Christmas has filled our home!

It's Christmas time in our home. Well, at least the decorations are going up. The tree has been up for about 3 weeks, the indoor decor is increasing everyday, and some of the outdoor lights went up this past weekend. This is my favorite time of year.

There's so much I love about Winter. The beautiful lights that luminate the night, the bold reds & greens of decorations, the change in spirit of most people, and even the blankets of snow that usually find us in December. People seem to find a little more patience, and a lot more generosity during this time of year. You see the Salvation Army Santa ringing a bell outside many stores, and like me as a kid, you see all the kids anxious to put some change in the bucket. The Christmas music is playing in stores and on the radio. For me, I always end up getting one of my favorite flowers, the Poinsettia. Yes, I am a sap when it comes to Christmas. I look forward to spreading my own Christmas cheer to anyone I meet. I look for ways to help my children understand the true meaning of giving. We donate to our local food pantry, we purchase hats & gloves and donate good coats, we try to purchase at least 2 angel tree gifts every year. We have offered to donate our time to help boxing the food pantry's food, and try to make sure we help as much as possible.

In our area, there are a few second hand clothes stores, but every one of them charges what I see as too much for families that are struggling. I have spent the last few years wanting to open up a store that offers clothing to people really cheap or free. Take in donations from the surrounding areas, and put $1 or less on everything. If families don't have the money for the items they need...it's free! I would love to give this to our local communities, and that will be a project I will be working on in the coming year.

As we began the holiday thinking early this year, we looked at what is being called the 4 gift rule. The rule was basically, 4 gifts - one from each category: want, need, wear, and read. Although we typically do close to this and have for many years, I thought 4 gifts, that's easy enough. I was wrong. This year, instead we put a very minimal amount of a dollar limit per person. This gave us a little more flexibilty. We do not buy big items at Christmas. By setting a dollar limit per person, this caused us to have to get creative. We kept the 4 gift rule categories in mind, but also had a little more room to move around as need be. Since our oldest has more expensive "toys" now, and the youngest is still really easy to buy for...we had to make descretion for that too. We also spoke to Santa this year. Many years ago, we spoke with the man in red, and told him to spend more time focusing on children that didn't have Christmas. We asked him to let us take care of our kids, so that other children could have a Merry Christmas. So, this being said, Santa usually only leaves 3-4 gifts and Mom & Dad take care of the rest.

This year, including Santa's gifts, we put a $100-$125 limit per kid. Richard and I spend $75-$100 each on gifts for the other. We also decided not to purchase gifts for extended family. We will be making a lot of cookies, bread, candy, and ornaments to give, but nothing will be purchased. For the first time in several years, our Christmas budget was cut in half. I don't believe the Christmas is about all the commercial toys, all the electronics, or even about material stuff. For our family, Christmas is about family, friends, and helping those who have less than we do.

My kids know they will not be getting the latest and greatest new video game system, or the new computer or electronics that is going to be outdated before leaving the store, they also know that most of what is advertised on television is junk. I spend so much time with my kids that I know their personality. Although this year was very difficult to buy for the oldest, once I reset my mindset, I just had to remember his personality. I had to remind myself that he isn't all that much different from me.

So, although we did not stay with the 4 gift rule, we did stay minimal. Each of the kids has 4 gifts from Santa, and 6 from us. They always get a small gift in their stockings, and this is what my kids know. Do they go without, not hardly! My kids have so much they could provide Toys R Us! There seems to be no logic to me when people max out their credit cards, or break the bank to give their kids so much for Christmas. I hear people talking about buying the newest video game systems, new electronics, or some new toy and I can't help but wonder why. Electronics are outdated basically before you leave the store, the video gaming systems are great if you want kids that never go outside, and most of the toys made now are so cheaply made after they've been played with a handful of times...they are trash! My kids still get excited over new clothes, books, and things that help with their hobbies. Both my kids have learned to shoot guns; mind you the youngest is only 3 so she still only gets to shoot the BB gun and the 22. The oldest is 12 and this was his first year hunting. The youngest is discovering Barbie, much to our dislike, but doesn't want much just a few things to plan with while she plays with my old Barbie house. She loves Dora, horses, puzzles, and most girly stuff. Although she's the first out the door to help her Daddy with shoveling manure, driving the tractor or feeding the pigs/chickens/horses or cows. The oldest is much more difficult the last couple of years. He has gotten out of most toys, but still loves his farm toys and star wars. Now he's gotten into shooting, hunting and animals. He bought his first calf last year, and his first pig this year. He is now in search of a Bore so he can raise some piglets in the Spring. He loves the horses and cows, and is learning the farm life so much better than I would have imagined. I am very proud of the young man he is becoming. He is constantly helping his Grandma, and loves to spend time with his Great-Grandparents too. He is very independent, which proves to be a battle when it's time for school work, but we work on that a little every day.

In the year that we have lived on our farm, we have all had to learn and grow. We have learned to work together, the hard work it takes to keep everything running somewhat smoothly, and the value of dedication. We are working together to make our farm as organic as possible. We don't use chemicals, fertilizer(except natural manure), our animals are fed only natural/organic feed, and we are raising or growing most of what we eat. We have eggs and meat from the chickens, our beef from cows, pork from the pigs, and vegetables and herbs from the garden. We hope to get fruit trees put in come Spring, and a section of the pasture is going to grow for wild herbs too. We have so many goals that are still unmet, but we work hard every day to achieve them. We still have decks to build, a shed to finish, need gravel in the driveway, a wooden yard fence to build and want a good size barn to get all our stuff out of my Mother-In-Laws barn. We want to get our horses worked a little more so we can ride more. I want to get my kitchen remodeled to make it more usable for all the cooking/baking I do. We want to start having a regular gathering of neighbors to keep our rural way of life alive. Times are tough for everyone. Our rural communities haven't been affected to the extreme that many cities/towns have, but we have been affected none-the-less.

We have several dreams we have realized, while several dreams have yet to come to fruition. My husband and I were raised with morals, and very high standards. We are trying to pass those along to our children. It's more important to help family, friends, and neighbors than to compete with them. That is our family thoughts, and we hope to be an example for others.

Wishing you all a Happy Winter, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
~Salli

Unwelcome in the family

Some days, you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. Then there are days, when you are part of something, yet you still feel like an outsider and really not welcomed.

This has been an experience I have felt so often over the past month. I come from a very large family. It's very rare that we are all together unless it's for a wedding or funeral. As it was, this gathering was for the funeral of my grandfather. My little family does not go back to my hometown often, but we spent 4 days up there. It's a strange feeling being the oldest grandchild in that large family, and having to find my place once again. All my cousins are younger than I, and a few of my aunts and uncles aren't much older than me. It's still a challenge though. I have a difficult time finding common ground with a lot of younger cousins, but even though age differences between aunts and uncles are too different, I felt left out of that circle. Just as I was out of the younger generation circle. I spent some time talking with everyone while we were there. Yet, I felt out of place. I had such a tremendous amount of pride spending so much time with that side of my family. To know that we had such enormous numbers and almost every one of us was there. It was such a bag of emotions spending so much time with my family again. We have gone to a few different occassions spending a day or two around my family but we hadn't spent that much time for a long time. As it typically goes, it was a bitter sweet reunion. It took losing my grandfather for almost all of my family to gather.

I was thrilled to spend time with my own siblings. All 4 of us, all together...it was truly exilerating. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much, or felt so included. Naturally, those close feelings and the strong emotions begin to release after time. Although my pride in such a large family, and being so thankful for 3 younger siblings will never diminish, things have somewhat calmed. Once again, I am on the outside looking in and finding that my own pride in family is being tested.

As a very instinctual person, you can sense some massive issues. As typical, I am not being told what these are, but I know they are there. I am being fed pathetically little information, even though I have asked about the issues. I'm guessing my own pride in family, is my own.

Finding your own place in this world is a constant journey. I am very fortunate to have an amazing husband and 2 kids that are my world, but even knowing this, makes for such a roller coaster of emotions from extended family complications.

I am different from my extended family, I always have been. I can't tell you how or why completely. I have always felt like a black sheep of sorts, and haven't really fit in for years. I always chalked it up to being the oldest grandchild, and not being in the aunt/uncle generation. I am also not a person to think inside the box. I am willing to try new things, even if it means walking down a path that didn't exist before I started.

The last 3 trips back to my hometown area, have proven this and so much more to me. I want to say first that I am very proud of my extended family. I love them very much and only want the very best for them. I however, have never felt so unwelcome. Each of 3 trips just pushed this feeling even more to the forefront. The first trip, I chalked it up to the chaos of planning and preparing for my nephews 8th grade graduation party. It was a busy time, so I kind of brushed it off. By the 2nd trip, my whole family not only felt completely unwelcome, but spent most of the time there hungry, just as the first trip, and wishing we had stayed at home. The 3rd trip, less than 3 months later, for my grandfathers funeral, ended up the bitter sweet trip on so many levels. It was this trip, and ultimately the time since, that I have learned so much more.

When such an unexpected tragedy happens, most families will come together. They usually spend time bonding, and become close for awhile. My family hasn't been any different. It's also during this time that many true traits will show themselves. As a very intuitional person, I felt some very strong emotions that weren't affiliated with the passing of my grandfather. I also felt that my very presence was not welcome, yet again. It's hard to know you are disliked so much, and that your presence just fuels a fire that you didn't even know for sure about previously. This last trip was something that I never expected. To know that you are disliked, not welcome, and told in not so many words...your extended family is none of your business and that your concern is causing more troubles, is kind of a huge blow. I can't imagine ever making someone in my home feel this way, nor would I ever try. In my family, we believe that when someone comes to our home as a guest, they will be as comfortable as possible, and even those that we may not agree with are treated with respect. Whether it's immaturity, insecurity, or whatever the case, I would never treat people in our home the way were treated. Although our 3rd trip, we stayed with my brother and his family, we had a very welcoming place to stay...it was heart breaking to me that we could not be near the family we had hoped to be.

Since the last trip, I have tried to let it go. I have tried to accept that what ever is going on, will be revealed to me when the time is right. As someone who listens to their intuition, this is very difficult. I can feel there's a problem, I have asked both sources about the problem, and been basically told to butt-out. That's great and normally, I would. This current problem, has my intuition going nuts! I can't let it go. I have tried! I have spent the last month with a constant headache, and my stomach and nerves have been a wreck. I have spoken to my siblings and we all feel the same thing, however, they are up there...I am not. Since I am not there, I'm told to just let it go and all will work out. That's swell. But my own intuition is screaming, my dreams are telling there's a big problem, but is anyone involved saying anything...of course not! When I ask anything, I am being nosy, and a bitch. So, I am beginning to understand my place. My place is to be a free place to stay for every one else to get away from their lives, my place is to be here when everyone else needs me, but don't ask for that favor to be returned. My place is a granddaughter, daughter and sibling when it's convienent for everyone else. My place is just slightly below a mushroom.

Since, I am beginning to realize my place, I am finding it very difficult to not be angry. I have a good heart. I care about people, to some degree too much. I don't want to see anyone hurting, or upset. To my own downfall, I am a compassionate person. No matter how many times I have been hurt, mistreated or ignored; I have stayed true to myself. This may be the secret to life, it may not.

Although I am extremely hurt right now, I know that I am strong enough to carry on. I just have to accept my place and be willing to let the childish games go on with out me. I have a beautiful family of my own, a beautiful home and a good life. Even though I will have difficulty letting go of this intuition, I have to. My health is being affected by it. Since I do not hold a high enough place to get more that an occasional phone call or an annual visit from most my extended family...I know that I mean a lot to my family. I just pray that those involved in whatever the problem may be, will have some respect for some one and that they not be treated the way they have treated me.
~S~