Love Me

Even through the beauty of the season, I find myself falling further into what feels like a really dark place in my heart. Multiple stresses from so many different directions, has me in an emotional free fall. I feel so lonely, and taken for granted. I don't feel a connection in my relationship any longer, and it scares me.

I don't feel loved, respected or that I matter beyond what I can do for everyone else. No one seems to notice the stresses or cares to acknowledge me. Feeling so lonely, and when any conversations happen within my relationship they are guarded to avoid any more uprisings, arguments or hurt feelings. I can usually keep my own needs and my own wants of touch and bonding at bay, but that's not to say I don't want or miss it. I try to keep most of the negativity I feel to myself, but I know many times some slips out anyway.

I struggle through plenty of self image problems, and have since I was a kid, but those aren't the ones I struggle with now. Now, it's a struggle to not feel completely taken for granted, alone in the stress of juggling finances, kids, household stuff, and extended family stuff. I have become increasing withdrawn, again. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

So, in the attempt to empty a few thoughts; here is what I need to release.
There are days when I just want to curl up on the couch with arms around me that truly care. No groping or sexual intention, just to cuddle up. A time to just feel a bond of trust, friendship, and contentment. Some time to not feel like I'm inconveniencing anyone, not having demands thrown at me constantly, and not being made to feel like petulant child being ridiculed for something beyond my control. I want to matter to someone, not because of what I can do for them, but because I mean something to someone.

~S~