Coffee and Conversation

 

Just 2 days left of July. I know I am constantly asking, "where has the month and year gone?" Some days seem to drag on for weeks, while I seem to miss others, all together. The heat has been oppressive and my body is just not working with me, to be outdoors much in it. While I have shared a lot of deeper thoughts this month, I have really been working on me. I will tell you, I love who I am becoming, even though I work diligently to be better each day. Honestly, sometimes I am a problem but sometimes, I am just not willing to be a door mat anymore and that creates issue too.

 

It's amazing to me, how anyone would not want to become a better version of themselves. I know. I think differently. Maybe because of that, I don't allow myself to become less. I am always striving for more...more understanding, more patience, more peace, and/or just be a better human. I get wrapped up in issues, in moments and even some areas of concern in my own life...but I am always learning. I want to learn. I want to challenge myself to overcome my own barriers. I won't limit myself to the opinions of others, and to my own stress - many times, I do my best to try to understand even those who have hurt me. I've been the person that has carried so much guilt when I have made choices that were not easy to make. The choices that meant choosing myself or my family first. 

 

One of the lessons I am still learning, is a double edged sword. I'm told I should accept success of raising kids that are young adults and are good and productive people. I am proud of them for that. However, I wasn't prepared for the feeling of loss, grief, or complete removal from their lives. While we are not perfect, our home - at least I attempted to make it this way, was a safe zone. Anything that was said here, stayed here. You could have and share your opinion, even if was different from ours, and even if there was contentious debate. We never expected our kids to agree with us, just because we were the parents. As Mom, I was the mediator a lot. I may not agree with an opinion, but I was going to do my best, to try to get my husband to understand the kids opinions. I took on the roles I was needed to take on, for my kids. Whether it was teaching after the public school debacle, learning holistic/natural medicine after a severe allergic reaction nearly killed my youngest, fielding all the negative insults from managing our unconventional lives, choosing to put my life and career on hold to make my kids my #1 priority, learning to manage a shoe string single budget, battling my own health issues alone, putting my own needs on hold, and even putting my marriage behind everything else. Once your kids are grown, they move out and begin their lives; I had found myself asking, "now what?" It might be different if they didn't become fully removed but I am no longer responsible for that. I wanted to maintain weekly meals, so I didn't lose the bond. That hasn't happened. So, instead I rarely see them, talk to them or know how they are doing. So, maybe being a stay-at-home mom wasn't the choice. Maybe making sure my kids had my full attention, never had to question if their mom would be there, never had to struggle or want for just the basics; wasn't as "right" as I once believed. Maybe shielding them from so many trials, so many poor influences was not the answer I thought it would be. Even with all that said, I would not change most of it! I have loved being with my kids. Even the rough days, the heart breaks, the battle of wills; does not hold a candle to all the times they would curl up next me, seek me out to just talk, hug me and tell me they love me, or being there for every milestone in their lives. I will never be a perfect Mom, but I will always be their Mom, who loves them unconditionally!! Beyond Infinity!!! 

 

When you are working on yourself, you have to admit to your own imperfections. I am full of them! I have dealt with some milestones of my own. Some of the biggest: having my kids, facing cancer at 26 years old, losing family members and friends that meant the world to me, learning the life I now live, demanding stability, facing past demons, and even now, with the milestone of maturity. I have not always handled any of it with grace. It's been messy, conflicted, and filled with a lot of doubts. Second guessing was a constant companion for years. Somewhere along the way, a quiet acceptance has begun moving in. The only control I have, is for my own self, my own reactions, and my own choices. While life may have been a little easier had I been like everyone else, that is not who I am. I have never been afraid to face a challenge head-on, to fix problems rather than let them weigh me down, and to go through whatever needed to be gone through...even it meant taking on the world alone. For several years, I have gotten bogged down and struggled to find my solid ground. It's strange to say, by having to walk through so much of it alone; I would not have survived it, if I was not such a strong person.  The past few weeks, I'm finding more of my solid ground. The acceptance of not being like everyone else and being content to walk in my own skin; has taken hold. While I am not like everyone else, I am so much more than many will ever see or know. My circle is small, more like a dot, there are very few that see the whole picture...not because I keep people out but because they choose their place. When people choose to walk away, I leave them to their choices. I can not force anyone to be part of my life, and I won't even try. I have high standards of myself, and I expect it from others. There is no sense in battling to be part of someone/something else when it's not returned. 

 

One lesson I was taught many years ago, was to respect myself. This lesson has stuck with me. There is a huge difference between respecting yourself and thinking you are better than others...that is arrogance. This brings about another lesson, and I'm sure my Mom's Mom smiles at this....grammar. She always wanted to teach English, and man would she cringe today! Using the correct terminology, punctuation, and actually knowing the definitions of the words used. Even with the brain fog I've dealt with for several years, I try hard to make sure I am using correct terms, especially. I tend to rush through social media posts, because most of that is a bunch of garbage anymore...but I do attempt to at least spell words correctly and using the proper wording. I have real trouble with all the abbreviations out now. And getting texts or messages with them and/or no punctuation; looking like you threw all the Scrabble letters on the floor. I hate it. If I am not worth the 5 seconds it takes to type out a message, please wait until you have the time. Better yet, physical visits are much preferred! Everything has gotten so impersonal now, people don't know how interact. Between the noise boxes, video games, texts/messages, and social media...so many problems have occurred that could have been prevented. We don't actually talk anymore, and so many listen to respond but not to actually hear. 

 

As we come to a new month, it's the start of a new school year for us. It's also the last full month of getting all the veteran hunt details and fundraising finalized,  it's working through "must do" outdoor projects before the cold comes in, working in the garden, and getting my house organized again. I've found that by keeping myself super busy, it forces me to not deal with some of things I need to. So, I am working to clear out lists so I can continue to stay on solid ground. I have been so blessed with so much in my life. It's the blessings that need focus, not the trials. Trials, you work to fix, while building even more blessings. That's where I am now. 

Today's deep thoughts...

 

 

 

 

As it relates to so many things, I've said and heard this for years, "no one is coming to save you, you have to save yourself." Most people can't see beyond their own circumstances to be helpful, let alone save anyone else. Why should they? Each of us have battles, that can feel insurmountable in our own lives.  It does not matter if those are health, financial or relationship related. While we can minimize our issues saying, "someone always has it worse or someone would be happy with what you have," and that is true; but what we face or battle feels massive, it threatens our coping abilities, and at the very least, is a disruption to our life. So, it goes back to, no one is going to save you, EXCEPT YOU! 

 

The last few years, the cost of so much has been huge. So many people have had tough decisions to make. Do they pay their bills, buy food, pay for medications, or what can they let slide. You couldn't even rob Peter to pay Paul...Paul was broke too. The cost of things was so much more than just the money though. It became a cost to health, relationships, and mindset. While some chose to just keep their heads down and do whatever what necessary, some took the thought of getting/staying prepared for whatever might come, and some withdrew from about everything and everyone. We've seen the older generations having to go back to work just to make ends meet. We've seen multiple generations going to extremes of living in debt to keep up a life style or the come back of multi-generational homes to help everyone involved. For me, it's been a mixed basket.

 

We live on a strict budget, and have for over 20 years. We have spent decades living a prepared life style. We have watched as once strong bonded relationships have been discarded. We have struggled with the greedy/self centered mindset. We have had our own battles. We are 2 very different people, and that leads to 2 very different perspectives. While I am a strong person; I lead from the shadow. I am the force constantly holding the middle ground, the one trying to give the perspective of others, always the referee, yet always the bad guy. I am the one that gives chances until there's nothing left to give. I am the one always trying to help others, to be the reminder we are not going to make the same choices or have the same heart, who works so hard to not become as cold as the world seems. Yep, I get hurt often, have my heart broken and struggle to understand sometimes. There have been a lot of years, when I am asked, why and how I don't just walk away. My answer is usually the same, "that's not who I am; my integrity won't let me quit." You see, your integrity is all about who you are...even with those who can do nothing for you, or those who abuse your personality. While I may not do what I once did for those that abused all I was willing to do...discarding them, walking away, or cutting them off...that takes me a lot to get to that point. I will never be a person that could wish ill, on anyone. 

 

I can't speak for anyone else, or tell what others may be thinking. I don't deal with rumors or gossip. I'm more of a "get from the horses mouth, or shut up," type of person. I don't get the need to tell other people's stories. I may share something in my home, about my thoughts, but it does not leave my home. If it does, then I have a limited source to go to, and knock out the B.S. I don't know the choices others face in their circumstances, anymore than others know the choices I face. If I don't share it, it's none of your business. Period. I have strong opinions, I do a LOT of research, but my life is mine. I've questioned, a lot lately, about having that proverbial inner circle. Mine is more like a dot. I have certain people I do go to about certain subjects, but no one gets full, unbridled me anymore. So, maybe in some regards I have hardened a bit. I'm comfortable in my self, even if there are times I wish I could vent, unfiltered. It is what it is. People listen to respond, not to actually hear, anyway. 

 

I have spent years sharing a lot of different information. Honestly, it's been more to try to help others to know, they may not be alone. Whether that has been natural/holistic healthcare, preserving/canning, farm life, history, politics, and even the dramatic years of peri and meno-pause. Generation X'ers have hit the phase of the pause, empty nest, and the years of wondering what now. While the Boomer generation was much larger, my generation is on a plane of its own. So, not only documenting this phase change for my daughter, but also having an outlet for the "what new hell will I face today," stage of life. I know I am not alone in this chaos, as I read social media posts from so many my age. I truly read those posts and pray for them to find an outlet too. My generation grew up before Google, mostly before technology in general. We were literally playing in the roads popping tar bubbles with sticks, we were outdoors from the moment we were up until the dark, we rode our bicycles miles every day, and we didn't have to be told "don't try this at home." Our parents worked, neighbors watched out for us, and if we screwed up....our parents wrath scared the hell out of us. We were raised to be tough. We were raised to know that every action had an equal and opposite reaction. We learned common sense, because not learning hurt and once you got hurt...you didn't run home because one of two things was going to happen...you were going to get your ass beat for being stupid, or you were told to stop being a sissy-go rub some dirt on it. And feelings...THAT makes me physically laugh! If your feelings were hurt, guess what....NO ONE CARED, and likely you would continue to be the butt of everyone else's jokes...for a LONG time! Boys grew up to be tough guys...that was not a bad thing. Many grew up knowing how to protect others. They earned respect...it was not just given. To this day, I don't give respect unless it's earned. Girls grew up tough too. Well, at least I did. You learned to tolerate pain, to stand up for yourself, throw a few punches if necessary(you better not start a fight, but you sure as hell better finish it), and having siblings...usually meant some type of WWE wrestling matches, for good measure. Those siblings could bicker and battle among themselves, but no one else better try to do the same, or you had all the siblings banded together. To a degree, that doesn't change over time. We just grew up different. 

 

Somewhere, so much has been lost. No matter how hard you try to rebuild the areas important to you, it's not always going to work. We can work so hard to heal generational traumas, heal from life circumstances, or heal relationships; it is a double sided coin. You can heal, you. Period. You can protect those you love, but only to a degree. You can even raise your kids with your values, and they can veer off the path.  I was very fortunate in high school to have a teacher that was more like a mentor to most that took his classes. Maybe I was just at the point of being able to actual hear and not just listen. Either way, he was always doling out advice:  dress for success - the way you dress, teaches others how to treat you, be mindful of the company you keep - not everyone has your best interest in mind - some are just trying to bring you down to their level so they are not alone, or sharing Zig Zigler's advice: "show me the 5 people you spend the most time with and I will tell you how successful(or not) they will be."  That teacher, taught me so much, but helped me to build myself into the type of person I wanted to be...not what anyone else thought I should be. So many of his lessons, I still live by today. Those lessons, were among others, that allowed me to become the strong, independent and to be able to lead without constant recognition. Huh, maybe I learned a little too well?! 

 

I am constantly telling people they need to find an outlet...whether that be stress relief or just to grow. My outlet has been writing. I write these blogs, I have hundreds of notebooks full of thoughts, I have "poems," and nature has always been healing for me. The energy of the world has felt pretty rough for several years, and even I have found myself in a battle of saying what I think/trying to keep peace/sugar coating for those I know can't handle much else/feeling alone. I pray everyday and have for years. When others push me away, I stay in my lane, and leave them to those they choose. I'm not one who is going to beg anyone for anything. I'm sure that's consider a major flaw. I have more respect for myself than that. 

 

That is one area that I neglected for a lot of years. Respecting myself. When you are in moment of motherhood, schooling, and just fighting to keep your kids and marriage intact; it happens. Then the kids are grown, and you are asking "what now?" I didn't keep up with the outside world; my focus was solely on raising good and productive young people. My degree is worthless, my skill set is obsolete. I'm 50 years old and really don't want to do the bar tending/waitress thing again. I can't justify thousands of dollars to go back to college.  I have about zero tolerance of the behavior patterns I see when I venture out in public. We didn't keep up with date nights, or dating each other. He worked to provide, I raised kids and took care of the house. Then we added the home schooling, and severe medical issues. So again, that left me wondering, what am I supposed to do now? It took a big move and many issues to return to being able to respect myself again. There are still obstacles, and questions, but I know and respect who I am again. That's a good start. We don't need all the answers to start making improvements. One thing I will remind everyone, improving yourself is an individual endevore....improving relationships - no matter the type, takes 2 working and growing together, or there is an equal and oppose reaction. 

 

So, anyway, there's some deep thoughts for today.  

My writings

 

Just thought I'd share some writings.

 

If I don't who will? 

 I put my heart into everything I do.

I give not for recognition, not for notoriety, but because I care.

When I tell you "I love you," you can be guaranteed I mean that 

    with every part of my heart. It's never said to just be said.

I help with everything I possibly can.

    Even if I am exhausted, sick or feel like my own life is a mess.

    I help because I know how it feels to have none.

I pay attention to details, because it's those little things that mean the world to me,

     and I rarely ever seem them returned to me.

Honestly, if I don't  who will?

I work hard to manage my own overwhelm and negativity;

    only to be ambushed by that of others.

No matter how much something or someone means to me,

    I face a great deal of negative input. I manage that too, as well as I can.

If I don't, who will?

 

Who will keep up with birthdays, anniversaries, likes or dislikes?

Who will remember your conversation;

    your favorite flower, color or number?

Who will hear the chaos and need to talk, in your off-the-cuff, "I'm ok, or I'm fine?"

Who will listen and share experiences 

    when life seems a little overwhelming?

Who will get the coffee pot going, and make time 

    to talk, cry, laugh or reminisce? 

Who will be there when you don't know what to say,

    or even what's wrong - just to work through it?

Who will be there with no expectations and no judgement?

 

If I don't, who will?

 

Because that's who I am.

 I love with my whole heart, until I can't.

I go above and beyond for people, even when it's not returned.

I give so many chances and the benefit of doubt.

Because that's who I am.

Even when situations and circumstance show me, time and time again, that's who you are.

When no one knows, remembers or cares about the details I find so important, that's who you are.

When you can't hear the desperation in a voice needing a release, that's who you are.

When you can't imagine or understand why I do what I do,

That's who you are; But that's not who I am.

 

Your Tribe 

Who is in my tribe? 

Who can you call anytime of the day, or night when you just feel you can't go

    another day day without getting something off your chest? 

Who can you tell everything to without having to watch your

    your words, tone, or omit parts that will become judged?

Who can you call on to lift your spirit, remind you of your value, and still be honest with you?

Who's there when life is so crazy, 

    and you need to talk through something for 49th time because it still feels unresolved?

Who can you share recipes, heart breaks, experiences and the smallest details with;

    yet they know because you're sharing, you care as much as they do?

Who's there to celebrate your achievements, without throwing in a hefty dose of negativity?

 

When the world feels heavy 

There are days the world feels so heavy for some,

    this can be individual days or many strung together.

The collective of humanity has become very selfish and lacks in common decency and courtesies. 

Too many have neglected the Golden Rule and live in the era of instant gratification. 

Sadly, people get used and items are cherished.

This is difficult for those who have not become hardened by the world and circumstance. 

On those days you can't find heart, 

    you can't find peace,

    and everything feels wrong;

that's when you pray, even if you don't know what to say. Ask God to hear your heart.

Then, find something to keep your hands busy, and let God handle you are struggling with.

 

When the world feels heavy,

pray up and keep your hands busy.  

 

 

...to work through thoughts today

 

 

 

 

Today my mind is cluttered to the max. I'm struggling to get motivated, stay focused and there is just a heavy feeling today that I can't seem to shake. I really don't like days like these. It's really difficult to explain. There is nothing wrong, I'm not upset, but my thoughts are literally darting from one to the next, in the flip of a switch. Even with my never ending to-do lists, I can usually get several things accomplished in a day. None of it very exciting, but things do get done. So far today...I've drank my coffee, cried at a video, had 50 different thoughts try to take up residency only to scatter off again when I try to focus on one at a time. I'm not even certain where this blog will go...

 

I'd say it's another coffee and conversation, but not really, because the coffee is gone and I feel like the conversation will become a giant talk in a circle, with no real direction or solutions. The intensity in my brain today, is something else. I'm sure it seems crazy to be so over-stimulated, but it definitely feels that way. A couple of very simple conversations this morning has even led to near melt down for me. Maybe typing out a few lines for each thought as they come, will lead to some solid ground. Let's hope!

 

Questioning how you find like minded people in a world full of people stuck on a treadmill of chaos, has left me bewildered. Most of us that are like minded, stay in our little worlds and avoid the chaos. There in lies a big problem in trying to network. So many seem happy to live with the "instant gratification era," that they rarely slow down. While I know the benefits of technology, I do believe the constant inundation in it, has led to lack of human decency and common courtesies. 

 

We speak often about family. I also know, my husband and I grew up in a time that divorce was more common than not. This really opened a door for the destruction of family units. Families began splitting, becoming more separate, and divided. Divorces were ugly. At least most that I knew of. The adults truly hated each other and that resulted in the kids having to divide loyalties, many kids learning to play the adults to their advantage because the adults were too wrapped up in their own circus to do what was best for the kids. When you have a divided family, you then bring step parents, and that opens a whole other host of challenges...for the adults and children alike. There is so much time divided between households, siblings, and extended families that, as an adult of that...it was easier to break away from it all for me. I vowed I would never put my own kids in the position that I had, no matter what the situation was. It took me years to piece together my own thoughts, emotions, feelings and pieces of truth from growing up in a divided family. There are times, even at 50, that a memory pops up and it's like a light bulb goes off...oh yeah, whatever is happening in the moment, makes sense now. I have to say, so many parents now that do divorce, they are putting aside their own difference to co-parent and have a united front for the kids sake. I congratulate them. 

 

The world today seems like a snow globe to me. It's all shook up, and you can't tell what's real anymore, and what's a big ole lie. I all but quit watching television in 2012. When you can do your own research on the stories they tell and find the truth in seconds...why listen to the half truths and outright lies of the media? There is so much being accepted that is morally and ethically wrong, yet it's being celebrated by the biggest mouths. Politics is nothing more than 2 wings of the same bird. It's just a matter of whose lies you like better. Neither party works for us, as the Constitution states they are required to, and no one is holding any of them accountable. I keep hearing oh well, we'll vote the next election for the lesser of the evils. Do you even hear yourselves?! Those elected, WORK FOR US! Period! Sadly, the past 5+ decades, they have done less and less to even hide their hatred of the American citizens. To listen to them talk about the dumb American's and yet people still vote for these losers? Why??? Education in our country has been dumbed down for so many decades, you can't even have a civil conversation about laws, government, or your own beliefs before someone is claiming you are some evil or anti-something. How about this; I am FOR: American citizens first, abiding by the Constitution, teaching our children the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, how government is meant to operate, teaching them to live off the land and NOT the government, teaching them to work for what they want, to stay out of debt, and to have a healthy relationship with kids of their own to carry on the family values.  I am FOR the smallest government humanly possible, I am FOR keeping our collective noses out of other countries and keeping them out of our finances. I am FOR the government operating within a balanced budget or not earning a wage until they do. I am FOR term limits on Congress. I am FOR legal immigration, with a SINGLE loyalty...the USA or stay in your own country. 

 

I believe we have lost knowledge of basic wants and needs. Too many people find it necessary to have what others have. Then they end up, up to their eye balls in debt, they will never get out of. I would love a new and bigger house, but I have a beautiful and warm home now. My vehicles are old, but they are paid for. Our farm equipment is old, and occasionally needs repairs, but guess what...it's paid off. Yep, I still have a little debt, but each week I am closer to being free of the chains of debt slavery. We use our cell phones until they literally no longer work. Then we buy cheap replacements.We don't do vacations for several reasons, but the 2 big ones are that we live on an operating farm and I don't see a need to waste money traveling when we already live in an area that is a slice of Heaven. There are plenty of beautiful places, but I have zero desire to see the world. My world, where I live, where my kids and husband are...is the most precious place there is. 

 

I spent years talking about the "homesteading" life. The life I have learned. Talking about gardening, preserving foods, raising kids holistically, home schooling, and living on a single income. Long before it was a popular subject. I learned to cook, learned to make nearly everything from scratch, have spent years eating mostly what we grew or raised, buying very minimal from a store. Now, there are millions of videos and web sites devoted to this. More people are raising chickens than they have since the 50's. I spent years talking about constantly being prepared...food, medical needs, and fire power. None of this was trending or catchy, while I was learning. I was actually given so much static, for many years, about living an Amish lifestyle. The strange part now, is that so many that gave me grief, are now trying to understand what I spent 25 years talking about. Now, my preps are a lot less, because my household is much smaller. I don't have to stress over keeping a years food supply for 8-10 people. Now there are just 3. I no longer have to have such a strict diet to control allergies, likes and sensitivities for so many people. Even those still here, can all have the stuff I make and use. I no longer have toys, school projects or multiple baked goods ready to bake; most of that stuff is no longer valid. There's still schooling, but a lot is online, and the remaining is divided between between self learning and a handful of hours each week to actually teach. The gardens are a fraction of the size. The pantry no longer needs 2 rooms, just a single shelving unit. The toys no longer litter the floors, and there's no longer loud and boisterous dinner table conversations. There is a lot of quiet, and a lot of alone time with no conversations. 

 

I remember thinking that 50 was old. Now that I'm 50, I don't really feel old. I actually feel a bit lost. I'm to that empty nest stage. I still have one at home, but she is 16 and really is independent. I guess I should consider my time raising kids as a success, since both kids seem to be independent and capable young people. That success doesn't feel great at the moment. It feels pretty lonely. This kind of circles back to an earlier thought, how do you meet people that are like minded? Some days, I'd love to have someone to just drink coffee and visit with. The hard part is that I am not the same person I was even 5 years ago. A lot has changed, and my interests don't match with most people. 

 

 I am going to push myself for a while this afternoon and attempt to accomplish something. Even some menial tasks, just to try to stay out of my own head.

Coffee and Conversation

 

It's incredible to me that we are a third of the way through July already! It has been a tough few weeks and my entire attitude is teetering on the edge of a melt down. So, I'm going to write through these roller coaster of thoughts so I can hopefully keep moving forward as I have worked hard each day, to do. 

Let's start with the foundation of my thinking. The world, as much as myself and many others have tried to make it, is not just black and white. What I mean, is that there is more than one way to live, behave and exist. While I am a firm believer in being on Earth to help others when you can but do your best not to hurt...that, too, is a gray area. My view of right, wrong, and appropriate, may be completely different from that of someone who is doing their own thing and being productive in their own lives. I see this nearly everyday, in my own life but also in how people speak to each other. While you all know, I believe in researching and questioning everything! I practice what I preach. I also believe that people have forgotten how to use/communicate with proper language verbiage. I have gotten quite a laugh out of the "pronoun" phase. People can figure out pronouns, but not proper grammar, proper terminology, or how to communicate beyond slurs/slang. I've heard so much negativity about physical appearances, and while I do have my own opinion, I try not to judge based solely on that. I have met some of the best people that are covering in tattoos, piercings and wild colored hair...and some that appear to be proper...are the most hypocritical I have ever met. So, I work hard to not judge, but we are all guilty of this. Eventually, my opinion is based on merit/character and for that I am happy to keep a more open mind. After so many of decades of research, I find myself at that judgy spot on a lot. I attempt to use proper grammar, because the lack of it being used, really irritates me. I grew up with terms like retard, stupid, idiot, numbskull, and meathead. The weird thing to me, is that somewhere along the way, the term retard began being directed at the disabled. That was never a term for disabled in my world. I guess I am the weird one, because retard to me, always meant someone that had no disability but was really not smart. It's just like the word ignorant. The actual definition of ignorant, is not knowing. Again, it's a lack of knowledge that has led to so much hostility today, I believe. In a world with every opportunity to gather knowledge, information and facts...society has become less smart. 

Carrying forward from the last thought, technology has become a serious point of contention for me. I use it, and depend on it...BUT I hate it! I get so sick of hearing I'll text, message, email, etc. No, how about you call me, stop to visit with me, schedule a time to meet, or something of the sort. Technology is not dependable and it has proven time and time again, to be the cause of MANY misunderstandings! Humans were meant to interact. We have to experience body language, facial expressions, and tones. ALL of that is lost in technology. Even though I love my time away from groups of people, when I go too long, my own communication abilities take a hit. Thus we have keyboard warriors that have zero accountability. 

One of the hardest lessons I am personally facing, is the "empty nest" thing. We bring our children into the world, and they need us for everything for just a few years. We look forward to them reaching their independent milestones; walking, talking, having friends, etc. We slowly adjust to them spreading their wings a bit, and then BOOM! All of a sudden, they are gone. As I was reminded recently, we have to cheer for their independence because that means we have successfully raised these precious babies of ours. That is a success that doesn't feel as such, as I am adjusting to my "babies" being adults/young adults. I devoted my entire life to these babies for nearly 25 years, and now what?! My oldest is married, has his own home/farm, and life. I rarely see them anymore. I don't get to share in their successes or be there in their failures. He and I basically, grew up together. My youngest is a force, all on her own. Independent, fierce, opinionated, open minded to a fault, and beautiful beyond appearance. While not quite an "adult," it's so close I already am feeling the loss. Now, I keep asking, "what am I supposed to do now?" My hopes and dreams have already left; and I am not sure what or how to go forward. It's a daily struggle. I see so many former classmates/friends that have grown children, they are doing incredible things or spending time with their adult kids and/or grandkids. Many of them never gave up their careers, or their interests. I did. I dropped everything and everyone, to focus solely on my kids....that's what I thought was the right thing to do. I even put my relationship behind my kids. Now, trying to find a common ground, feels unreachable. It's a really big challenge that I am not navigating very well. 

The one interest that I have kept dear to my heart, is helping veterans. It took a giant leap of faith, and a 2 year move off our farm, to find this passion. Since then, it has been a very big part of my life. With a few road bumps along the way, I have had the honor of meeting hundreds of incredible veterans over the past 8 years. I have been blessed to hear so many of their stories along the way, and the hunt we host every year has been a highlight to each of the almost 7 years, so far. I've been welcomed into a local veteran group, so warmly, they feel like an extension of my own family. I put out a request at the last meeting to one of the Veteran Service Officers, to see if they could come across any updated training since I have done some work with veterans that manage PTSD. Just a few days later, I had an email with my first course. So, I am jumping into updating some training on PTSD/TBI, and caregiving through the VA. This year, we have 10 disabled veterans attending our hunt. Some of the veterans are returning and few are coming for the first time. I try to prepare for any issue that may come up. Not because I don't want them, but because I care about those that are coming and I want them to know they are going to be able to relax and enjoy their weekend...not stress. Sometimes, it just takes a willing ear and willing person to talk through the demons they are battling in silence. When I hear the statistics of veteran suicide and homelessness, it breaks my heart. As with so much of my life, I want to help. 

 

 Today, I just want to be a reminder. We don't know what all other people are dealing with, please just be kind. Sometimes those that seem to be angriest and most awful people, are the ones that need the best version of you. You may be the only one to be kind to them today.

Coffee and Conversation

 

Well, as I finish my coffee and work on the mountain of laundry, I thought I'd write. I have kind of been feeling like those hamsters on a wheel look....constantly chasing something, but never getting anywhere! For every project I finish, there are 47 more added or my hubby adds some of his, and now that there are pretty much just the two of us managing everything...his projects are now mine too. There are so many bumps in my road anymore, I'm never sure what needs to be addressed first. Each bump, feeds into the million other little bumps. 

One thing that has really played a big role in this hamster wheel, has been the changing of parental role. I spent so many years as "just a Mom." It has been the biggest, most rewarding but also the most heartbreaking career. We raise our kids to be independent, to build lives and relationships; but we don't expect they will exclude you. It's a challenging adjustment to no longer need a big dining room table, since there are just 3 of us now. We rarely have anymore than that. Now, I am looking to down size that. No point in a huge table anymore. You do everything possible for your kids, and in my case(as many others too), that included learning alternative health practices after severe allergies nearly killed my youngest. You welcome people into your life and your home, they become chosen family, only to disappear too. I've had to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, sometimes they need to see how the world truly is, but pray that someday they will actually appreciate all I tried to do for them. I'm not perfect, but my love for my kids will never waiver, it is unconditional. Even when my heart breaks! 

It's such a strange place to be. Being a Mom, was always so important to me, and that will never change. Once you get to the place I am in now, you end up feeling lost. It's like, "ok, I did the best I could raising my children, but I let my relationship with my hubby slip while being a Mom first and I completely lost or the knowledge I had is obsolete, and I have no idea who I am as a person anymore." I still have a young adult to finish raising, but I'm trying to find my way and keep up with my parents, and I still worry about my adult kids, and we still have our farm, my gardening has become my thinking time. I race from one project to another, still battle to keep my house clean even with fewer people, and getting back into the social thing...that is almost overwhelming since I have nothing in common with most. Economically, I am don't know how to not shoe string budget. Even though we don't need to be as conservative...I don't want to be stupid financially...it has taken us so many years to get where we are. I've thought about trying to find something part time to get back into the world...but I can't bring myself to work in retail or food again, there is too much drama and physically, I am not yet back to being fully healthy. Not to mention, still working around home school, my veteran activities, and our farm. Throwing one more thing in, feels like more stress! Of which, I need to lose some! I have begun updating training on PTSD and TBI management. This is an area that helps with the veterans I care so deeply about. 

It's so funny to come across memories, as I am deep cleaning and sorting. A list from high school of career options really had me thinking. The list was one I had done in a class, with a teacher I loved. It was based off of the education I was getting at the time, and possible directions I could take. The list included: Architect, Marine Biology, Constitutional law, and Ecology. Quite a list, huh?! It's hard to believe I thought I was smart enough to do those things. I truly loved every class regarding those subjects. I still love them today. I had about every class possible, that was offered, on each of them too. One area, that I have preached to my kids about - and they are not hearing me, is how much outside influence truly affects who you become. I can not say I have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason, BUT influences changed my trajectory in life and some damaged what I could have done. When we are young, we think we know everything about everything. I believe it's a right of passage into adulthood. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." If you let others limit you, let others words/behaviors become your words/behaviors, or allow yourself to be drug into situations not meant for you; you become so much less than you are capable. Then you spend a lifetime searching for something, but nothing truly fits. You lose the value of your loved ones while maintaining the cost of that influence. I had BIG goals when I graduated high school. The last goal written down from back then: be a street dancer at Disney while attending college for Architecture - let the income pay for college. Specialize in residential architecture with what would now be considered living roofs, energy efficiency. I still physically draw residential floor plans all the time. I still love the living roofs, earth berm homes, using nature for energy efficiency and minimizing wasted square footage. Now at 50 years old, I don't believe I would have mental capacity to go back, so I just draw and add to my floor plan folder all the time. I don't have the energy or hundreds of thousands of dollars to even want to go back. 

Going through those memories were intriguing, funny, sad and empowering. I have experienced a lot in my life. I have dealt with the worst of them, basically alone. It taught me some hard lessons, gave me some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I have learned a lot of strength too. Being a strong person though, can bring a whole new level of issue too. When you are strong, no one worries about you and usually no one takes the time to try to get past the walls that were built. You become almost too independent, so asking or receiving helping brings guilt to deal with. You don't want to burden others, so you live in fight or flight mode continuously. Then you become exhausted, and it's not something that rest or even a "few days off" can fix. You end up in that hamster wheel constantly chasing the feeling of adequacy, feeling like you are doing something that is making a good difference, or living with feeling like you are never enough. Some of those memories brought me a smile, a laugh, or took me back to the moment a photo was taken. Several letters from my paternal grandmother, some were sharing valuable advice and one that made me sad. Several photos of a time when I felt my best, some while I traveled, so many photos of my grandparents and great grandparents, so many of my kids and husband when the kids were little, and even a few that were clipped out of a magazine/newspaper to add to my vision board. It's funny that my dream home from the late 90's was situated on a farm with a beautiful home, horses and livestock. 

There is so much I could add in this reflective post, but I think the biggest take away....don't regret, because you make choices, in the moment that you want to make, with the knowledge you have. You can change your outcome, but it takes choice and work. Take those pictures, make sure you are in a lot too, because one day...that's the memories your loved ones will have. None of us are perfect or flawless, so be kind, don't judge people by what you see...you don't know the whole story. Find a career that you love and can make income from. If you are lucky, you will spend decades enjoying that career. Don't waste valuable time with your parents and grandparents, they only get to be part of our lives for short period, and you will miss them terribly when they are gone!!! Work hard, but never get so wrapped up in making money that you forget actually live too. There are no material possessions that are worth having to work your life away for. Avoid spending so much that you can't afford time off to enjoy what you have. Be very careful of those you allow in your lives. The influence others have on your life, may seem small, until it isn't, and you've lost true friends/loved ones, while going with the masses. Always do your best to try to see both sides to a story, from experience, there are usually 3 or more sides to EVERY story. Don't allow the world, situations, people or circumstance to dictate how you live. Every single one of us has our own paths to follow. There will be some that walk with you for a lot of years, some just a few, and others just days. Every person we encounter is either meant to be a blessing or a lesson. 

Welcome July. I pray this month brings everyone good health, safety, and blessings of abundance. 

God Bless!