I decided to write today. I suppose a coffee chat post, will be the best description of this post. With all the chaos my life and family has experienced since April, my nerves are shot, my patience are gone, and the longer this drags on the more resentful I am becoming. This move from one end of the state to another, is one of the best decisions our family has ever made. However, we roped ourselves with purchasing property here, and trying to live a simpler life. Life is so many things, but simple is really not a word I would use to describe it.
Life is amazing, beautiful, complicated, full of chaos, and truly a beautiful hot mess. It can also be challenging, hard, demanding, testing, and exhausting! So many people are quick to say, life is what you make it. I agree with that, but it's also harder when you aren't equipped to handle it. Whether that be mentally, lacking knowledge, and/or prefer looking to the past or blaming everyone or everything else for your own weaknesses. My own weaknesses and strengths have been put to the test over the last 7 weeks.
Deciding to move 400 miles away, will potentially have not only major financial gains for my family, health saving benefits for my husband, and with any luck, relationship strengthening for us too. We are all getting frustrated with the length of time it's taking to sell our place, and the tire kickers that have to view our home never to be heard from again. Then we have a large population of Mennonite families that have also shown major interest, but they work in their own ways, so we have no idea what's going on, on that front. Local realtors aren't interested in selling much outside of city limits, unless it's a large acreage, and I've already done all the leg work they would have done...so, I refuse to pay them the outrageous commissions they are asking. Although, I am ready to live in a damned tent, just to get my family back into one place...and let this place sit empty until it sells!
I have been the authoritative person, in this house for 7 weeks now. I'm the one attempting to handle the finances both here and for my husband 400 miles away. I'm the one running through 4 different counties updating fliers, talking to people, getting all the food and supplies we need here, and showing the house whenever someone gets the inkling to view it. I'm the one here, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, and attempting to keep our house show ready at any given moment. While my husband is 400 miles, working his tail off trying to better himself for our family, getting established, and anxiously awaiting our family being together again, as well. He can't be here every weekend, it's too expensive to drive back and forth, and his job requires some weekend hours too. So, a lot of what needs done here, falls to me and our kids.
When I get too overwhelmed, which is happening a LOT lately, my mind starts falling into some pretty dark places. For someone who has virtually stayed away from people for most of 5 years, my people skills are pretty rusty! I'm an odd duck, to most. I don't think or behave conventionally. I think for myself and most of my thoughts run deeper than most have knowledge to understand. Needless to say, I don't have good people skills to start with! I love to visit with people that are highly intelligent, and make me think of different perspectives. So, when I see or talk to people that don't fit that bill...I have a hard time relating. Having met and become friends with some of our Mennonite neighbors, was truly a blessing for me. I've heard so many refer to them as too simple or not smart. This couldn't be further from the truth!!! These are knowledgeable people, with good morals and values, they are hard workers, and honest as the day is long. I admire their lives, their wisdom, and their ability to stay grounded in their beliefs.
My coping ability is weakening, but it's still intact for now. My impatience, however, is in full swing! I've dealt with more anxiety the past 7 weeks, than I can remember for a long time. I hate being in this house, without my husband here. Being so far away from civilization keeps me on edge. We have a neighbor that concerns me, and even though our household is armed, I don't like being here alone with the kids. I love nighttime, but don't like the darkness out here, by myself. Aside from the house showings, I don't see many people. Not having another adult to talk to is very lonely. Even talking on the phone, is not the same as actual human contact. At the same time, I'm not always the best company, since my emotions seem to be on a damned roller coaster anymore.
So, as that emotional roller coaster took it's toll on me the last 2 days, I woke up this morning ready to take on the world. I'm angry that I'm stuck in a situation that is causing me so much stress...but at the same time, I am strong enough to handle anything, with the right support. I don't need negativity thrown at me, I won't listen to guilt trips, and I don't need anyone putting more stress on me, that has nothing to do with me. I have enough of those dark thoughts of my own! Having true friends that are willing to tell me their real perspective, without just telling me what they think I want to hear, is the best gift ever! Having family that checks on me, reminds me who I am, where I can from, and what I have accomplished; is a blessing. Then you have those that are more than friends, but not blood related, that I consider family. It's those amazing people that have reminded me that not all family, is chosen for you. Some of them, you get to choose for yourself.
Today, I am changing some rules. We have spent 4 months handling things how we thought was the "right way." Today, I'm taking those rules, and flipping them on their head! I'm handling things, from here on out, the way I feel is the best way. I'm giving this whole situation 3 more weeks to get done, and then I'm gone...one way or another! I am not going to allow distance to tear apart my marriage, I'm not going to allow two separate households to destroy our finances any further, and most of all...I am not going to silently sit by while I watch my kids crying and hurting because they miss their dad. We know where we have to be financially, to sell our house. I know that I am not willing to dig ourselves any deeper in debt or lose the home we have on contract either. Our lives have been put on hold for too long already, the feeling of chaos is beyond old, and it's time to start anew, start fresh in the life that we will have in our new home. It's time for my rules, my way, and to make shit happen!
Sal
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