What an amazing morning of insight, meditation, and direction!! I thought I'd do a little coffee chat this morning to attempt at putting words to this amazing enlightenment. You all have been on this crazy journey with me, some for many years now. I believe it's time to open the flood gates.
It's been a long time, LOTS of years, building so many unhealthy defense mechanisms to protect myself that I have changed. Realistically, many of the changes were not in good directions, or even true to myself. I, sadly, allowed others to condition me into someone I was not. I changed, for a long time, slow enough that I didn't even realize how much until the last year and a half.
Growing up as I did, moving regularly was something my extended family did. The move my family made, should not have posed the challenge for me, but it did. It turned my world on its head. I learned early in life, not to get too attached, and also be ready to uproot and start over. I didn't realize how far or deep I had fallen. I've always tried to stay true to who I've always been, but I didn't. I let too many issues, cause me to spend my adult life constantly reacting. I neglected to adequately let life happen and splay out as it will. I bottled so much up, at some point began sugar coating what I needed to say so I wouldn't upset people, and have ended up becoming a ticking time bomb ready to explode over things that shouldn't matter.
About 5 years ago, my life began changing. I learned things about myself that have altered everything about me. While I am still learning how to deal with a lot of it, there are parts that have been nagging me to listen, and I guess the past week, my mind finally accepted or opened or something. The last 2 days have been almost overpowering in the clarity I'm seeing. So, I'm going to attempt to share what has become so blatantly in my face the last 2 days.
First, I'm sure you've all heard the phrase, " if people wanted to speak kindly of them, then they'd be kind to you." Well, I'm not a person to be unkind or name names, but there are just some things, that you have extract from your mind to make it clear. The thing is, for 19 years, I have been conditioned, so to speak. That's a difficult mold to break. Everything from being told you aren't good enough, told that you may be married into the family but you'll never be part of the family, being criticized for how I've chosen to raise my children, to belittled, bad mouthed, and members of the community believing the bullshit, until the had a chance to get to know me. That many year, and the constant manipulation of it; it breaks you down. You start believing the bullshit, you start doubting yourself and your abilities. Then something happens, and all of a sudden, you are thrown into a completely different life. One that you aren't hearing the bullshit on a regular basis. You are put into a position of being vulnerable to some degree since your mind is able to start filtering out all crap.
To some degree, I need to thank an Author friend of mine, for writing a book that introduced me to a concept that I once believed with my entire being...but didn't know it was actually a belief system. It's a Japanese view called Wabi-sabi. Here's the description: "In traditional Japanese aesthetics, Wabi-sabi is a world view centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete." In other words, it's finding beauty in imperfection, it's simple, slow, uncluttered and reveres authenticity above all. This view plays into my love of nature, grounding, and traditional Native American beliefs.
Once I learned this tradition, and allowed my mind to begin opening, so many of the negative feelings and emotions began sifting themselves out. Unfortunately, as we all know, the mind and heart tend to have conflicting reactions but meditation is helping me to find balance. It is also forcing me to deal with some rather difficult things that I've tried to bury, to keep peace and not ruffle any feathers. The hard part, is knowing that by keeping the peace, I've allowed my true self to be used, taken for granted, treated poorly and accepted a lot less than I want or deserve. I let my expectations slip away and settled for whatever I could get.
At one time, writing this blog, was meant to be a place where I could be real, honest, and not sugar coat anything...but that changed. I felt that I had to limit most of what was happening in my life, and only tell specific area that were upsetting to me. Writing was my outlet. It was real, and could eliminate areas of my life that were troubling me. I am someone who craves conversation and communication. I have to talk through my thoughts, to make them make sense. I needed to talk to someone that I trusted enough to help me filter through the crap and to be able to let things go. When I don't have that communication, it throws the balance of my life into a tail spin.
Through the years, as a young child, I talked to my dad about everything. We could talk for hours about anything or nothing. Then my life changed and I couldn't talk to him anymore. That bond, got broke. I struggled with that for years. I sadly, found several people that were not meant to stay in my life, and I struggled through that and didn't really have anyone that I could share my true thoughts with until high school. During those years, of not having someone to talk through emotions with, I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms. At that point in my life, I learned how to turn off emotions, not trust anyone, and not to open my heart to anyone because if you did, they'd let you down or abuse it. I got into the business world, and the cold shut off emotions came in handy, but I was not being authentic. Then I moved to a new place, in a new state. I wanted to start over, away from anyone that knew me and be able to find me again, and I did. I was doing what I wanted to do, being kind, working in an industry that was fun and fulfilling, and I was able to let go of hurts. Well, that begins the chapters of where I am now.
I can tell you that I do not believe in love at first sight. Although, I do believe in connections/bonds, immediately. I believe there has to be some sort of connection deeper than appearance, to even recognize the appearance. I believe our souls recognize other souls that are meant to be in our lives. The problem as I see it, is that we have to be willing to recognize and accept the role that people are meant to play in our lives. Romantic recognition has only happened to me once, but that was fairly short lived. For me, when a connection has been present, it's typically been one of communication. This means, when I find someone that I can talk to without judgement, or someone that can carry on conversations...I feel a connection. Does this mean that those I find a connection/bond communicating with are meant to be romantic, no, have they been, sadly, yes. The little experience I've had in the world of relationships, has been heart breaking. Each one were good people, but not one of them had been "my person." I had a connection to each of them, but there hasn't ever been the fairy tale description of a relationship.(I don't believe in them anyway!) I can say that when it comes to romantic relationships, my role models were divorced parents, one grandparent speaking for both herself and her husband leaving him without a voice, and a set of grandparents that struggled in life but managed to work as a team for their family. I've watch one aunt be married to her sweetheart for many years, one that had a "fairy tale" relationship until he passed on, and 2 that struggled through rough marriages to raise their kids, and then divorce and find their "forever person."
I have a pretty unhealthy view of marriage, not because my husband is a horrible person because he is NOT! He is a great man, hard worker, has always provided for the kids and I, and is an intelligent man. He's tried to be everything he can, to everyone, too. A good friend asked me a couple of months ago, what it was that drew my attention about my husband. At the time, I couldn't answer. I really had to think back to 20 years ago, when I first met him. What was it that stood out, and made me take notice? While I'm not sure exactly what it was, I can tell you some things that did. He was kind, happy, never caused problems, and we could talk for hours about anything or nothing. We had a lot similar interests at the time, have commonalities within our families, and he was respectful of me and to me. Through the years, our lives have been a series of events that have left both our hearts a little colder and my own a little less trusting, caring and open. I place a lot of blame on myself for allowing things and people that shouldn't matter, to make me into the person I've become.
That being said, I also recognize that just because of the horrible people and tests that have been in my life, does not mean that it can't change. As the phrase goes, these have just been chapters of my life, it's time to turn the page and begin a new chapter. There is so much beauty in imperfections, nothing will go unchanged, and nothing lasts forever. It's just the way our realities go. We work hard to do and be the best we can be, but still we need to accept that sometimes the Universe has to be pretty harsh to get our attention. We are too busy with things that don't matter, and too busy being busy to accept the simple, slow, uncluttered authenticity of who we really are.
My life has been a circus for years, but the last 2 have gotten worse. My marriage has been on the brink of divorce for several years. Just when we think we might be gaining ground, we have been kicked from multiple directions, the purchase of our farm has proven to be one thing we thought was positive but has proven to be the biggest mistake we ever made, trying to stay near my husbands family was a choice made that has bit me in ass at every turn, everything from trying to better ourselves to just trying to stay a float has torn at my soul. The move to southern Missouri was one that I had high hopes and expectations from. I knew 6 months before anything was ever said that this was our final chance, the make or break. It was the chance to be free from family knowing every move we made, free from having our farm held over our heads while I was eliminated from all conversations regarding it after my husbands grandfather passed away, and in my own eyes was the last ditch effort to either get our marriage on track or call it quits. I saw my marriage failing. There was no communication, no connection left. It became a comfortable room mate status, and my own resentments grew to monstrous proportions. By the time my kids and I actually got to southern Missouri, I had given my marriage, my husband and I, one year to fix it or move on. Sure there are worse situations I could be in, but having your entire life in uproar can be pretty overwhelming. Since selling our house has yet to happen, we've found that there's an awful lot of greedy, underhanded, manipulative, and down right ignorant things happening up there. While I have seen these things the entire time I've been around this family, sadly, they have turned within to start the bullshit with their own flesh and blood. I'm on the outside, have been from the beginning, so it's easy for me to see the games and manipulation going on. As upset as it makes me to see families treat each other so poorly, I'm relieved that I'm not in the thick of it. Many of the trouble makers have spent years treating me poorly, and I have no compassion for them. Honestly, I really don't feel much besides disdain towards them.
I have always been a caring person. Always given multiple chances, after being treated poorly, and would never spread rumors about anyone. I try to be completely honest, loyal to a fault, and respectful unless disrespected. However, at some point, I closed off my heart with great big, solid, impenetrable walls, and the kindness I had always tried to show...began disappearing. I have 3 people that I have trusted, 2 for over 25 years; with everything. No filters, and complete honesty. I am not an easy person to get close to, and I know this. I don't trust people, and unfortunately, I have built in lie detectors and I just can't tolerate liars. I struggle when people won't look me in the eyes, when they half-ass pay attention. I do not ask for much. I ask to be respected, not taken for granted, be honest with me even if it might upset me, don't tell me you are a friend if you're going to take anything I say and throw it twisted and tangled into the rumor mill. If you are going to love me, you have to accept me, all of me, not just what you want to see but ALL of me.
I will fight for the underdog, I will give many chances to undeserving people because I believe that somewhere, in everyone, they have good in them, I will bottle things up so I don't upset the delicate balances but know that at some point, I believe in communicating to build not only trust, but also a better connection. I love, love. Yes, I know, I don't believe in fairy tales or marriage, but I do believe in love. I believe it can be a beautiful, fulfilling and extraordinary experience. I love feeling free. Whether I choose to take off my shoes and run through the grass, go skinny dipping, or spend a day curled up with a great Melissa Foster book; I love freedom. I hate labels!!! That has become the new norm in our society and it's sickening. People are labeled for skin color, nationality, religious views/or lack there of, parenting styles, professional choices, etc. It's pathetic. We are all human. We all bleed red. We all have family and friends whom love us and we love them.
Since I'm certain that the current amazing path I'm on, is just beginning, I'm seeing some light. After nearly a year of constant bleak, dark and depressing feelings...it's so enlightening to feel some pieces of myself start to fall into place. It's releasing to feel some of the weight off my shoulders. It's refreshing to be able to reopen some lines of communication that I need. It's a starting point to build from and see what road the Universe has in store from this point forward.
Salli
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