If you are someone that battles with anxiety/panic attacks...you will grasp the afternoon I experienced Saturday. It was ugly, it was draining and it royally pissed me off. I have done so well at controlling those feelings and not allowing myself to get drug down that rut. When too many things add up, too many things go wrong, and there is too much on your plate....it removes your ability to manage other things. Apparently, my overwhelm led me to not being able to talk my way out of panic/anxiety. It was truly ugly.
It began with a trip to St. Louis, to pick up our "Italian daughter." It's been a couple years since I have traveled very far from home. Even when I do leave home, I never get very far away. The past year has been the worst. That is a whole other story. Anyway, my husband was awesome, and got my vehicle ready - checking tire pressures, rotating tires, checking fluid levels, etc. We get started, and the tire rotation caused a vibration in the steering wheel. It wasn't too bad once you could it up to about 70, but lower than that...it was hard on my arms and back. I managed, but it wore me out. We get to St. Louis, 3 hours later, and I can't find the correct road to get to the parking area for the correct terminal. After 3 loops around, we finally find the parking garage - but I have no idea where to go - I ask the attendant who not so nicely tells me to get back into my vehicle(which he had ignored me until I got out to start with), by now her plane is on the ground and she is texting my son, I get to the garage only to find, I have no clue how to find her gate. I ask the same gentleman who happened to be at where I needed to go, he directed me to a pick up area. By this point, I am flustered and losing my shit in a hurry. My son obviously is going into the airport to find our girl, and I tell my husband to go with him. After a bit of attitude from him, they went in and eventually found her and her luggage. Then, we were leaving and the parking garage was my next challenge. I could not find my way. It was a whole of "do not enter" signs, there were signs to get to the exit but I was already flustered, had too many people talking in my ears, and a stupid GPS that kept talking too. It was my final straw. I was doing my best not to lose it, since I was driving. After finally getting out of that hellish parking garage, about missing my turn off to head back north, a very testy exchange with my husband, we finally get heading north. I decide to stop at a town called Troy to get something to eat, use the restroom, and breath a little. Of course, that ended up being yet another cluster. The food was good, the conversation was fun, and having her back with us is amazing. However, we got done and were leaving. I got distracted by the conversations and a few texts, and ended up leaving my purse. We get 12 miles down the road before I realize what happened. So, we turn around, after my husband calls the restaurant and they put it in the safe for me. Thank God those ladies were so amazing!! So, after about 100 extra miles of stupidity...we finally got home. I can tell you, I am so aggravated with myself. It's really frustrating to watch YEARS of retraining your brain, go out the window in a few hours.
So, I believe today I will focus on my family, our home, gearing up for Thanksgiving and the lists of stuff I need to do. As I said, for those that deal with this crap daily - I truly send my heart to you. I did for a lot of years but learned how to train my brain and don't deal with it often anymore. I guess when I do have to...it will now be really overwhelming.
S.
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