This mental chatter...

So, I'm sitting here this morning, completely beside myself. What can I do to release this chaos and internal monologue...write. I suppose that's what I'll do.

You have to understand that I am very hard on myself. I expect myself to do, be and act in a way that is professional, empathetic, and kind to everyone. Even if I know I'm being used, taken for granted, or lied to. I firmly believe in common courtesies, being respectful and always giving my best to everyone. This is also a huge pitfall for me. Unfortunately, the large majority of those we are surrounded by do not have the same thoughts. Herein, lies the issues.

While I give and give, both mentally and physically, it's not returned and by the days in, I'm drained. I'm trying to pour from an empty cup, and getting nothing but grief. I was always told if you give an inch, some will take a mile. I truly never believed that. I always felt that if you could give helping hand, in some way, it would come back when needed. To my dismay, the earlier statement has been proven time and and time again. Yet, I continue to try to help.

So, since the past week has been a very trying time for me emotionally, I've had this really tough back and forth mental conversation going on. It's been pretty tiring. The bounce between giving myself a pep talk of: "you can do this, you've been through enough trying and tough times, you can get through this too," and the ever present: " I'm tired. I am sick of drama, chaos, lies, shows being put on, having people up my ass at every turn, not to mention a house that stinks(even though I've cleaned) and the winterization that hasn't been finished and wood we need cut so we can have heat not being done." I'm flipping tired!!! Here we are half way through October, we don't have enough wood to get through this week for heat, we have house repairs that have to be finished before winter sets in and they are not done, I'm trying to juggle a budget thrown way off from several emergency trips and helping family move. My grocery budget is gone because I now have to buy tired for my vehicle since I had a blow out yesterday, so I'm going to be expected to feed 7 people on what little I have for food/meat. My utilities are running high, I'm sick of constant noise, feeling like I could lose my temper at any given second, and feeling like no matter what I do is never good enough. If I hadn't lost my ability to cry sometime in the past year, I'd probably sit and cry over everything, for about 3 days. The thing is...I can not cry! Instead, every little thing that happens, just makes me madder. It is pushing me so close to flipping my lid, it is taking an act of congress to keep my temper in check.

Here's the thing...I'm doing what I can to help with a group that fuels my passion. I love the work, love working with amazing people, and what it stands for. For a couple years, I have been finally feeling more tuned into the direction I want to go. My entire family has been able to help. The struggle there is very selfish though. For the first time, in years, I had something I was doing, loving, and several aspects were just mine. My family volunteered, and helped for a few events, and the rest I was able to do; similar to a job, that I loved. Then it started including more for them into other aspects of it. So, I guess selfishly, I want to be able to continue what I'm doing while limiting their involvement, so I can have something that is mine to do. I don't know how to explain this, so I'm going to leave it alone until I can understand it.

I just feel like I have constantly got people under foot. I can't even escape to the bathroom without someone needing to talk, at the same time. I'm completely overwhelmed with absolutely everything!!!! I'm being pulled in so many directions, everyone wants to take their piece of me...and there is nothing left!

I fall asleep at night stressing over the budget, the things that have not been finished, trying to be a good friend, good child, good sibling, good mom, good wife, trying to keep my house clean, laundry done, meals cooked, trying to find a shred of myself that isn't being used to the absolute maximum. At this point, there just isn't a shred left. Every piece of me is being pulled, used, abused in some way...except my heart. It's been under lock and key for so long. I'm afraid if I ever completely unleashed it...it would terrify someone...aside from my kids, they have had my heart from day one.

I believe when you tell someone you will do something...YOU DO IT!! When you say you will do things, and it continually is proven that you won't follow through...you lose credibility, you lose trust and you lose respect. When too much water runs under a bridge, you can't get it back.

Another area of contempt for me lately...Absolutely no other person can tell you what you feel. What I mean is this: if I feel hurt, neglected, used or any other emotion...it is not your right to decided if I should feel that way or not. If you have done something to hurt me, you don't get to decided if you did or not. The thing is, how you treat others is a reflection on you. You can make up stories to make yourself feel better if you choose, but putting on a show never works. There are a lot of people out there smart enough to see through the smoke and mirrors. An act can go on for only so long, before you can't keep it up anymore. I despise acts, or putting on a show. Life is what it is. When the bad out weighs the good...it's time to fix it.

Just in case you haven't guessed...I'm exhausted!!! I'm done with crap. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, unless others need something. I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone. I'm just tired...mentally, physically and emotionally. I just want a break to be able to clear my head, without worrying about whatever B.S. may happen while I take that break.

I'm going to take a time out.
~S~

Coffee Chat - Answers to where I've been...

Here we are. The end of September, and the beginning of Autumn. 7 months living back at our little farm and back to the constant drama and chaos. I've begun so many blogs, trying to stay positive and optimistic. However, when you have multiple fronts of drama, chaos and negativity...it's beyond difficult. So, today, I'm going to attempt to actually write and publish a coffee chat.

As I said, being affronted in so many areas, has been overwhelming. I have found that my own emotions have all but shut down. I'm not really numb, but at the same time...I am. I try to take time each morning to pray, meditate, and be grateful for each new day. It's seems lately, most of my prayers include strength to continue managing everything, courage to say and do what is needed, and wisdom to hear the guidance being given even with all the outside noise. When you reach a point of being emotionally and mentally drained, it's a battle to pull yourself back. Just as feelings of negativity take an enormous amount of energy to overcome.

Having done so much research and studies in psychology, it's very pronounced to me, how many people play mind games. The sad part of this is, some people don't realize they are doing this; while others do and choose to manipulate everyone they can. Manipulation, guilt trips, drama, putting on a front and mind games are taxing on those that must be around those that behave in such a way. I'm pretty certain if you are honest with yourself, you know at least one person that does these types of things. I personally know several that can fit into these categories.

I am not perfect by any shape of the word, but I always try to be respectful, honest, loyal, and do what I say I will do. The thing is, for me anyway, I get tired of doing what I feel is right; only to be disrespected, minimized, used and taken for granted. Yes, there are times I feel sorry for myself, there are days that I want to throw up my hands and just give up, and even days when I want to tell everyone what I really think and let the cards fall where they will.

If I have learned anything at this point in my life, it's that you can only do so much and then it's out of your hands. I'm a fixer. If I see a problem, I want to find a way to fix it...then fix it and be done. I don't handle procrastinating, or whining well. I don't handle sneaky, underhanded games at all. Nor am I good at putting on a show...with me, I'm a pretty open book and what you see is what you get. If you are quick enough, you will know my thoughts by my facial expression and if you don't catch those...you will end up getting a toned down response that is a little more tactful. The thing is, with me, you need to be very careful of pushing me too far. Once I've hit my limit, I will come completely uncorked and there will not be anything "nice" that comes out of my mouth. I have massive control on my temper and my tongue, but that control has a limit.

With everything going on in my life, that control is slipping pretty rapidly. I've been stressed enough that I've spent the better part of 4 months struggling with illnesses or body aches. I've not been able to cry about anything for almost a year. When you resign yourself to exactly what you didn't want, but that's the direction your life is going...you quit caring. The thing is, I'm not depressed, or unhappy...I'm resentful, I'm angry, I'm irritated, I'm not being fulfilled and I'm not able to do what I want to be able to do. I am struggling with one conflict/drama after another, my life has become a three ring circus that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I'm tired of ignorance, being made to feel horrible for things out of my control, I'm tired of being everything to everyone, I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm crazy for behaviors that are not mine, and I'm tired of having to minimize who I am to fit what everyone else thinks I should be.

Guess what???I'm TIRED!!!! I am worn clear out - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am struggling to get through each day without losing my temper, and losing my mind. I have goals for my life, my career, my family and even our little farm. You know what I don't have??? Any more tolerance! How I am treated, is how others will be treated.

While I am trying to come to grips with how to handle/manage the chaos in my life; it's become imperative that I find an outlet for some of this noise in my head. From other's opinions on how/what needs to be done, to other's opinions on what I should/should not be doing, other's inability to know truth from fiction, other's constant B.S. games, and the mind games of saying something and then being told that's not what was said. It's too much.

I like the way I live, I work hard to be the best person I can be every single day, I love the work I am doing with veterans, and I love being with my kids. I love to learn, try new things, and be organized. When there is chaos, clutter(physically or metaphorically) it drives me insane. After spending so much time fighting the result of stresses this year, I'm drained.

So, as we begin to enter the Fall/Winter seasons that I've always loved, I'm hoping to find a shard of the contentment, excitement, and fulfillment again. I will go through the motions as I must, but even that is becoming a challenge. I am a horrible liar, and I'm not much better at putting on a show. I guess we'll see where the remainder of the year goes.

As for general life, the gardens are getting emptied this weekend, we have a new calf due any day, the two bottle calves are doing good and super adorable. The chickens are finally laying good, I just hope they continue through the colder months. We only managed about 3/4 of what was planned from the garden(canning) but as chaotic as the last months have been...we did great getting what we got. I have a few things left to can, a few things left to freeze, we need to get the meat restocked in the freezer, and prepare for getting pigs again in the spring; assuming everything goes as planned the next several months.

So, since several have asked, I'm ok. I will always be ok. I may struggle, and even fall on occasion...but I will never give up. Sometimes, I just need to reassess each of the stressors, find their importance/lack there of, and change course. I have always fought for what I believed in, and even though the wind is not currently in my sails, doesn't mean it won't return. It just means that right now, I need to be re-evaluating and finding new solutions. I tend to withdraw from everything when I get overwhelmed. I do what I have to and need to so that I can move forward. Staying still or going backwards is not an option for me.

Thanks for your thoughts, emails, texts and messages. I'm good.

~S~