Whirlwind

What an amazingly beautiful photo, and accurately depicts my life right now! The fury, chaos, and awesomeness of powers beyond our control; yet the peace building beauty of a rainbow, with the indications that everything will eventually be alright and full of possibilities.

It's such a whirlwind time for me. Packing up and selling a home, purchasing a new home, getting through all the paperwork and red tape of that, my husband accepting a great job offer and beginning that new journey but having to do it earlier than we can actually get moved, getting the entire move logistics organized to get all our belongings 400 miles away, and begin our new family adventure. It's a little overwhelming, a little exciting, and complete chaos! It has brought me a lot of turmoil, not just physically but also mentally.

We have done most of our organizing, job offers, and even our home purchase through email, phone, and really fast trips south. This is a whole new way of handling things for me. I really like the person-to-person contact, but that isn't always possible from 6 hours away. Learning the terminology of the real estate world and banking world has been a challenge. I can say, I have learned enough to get through. I am not versed or even an expert in either field...but I can say, I have learned enough to get things handled and in writing, the way I want them.

With all the chaos, has brought some major insight. Even though the last few years have been mentally draining for me, they have allowed me to grow as an individual. Learning that no matter how many times or how far away you try to push your individual personality, you can never truly wipe it away. It will come bubbling up, at the most inconvenient of times. I buried who I truly am, for YEARS! I'm talking almost 18 years. Although many have known I have a temper, no one I am around on a regular basis, has ever seen it. My own personality and character took a backseat to everyone and everything else. I buried myself, to fit the life I have been living. It's no one's fault or intention that it happened...it just did. It's really began to push to the surface since my daughter was born. As she has grown, her wild spirit and her lack of care for what others think is acceptable, has been bringing my own spirit back to the surface. Where did her wild spirit come from? Surprisingly, for many, she gets that from me. While she and I hit heads, I sit back in total awe, remembering my own spirit. Remembering when I was the "wild child" that no one could tame. The child that did what felt right, even when it went against absolutely everyone and everything else. The young adult that didn't put up with nonsense, refused to fit into anyone's mold, and was HAPPY! Sure, I never had a pot to piss in, or the window to throw it out of....but I was HAPPY!

One of the most amazing friends ever, just recently opened my eyes even more. During a conversation, she asked what grounded me. What would make me happy, and ease my stress. I told her about the things I had always done to release my stress and tension. It was during that conversation, that she made a comment that set me aback. Her comment, "well, you keep say you used to do this or that. You keep saying everything in past tense." After another of our long conversations, and her remarkable ability to cut through my bullshit; she opened my eyes. Everything I ever did, or ever was, I have buried and/or pushed aside, to fit a mold.

How the hell did that happen? I have always been my own person. I would say or do things that would make parents cringe, my friends would turn multiple shades of red, or just have everyone shaking their heads. When did I start letting what is perceived to be acceptable, over ride my own needs/wants or even personality? All I can tell you, it started just before I got married, and has been continued since. I began losing myself long ago, and all of that began bubbling back up just a few years ago. When I thought life had just gotten the better of me, it was my soul's way of reminding me that I am so much more than what I have become.

Five years ago, I lost one of the greatest friends possible. He always pushed me, to be the best "me" I could be. He was one of the few that could say, "Ok, Sal, cut the bullshit act, where is the real Salli?!" He saw through my smoke and mirrors. He was one of the few that saw the real me, and didn't let me hide behind that acceptable. He was one of the few, that it never mattered what I said, he was always there. He would call me on my bullshit, remind me that real me was worth getting to know, and would remind me with every conversation that anyone who saw or knew the real me, was truly lucky. He would bring me out of the shell I was living in, make me laugh until my sides hurt, we would have really deep conversations and every conversation always ended with him telling me, "I love ya, Sal!" He was one of those souls that was here until his mission was complete, but left a huge hole in the hearts of those who knew him when he was called to the other side, once again!

With his words always in my mind, and my heart, it's time to start remembering again. As the chaos of this relocation has twisted me inside out, I am reminded once again, there is not anything I can't do. Sure, it's a huge step out of my comfort zone. It's time to let my gypsy soul explore again. I can't be molded for long, and burying my true spirit has obviously caused me more turmoil than necessary. It's hard to break a comfort cycle that you have been in for years, but nothing is impossible. With a new outlook and possibilities, I believe it's time to reconnect with my spirit.

While our whirl wind of chaos will be temporary, the journey back to my true self will continue. Happiness is an inside job, so even though my responsibilities will always come first, my own happiness must be taken in equal measure. The new area of residence is a lot bigger than our current area, and there are unlimited opportunities available. To find my own fire again, is surging through me.

I am trying to focus on the positives, even when a few negatives set me back. One area that is going to happen, unlike when we bought our current home, is that there will be a house warming party. There will be new adventures, and our family will learn how to maneuver this crazy adventure called life, and be able to enjoy it along the way.

Positive thoughts and energy from here, forward.
Sal