Coffee Chat

 

If you are someone that battles with anxiety/panic attacks...you will grasp the afternoon I experienced Saturday. It was ugly, it was draining and it royally pissed me off. I have done so well at controlling those feelings and not allowing myself to get drug down that rut. When too many things add up, too many things go wrong, and there is too much on your plate....it removes your ability to manage other things. Apparently, my overwhelm led me to not being able to talk my way out of panic/anxiety. It was truly ugly.

It began with a trip to St. Louis, to pick up our "Italian daughter." It's been a couple years since I have traveled very far from home. Even when I do leave home, I never get very far away. The past year has been the worst. That is a whole other story. Anyway, my husband was awesome, and got my vehicle ready - checking tire pressures, rotating tires, checking fluid levels, etc. We get started, and the tire rotation caused a vibration in the steering wheel. It wasn't too bad once you could it up to about 70, but lower than that...it was hard on my arms and back. I managed, but it wore me out. We get to St. Louis, 3 hours later, and I can't find the correct road to get to the parking area for the correct terminal. After 3 loops around, we finally find the parking garage - but I have no idea where to go - I ask the attendant who not so nicely tells me to get back into my vehicle(which he had ignored me until I got out to start with), by now her plane is on the ground and she is texting my son, I get to the garage only to find, I have no clue how to find her gate. I ask the same gentleman who happened to be at where I needed to go, he directed me to a pick up area. By this point, I am flustered and losing my shit in a hurry. My son obviously is going into the airport to find our girl, and I tell my husband to go with him. After a bit of attitude from him, they went in and eventually found her and her luggage. Then, we were leaving and the parking garage was my next challenge. I could not find my way. It was a whole of "do not enter" signs, there were signs to get to the exit but I was already flustered, had too many people talking in my ears, and a stupid GPS that kept talking too. It was my final straw. I was doing my best not to lose it, since I was driving. After finally getting out of that hellish parking garage, about missing my turn off to head back north, a very testy exchange with my husband, we finally get heading north. I decide to stop at a town called Troy to get something to eat, use the restroom, and breath a little. Of course, that ended up being yet another cluster. The food was good, the conversation was fun, and having her back with us is amazing. However, we got done and were leaving. I got distracted by the conversations and a few texts, and ended up leaving my purse. We get 12 miles down the road before I realize what happened. So, we turn around, after my husband calls the restaurant and they put it in the safe for me. Thank God those ladies were so amazing!! So, after about 100 extra miles of stupidity...we finally got home. I can tell you, I am so aggravated with myself. It's really frustrating to watch YEARS of retraining your brain, go out the window in a few hours. 

So, I believe today I will focus on my family, our home, gearing up for Thanksgiving and the lists of stuff I need to do. As I said, for those that deal with this crap daily - I truly send my heart to you. I did for a lot of years but learned how to train my brain and don't deal with it often anymore. I guess when I do have to...it will now be really overwhelming. 

S.

Need spark

 

 

 

 

It's very interesting to gauge and temper myself to fit into anyone's "proper box." I really don't want to be in a box start with. I like the idea of abstract thinking, thinking with my intuition to guide me, and those things that I can't make sense of get prayers sent over. It's a remarkable freedom to not give 2 cents to anyone else's opinion but it's also unsettling when you find yourself among so many that just want to comply or keep everything the same. I don't fit in a box....no matter how big it may be. 

 

I have spent years playing the "middleman," or referee for so many different things, that I'm just tired. I tried to keep my own balance, my own peace of mind, and my own space. That doesn't work when you are overwhelmed. Each year that passed, I lost a little more of myself, until I have reached a point of needing to grow. I used to called it being restless, but I don't believe that is what it is anymore. I'm content in most areas of my life, but I need something. Whether that be a little spontaneity, some relaxation, or who knows what. I just know I'm needing something. You need to understand that I am the least "needy" person I've known. I learned a long time ago, to never "need" anyone or anything. I don't depend on anyone, and trust is difficult for me. I'm usually pretty content to isolate myself to my corner of the world. I love my life, my family is my entire world, and our little farm is all about family - our family and my husband's family. While I was not blood, his grandfather always made me feel like I was. I was close to him. Anyway, I just truly believe I found what I was meant to do...at least my life style. 

 

I thought I had found something fueled my passion, and I did, but the politics involved did not sit well with me. I've got an opportunity to keep going in the same but different direction, but it has me concerned too. I don't do well with the drama, politics and limitations that seems to be involved in so much anymore. That is an area that just has to wait for now. I need to iron out some other areas.

 

The past 2 years have been a pretty massive struggle. I am not any different than a lot of others. For me, I've struggled with so much, in so many areas that I just shut down from most everyone. I guess that's just what I do...when I get overwhelmed, I shut out the world until I can find solid ground again. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling to find it. There's a constant flow of activity in my home and has been for most of the year. Things I have always done have become more trying. I love to celebrate everything I can in life, but so much resistance leaves me feeling defeated and deflated. Honestly, this year should be beyond exciting. I'm going to have all my kids home for my favorite holidays, my brother will be here...I should be over-the-moon excited, and I am. However, I'm also so overwhelmed, it's taking so much energy to not bite people's heads off. Honestly, no one is doing anything wrong. I am just in a weird spot.

 

Expectations.   I think for many of us, expectations are the root cause of many issues. We expect others to believe, think or feel as we do. When that is not the case, we get disappointed. Disappointment tends to come out as anger, guilt, or frustration. I can not speak for anyone else, but rather than voice my own expectations, I keep quiet. I fall back and just see how others will behave. When I don't push, I notice that the drive from others isn't there either. So, instead, I have to nag or throw a fit to get things moving, done or even started. It's simple things, like: emptying the trash when it's clearly overflowing, cleaning up a noticeable mess, or just offering/actually doing something to help; instead of creating more work on my shoulders. I have left housework, intentionally, to see if anyone would pick up the slack. Sadly, all I did was create more work for myself. 

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a rut anymore and I don't like it. I need to find my balance, my solid ground again. I guess until then, I will keep up the juggling act.

Coffee Chat

 

Ok, so I must say, I have so many thoughts racing through my head...it kinda reminds me of a Nascar track...when they still raced. These blogs have become a cathartic outlet for me, kind of like having a cup of coffee with a friend. You know those conversations that go on for hours, and "solve the problems of the world?!" Too many times, we forget the value of face-to-face interaction. I, for one, am very fond of my time alone but I also enjoy conversation with people that I consider friends. 

Today, is yet another day, when I want to talk about this racing mind of mine. I'm sure everyone has seen that meme on social media saying, "my brain is like have 2640 tabs open, half are not responding, and no one knows where the music is coming from." Well, ALL my tabs are functioning, and the music is quite intentional. While I love music, and a great beat is worth its weight...I'm a lyrics person. I relate to words. So, if I talk about a song, or share songs...I'm listening to the words. Sometimes, I have to give myself a kick start with some rocking music to find my step. Lately, I have needed music more. I need stuff I can sing along with, dance around to, and just lose myself in. It helps quiet racing thoughts...even if it's a temporary reprieve. There is only a few things I have found that help to quiet my mind, even if temporary - Music, nature, a few drinks, and conversation. I'm not talking about the surface conversations that so many have anymore. I'm talking deep conversations, that actually have meaning. There's very few that can have those anymore. So, today...my outlet is music. 

I'm trying to find some solid footing again. It became too easy to compartmentalize things for me...so rather than deal with them, head-on, I buried them. Let things roll off my back, while internalizing them and inadvertently causing myself more stress. I quit arguing a long time ago. I moved to a point of just listening to the storm blowing through, took a step back and basically, came to the conclusion of "whatever." I seriously HATE that exact word. It solves nothing, it makes whomever uses it sound less intelligent and caring, and it causes more damage than it solves. However, I'm guilty of using it...repeatedly! I became overwhelmed a LONG time ago. No one realizes the weight that sits on my shoulders every minute of every day. I don't talk about most of it! I can honestly say, there are 2 people in the world that I trust enough to open myself to those vulnerabilities. Being vulnerable is not something I care to show most. It's a position that leads to being taken advantage of or abused. No thanks! 

Lately, it seems I find myself on a pretty slippery slope. Some days are great, while others are not! I can't seem to find any time to just be. I'm constantly dealing with someone else's issues, someone else's energies, have people talking at me constantly, and/or someone demanding my attention. Taking a 15 minute shower, is not even a time for a few minutes of quiet. Last night, I finally made an effort to try to decompress and center myself. I filled my soaker tub with epsom salts, essential oils; lit a candle and had an adult beverage. I turned on some 432ghz music for healing, and meditated. I found calm for that precious time. However, stepping from that back into my life was fuzzy, at best. It was like waking from a dream, feeling calm yet energized...then real life jumped back in with issues, stresses and drama. I don't know how to climb out of this rut. I am in uncharted territory here. Pulling myself out of hard times, is what I have always done. This one feels different to me, and that maybe why I'm struggling. There is such a heavy pressure on my shoulders right now, it's getting hard to bare. 

I'm watching so much chaos in our country and that is playing heavily into my heart. I don't watch any main stream crap, and only a few alternatives now. I had to take a step back. Too many people haven't taken any true steps to try to learn any truth. They just blindly follow, rather than to use discernment and question anything. I've come to the conclusion that some people are going to have to experience being blindsided before they truly open their mind and eyes. 

Clutter. I have always referred to clutter as a mess. I hate clutter, even though I have plenty of it. Clutter causes unnecessary stress and is usually the result of having too much stuff. I have found, for me, that clutter leads to more than just a messy house. It leads to cluttered minds, thoughts, and emotions. When clutter is piled up, it's hard to see clearly. It's hard to find clarity when all we see is clutter. Cleaning up and out clutter, helps to clear the way for clarity within. I'm preaching to the choir here. I need to remove clutter from my home and life! The more crap piles up, the more cluttered my brain becomes!

On a less heavy subject, my internal chaos has not stopped my Christmas decorating. It has slowed it down tremendously, but not stopped it. My family's drama has put a damper on the overall mood for me this year. Even though it looks like I will have all 4 kids here this year, my struggle is playing a major part. I did more yesterday to bring even more decorations out of totes. It's starting to look festive. I have managed to get the deck tree up and decorated, the tree in the house is up but not yet decorated since my family is never all home at the same time right now, the fireplace is decorated, many of the doorways, and lights around the living room & dining room. I finally found and decorated my coffee table. Now, I'm looking at all the Christmas totes cluttering the living & dining room, a kitchen full of cluttered and messy shelves, too many animals making constant messes, and just too much left on the to-do list! 

So, for today, I'm going to stop. There are a million subjects I could touch on, but right now, I just need to find some sort of footing to start my day. Have a beautiful weekend. 

S.