Life's delicate balance

After multiple attempts to write over the past several months, in attempt to make my life make sense, I've left so many drafts sitting unfinished. I thought about a venting session, another coffee chat, and even a pity party to help ease some of my stress. I can tell you, I really could vent about several different fronts I'm battling with, but I would rather just be who I am...open, honest, and just get through the billions of thoughts that race through my head hourly.

As I am sure you all know, my beliefs are truly unique. I pray at least once a day, I believe the Universe or higher power has a grand plan for us, but I believe we have choices in that plan. I believe in treating others with respect, and the Golden Rule. I've spent many years struggling against an extra set of emotions that I'm still learning. I've lost faith, and then refound it. I've fought with emotions, as they can be pretty close to the surface; and many times I've turned them off because I don't know how to deal with them. I let others treat me poorly, but I could never sink so low as to return that demeanor. I've always tried to take the higher road, and just walk away from things/people that have made me choose between the two roads.


There are times that my thoughts become pretty negative and my attitude gets pretty pathetic. I'm human, and I make mistakes...and make choices that I have to at the time. Sometimes, those choices allow me to feel something again...other times, I make choices that allow me not to feel much of anything. Other times, not feeling is the only way I can get through a day. I've learned through the years that emotions are as much of a delicate balance as life itself.

So, as the past 5 or so years have definitely given my emotional roller coaster a massive ride, there's been so many emotions. I can not say everything has been unbearable, although there have been moments, I've had some pretty large changes to experience and some pretty hard lessons learned. The hardest part of all these years, were just recently. I had always heard the phrase, "the straw that broke the camels back," although I've been stressed before, I have hit the bottom now. I've had too many battle fronts, too many issues, too many stresses, too many taking for granted what I am willing to do, and too many extra voices trying to uproot the balance I have to keep in this life I am living. So many believe their way is the only way, and that's their choice. Forcing your opinion on others is wrong, and insensitive. You don't know anything about the lives being lived behind closed doors, so do not be making judgement calls you know nothing about.

I live my life and make choices based on how things operate here. Not what others think, believe or anything else. 100% of every decision I make is done so, to do what is best for my kids, their well being(mentally, emotionally, and physicallly), their safety and their health. Decisions made that do not directly affect my kids, are made with research, some emotion, and a lot of thought. There are no rash decisions for me. I do everything I can to not only make the best decisions, but make those decisions that are tough because I HAVE TO! I can't push decisions off on anyone else.

You see, I have high expectations, and expect from others what I am willing to give. For me, that equates to being let down, a lot! For many years, I have given every ounce of my energy, emotions, and even given up on so many dreams and goals of my own; just so others can shine, achieve their goals, and dreams. While I have zero doubts that everything in my life has happened to make me the person I am today; I have hit that point of the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired of depending on others to behave as I would believe they should, and having my own expectations crushed when they don't. I have depended on others so many times and I've been let down, hurt, used or disappointed in the process.

My life has been such a delicate balancing act for so long, that I've become tired of balancing. I'm tired of the constant struggle. It's not been just with emotions, and attitudes. It's been finances, it's been relationships, it's been family and extended family, it's been losing/forgetting dreams, and the constant stresses have negatively affected my health. I've reached the point that I'm having to make a lot of pretty tough choices. I can't be the mom I want to be, when I'm constantly battling with health issues. I can't be the best "Me" with all the chaos. I don't know where life will take me, but I know it's time for life to not be so chaotic anymore. I can not enjoy life when I'm either thrown to the wolves, or constantly having to beg to get a little help, or I'm sitting waiting for someone else to do what they say they will do. Honestly, I'm just tired.

So, I'm moving forward. I don't want to feel this hurt or disappointment anymore. I want to feel, but I want to feel something good, something promising...not so much negative. I want to surround myself with people that bring out the best in me...not the stress. I don't want to hear constant negatives, constant nay sayers, constant issues...I want to laugh, those true laughs that have your sides and cheeks hurting. I want to be able to see couples in love, without having to look away because all you can think is ugh! Give that some time...it won't last. I don't believe in fairy tales, but being truly happy, feeling love, appreciation, feeling like more than just a venting post or battering ram for everyone, would be great. I have no problem listening to people, their issues and even sharing their happiness and excitements...the problem I have, comes in when I need to share, or bounce thoughts off of someone else...and no one is there to return the favor. When I am happy or excited about something, there aren't too many I know I can turn to. The biggest struggle for me, is I am always trying to help others, and it's so rarely returned.

I'm not sure who came up with the thought that "when you give kindness, it is returned to you ten fold," but I'm pretty certain they were smoking something they shouldn't be! I am no long everyone's beating post, door mat, scape goat, or cop out. I'm a pretty open book, if you bother to ask and actually hear. I can only be the person I am, and I am a horrible liar...so what you see is what you get.

As I attempt to get through the Christmas season, without the stresses of the Thanksgiving season...I wish you all the very best. I wish you all health, happiness and guidance through your own path of life. I pray that happiness, common sense and peace is brought to our communities, our country, our leaders and the world.

Merry Christmas and may 2019, be a blessed one for each of you.
Salli

Perfectly Flawed...

I am thinking and marveling about life lately. My life has become complete chaos for about the past 7 months, but through it all, I find little shreds of promise. Just when I reach a breaking point, something happens to give a little more strength and courage to keep moving. I'm given a little more wind in my sail to keep trudging along. Now, understand that there are so many areas of my life that are out-of-control...but I'm doing everything I can to hold it all together. Even if it's just being held by a single thread. I have days when I'm really tired and ready to throw in the towel. Then there are days, that I remind myself of what I've already been through, and set my mind to keep going. It gets pretty mucky in this brain of mine. When you have a million thoughts whirling through your head all day every day, it tends to make you a little frazzled.

If I have learned anything in nearly 44 years, it's that everyone is dealing with something in their life that is causing them stress. The thing I keep reminding myself is that a lot of the stresses we all deal with, is by our own design. Many will neglect to use good judgement, or will try to do what they can to either fit in with a crowd or to do what they feel they need to do. As a video I was reminded of yesterday stated, "we are taught to always look for the right answer, but sometimes the right answer is that there isn't one." What may be the right answer for one, won't be the right answer for another.

For me, I try to always do what I can, the best I can, and treat people with as much respect as possible. The problem herein, is that so many have lost respect, lost common courtesy, and lost the ability to be responsible for their own actions. I have personally been criticized for several aspects of my life, that honestly, left me second guessing my own paths. The thing is, while my choices may be odd, outdated, or even weird to some...they fit the life, the path and my personal choices that work for what I need and want. It's very demoralizing to be disrespected, criticized, and even verbally attacked. It becomes maddening when you are informed of how inappropriate some choices are, by others that have made their own bad/horrible choices, but refuse to see or fix their own. For me, I do my absolute best for my family, and I always will. They will always be my #1 priority. There are very few that I turn to for advice, or even to share my struggles. There is a reason for that as well...too many have already proven they can't be trusted.

The few that I talk to, are the few that I don't have to worry about running their mouths. They are the ones that have never given me a reason to doubt that no matter what I say, it will not go anywhere. Not to mention, they are the ones that even if we disagree, it is never disrespectful, it's never a battle. It's so much easier to talk about things, understand and respect differing opinions than to have a constant fight.

The past weekend, I was blessed to get some quality time with my kids. Yes, we spend most everyday together, but there is truly something to be said when you can change the scenery of normal life. Eight months ago, we moved back to our little farm/homestead after spending 2 years in the southern part of our state. Observing the past several years of our lives, I can really say that there is good and bad to every choice that has been made. We tried a new adventure when we went south. Although we had struggles, it was such an amazing experience. We got to meet some remarkable people, spend time with great friends, and learn a little about a different way of life. I personally was beginning to find my feet again, after many years of hard times. When the decision had to be made to return, it was truly bitter sweet. We missed our bigger house, our livestock, our space and our gardens. The part that has been a huge struggle for me, has been negativity that being here has been for many years. As I feared, coming back here, meant coming back to the drama I couldn't wait to be away from. While we were away, I finally felt as though I could dream, and see a light beyond all the drama and chaos. I was finally feeling a little more normal again, but as I remind myself regularly, things happen as they are supposed to.

Spending time with my kids, watching them take in bigger cities, the massive amounts of people, spending a couple days in a hotel, meeting new people...I was beyond proud of them. They took it all in stride. We laughed the entire trip down and back, enjoyed laughing in the hotel, and they were super helpful, well behaved, and well mannered. I got so many amazing compliments on my kids, I can't help but be proud of them. Even though it was busy, and a working get away...it was relaxed. It was, overall, a reminder that these 2 precious children are my life line. They are my world.

I managed to find some time for a little insight. I began writing in my journal again. While this helps to get some thoughts out of my head, sometimes it helps to get a grasp on what needs to be done too. The hard part for me is the constant need to be responsible and do what I feel is the right thing to do. While this may seem like a common thought, it's difficult with the multitude of stuff going on in my life. My days are pretty full. I am up by 5:30 every morning, I have the kids school work to get done, my work with a foundation that I love, keeping the house cleaned up, keeping laundry washed, cooking meals, managing groceries, trying to pay bills, and hearing from several on a regular basis about how much I'm doing wrong. The part that most forget is what I wrote about earlier, everyone is fighting their own battles...be kind!

We've been back here 8 months, of that time, we have ha an extra 3 people living with us for 3 1/2 months. While it's not been horrible, it's been stressful. Managing groceries and meals for 7 people, laundry for 7 people, managing extra expenses for utilities, hearing complaints, and arguments more than usual. So, the past weekends break was a good mental clearing one for me.

While I don't typically like for anyone to read my journals, they are usually pretty raw and uninhabited thoughts...my husband read at least part of the last entry. While I haven't had time to really visit with him, I'm sure it was eye opening. I have become very withdrawn the past several years. The past 2 or so, I can say I've been pretty numb. There have been too many hurts, too much drama, too much water under the bridges, and a lack of feeling too much more than anger and resentment. I want to feel something good again.

I am looking forward, and making plans for my favorite time of the year. I always try to make my home welcoming to anyone that visits, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...those are times I love to have the warmth of holiday decorations. I typically wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas, but this year, my daughter is as excited as I am....so we are decorating early. I love the kids excitement, their enthusiasm, and the absolute joy in their eyes! I refuse to curb that! So, this week, despite not having the Fall cleaning done, we will begin decorating. Since I am working so much more, I want to be able to do all the things I've enjoyed with my kids, without neglecting my other passion...helping Veterans.

I love the little gifts of insight when I need it the most. Every little stumble, or fall...I am getting back up. I may be ticked when I get up, but I'm back up and fighting my through them. Sometimes, I have to let go of what I can't fix, but I suppose that is the wisdom that comes with age and experience. While I am in no way feeling like I want to, I am feeling more in control of myself with each passing day. There will be setbacks, that's life, but I am just stubborn enough to never give up.

I hope everyone that reads this knows: You are a beautiful soul with your own chosen path in life. It may not make sense to some, but that's ok. I hope you will always do what is best for you. Remove those people and things that bring toxicity to your life, as best as possible. You can only go as far as you allow yourself to go. No excuses. Take responsibility, take charge and make the choice to do and be better...every single day!!!

~S~