Time is such an amazing concept. When life is happening, time can feel never ending, or flying past at a break-neck speed. While days can drag on for what feels like years, months can slip away as a single second ticks by. While we all have the same 24 hours in a day, it's those hours that we use, that make the concept of time what it is. When we are laughing, loving, and using every minute to the fullest; our concept of time flies past us. When we are tired, stressed or worrying; time drags on.
These past 3 months have been dragging on for me. I have been worrying, stressing, and tired. I have struggled with the concept of being on my own with my kids. I have had to relearn the concept of independence and being alone. While I am still very married, and miss my husband terribly; we have had what a friend referred to as a practice divorce. Living 2 separate lives, in 2 different ends of the state, with weekend visits every 2 weeks. I can tell you, it sucks! While I haven't had the added stress of a full-time job, I kind of have. I have continued with my regular activities: laundry, dishes, meals, housework, and schooling the kids. I added to that already busy schedule: helping with the yard work, doing the leg work of trying to sell our home without a real estate agent, getting animal feed, researching new homes in an area I have no clue about, and juggling finances for 2 separate lives.
It's been an emotionally trying time for me, as well. While our separate lives were only supposed to last about a month, it has drug out now and we are coming up on 3 months. At first, it was difficult but tolerable. We knew we had a plan and that there was a house that was spoke for, and that we were sure our house would sell rather quickly to one of our Mennonite neighbors. What we didn't consider was that by only selling the house and half the acreage, it would eliminate most of the interest, immediately. Then we ran into the local realtors conflicts with the fact that we still lived in our home, and had animals on site. Let me tell you, living on acreage, means there will be animals. It annoyed and pissed me off. Anyway, learning the real estate game, has had a huge learning curve I never want to deal with again!!! I can tell you, what the appraisals tell you mean absolutely NOTHING, when there are not buyers! When you have a home to sell, it could be worth half a million in numbers and on paper, but if buyers aren't willing to give that, it's worth not even a penny. As time has worn on, I have learned more, talked to tons of people, and had the eye-opening experience of seeing through a different perspective; I have learned one big lesson. REAL ESTATE IS ONLY WORTH WHAT SOMEONE IS WILLING TO PAY FOR IT! While our rough appraisal has our home and 12 acres over $185,000 in value, the actual worth(the highest price we have been offered) is A LOT less. I personally, am at the lowest price I will take for this property right now. I would rather see it sit empty, and not sell it, than to go any lower. Yes, it has caused us to lose the home we had on contract, it has caused my husband and I to live separately for 3 months, and will begin causing major problems if something isn't done soon; but I refuse to just give away something that is worth well more than the current asking price.
I have come to hate the real estate game. Once this go-around is finished, I will not be doing it again. It's not worth the hassle, the headache or the chaos it causes! The constant roller coaster of showings, offers that wouldn't even pay for the mailbox post, and the constant search for a new place to call home is just not worth it. If there were jobs that paid decent in our area, we wouldn't be going through this. Since there isn't, we have had this major learning experience. While it has helped me, personally, to learn that I can still do everything I thought I had forgotten; it has also reminded me what I expect from my relationship.
Relationships are not always beautiful, and not always simple. As my friend called it, this practice divorce, has opened my own eyes. It's reminded me of not only my value, my weaknesses, and dreams but it has also reminded me of what I want from my relationship. What I expect, if you will. Being married is a joint effort. It requires adjustment to two different people trying to co-exist. Ideally, before marriage, you iron out your differences and expectations of each other; even if you have to alter them along the way. Once again, ideally, you communicate and voice opinions freely, and don't take each other for granted. Ideally, you have a great relationship. Now, in real life, shit happens. People are constantly changing, needs change, and so do circumstances. You begin taking advantage of each other, usually without realizing it. You aren't trying to win each other over anymore so it becomes easier to just forget what drew you to each other to begin with. Communication becomes surfacey stuff(weather, work, kids) and less about hopes, dreams and each other. Since I am guilty of this myself, I can tell you from experience, once you have kids...it's even more important to make time as a couple. Having time to just be the two people that began a relationship, without having to be mom and dad too, is more important than I could ever express. Taking time, even once you are married, to still date each other, is worth its weight in gold! More times than not, unless you are in a relationship that is materialistically based, it's the littlest things that mean the world to each other.
For me, those little things can make or break a relationship in a hurry! For example, good morning texts, little notes left to find when the other person isn't around, opening a door for me, remembering my favorite flowers/colors, a surprise date, and yes, even those occasional surprise gifts just because; these are things that keep you connected as partners. Thinking of the other person, when they aren't around and doing little things when you are, can change so much. As you spend more time together, it becomes very easy to take your partner for granted. It's easy to forget that just because your world may revolve around your partner, theirs may not. It's easy to forget that both partners have full-time expectations, and being respectful to their needs is necessary!
In my own life, I didn't realize how much I had come to depend on my husband until this insanity began with his new job and selling our home. I took for granted that he would be home every night, that days I was overwhelmed he would be there to talk me through whatever stress I was dealing with, and even the fact that he would be there to help with the kids in the evenings. Instead, since all this began, I have gotten to see my husband for about 3 days each month for going on 3 months now. Our conversations are limited around whatever schedules he has established in his life there, usually limited to a few minutes after he gets off work and then sometime around bedtime for a short time. Then it depends if our shitty cell phone carrier service works or not. When he's home, it's rushing around to get stuff done that needs done, or stuff that we can't do while he's gone. Our conversations are all over the place while trying to cover what has to be covered, the kids wanting to spend time and talk to him, and other interruptions of visiting and phone calls. I have learned a lot over the past few months. Knowing that I have been married for 17 years, and even though there have been really bad periods in that time, I think we have been strong enough to handle this separation. I just pray that it's over soon, and never happens again!!!
We are finally making a decision that is not ideal, but will work temporarily. We have bought a camper, arranged a place to park it, and will be making a house payment and rent payment, until our home sells. It will allow my family to be complete again, and hopefully make some memories. Since the harvest season is rapidly approaching, I knew that going 2-3 months of not seeing my husband would not work, it was time to make some decisions. As difficult as it will be, it would be harder if we were to keep on the same path. As we set off on yet another unexpected path, I can only hope for the best. I firmly believe that the Universe guides our paths, and when things are meant to be, they happen. When they are not meant to be, the Universe causes obstacles to prevent what is not meant to be.
So, now the real chaos begins. Making a temporary plan and packing to fit in a camper, finishing up the packing of the house, getting animals moved to their temporary homes, and getting my family back to one location. Our extended camping extravaganza is about to begin. Wish us luck!
Salli
