A little coffee chat after a month of massive overload!
Amazing how quickly time flies anymore! Seems like just yesterday I was anxiously awaiting the start of summer, and here we are starting into October. How the heck did that happen?! Between last years wet fall and winter, this years wet spring and early summer...now we are into yet another start of a wet fall. It's hard to get much done around here in the mud! So much of our little farm is changing...once the weather allows. We have all the plans, it's just been too muddy or too dry to get it all done in a timely manner. Not to mention readjusting to all of us working, working around the public school schedule, and a host of other events.
As most the know me understand, I have to keep busy. me and boredom do not go well together. I love who I am becoming overall, but make no mistake...I have plenty of quirks, plenty of pet peeves, and sometimes a heart that is way too caring! I've been told more times than I care to count that: I over think, over love, over plan, and the list goes on! That is until my own cup is empty. Then I shut down. Essentially, my shut downs are a means of self-care, but they are also a means of taking a step back to re-evaluate any areas of issue. Last week, I found myself in shut down mode, with issue after issue piling up and for each issue I was able to make sense of solved....5 new ones were added.
I juggle a pretty hefty schedule every single day. My days begin between 4:30-5, one person leaves around 6, one around 7, and one around 7:30. My personal work schedule begins at 8, our home schooling begins around 10, lunch around noon, schooling from 1-3, taking calls throughout each section, 3-5 is more calls and working, then it's meal prep, everyone is home, housework, dinner, sometimes clean up(sometimes not), a little family time, then bed by 10 to be able to get up to do it all again. Keeping up with 6-7 schedules daily is a challenge that results in a calendar in just about every room, plus 2 that stay with me whenever I go anywhere. Absolutely none of the above scheduling has any of the actual farm work included. The guys typically keep up with the livestock.
When you consider that schedule, then throw in any outside additions or changes in plans, especially last minute and I'm left floundering.
Now, I can usually manage my own temper fairly well. That is until I have had too much ignorance or stupidity thrown at me. Then it becomes a test...and not an easy one. I have spent so much time trying to make life a little easier for so many people; only to have those efforts thrown on the ground and stomped on. I'd love to be able to just sweep those hurt and rejected feelings under the rug, and act like it does not affect me, but that's not me either. While most people can be completely oblivious of how their actions affect others, I'm not one of them. Again...over think, over love, over...EVERYTHING.
It took me years to accept that who I am is not a comfortable personality for most. I need conversation, I need communication, I need organization, I need consistency, and I need loyalty. I crave connections that based in those areas; with people that understand there are times a hug is worth more than a million dollars, that sometimes I will keep others at arms length for my own peace of mind, that I do not give 2 cents about what others think, that if I feel you have hurt or treated me badly I will withdraw from you, and even if it takes a lifetime...I will follow through with my word.
There are very few that I feel comfortable enough to share most of my life's events with. Those few have known me for 25 plus years. Most just get a watered down version. I'm not fake but most can't handle my truths. I understand and respect that. I'm more of an observer than being super social. People's actions, facial expressions and continued conversations tell a lot about who they are. The strange thing is that people don't realize that. Integrity, class and respect for self has been sidelined in this information overloaded era. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has a right but few take responsibility.
As each week I am fortunate enough to have video conferences with a great group of different healthcare providers, I have learned a tremendous amount of natural/holistic health areas. What has become a reoccurring theme though is how many different areas of health have become blurred. We have such a tremendous need for mental health but not in the current state. Mental health needs to begin at home, as children. It should be the parents job job to teach their children to care for themselves, respect themselves, have manners and class, and for the love of all things holy...stop the bullying. We have a large group of young people that never got their backsides tanned for lying, cheating, etc. AND IT SHOWS! We have such division among people for every possible difference there is. I grew up thinking that all the differences in people made them unique, remarkable and meant that every one was working towards their own goals...NOT that they were different, better or worse, good or bad. I was raised in a poor(monetary anyway) home, we didn't have the best of everything, but I never once envied someone that had more than me...I cheered them on! We were expected to treated everyone with respect even if we disagreed with them. I'm not saying life was perfect...quite the opposite. However, we had bullies to which we were taught to never throw the first punch but we sure as hell better defend ourselves. We had financial struggles and we worked through them. We had divorce, remarriage, and typical school age dramas...but we learned to cope. We didn't have the senseless violence, the off-the-charts rate of suicides, the complete lack of morals/values, or the serious lack of respect that is evident today. Had we behaved then the way some behave today....we would not have been able to sit for a week!!! Which is precisely what some need today!
We have raised a generation of young people that do not know how to cope. They expect everything handed to them, expect a pat on the back for everything, and have no work ethic. This does not apply to all young people but a lot. It's truly sad to see so many demanding so much yet being intolerant of differing opinions.
I will get off that soap box. Sadly, as much as conversation, communication and connections are important to me, I do not have much of any of them. Having your trust burned, tends to make you withdraw and with just a handful that "see" when I start that withdrawl...they reappear in my life to remind me that they are there. Having taken a week to try to replenish some sanity to my thoughts, I've found some answers and can now start a fresh week with a clear vision. Thanks to those that called last week or took time to actually help me get out of my own head!
