After multiple attempts to write over the past several months, in attempt to make my life make sense, I've left so many drafts sitting unfinished. I thought about a venting session, another coffee chat, and even a pity party to help ease some of my stress. I can tell you, I really could vent about several different fronts I'm battling with, but I would rather just be who I am...open, honest, and just get through the billions of thoughts that race through my head hourly.
As I am sure you all know, my beliefs are truly unique. I pray at least once a day, I believe the Universe or higher power has a grand plan for us, but I believe we have choices in that plan. I believe in treating others with respect, and the Golden Rule. I've spent many years struggling against an extra set of emotions that I'm still learning. I've lost faith, and then refound it. I've fought with emotions, as they can be pretty close to the surface; and many times I've turned them off because I don't know how to deal with them. I let others treat me poorly, but I could never sink so low as to return that demeanor. I've always tried to take the higher road, and just walk away from things/people that have made me choose between the two roads.
There are times that my thoughts become pretty negative and my attitude gets pretty pathetic. I'm human, and I make mistakes...and make choices that I have to at the time. Sometimes, those choices allow me to feel something again...other times, I make choices that allow me not to feel much of anything. Other times, not feeling is the only way I can get through a day. I've learned through the years that emotions are as much of a delicate balance as life itself.
So, as the past 5 or so years have definitely given my emotional roller coaster a massive ride, there's been so many emotions. I can not say everything has been unbearable, although there have been moments, I've had some pretty large changes to experience and some pretty hard lessons learned. The hardest part of all these years, were just recently. I had always heard the phrase, "the straw that broke the camels back," although I've been stressed before, I have hit the bottom now. I've had too many battle fronts, too many issues, too many stresses, too many taking for granted what I am willing to do, and too many extra voices trying to uproot the balance I have to keep in this life I am living. So many believe their way is the only way, and that's their choice. Forcing your opinion on others is wrong, and insensitive. You don't know anything about the lives being lived behind closed doors, so do not be making judgement calls you know nothing about.
I live my life and make choices based on how things operate here. Not what others think, believe or anything else. 100% of every decision I make is done so, to do what is best for my kids, their well being(mentally, emotionally, and physicallly), their safety and their health. Decisions made that do not directly affect my kids, are made with research, some emotion, and a lot of thought. There are no rash decisions for me. I do everything I can to not only make the best decisions, but make those decisions that are tough because I HAVE TO! I can't push decisions off on anyone else.
You see, I have high expectations, and expect from others what I am willing to give. For me, that equates to being let down, a lot! For many years, I have given every ounce of my energy, emotions, and even given up on so many dreams and goals of my own; just so others can shine, achieve their goals, and dreams. While I have zero doubts that everything in my life has happened to make me the person I am today; I have hit that point of the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired of depending on others to behave as I would believe they should, and having my own expectations crushed when they don't. I have depended on others so many times and I've been let down, hurt, used or disappointed in the process.
My life has been such a delicate balancing act for so long, that I've become tired of balancing. I'm tired of the constant struggle. It's not been just with emotions, and attitudes. It's been finances, it's been relationships, it's been family and extended family, it's been losing/forgetting dreams, and the constant stresses have negatively affected my health. I've reached the point that I'm having to make a lot of pretty tough choices. I can't be the mom I want to be, when I'm constantly battling with health issues. I can't be the best "Me" with all the chaos. I don't know where life will take me, but I know it's time for life to not be so chaotic anymore. I can not enjoy life when I'm either thrown to the wolves, or constantly having to beg to get a little help, or I'm sitting waiting for someone else to do what they say they will do. Honestly, I'm just tired.
So, I'm moving forward. I don't want to feel this hurt or disappointment anymore. I want to feel, but I want to feel something good, something promising...not so much negative. I want to surround myself with people that bring out the best in me...not the stress. I don't want to hear constant negatives, constant nay sayers, constant issues...I want to laugh, those true laughs that have your sides and cheeks hurting. I want to be able to see couples in love, without having to look away because all you can think is ugh! Give that some time...it won't last. I don't believe in fairy tales, but being truly happy, feeling love, appreciation, feeling like more than just a venting post or battering ram for everyone, would be great. I have no problem listening to people, their issues and even sharing their happiness and excitements...the problem I have, comes in when I need to share, or bounce thoughts off of someone else...and no one is there to return the favor. When I am happy or excited about something, there aren't too many I know I can turn to. The biggest struggle for me, is I am always trying to help others, and it's so rarely returned.
I'm not sure who came up with the thought that "when you give kindness, it is returned to you ten fold," but I'm pretty certain they were smoking something they shouldn't be! I am no long everyone's beating post, door mat, scape goat, or cop out. I'm a pretty open book, if you bother to ask and actually hear. I can only be the person I am, and I am a horrible liar...so what you see is what you get.
As I attempt to get through the Christmas season, without the stresses of the Thanksgiving season...I wish you all the very best. I wish you all health, happiness and guidance through your own path of life. I pray that happiness, common sense and peace is brought to our communities, our country, our leaders and the world.
Merry Christmas and may 2019, be a blessed one for each of you.
Salli
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