Winds of Change?

Each one of us go through changes throughout our lives.  We begin to experience these changes throughout the major age changes.  It goes from Childhood, to Teens, to Young Adults, to Parenting, To Mid-life, to Retirement, etc.  Some days these things change on an hourly basis at any point in our lives. 

Having reached "mid-life,"  I know the changes that are happening to me both physically and mentally.  Having spent almost 14 years as a wife, and 11 1/2 years as a Mom...I can honestly say that my own emotions, and needs have changed through the years.  As a young adult, I believed in the proverbial "happily ever after."  In my mid to late 20's, I learned that fairy tales are just that!  In my early 30's, I learned so much about faith, unexpected blessings, and simplicity.  As I get closer to my 40's, I am still learning and wanting to learn.  I have began to look at life so much differently.  I am also finding that my needs are changing again, as well.

For the past year, I have been attempting to find out who I am again.  Outside of being a wife and Mom... I have been trying to find "Salli" in tangled web of who I am.  So, I have done a lot of soul searching, and continue to do so every day, and have tried to let go of some of the control I have tried to keep for years.  As someone who has to have some sort of control over everything that happens in my life...this has been difficult.  I have delegated out some of the regular chores, even though I don't always like the way they are done...it's a few less things I have to do and it gives me a little time to focus on me. 

I have found that I have become way too serious, spontaneity is not normal for me, and being consumed by what I think it means to have a great life, great marriage, being a great parent, etc.  consumes me every single day.  I am seriously NOT complaining about my life.  I have been extremely blessed to be able to live this life despite the times of trials.  However, even through all the blessings I feel and the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom, there still seems to be something lacking.  I can honestly tell you that what's lacking is me.  I can't place any blame on any one, because it's my responsibility to be happy within myself.  Although I'm still not certain how to make that happen, I am trying  everyday. 

I know as I have gotten older, I am finding that I do need to be more willing to let others help me.  I need to regain my ability to speak up for myself, and to not let others treat or talk to me as if they are better than me.  I have let people treat me like a doormat, and verbally degrade me for many years.  As I work to re-empower and regain myself, it becomes more apparent to me that the person I have become is not who I want to be.  I want to be the person who is fun, responsible, stands up for herself even in the face of adversity, who no one can push around....basically the person I was 15 years ago.  That person was me, I didn't care what others thought of me, I was happy with me.  When I looked in the mirror, I didn't cringe at the reflection. 

At this point in my life, I have found that I need to be respected....by my family, extended family and friends.  They don't have to agree with me or like my decisions...but they have to respect them.  I need my family to understand that just because an idea is not in the proverbial box, does not necessarily mean it's "stupid or wrong."  I will not be taken for granted any more.  It's not to be assumed that I will just do everything, the small common courtesy's of please and thank you will get you a long way.  I don't know everything, and I am not always right but I will be honest and  loyal to those that treat me with respect.  If you are disrespectful, judgmental, and degrading...you will be excluded from my life.  There are too many people that emit  so much negativity it just absolutely drains me, emotionally!  I do not want negativity around me or my family.

As my husband and I approach our 14 year anniversary, there have been many times I didn't think we'd reach this point.  We have had our fair share of trials, road bumps, happiness, and upsets.  We have different opinions, thoughts, and ways of dealing with things.  We've tried to make sure there has been time for us as a couple since we've had kids, and sometimes that works.  Sometimes....it doesn't.  We can always tell when we haven't had "couple time."  We find our relationship being stressed, even though we talk every day, it's not the same as a weekend of just us.  For several months now, we've had so many pressing things going on that finding a weekend to just be a couple hasn't happened.  We've had too many things going on and haven't taken time for us. 

I hope that I can continue to redevelop myself into the person I want to be.  I know many Moms who are experiencing similar emotions and are trying to re-find themselves.  This has been a year long journey so far for me, and I'm still not done. 

"I may not be the person I should be, but I'm better than I used to be."
Salli