I'm sitting here at 8:30 on a Saturday morning with my mind moving a million miles a minute, as always. The past 2 months of experiencing life, as I have, has proven a challenge. I'm used to being with my kids 24/7, so that hasn't been a big adjustment. I'm used to cooking, doing dishes, laundry and keeping up with the finance, still not a challenge. The challenge has come in with everything else that has been thrown in my lap. Keeping our house show ready with us still living here, keeping up with all the fliers I put out to sell our house in 4 counties, keeping up with meeting people and showing our house, dealing with our realtor and bank that are 400 miles away, keeping up with animal feed runs, helping my oldest with yard work, and hearing all about how great southern Missouri is...has been the challenge.
I'm a little overwhelmed, and tend to get a little pissy about all the extras. The kids and I bust ass every day to keep up with everything, the kids have been the ones to see me emotionally fall apart, and they are ones I worry about every minute of every day. It's been long enough now that I am adjusting, and my emotional melt downs aren't sadness anymore...they are frustration and anger. While I am 100% still married, I'm a 3-day-per-month wife. The rest of the month, I have to settle for good morning texts, most of the time short phone calls before bed and other short calls occasionally during the day either for an issue or to log some expense into the checkbook. Sure, it's hard to find a lot to talk about every single day, but when you have no other adult communications, even talking about nothing of importance, is missed.
It gets pretty lonely, pretty fast. I love my kids, but there are just some conversations it's nice to talk to other adults. It's been irritating to know that the interest in our house is higher than most realtors have by listing it through them, but again...it still has not sold. So, with my beliefs, that means there is something else involved. Some greater barrier that is there to figure out, so we can work past it. What that is, I'm not sure!
Since everything has been hinged on selling our house, I thought maybe we were priced too high. 3 different realtors said that was not case. So, that has left my mind to exploring other issues that may be in place. By not getting our house sold, that meant the contract we had on a house down there was basically dead in the water. Were we not meant to be in that house, were there underlying issues that we didn't catch? Was my own person growth needed and still need more of? Was this is a test for my marriage? With my own self-pity, or that's how I feel, I wonder if this wasn't a big test for my marriage. Was this a grand design to bring out the truth path of it? Was I so far off path that this way the only way the Universe could get my attention to say, "hey! Pay attention to how this is being handled." Who knows what the reasons are for all the grief I have dealt with the last 2 months. All I know is that it's taught me a lot.
You all know the massive awakening I have experienced the past few years. The ups and downs of dealing with past hurts, realizations that have come about, and accepting that I have become so much less than what I want to be. These past 2 months have reminded me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Even though it's been complete insanity, I have done it. I have found ways to accomplish what I need and want to do, I have reconnected with my own spirituality, and I have been here for my kids just as they have been here for me! I have learned to recognize when my anxiety is starting to run, and have kind of learned to control it. I have found ways to deal with not having someone to just talk to everyday, even if it is just through messages. I have managed to stay on top of all the extras thrown in my lap, even if not done to my normal standards, it gets done.
While I know that at some point, everything will work out the way it is meant to, I still get frustrated. I get anger that I have to deal with all of this, but I guess it keeps me busy and gets me through many long days. I'm tired of the real estate game, both buying and selling! I despise not having a game plan, or even a direction to go. I am a person that needs action. I need to know what I am working towards. With all the chaos and stupidity lately, I don't have that end game that I need. So, I am taking steps to get there. I have stuck with the original game plan, doing what I think is right, and it's gotten me nothing but headaches! I have listened to advice, put some of the better tidbits into play, and I'm no closer than I was 2 months ago. The difference now is that there isn't even a house to dream of at the other end.
As of right now, my husband is living 400 miles away, and has begun the new life we were all looking forward to. While the kids and I are still here, in the same life, we have had for 3 years of hell. The only difference is that the finances aren't quite as tight, but now they have to be split between 2 households. We get every other weekend visits for 1 1/2 days, and it's not working anymore. So, now I'm making changes to this stupid game. With the help of 2 people that I have asked for help, we are opening some doors. I'm going to attempt to reset my attitude, and lose the negativity that has riddle me for awhile, and I'm going to move forward. One way or another.
I believe I had to get to this mindset, set some solid goals; to be able to get the ball rolling. I'm angry, frustrated, and my attitude now; is determined. I'm emotionally drained, my soul is tired, and I refuse to let anymore of this stress cause me anymore aches, pains, headaches, or weight loss! I deserve more this, and so do my kids! If the house is the issue, I will do what is necessary to get it sold. If my own growth is the issue, and I'm meant to stay on this path, I guess the house won't sell until I learn what I am supposed to. I just hope that everything moves fast enough to keep from causing my kids any more tears and hurt! I will deal with whatever I have to, but they deserve more and they deserve to be happy.
So for now, I'm going to cleanse my soul, smudge my house, pray, meditate and do whatever I can to move us forward before all is lost. A new day has dawned for me, in many different aspects. It's my game plan now, my way.
Looking forward to that light at the end of a very long tunnel!
Salli
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