It's early, I know! From my home to everyone reading this: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
We are down to just 5 days remaining before Christmas. I think I blinked and missed half the year! Is anyone else feeling like the world spinning has picked up speed, and is out of control? Not even mentioning that 5 days from Christmas, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas. What in the Ground Hog Day is happening?! Do you feel that? It's like each day holds some new dog & pony show, because we have spent 3 1/2 years avoiding a major problem to start with. Each new day, brings some new form of shit show.
I have spent most of my life, looking into every crappy thing that has happened to me, trying to find the lessons meant to be learned from them. So, looking at the past few years...it has made me wonder how, exactly, to fix the mess I see in the world today. I really don't have any precise answers but I do have a LOT of questions. It is very obvious that our justice system is 2 tier. One for the average citizens, and one for the elites. It very obvious that "projection" is what the Democratic party has been doing for a lot years. Whatever they accuse of others of doing...is exactly what they are doing. We have a seriously huge problem in our country with human trafficking, drugs pouring in from the southern border, an out-of-control government spending out-of-control, a serious lack of knowledge about our Constitution and Bill of Rights, there is a major crime problem, and a massive lack of repercussions for bad behaviors...just to name a few. I have dug into a lot of information the past years, and forced myself to learn...not to mention, getting past the serious cognitive dissonance. Honestly, there are days that I wish I wouldn't have. It would be so much easier to stick my head in the sand or the clouds, and pretend that the world hasn't turned 15 shades of wrong. It would be easier to just go about life, and keep the proverbial blinders on. I didn't, and now, I want answers! I am not OK with a lot of stuff that is happening. I do not believe that "it is what it is and there is nothing we can do about it." That thinking is what has gotten into this mess to begin with!I am sick to death of all the investigations, and nothing else happening. I am sick to death of the lies the media is spewing, without ever being held accountable. I am sick to death of having to walk on eggshells, with all the censorship and weaker minds screwing about being offended.
I can't ever remember being someone that just accepted that I couldn't fix/do something. I have always fought for what I believed in. Now, I'm just older and more determined. Maybe a little more strong willed. I rarely have ever sank back from a challenge put before me. If I know or believe I am right, I will argue with everything I have. This irritated my parents while I was growing up, and it irritates a lot of people now too. I don't manage dealing with weak people well. Whether it's weak minds or otherwise....
So, yesterday, I was talking to my best friend, catching up on life, kids, etc. We were discussing the lack of Christmas spirit that seems to be running amok this year. I can't pinpoint exactly why or what it is...but I had a dream last night, that fueled a couple of new videos this morning on my Youtube channel. It was a dream basically saying slow down, take a deep breath, look at this logically, and stop whining. Ok, so the whining....yeah, I'm still whining because I WANT to feel Christmasy. Anyway, as I took my time this morning to meditate and pray...a laundry list of stuff came into my head. It sent me racing to get a notebook and pen. I took copious notes on thoughts racing through my head on many subjects...but mainly the entire Christmas thing. One thing that I didn't mention in my videos, was the thoughts that sometimes, we have to make new traditions, remove toxicity from our lives, and just deal with life - however we can. I have had so many subjects weighing heavily on my heart the past few months, it has actually caused me to withdraw from a lot, while I figure out how to manage them.
I've got probably 15 different blogs started, and never finished them. I have struggled to get projects done this year - with a ton of different events thrown in. I have found myself in a constant state of chaos, trying to do and be everything to everyone....to a point of not being useful to much of anyone. I have spent the entire year of 2023, trying to pour from an empty cup! It does NOT work! When there is nothing left in your cup, you can't pour anything out of it. So, I have struggled to try to learn how to refill it. I quit doing a lot of things I enjoy because the cost of everything went through the roof. So, that took away a lot of my "me time." I have been eye brow deep in homesteading, gardening, food preservation, keeping my pantry full, cutting anything extra from our budget that was possible to cut, making sure my family has what they need. One thing that has come from this, I've seen how one-sided most of this is. While I have busted my butt to make sure everyone is taken care of, that I do what I say I will do; I've made life really easy on everyone except me. I've taken all this on, while everyone else has shirked their own responsibilities to step up to help out. Then, it's just taken for granted that I will do all the work, and when others find things they need done - it's also thrown at me, because no one else can see anything they could do to make MY life any easier. Having pinpointed part of my own problems, it's time I fix it.
It's become very clear to me, how much certain projects and events mean to me. I've taken a lot of time to reflect on some areas that I struggled through this year. The biggest area, has been learning how to be a parent to adult children. My oldest is now married, my other son is now engaged, and my daughter is in high school. After spending the better part of 23 years as a full time mom...the changes that have taken place this year have been difficult. Having to learn how to manage the loss of being that full time parent for so long, has knocked me backwards. My kids are now old enough to manage on their own, and mom is more of a nuisance most of the time. 3 years ago, I left a position that I held a high regard for. Not because of the company, but because of the cause. I worried a lot about how to move forward, still doing what I felt was what I was meant to be doing. I've done so, and it has been a successful annual event, but basically being a "one-man" show, with a great friend stepping up to help out...has been a challenge. I worried about losing my own edge, my confidence when I had to face the challenges from my own family, and even my own abilities. Honestly, whether this sounds bad or not, I know I am more than capable of anything I set my mind to do. Especially, if someone tells me I can't!! There are things I enjoyed being involved in when I had the position in that company, and had some good friends I do miss from there. However, sometimes, you just know or feel that something is off or wrong, and you have to listen to that gut feeling. Especially when you are being left out of loop of information. Anyway, this year was the 3rd year I got this event put together, paid for, got volunteers organized, and even managed to get to enjoy parts of it. It's been a challenging year for me. There is so much more to this story, and I honestly would even know exactly where to begin.
This year is winding down quickly. My 49th birthday is just around the corner. The start of another new year, is just behind that. What the new year will hold, remains to be seen. I honestly could make a million resolutions, but I wouldn't keep them. I'm lucky to keep reaching for my goals these days. Our Christmas gatherings began on the 10th, we have one on Friday, and continue with 3 more on Christmas Day. This year, I'm almost happy that we at the finish line. I need some down time. I want to day dream about my upcoming gardens, layouts and possibilities. I have some pretty lofty goals to work towards next year, but I'm OK if they aren't met entirely. My biggest goal is to refind me. Not as a wife, or a mom, or anything else...just me - the good, the bad and the ugly. I've put so much focus into everyone else, it's time to focus a little more on me. I need to refill that cup.
Life around the farm will be pretty crazy starting in January. We have nearly 70 ewes, all set to have their babies January through March. Hopefully, the weather will remain sensible, I won't have a bunch of bottle babies running around my house, and that our livestock guardian dog doesn't knock out any more of my teeth! Lambs are always exciting, even if a lot of work. Typically, I manage everything during the day and my husband manages everything at night. It's crazy but it seems to work. With the drought this year, we know we will be short on hay. Even getting some extra bought, we are still short. Hopefully, Mother Nature brings decent weather all of 2024. Spring will bring the purchase of more chickens. Sadly, something has gotten a hold of several of my girls these last few months. We put the goats into a separate pen, and now something is getting my chickens. I'm wondering if I should rethink that move! The feed costs are still too high, even though they have come down a few cents.(Kinda like grocery prices) We are continually having to watch to the markets, as livestock prices have really fluctuated over the past year. When the costs out weigh the profit, it's not good.
I have managed to not get a whole lot accomplished this week. I've been battling with my back again this week...it's been pretty awful. After going to get a massage in October, I was loving not having this pain. Now, it's back and with a vengeance. So, I am giving in to only doing what absolutely has to be done, for now. That is a difficult task for me, as I need to be busy. With this pain though, it's been a little easier, as it has almost sent me to my knees a few times this week. I hope it eases soon! Getting in for another massage is months out, because of their schedules...not mine! I'd have been there days ago, if it were up to me! I'm not going to stress, and I'm only going to do what I can. Others in my house may have to pick up some of the load.
For today, I am going to finish this up. Go take a look at my videos, and see if anything there can help. Have a Merry Christmas, do your best to enjoy it, and be grateful for every blessing AND lesson!!
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