Bending...

There are times you feel like a tree in the wind. You keep bending, and hear the cracks that make you believe you will break; then the winds calm and you have managed to stand your ground once again. With so much negativity, and minimization in the world today, it's important to be strong enough to withstand those winds.

So many people today, are quick to judge and minimize the life and issues you face. They compare your life to that of someone else or belittle you for having an opinion or situation you are trying to handle. What they don't understand is that each of us face so much more than most realize. By degrading or judging someone's life, that you don't understand all aspects of, they end up looking bad, themselves. Especially to those that do know the entire situation.

As a country, it's in a complete uproar. So many believe their lives are more important than others. Then you have a political game of baiting race, gender, sexual preference, and financial status against each other. It's sad. It makes me wonder where morals, ethics, and a genuine care for your neighbor went to. No one alive today is responsible for what happened over 100 years ago. Those alive today, should take responsibility for the lives they are choosing to live. End of story. By placing blame on everyone else, they are neglecting to allow themselves to become better.

However, just as all levels of society seem to be slipping, personal responsibility seems to be something lacking everywhere. The judgments, belittling, degrading, baiting, and minimization seems to begin at local levels. Everyone is only concerned about looking out for number 1....themselves. They don't care who they have to step on to get to the top, even when they aren't qualified, they believe they "owed" something. You have children that are bullying other children, but when the children being bullied fight back they are punished. When I was growing up, we were told to fight back, don't throw the first punch but you better throw the last! Families are being stretched and torn apart, due in part to the extreme expenses. What was once considered the way of life; husband worked, wife was home taking care of the kids and home, has now become both parents working(sometimes 2-3 jobs) just to make ends meet in the middle. Rather than the advancements in our world making our lives better, they have drive society as a whole, into broke and chronically ill territory. While I agree that women should have a right to work and make equal pay for an equal job, I think it's pathetic that one income can no longer support a family. I think if there was a constant parental presence in many children's lives, we would not have gotten to the point we are today.

While I am not writing today to discuss society, it does play into this blog, to some degree. Right now, my husband and I are selling our small farm, and relocating, to allow him to have a better paying job. While he has had to leave already, everything at our current home has been firmly thrown into my lap. Although I do almost everything, anyway, there are areas that I don't. Plus, now you have the added headache of trying to sell our home, pack, organize a long distance move, juggle two household's finances, and other outside situations that I do not want to deal with! We have spent the better part of 15 years, living on one income. Although there are times it has gotten really tight, it is what works for us. When we started to see that one income diminish, and we were running right on the red/black line in the finance department, we knew something needed to change. I would love to say our household ran like a finely tuned machine, but it doesn't. We have been married for almost 17 years, together for 18. We have seen some very trying times. You can't put 2 people who are very stubborn and set in their ways under one roof, without some major complications. When you start throwing in outside sources of stress, it adds even more stress to an already troubled relationship. It ended up after 4 years of marriage, to cause a period of 6 months of divorce. We were able to overcome those times, to be where we are today, but the outside sources of stress and tension, have been increasing once again. Some are manageable, while others are the same shit, different year. Our decision to relocate, although super stressful, had more bonuses for me than set backs...until right now. Being over 300 miles from our extended families(both of them), would allow less interference and the ability to live our lives without that stress. The job market is so much better, the area is big enough not to be so gossipy, and it would give me a chance to show my kids that there is more to life than our current area is capable of seeing. It would also, and just as importantly, give my marriage a chance to succeed.

With all that being said, living in 2 separate households, 400 miles apart, was not how I envisioned that chance. While we agreed that what we are doing was what had to be done, it does not allow our family to grow as a unit. He has been able to start that fresh life, and I am stuck here dealing with all the bullshit it entails. I'm kind of in an odd situation. While we have been buying our 25 acres of land, and paying a mortgage for our home; the ground still technically belongs to his family, until it's paid for. He decided to give just over half the ground back to the family instead of land locking their ground. That was ok with me, but that cut the chances of selling our property, the first week, immediately. Now, we are listing the house and 5 acres as a way to try to keep most of the ground in the family, but still have an option of selling an additional 7 acres...for now. This is very limiting for our feeble real estate market, locally. We live in an area that has a high population of Mennonite families. Ideally, selling our property to them, makes the most sense. Realistically, they don't use the internet, so communication becomes a massive challenge...and usually they want more acreage. So, now, you have the big dilemma. Do you chance breaking into their community long enough to try to sell by owner, or do you risk spending a small fortune to hire a real estate agent that wants to minimize your property to help their stats? Then you still have stress of separate lives, until it's sold, either way.

It's a giant mess, and headache. I will never go through this process again, I can promise you that! When I packed up my life 19 years ago, and moved away from all my family and friends, I did so, so that I could have a life that was mine. A life that didn't include negativity, snide remarks, degrading or belittling. I do not ask for help, and I do not depend on anyone else to take care of my children. My life is mine. The past 3 years, I have talked more openly about my life, than ever before. As I have learned more about who I am, and accepting that our families will not ever accept the life we have chosen, I have started putting up thicker walls, and withdrawing into a shell to avoid it all. I can honestly say, this move to start fresh, is a big one. If we can get it done. I'm discouraged, tired of the tire kickers, tired of being stuck on a farm I didn't really want to start with, and ready to be back in civilization. I have spent almost 17 years, living in small town USA, accepting the snooty attitudes because I am a transplant, accepting that there are still towns with fewer than 100 people, and letting go of absolutely every dream I ever had, in order to live this way. Sure, I love my gardens and a few animals, but being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is not my idea of a good time.

So, now I am going to venture into another day in hell, doing housework, preparing meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, packing, and talking to anyone that will listen about our house. Then tonight, I will talk to my husband on the phone, figure out a game plan for tomorrow, and fall into a stressful, exhausted sleep, just to start all over again. So for those who follow me on social media, please forgive me when I get a little beside myself in my posts. I will try not to be too negative.

Please send me a lot of good vibes! I need them!
Salli