Coffee and Conversation

 

Just 2 days left of July. I know I am constantly asking, "where has the month and year gone?" Some days seem to drag on for weeks, while I seem to miss others, all together. The heat has been oppressive and my body is just not working with me, to be outdoors much in it. While I have shared a lot of deeper thoughts this month, I have really been working on me. I will tell you, I love who I am becoming, even though I work diligently to be better each day. Honestly, sometimes I am a problem but sometimes, I am just not willing to be a door mat anymore and that creates issue too.

 

It's amazing to me, how anyone would not want to become a better version of themselves. I know. I think differently. Maybe because of that, I don't allow myself to become less. I am always striving for more...more understanding, more patience, more peace, and/or just be a better human. I get wrapped up in issues, in moments and even some areas of concern in my own life...but I am always learning. I want to learn. I want to challenge myself to overcome my own barriers. I won't limit myself to the opinions of others, and to my own stress - many times, I do my best to try to understand even those who have hurt me. I've been the person that has carried so much guilt when I have made choices that were not easy to make. The choices that meant choosing myself or my family first. 

 

One of the lessons I am still learning, is a double edged sword. I'm told I should accept success of raising kids that are young adults and are good and productive people. I am proud of them for that. However, I wasn't prepared for the feeling of loss, grief, or complete removal from their lives. While we are not perfect, our home - at least I attempted to make it this way, was a safe zone. Anything that was said here, stayed here. You could have and share your opinion, even if was different from ours, and even if there was contentious debate. We never expected our kids to agree with us, just because we were the parents. As Mom, I was the mediator a lot. I may not agree with an opinion, but I was going to do my best, to try to get my husband to understand the kids opinions. I took on the roles I was needed to take on, for my kids. Whether it was teaching after the public school debacle, learning holistic/natural medicine after a severe allergic reaction nearly killed my youngest, fielding all the negative insults from managing our unconventional lives, choosing to put my life and career on hold to make my kids my #1 priority, learning to manage a shoe string single budget, battling my own health issues alone, putting my own needs on hold, and even putting my marriage behind everything else. Once your kids are grown, they move out and begin their lives; I had found myself asking, "now what?" It might be different if they didn't become fully removed but I am no longer responsible for that. I wanted to maintain weekly meals, so I didn't lose the bond. That hasn't happened. So, instead I rarely see them, talk to them or know how they are doing. So, maybe being a stay-at-home mom wasn't the choice. Maybe making sure my kids had my full attention, never had to question if their mom would be there, never had to struggle or want for just the basics; wasn't as "right" as I once believed. Maybe shielding them from so many trials, so many poor influences was not the answer I thought it would be. Even with all that said, I would not change most of it! I have loved being with my kids. Even the rough days, the heart breaks, the battle of wills; does not hold a candle to all the times they would curl up next me, seek me out to just talk, hug me and tell me they love me, or being there for every milestone in their lives. I will never be a perfect Mom, but I will always be their Mom, who loves them unconditionally!! Beyond Infinity!!! 

 

When you are working on yourself, you have to admit to your own imperfections. I am full of them! I have dealt with some milestones of my own. Some of the biggest: having my kids, facing cancer at 26 years old, losing family members and friends that meant the world to me, learning the life I now live, demanding stability, facing past demons, and even now, with the milestone of maturity. I have not always handled any of it with grace. It's been messy, conflicted, and filled with a lot of doubts. Second guessing was a constant companion for years. Somewhere along the way, a quiet acceptance has begun moving in. The only control I have, is for my own self, my own reactions, and my own choices. While life may have been a little easier had I been like everyone else, that is not who I am. I have never been afraid to face a challenge head-on, to fix problems rather than let them weigh me down, and to go through whatever needed to be gone through...even it meant taking on the world alone. For several years, I have gotten bogged down and struggled to find my solid ground. It's strange to say, by having to walk through so much of it alone; I would not have survived it, if I was not such a strong person.  The past few weeks, I'm finding more of my solid ground. The acceptance of not being like everyone else and being content to walk in my own skin; has taken hold. While I am not like everyone else, I am so much more than many will ever see or know. My circle is small, more like a dot, there are very few that see the whole picture...not because I keep people out but because they choose their place. When people choose to walk away, I leave them to their choices. I can not force anyone to be part of my life, and I won't even try. I have high standards of myself, and I expect it from others. There is no sense in battling to be part of someone/something else when it's not returned. 

 

One lesson I was taught many years ago, was to respect myself. This lesson has stuck with me. There is a huge difference between respecting yourself and thinking you are better than others...that is arrogance. This brings about another lesson, and I'm sure my Mom's Mom smiles at this....grammar. She always wanted to teach English, and man would she cringe today! Using the correct terminology, punctuation, and actually knowing the definitions of the words used. Even with the brain fog I've dealt with for several years, I try hard to make sure I am using correct terms, especially. I tend to rush through social media posts, because most of that is a bunch of garbage anymore...but I do attempt to at least spell words correctly and using the proper wording. I have real trouble with all the abbreviations out now. And getting texts or messages with them and/or no punctuation; looking like you threw all the Scrabble letters on the floor. I hate it. If I am not worth the 5 seconds it takes to type out a message, please wait until you have the time. Better yet, physical visits are much preferred! Everything has gotten so impersonal now, people don't know how interact. Between the noise boxes, video games, texts/messages, and social media...so many problems have occurred that could have been prevented. We don't actually talk anymore, and so many listen to respond but not to actually hear. 

 

As we come to a new month, it's the start of a new school year for us. It's also the last full month of getting all the veteran hunt details and fundraising finalized,  it's working through "must do" outdoor projects before the cold comes in, working in the garden, and getting my house organized again. I've found that by keeping myself super busy, it forces me to not deal with some of things I need to. So, I am working to clear out lists so I can continue to stay on solid ground. I have been so blessed with so much in my life. It's the blessings that need focus, not the trials. Trials, you work to fix, while building even more blessings. That's where I am now. 

Today's deep thoughts...

 

 

 

 

As it relates to so many things, I've said and heard this for years, "no one is coming to save you, you have to save yourself." Most people can't see beyond their own circumstances to be helpful, let alone save anyone else. Why should they? Each of us have battles, that can feel insurmountable in our own lives.  It does not matter if those are health, financial or relationship related. While we can minimize our issues saying, "someone always has it worse or someone would be happy with what you have," and that is true; but what we face or battle feels massive, it threatens our coping abilities, and at the very least, is a disruption to our life. So, it goes back to, no one is going to save you, EXCEPT YOU! 

 

The last few years, the cost of so much has been huge. So many people have had tough decisions to make. Do they pay their bills, buy food, pay for medications, or what can they let slide. You couldn't even rob Peter to pay Paul...Paul was broke too. The cost of things was so much more than just the money though. It became a cost to health, relationships, and mindset. While some chose to just keep their heads down and do whatever what necessary, some took the thought of getting/staying prepared for whatever might come, and some withdrew from about everything and everyone. We've seen the older generations having to go back to work just to make ends meet. We've seen multiple generations going to extremes of living in debt to keep up a life style or the come back of multi-generational homes to help everyone involved. For me, it's been a mixed basket.

 

We live on a strict budget, and have for over 20 years. We have spent decades living a prepared life style. We have watched as once strong bonded relationships have been discarded. We have struggled with the greedy/self centered mindset. We have had our own battles. We are 2 very different people, and that leads to 2 very different perspectives. While I am a strong person; I lead from the shadow. I am the force constantly holding the middle ground, the one trying to give the perspective of others, always the referee, yet always the bad guy. I am the one that gives chances until there's nothing left to give. I am the one always trying to help others, to be the reminder we are not going to make the same choices or have the same heart, who works so hard to not become as cold as the world seems. Yep, I get hurt often, have my heart broken and struggle to understand sometimes. There have been a lot of years, when I am asked, why and how I don't just walk away. My answer is usually the same, "that's not who I am; my integrity won't let me quit." You see, your integrity is all about who you are...even with those who can do nothing for you, or those who abuse your personality. While I may not do what I once did for those that abused all I was willing to do...discarding them, walking away, or cutting them off...that takes me a lot to get to that point. I will never be a person that could wish ill, on anyone. 

 

I can't speak for anyone else, or tell what others may be thinking. I don't deal with rumors or gossip. I'm more of a "get from the horses mouth, or shut up," type of person. I don't get the need to tell other people's stories. I may share something in my home, about my thoughts, but it does not leave my home. If it does, then I have a limited source to go to, and knock out the B.S. I don't know the choices others face in their circumstances, anymore than others know the choices I face. If I don't share it, it's none of your business. Period. I have strong opinions, I do a LOT of research, but my life is mine. I've questioned, a lot lately, about having that proverbial inner circle. Mine is more like a dot. I have certain people I do go to about certain subjects, but no one gets full, unbridled me anymore. So, maybe in some regards I have hardened a bit. I'm comfortable in my self, even if there are times I wish I could vent, unfiltered. It is what it is. People listen to respond, not to actually hear, anyway. 

 

I have spent years sharing a lot of different information. Honestly, it's been more to try to help others to know, they may not be alone. Whether that has been natural/holistic healthcare, preserving/canning, farm life, history, politics, and even the dramatic years of peri and meno-pause. Generation X'ers have hit the phase of the pause, empty nest, and the years of wondering what now. While the Boomer generation was much larger, my generation is on a plane of its own. So, not only documenting this phase change for my daughter, but also having an outlet for the "what new hell will I face today," stage of life. I know I am not alone in this chaos, as I read social media posts from so many my age. I truly read those posts and pray for them to find an outlet too. My generation grew up before Google, mostly before technology in general. We were literally playing in the roads popping tar bubbles with sticks, we were outdoors from the moment we were up until the dark, we rode our bicycles miles every day, and we didn't have to be told "don't try this at home." Our parents worked, neighbors watched out for us, and if we screwed up....our parents wrath scared the hell out of us. We were raised to be tough. We were raised to know that every action had an equal and opposite reaction. We learned common sense, because not learning hurt and once you got hurt...you didn't run home because one of two things was going to happen...you were going to get your ass beat for being stupid, or you were told to stop being a sissy-go rub some dirt on it. And feelings...THAT makes me physically laugh! If your feelings were hurt, guess what....NO ONE CARED, and likely you would continue to be the butt of everyone else's jokes...for a LONG time! Boys grew up to be tough guys...that was not a bad thing. Many grew up knowing how to protect others. They earned respect...it was not just given. To this day, I don't give respect unless it's earned. Girls grew up tough too. Well, at least I did. You learned to tolerate pain, to stand up for yourself, throw a few punches if necessary(you better not start a fight, but you sure as hell better finish it), and having siblings...usually meant some type of WWE wrestling matches, for good measure. Those siblings could bicker and battle among themselves, but no one else better try to do the same, or you had all the siblings banded together. To a degree, that doesn't change over time. We just grew up different. 

 

Somewhere, so much has been lost. No matter how hard you try to rebuild the areas important to you, it's not always going to work. We can work so hard to heal generational traumas, heal from life circumstances, or heal relationships; it is a double sided coin. You can heal, you. Period. You can protect those you love, but only to a degree. You can even raise your kids with your values, and they can veer off the path.  I was very fortunate in high school to have a teacher that was more like a mentor to most that took his classes. Maybe I was just at the point of being able to actual hear and not just listen. Either way, he was always doling out advice:  dress for success - the way you dress, teaches others how to treat you, be mindful of the company you keep - not everyone has your best interest in mind - some are just trying to bring you down to their level so they are not alone, or sharing Zig Zigler's advice: "show me the 5 people you spend the most time with and I will tell you how successful(or not) they will be."  That teacher, taught me so much, but helped me to build myself into the type of person I wanted to be...not what anyone else thought I should be. So many of his lessons, I still live by today. Those lessons, were among others, that allowed me to become the strong, independent and to be able to lead without constant recognition. Huh, maybe I learned a little too well?! 

 

I am constantly telling people they need to find an outlet...whether that be stress relief or just to grow. My outlet has been writing. I write these blogs, I have hundreds of notebooks full of thoughts, I have "poems," and nature has always been healing for me. The energy of the world has felt pretty rough for several years, and even I have found myself in a battle of saying what I think/trying to keep peace/sugar coating for those I know can't handle much else/feeling alone. I pray everyday and have for years. When others push me away, I stay in my lane, and leave them to those they choose. I'm not one who is going to beg anyone for anything. I'm sure that's consider a major flaw. I have more respect for myself than that. 

 

That is one area that I neglected for a lot of years. Respecting myself. When you are in moment of motherhood, schooling, and just fighting to keep your kids and marriage intact; it happens. Then the kids are grown, and you are asking "what now?" I didn't keep up with the outside world; my focus was solely on raising good and productive young people. My degree is worthless, my skill set is obsolete. I'm 50 years old and really don't want to do the bar tending/waitress thing again. I can't justify thousands of dollars to go back to college.  I have about zero tolerance of the behavior patterns I see when I venture out in public. We didn't keep up with date nights, or dating each other. He worked to provide, I raised kids and took care of the house. Then we added the home schooling, and severe medical issues. So again, that left me wondering, what am I supposed to do now? It took a big move and many issues to return to being able to respect myself again. There are still obstacles, and questions, but I know and respect who I am again. That's a good start. We don't need all the answers to start making improvements. One thing I will remind everyone, improving yourself is an individual endevore....improving relationships - no matter the type, takes 2 working and growing together, or there is an equal and oppose reaction. 

 

So, anyway, there's some deep thoughts for today.