a new job waiting patiently for everything to iron out. Now, I will be packing up our home, finishing the kids school year, and any other paperwork that needs completely.

Stay tuned, friends. I know I may miss several days of blogging, but I'm sure I will need my outlet a lot over the coming weeks.
~S~