My Balance - 4 Quadrants

I've taken a few steps back to do some reevaluating in all areas of my life. It's been an interesting several years, with a lot of personal growth, some emotional growth(but more withdrawl), a ton of spiritual growth, a lot of mental growth and attempting to find a level area to begin balancing. If I had to pinpoint one major area that has changed for me in the past 7 years, although it's difficult to narrow it down to just one, I would say it's the gradual learning of accepting the person I am...the good, the bad, and the ugly!

My own personal journey has taught me to cha-cha a lot! I've juggled the 2 steps forward, 3 backward, paradigm for quite a while. I've struggled through personal issues, past hurts, past issues, anger, stress, resentments, feeling depressed and even several bouts of the pity party. I've had to accept all my quirks, even when I'm told I'm overreacting, or over sensitive, or it doesn't matter. When something doesn't matter to someone else, that's ok. It's never ok to make someone feel second rate simply because it does matter to them. It's no different when someone feels something or feels a certain way. If I am angry, no one has the right to tell me that I don't have the right to feel that particular emotion. Just as I have no right to belittle someone for feeling differently than I do. When you reach the point in your life that you begin the invisible to others growth, it changes the playing field.

Ironically, as much as I loath technology, with the determination to learn; you can find a wealth of information. In my own personal story, I've learned more than I really set out to learn. What begin around my 37th or 38th birthday, as a yearning to have my own identity again separate from being just a wife and mother, to have a career I loved again, and to not feel like there were parts of myself missing. Having some great contacts in the holistic side of healthcare has helped to bounce some thoughts off of and get some input, having some great friends that have helped keep my feet on the ground and kept me from getting too down, and having a couple people that I have met through this journey to help understand some of the other aspects I've been dealing with has kept me from feeling too crazy. While some believe that a midlife crisis occurs around my age, if what I have dealt with is anything close, it's not a crisis except to those around you that have not reach their point of growth or those not willing to grow with you. For some, a "midlife crisis" is just that. It's the point in life that changes you. Sometimes it making a change in careers, a change in relationships, a change in vehicles...it's the changes that people fear. Change is terrifying when you don't see a need in it, or your partner changes and that change doesn't always include you. For me, these changes have required me to grow, required me to take huge leaps outside my comfort zone, and is still requiring me to accept some changes that haven't matured yet.

Having spent the better part of 10 years now working with holistic care, I've learned how our entire health is wrapped up in 4 quadrants together. Body, Mind, Soul, and Heart must all balance. When one or all of these are out of balance...it throws them all out of balance. At this stage of my life, my areas of growth have been pretty focused. The thing is, with so much technology involved in our day-to-day lives, so many judgements from different aspects, so many expectations from every side possible; it becomes difficult to allow ourselves to be who we are without trying to convince others that we are right and they are wrong. The most important thing here is that while I may be doing what is right for me, and believe what I believe based on my own personal morals and values; it is not always the same thoughts or decisions best for others. I'm absolutely certain that each and everyone of us has our skeletons, and we do not need to be digging around for someone else's!

There are days, that finding balance can be nearly impossible. If any of you are like me, you get online regularly and are bombarded with the negativity that seems to have encompassed social media. If it's not politics, it's morals and values, it's personal choice that is different from mainstream, or any number of other areas that differ from mainstream. For me, there are days that it's all too much. When you are seeking balance, sometimes it takes withdrawing from things so you can focus on the need at hand.

I am personally terrible about this. When I get too stressed, too overwhelmed, or just too emotional; I withdraw. I crawl into a bubble of sorts, and push everyone else out. This is probably an unhealthy self-preservation method, but it's the only way I know how to limit my thoughts from the thoughts of others. When you are working on yourself, too many outside voices become louder than your own voice, and your mind becomes a jumbled mess in a hurry.

Working on the balance of mind, body, spirit and heart; you learn how that delicate balance is thrown off by just one being our of sync. For years, I did yoga and meditation every morning, I wrote in my journals daily, I made myself get out in nature, and I ate a pretty strict diet. After a few years of that all being brushed by the wayside, I'm finding that some old health issues have come back into play. My allergies have returned to a pretty bad state, my hormones are all over the map, I've put on weight that I can't shed, my focus is not what it should be, and I have zero tolerance for ignorant and disrespectful people. My husband I just had a conversation yesterday about respect. My exact remark, "people demand respect yet are unwilling to give it." That has become the norm. Everyone wants respect or demands it, yet no one is willing to give it.

So many areas come into play when working on yourself. As a human, it's so much easier to give advice than to listen to your own advice. When you are in the center of an issue, it's so difficult to see the outside edge - you know the light at the end of the tunnel?! For me, writing has always been my got to source, but there are days I can't even write what I'm feeling because everything seems so mucky. My own growth has had multiple aspects to it and multiple speed bumps too. I'm told that happens when you hit this stage of life, you have kids, a spouse, and the number of other areas of concern that I have in my life.

My own growth has hit a plateau recently. I'm kind of struggling with several areas that have come up, that I wasn't prepared for. My oldest graduating high school has really been a kick. How do you manage that phase? I keep bouncing from wanting to cry to thinking well I still have one to get finished. This new transitional phase has left me baffled. I'm thrilled be finished with the school work side, struggling with letting him spread his wings, yet thrilled at the possibilities open to him.

Being 44, my oldest was an only child for 8 years. Then my youngest surprise made her appearance. The bond I've had with my kids has been an incredible one. Being mom and teacher, nurse and friend, playmate and authority figure...it gives you such an array of duties. Any mom will tell you, there are days being everything to everyone is just too much. I can honestly say, I've never regretted a minute of it. Even all the changes I've had to make through the years, have been made for the sake of doing what is best for my kids. We all make mistakes, but we all try our best too.

Having had a few years of eating foods that are not the best for me, has pushed me backward in my healthcare. and allowed some issues to reappear. Mostly just aches, pains, and sinus/cold crap. The thing is, I know from first hand experience how changing a diet can change any ill health. Many times, when you are not able to live the life that I do, you don't have as many options of healthy food. I've lived on both sides of this. I've done the town living, city living, country living and farm living. I've been fortunate to have learned how to raise or grow the biggest majority of my own foods. I've learned what chemicals and food colorings to steer clear of and yet...I got away from it for a couple years. Now, my challenge is getting back to it, going back to minimal processed or restaurant foods, and getting back to the mindset of moderation. It's time for my determination and will to re-enter my diet area. After trying to find dress clothes to fit in my closet and only having a single pair of dress pants...I know this has to be a priority.

A few weeks back, I had the honor of finding and meeting an amazing lady who is a massage and Reiki therapist. After just a short session with her, I felt better than I had for a long time. I felt my own voice return. I will be making the effort to visit her again in the near future. After a few years of crappy diets, some annoying aches and pains have returned and I need them gone. I'm too young to feel this way, and I refuse to just accept these as part of getting older. Bull!! I need to be taking the time to integrate yoga and meditation back into my daily routine, make the time and money available for a regular massage, get back to clean eating, and let my body get back to healing itself.

Spiritually, I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm still growing and learning daily, but that area has been huge growth in the past several year. My beliefs are not in line with most others, and that's ok. What works for me, is best for me. What works for you is best for you. I won't judge, period! I have my daily prayers, and I've shared with my kids my beliefs and the religious beliefs, so they can decide what works for them.

My heart. This is an area that has always given me fits. I care too much for too many people, and I end up hurt and used. I love hard until I am treated badly, then all emotions get shut off. I am too empathetic and I get hurt too much. I keep people at arms length, and even the very few that have gotten closer have had to feel what it's like to be put back to arms length. Not for anything they have done, but because of my own need to protect myself when I can't deal with anything else. There are just 2 people who have ever gotten into and stayed in my heart...my kids. There are a few that I know I could depend on anytime, and they can depend on me...even when I withdraw, if they truly needed me, I would be there. But, after so many years of trying to understand being highly sensitively, I have to be able to recharge. Sometimes that takes a day or two...other times it takes weeks. It really depends on what's happening in my life.

Keeping my mind sharp is a high priority. I have this need to learn, to research, and to understand so many different areas. I really think if I got credit for every subject I've studied...I'd have a few Masters Degrees by now! Learning is something I have drilled into my kids heads for years...learn everything you can and never stop learning! In the 26 years since I graduated high school, I've studied: business, business management, accounting, architecture, biology, dance, psychology, religions, natural/holistic health, herbalism, land management, animal husbandry, horticulture, cooking/baking, and home interior/design. I've done a little study in law, and have been focused on nonprofits for a couple years now...in addition to still learning many of the other areas.

Now then, here is the kicker. The judgement and societal thought, becomes pathetic. As young people, we are expected to choose an area to study, and stick to it. At 18, we expect these young people to decide what they are going to do with the rest of their lives...this could be the equivalent to 90 years! How many of us can say we have done anything for more than 20 years? Yes, you have to have an income, you need to be a productive member of society, and it's much easier to learn when education is still fresh. However, we are teaching our kids exactly why so many are going through a mid-life crisis. As we get older, our interests change. At 18, we go to college based on a program we are expected to choose sometimes even before we graduate, we major in partying and scrape by to get that expensive degree. Then we graduate college only to have a mountain of school debt, work a year or two and many times...change our minds. Well, we still have that mountain of debt, now we probably have rent, a vehicle payment, utilities, credit cards and we're miserable. But guess what, now it's considered too late! Now, because of the debt, we have to go to that job we hate everyday, we were told that at 18 we are supposed to be adults - go out get a place of your own, start your own life, and you know what...we are clueless!! I know these were the thoughts when I graduated. My parents couldn't afford to pay for my college, but if they were going to help...I had to choose a major they accepted. So, herein begins the vicious cycle that so many of us faced at such a young age. At 22, I finally finished the degree I began working on at 18. It only took 20 years until I actually began to use it. In the meantime, I studied everything I could get my hand on, every subject that caught my attention; and you know, for the most part...the only it cost me was a few late fees from the local libraries! I have been fortunate enough to have had access to so much information, and technology is so wide-based now that continued learning is even easier. I've told my own kids that college is not necessary! If they want a degree, fine. There are some amazing community colleges out there that cost a fraction of a university, there are some truly amazing tech schools and trade schools that make so much sense. You can get a generalized associate degree in just a couple years online, through an accredited school, and save yourself so much money, while you are working a job and exploring your interests. This push for college, student loans, and such is so sad to me. Sure there are exceptions, but give yourself time truly find something you are passionate about, something that lights the fire in your soul, and something that you love doing! As a parent, I find myself looking back and changing my views. I want my kids to stay at home as long as possible. I want them to have that breathing room to find something that drives them and makes them happy, without amassing a heap of debt for something they may never need or use.

Anyway, I am continually working on myself. The balance I seek is within my own power to grab. As I continue to grow, and learn; I know there will be a learning curve. There will be bumps or mountains to get over. If I have learned anything through the years; it's that no matter how many detours I have to take, I am strong enough to do so. Sometimes, I just have to remind myself of everything I've been through in life...I've made it to this point. A little battered, a little bitter, and even a few cracks...but a better person overall.

Thanks for riding this journey with me!
Salli

Rambling

It's such a beautiful time. Although there are still some cooler temps, so much is coming back to life after the long, cold winter. The grass is green again, all the trees have begun to show signs of leaves, and the animals have begun shedding off their winter fur. Even my family has shown signs of finding some balance. It's truly remarkable how nature works, without much effort and consistently, year after year...season after season.

As Spring has really set in here in Northeastern Missouri, my own thoughts have been a bit more optimistic. For some reason, Winter was really difficult for me this year. I felt trapped. That is not a feeling I deal with well. Honestly, being forced by nature to be secluded as I was, gave me some time to do some reevaluating. While everyone is always so busy being busy, running everywhere, gossiping or wasting time and money; I was home almost 24/7 for most of 3 solid months. That's a lot of time to find every possible problem, area of concern, and even to build yourself to where you want to be. While I can understand that some depressions are not controllable, some are more of a seasonable variety. That of the seasonable variety can be controlled, but they can also be very beneficial.

Obviously, I am not a doctor, but I love psychology! I have spent a lot of years studying many different modules of it. So, when I find myself in a situation that is uncomfortable or different than my own normal, I start researching. This Winter, it's been a pretty broad range of areas: relationships, breaking the molds of past hurts and upbringing, seasonal depression...just to name a few. Now, in my case, I have not been really depressed. It's been more a deal of I'm not happy, so I need to find out why and fix it! I went to school, got my certificate in Natural Health Consulting, and graduated with honors 10 years ago. I have since continued to study all the different paradigms that fall into the Natural Health category. There are a LOT!!! When you are trying to find answers; for me, I research. I have been in several groups for a lot of years, and most of the time, I can "talk" to a multitude of holistic providers to get their thoughts on about any subject manner possible. The one commonality is their belief in the Mind/Body/Spirit theory. This is basically, when all 3 are in harmony, you achieve your desired health. When one is out of balance, it throws them all out balance.

For about 10 years now, I have struggled to find my own happiness. I love my family, I love my life, but there have been a lot of areas that do not balance out. It's been like a really bumpy roller coaster. There have been some great high points, but also some pretty low points. The thing that has taken me a long time to understand, is that all of these, have a purpose. I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, and the repeat issues come in when you don't learn what you are meant to learn. So, therein comes more research. Thankfully, I journal...a lot! I can go back through and find similarities, differences, and changes. The thing is, I'm not really unhappy overall, there are just areas that kick me in the backside. There have been a lot of times that outside interference has played a big role in highs/lows in my life, but realistically...just as many have occurred within my home. You can not put 2 people, with different upbringings, different personalities, different paths, and ultimately different goals; under one roof and expect everything to run smoothly. It's just not going to happen. Arguments are necessary for a healthy relationship, but arguing respectably is a necessity. This is one area that is very difficult. Too many of us, myself included, struggle to hear criticism, even if it's meant to be constructive. Then, it ends up being taken the wrong way, and the other person becomes defensive and all hope in solving an issue is lost.

Being the strong-willed/stubborn/hard headed (whatever), type of person I am, mixed with someone who cares too deeply for my own peace of mind most of the time, throws another monkey wrench into the mix. I truly care about others, most of the time I end up being their sounding board and I want to help them fix their problems...and that poses a problem because I care enough to try to help them, and fix the problem. Most of the time, I've found that they just need to vent...but my personality wants to fix! Typically, I try to make sure I know what I'm talking about before I say much. I do not handle being blind-sided well. When I am caught off guard...I'm not usually very nice or understanding. I need to have space to deal with whatever is thrown at me. When too many issues overwhelm me, I shut down completely, and withdraw from the world. Whether it's others coming to me for a venting post, my household, extended family, etc., when I am overwhelmed...I am not a nice person. It's like backing a tiger into a corner....I will come out fighting(even if I don't need to.).

I am stubborn, and I know this. The thing is, when I see something that needs fixed, something that seems wrong, or someone that is not being genuine...I like to fix it. I am not one that likes to ever go back on my word, that will say things just to appease people, or just blend in with what everyone else is doing. Fake people irritate the crap out of me, people that will not follow through or make right situations that they have created upset me, people that are nice to your face while talking behind your back just tick me off instantly. Then you have people that you truly care for that may be dealing with some issues...but as soon as you voice your opinion, that they have asked for, get upset because your opinion is not what they want to hear...so then you become the bad guy. I have always said, do not tell me your issues, or ask for my advice if you do not want to hear my opinion. If I care enough about you to listen to your troubles, do not expect me to just sit by idly watching you suffer.

I work hard to keep my own house in order, both literally and proverbially. Yes, there are times it gets messy, but that's life. If I am taking my time to talk/visit/listen, please be respectful enough to know that the time I take is time I won't get back, and it's time I'm taking from something else. I will make time for anyone that needs me, just do not abuse it...I can only do so much before I will just walk away and be done.

Now, within my own house, there are a lot of balls in the air...so to speak. Our 2 year adventure in Southern Missouri was one of constant chaos, heartbreak, and honestly one of the best things that has ever happened. I had some space to grow, rediscover myself, learn a lot of tough lessons, and meet some incredible people. The thing is, during those 2 years, we tried to sell our little farm. Had several offers even. I just could not take the thought of just basically giving it away. See, this little farm has been a strange connection for me. For many years, I had a close relationship with my husbands grandfather. I really loved that man. He was one of those people that had no problem putting you in your place but he was kind and wise, at least to me. I know there were issues with other family members, but he was always good to me, treated me with a lot of respect and several times during our conversations would warn me issues in areas that were not brought out into the open until years later. When we first came to look at our little farm(part of a larger tract own by my husbands grandparents), he wanted to take a walk. So, we walked several yards visiting about the ground, it's history, and what his wishes were for us. I made a promise to him that day, and to this day, I have kept it...and I will continue to keep that promise, come hell or high water. You see, he wanted to see my family here. He wanted to be sure that this farm would stay in the hands of his family, and unfortunately, he knew some of the issues we would face some years down the road, or maybe it was just his wisdom. Many areas have come to light since his passing. The thing is, just a few years into the ownership of our little farm, we experience a massive downturn in income, which in turn created a massive unrest within my home. Then to top it all off, we found that our used home, was not winter friendly. So, trying to keep expenses to a minimum, and still be able to have a home without snow drifts inside the house...we took on a massive remodel project. Little did we know that remodel project would take on a life of its own. You start to fix one thing, and find 4 other things that are massive wrong. Well, my husband's grandfather, one of the several promises I made...make sure the bank and taxes are always paid. Well, there were times that was a huge struggle. When your income drops in half, a year after the massive remodel, and 3 years after the purchase...you find yourself in a big mess. That part of the promise I have kept, even during our venture in the south. Making a farm payment, rent payment and 2 sets of utilities was not easy. Thank goodness, I can budget and my husbands income had increased substantially...at least for a short while. Since all of that, a lot of the extended family business has had me in disbelief, but again, my time away put me in a different spot.

You see, my time away, helped me grow and rediscover so much of what I had lost the prior 17 years. I began to find my voice again, and honestly...I found my strength again. I struggled with the move, that many changes all at once, really knocked me off balance. The weird thing, it really helped me more than I ever thought possible. I guess the Universe knew what I needed. It took me outside what was my comfort zone at the time, and threw me into a place that I didn't know with people I didn't know, and basically was a sink or swim scenario. I may not have done overly well, but I did it...all while finding such a large piece of myself that was missing. That's a win in my book.

In 1997, I uprooted everything I had ever known on a gut instinct. While the instinct has given me a lot of grief through the years, I still believe it was the best move I could have ever made. Giving up a life that was revolving around running at break neck speed, spending a lot of time in the city and developing a shopping habit that was not sustainable could have potentially been a disaster. Not mention my entire family was in the same area, and I could not truly spread my wings to grow. I always tried to hold myself accountable and responsible for everything around me...including me. I needed to figure out my own way, which following everyone else, never did feel right. Moving to Missouri, living way outside of town, dealing with a landlord that found it acceptable to walk into my rented house whenever he chose; that was an experience I never want again...but I was learning more all the time. I only had myself to be responsible for, only had myself to answer to. I spent a couple years quite a ways from where and who I had been. That being said, I was learning, growing and determining what I wanted for me. During those 2 years of being more of a wild child, I was responsible enough to get my associates degree and work. I loved my life, even in the hard times because it was my life. During that time, I met my husband. While the initial time from when we met until about a year later, was meant to be a room mate, and then we began dating. Mind you, I was in a good spot within my own life. I was content being in my own company. While we were dating, I think things progress faster for him than for me. I wasn't truly certain I was ready to settle down. Either way, in the 20+ years we have been together, there has been one hell of a roller coaster. He is a great man. We still have a lot differences, and it's caused some pretty big uprisings. Many of his ideals, are not mine and vice versa. He has always been a lot harsher than I am. I was raised that, "you catch more flies with honey."

In the year that we have been back to our little farm, it's been chaos. Trying to readjust to being back, readjust to a lesser income, trying to make positive changes in our lives and on our farm, trying to adjust to being back in the mix of extended family; and for me personally...trying to adjust to my life being different than when I left, learning to adapt to having a child that is now an adult but still needing to finish his high school while too many others are trying to give him advice, adjusting to having just one child that needs regular attention/education, having that child being so affected by disagreements, arguments, and family drama, to my own personal life stage changes, trying reenter the work force after nearly 18 years, but having to so with a really tight leash, having a little extra time on occasion that leaves me feeling lost, trying to find peace and not lose myself all over again. All the while, being sick of drama, chaos, back stabbing, and ignorance.

I'm attempting to build stronger extended family bonds, because I think it's important for my kids. Trying to make everything work, while having crap thrown at me from multiple directions, usually all at the same time, and trying to limit the kids and I's involvement with some of the crap. See, I am a strong person, and that strength has come back ten fold. It means while I am going to do everything within my power to be nice and kind...I will only deal with so much before I say enough and walk away.

Well, my rambling has gone on long enough. Time to get back to work and enjoying another day of sunshine and beautiful temps. While things may seem overwhelming, I do what I can and then the rest is there when I am ready to take care of it. Today, I needed these thoughts out of my head, so I can do everything within my power to move forward, be more productive, more positive, and keep growing. I wish you all, only the best!
Salli