This crazy thing called life!

Every day there are different things to learn, memories to treasure and areas that you can reflect on to grow.  ~S~

 In my life, this couldn't be more true.  I have such an interesting vantage point.  I am home with my kids every single day, and I am not only Mom to them, but also teacher, mentor, friend, guidance counselor, and spiritual guide.  I have had the privilege of learning how my kids learn, their perspectives, and helping them learn to think for themselves...not just being taught what to think.  Although there are days I would love some different types of disciplines...we teach our kids to think for themselves,  ask questions, and question everything.  Not to be blindly lead just by what they read and hear.  It's amazing what kind, and how many questions a little persons mind can imagine.  The things we, as adults, think are so finely cut.  A little person doesn't have the reserve.  They naturally think outside the box, and look for the most innovative way to do things.  Even though we mold our children into what they are expected be, if left to develop in their natural way, these amazing little people can honestly become whomever they choose!

This brings me to, well, ME!  :)  Today my husband and I celebrate 13 years of marriage.  To say we've had a roller coaster relationship, is a pretty accurate description.  Our backgrounds, and geographical difference really caused havoc early on.  In 2000, we had our oldest.  After being told for years I would never have children, this was a huge celebration.  In 2001, they found the cervical cancer that was removed and still gone today.  Life was really rocky in those early days.  Lots of arguments, disagreements and being a first time Mom...lots of unsure footings.  By 2003, we were having a lot of different issues-disagreements on raising our oldest, money, different dreams, and so much more.  We actually divorced.  After 4 months, we got remarried and have been together since.  That's not to say things got better for a while.  It took us until just the last 6 years to finally get better at communicating, which in turn lead to realizing that many of our dreams and goals are the same.  Our life plan/goals, are running pretty close to parallel now.  That's not to say that our marriage is perfect!  We still have plenty of disagreements, we still annoy the crap out of each other, there's still days we look at each other and wonder how the heck we ever ended up together.  That being said, we are also now the best of friends.  We talk about everything, even if we disagree.  We make plans together, we have dreams that aren't that different from the other, and we have goals together.

Although we still have several very trying times, we do work well together.  Because we are so different from each other, it allows each of us to see a different perspective....even if we still don't agree.  We still have days that it's easier to not talk to each other, there's still days that no matter what we do-we annoy each other.  But there are many more days when I look forward to him getting home so we can have one of our deep conversations about life, kids, love, family, our goals and anything else that may come up.

I know that choosing this life has changed me.  Some days I really feel like it has made me a better person.  Other days, I'm just annoyed that I'm not the head-strong, independent person that I once was.  It's a constant ping-pong for me, as to who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.  Most days, I am happy with who I have become, although I wish I still had some of that stiff backbone I once had.  You just never know what kind of curve balls life will through at you.  As my favorite poem states...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost

~~Sal~~

What are the chances?

As I was reading through some blogs today, I have found that there are a few wonderful ladies who have actually had some similar experience to what I have gone through.  It made me start to think.  These women are doing exactly what I love to do, they are receiving thousands of views everyday, getting paid to be home with their families, and the knowledge I have is just an addition to what they have.  So, it made me wonder what and why I hadn't thought of so much more of this sooner!

As a person who fears failure, but accepts it humbly....I realized that each failure is just another opportunity to grow and learn.  With that being said, it does not make any failure any easier, but it does put it into perspective for me. 

My areas of knowledge don't necessarily mean I'm an expert, but they are areas that I have learned, learned by other failures, or studied.  I am not a well-rounded person.  Until I moved to Missouri in the late 90's, my knowledge was bar-tending and business.  I knew nothing of gardening, farming, canning, or natural health.  The past 15 years have taught me much more than the first 22 years of my life.  The past 15 years have been hard, trying, rewarding, overwhelming, and many of the things I've learned...I did so to fit with my new extended family.  I can tell you that I am very glad I have learned so much though.  I still strive to learn something new everyday.

Now, I work hard to keep my family in a natural environment.  Most of our foods are grown, raised or bought organically.  Most of any illness is treated using herbs and teas, as opposed to prescriptions.  I'm not against them, as every form of medicine has a time and place, however I believe too many people are too quick to ask for an RX, before finding the source of the problem.  Our family is a home school family out of necessity.  It was not our original plan, but it is our choice now.  It's not necessarily for everyone, but it was the best choice for us. 

As a wife and a mom, I have attempted to work outside of home.  It didn't work for us.  I was basically working to work.  I wasn't making enough to justify working.  Having been a SAHM for 10 years now, I'm finding that trying to find work( even part-time) is very difficult.  Many of my skills are outdated, and I have a complete lack of patience to deal with not-so-intelligent people.  The one area of knowledge that I somewhat still have is a field that requires a lot jumping through hoops, hurry up and wait, and lots of time spent for the interviewing process.  Not everyone understands the process that goes into this field, but when you do get into it, it's a great paying field. 

I have spent a lot of time trying out the home-business industry.  I tried many different opportunities and were complete scams.  I bought into 4 different companies that worked for awhile but my lack of willingness to put the business before my family...there are just 2 I work with now.  One is fun and has made me a decent income.  The other is great, but takes a lot more time and has not made me much to this point.  My true passion is writing, helping people and caring for my family.

Now comes the interesting time.  How to make a decent income, care for my family, and find something that stirs a passion in my heart.  So, now to make a list of areas that stir that passion.  A short list is pretty easy.  Helping others, helping my community, writing, teaching children about yesteryear, spending time on my computer learning, and working in my garden.  A longer list...that's becoming more difficult.  The longer I stay out of the working environment, the less useful skills I have.  My dilemma is deciding what direction to take from here.  Do I try to find money to go back to school, do I attempt some sort of home business, keep working with home-based businesses, find a skill and charge to teach others, or what?  I'd be curious to hear your thoughts.  Please feel free to leave comments!

As I venture into this weekend, this will all be weighing heavily on my mind.  Hopefully, an evening out with my hubby for our anniversary will allow us to bounce ideas off each other without interruption. 

~Sal

Fabulously Friday!

Good Morning Friends! 

After almost 2 weeks of one obstacle after another, I am seriously ready to turn this page and move on!  I woke up this morning and found myself feeling much better about the overall outlook I have.  I am going to contribute this attitude change to some serious "garden therapy," last night.

The first time I heard the term, "garden therapy," it was from one of my Aunts.  I have since taken the term, to new heights for me.  Although my Aunt has beautiful gardens of flowers, and vegetables.  I have used my therapy time to to plant, weed, and harvest the foods we will eat throughout the coming Winter.  When I get to be in the garden, my hands covered in dirt and stained green from pulling weeds, you begin to feel at peace with nature.  Since March, I have spent several hours in my gardens, even had to replant 2 of them from Spring storms.  I love my garden time.  Garden time/therapy, is a time to just BE.  You can have a few quiet moments, you can pray, or you can simple take in the beauty of nature and all she provides us with.  Sometimes, just sitting in the dirt, listening to the birds sing, the bullfrogs croak, and the crickets chirp; is all it takes to quiet the mind, body and soul.

On this Fabulous Friday, I am going to share some of my favorite pictures on Hayfield Homestead Face Book page.  Our little homestead has grown in leaps & bounds over the past 8 months.  We are continually blessed with such a beautiful home, and farm.  Although we have encountered many trials, and many lessons learned...we feel we have really made great accomplishments.  If you haven't found us on Face Book yet, give us a "look-see."  And don't forget to visit our web site hayfieldhomestead.com. 
~Sal

"There'll be days like this...."

It's amazing to me how a simple stretch of "bad luck," can take a toll on you're whole attitude.  I have had about 9 days of really crappy issues that have been wearing on my attitude, my ability to deal with stress, and my already low tolerance of B.S. 

My string of crappy issues began about 9 days ago when something (we believe a coyote) ate our new bull calf, then continued on to a coon getting 3 of our adult laying hens, then the weather heated up and we had no air, to the a/c guy not being able to make it one day, to the next day having it take literally ALL day (8am-5pm) to get the air on, to a water leak on my giant tub and no shut-offs.  During all of this, my attitude and my tolerance continued to get lower and lower.  Finally, yesterday, my body had had enough.  I laid down at 8pm, because I had a headache from hell.  I slept all night, clear through until 7 this morning.  I still have a headache, but I'm able to see a little break through in my attitude. 

I have neglected so much over the past 9 days, simple because it was just too much to add to my shoulders.  I have peas that need picked and canned, beets that need picked and canned.  The house looks like a whirlwind blew through here, and organizing has taken a backseat to self-pity.  The best thing, for me, to come from so many trials in so few days.....a whole lot of reflection.  As I get older, I find myself doing more reflection during the hardest times of my life.  It's during the trials, that I am doing so much growing.  It amazes me how that happens. 

During my reflection times, usually when I have sunk to my lowest points.  It's when I can't take anymore stress, and I am on the brink of tears. (Which just doesn't happen.  It's been years!)  I seem to learn more about me, what I can handle, what true strength I have, and what it's going to take for me to keep on, keeping on.  These last several days, have pointed out a lot to me.  Some good, some bad, some things I need to work on, and some areas that I have to face that I'm not ever going to excel in.  Sometimes, it's hard to face facts when you aren't able to achieve certain things.  Sometimes though, it's a relief to be able to say..."there are just some things I'm not able to do and it's OK to let them go." One area that I am really bad at, is being able to say "NO!"  I try to do too much, and I end up overwhelmed and stressed.  There are many areas that I am capable of achieving, but I'm not given much opportunity.  There are some areas, that I know I excel in and that many others just won't do.  Then there are those disturbing areas, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to, I will not be able to achieve even a thread of achievement.  It's during times, as I've had of late, that I am able to make these revelations.

As of late, I've discovered my inability to say no, my lack of knowledge in overall farm operations, my strength in cooking/raising my kids, and the fact that I will never measure up in some folk's eyes. You know, I am OK with not measuring up.  It seems funny to say that, but I do not do what I do to get approval from anyone.  I have tried new adventures, only to find that my abilities suck!  I have learned that no matter how many degrees you hold, there is always so much more to learn.  I've also learned that even those who hold degrees aren't always smart or wise.  I have decided that so many people compete with others because they lack self-approval.  I've also learned that no matter how much you love your family and friends, sometimes they are the ones that cause pain and self-doubt.

You know, so much is revealed when you are a journal/diary writer.  Just yesterday, I sat down and decided to write whatever came to mind.  I ended up stopping, in less than 10 minutes, when I had 2 pages.  I'm going to share my writing, and maybe you can find some strength through my own vulnerabilities.

June 20, 2012:  I am who I am, that's all I can be.
I am spirited, opinionated, analytic.
  I am strong, I am weak.
I think deeply and look beyond today.
  I worry, I over-think, and I stress.
I have a heart for giving and helping others.
  I have - at times too much heart, too much compassion, and care too much.
I try too hard, guard my heart.
  I keep walls up and never let anyone get too close. 
I keep secrets and I have private moments,
  when I escape to someplace that makes me happy.
I love my life and there are days I hate my life.
  There are days I can't imagine life any other way.  There are days I just want to start over.
I have so many thoughts, so many emotions.
  Many of which I never express.
I won't argue over most things, because it's just not worth a fight.
  I bite my tongue to keep the peace, I became a doormat to avoid constant resentment.
I struggle to find a person within that I can live with.
  I struggle to fit in a world that is so foreign to me.
I constantly struggle to find some resemblance of the person I want to be.
I want to be happy. 
I want to be free to love.
I want to tear down the walls.
I want to be loved for the person I am,
  the person I want to be and all my flaws.
I want to know I am a priority in some one's life, that I am important.
  I want to know I am accepted as I am.

As you can see, my thoughts are random, but they are also raw.  These are the thoughts that go through my head when I am reflecting.  These are the thoughts that help me to move forward and become a better person. 

It's impossible to ever have a happy life if you are not happy with yourself.
Happy Reflecting!
~Sal~

It's one of THOSE days....

Have you had a day when all you really want to do is just hide out?  Not answer the phone, not deal with any people; when you really wonder why you even try?  I find it kind of interesting that there have been several of my blogger friends who have felt this way lately.  I have personally experience this over the past 36 hours.  I have attempted to try new things, and step out of my comfort zone.  I'm not completely new to the "farm" life but some of stuff that has happened has really had me questioning my ability to adapt.

I have spent 14 years adapting to the life that R has always lived.  I fought it or years.  I fought to hold on to the person I was and the life that I had known.  I didn't mind the country life, but needed to keep enough visits to the city to keep my mind active.  I learned how to garden, can the foods out of the garden, shoot a gun and a bow, hunt, and how to survive.  Not to mention how to be a Mom, and blend with a spouse that was completely different than I was.  About 6 years ago, I gave in.  I bit the bullet, so to speak.  I decided it was time to put my full effort into my relationship, my child(at the time there was only 1), and to be able to say I was giving my full attention.  It has been an interesting journey.  There have been plenty of disagreements, plenty of obstacles, plenty of trials, plenty of interference, but there have also been several wonderful times, some new learning experiences, and some lessons I never want to experience again.

Some of the new learning experiences have been done grudgingly.  I learned from them, but they honestly sucked!  Some have been fun, while others yet really made me dig deep to find the strength to get through.  As our lives transitioned into the life we have today, many of the new experiences of a farm I have willingly learned.  Finding that some I enjoy more that ever imaginable, while others I am finding I need to just let go.  Some things are just too much of an aggravation to keep attempting. 

As I try to understand some of the changes/events happening recently I have come to the conclusion that there are just some things I will not understand, and I will not ever measure up.  It's okay, I will stick with what I know, but when I am asked to do something new...don't be surprised when I say no.  Don't be surprised by noticeable withdrawal from situations and the walls that just keep getting higher.  I have dealt with the negativity, I have dealt with the lack of support, I have dealt with being put into no-win situations, not to mention the constant reminder of my own inadequacy.  I am accepting my limitations and I am accepting my life.  However, I do know that I am capable of so much more than I am given credit for, and smarter than I've allowed myself to be for many years.  Someday, maybe others will see all that I have done to adapt to my environment, and rather than continuously degrade me....maybe someday, someone will see all that I have given, all that I continue to give - including my own dreams, to make someone elses dreams come true.

Although, the years have past and I find R and I are basically on the same thought process and agree how to raise our children, many of our thoughts are still  different.   Our communication styles are completely different, but most of the time it works. 

Over the past 36 hours, I've found that my abilities are still questioned on a regular basis.  I have plenty of my own insecurities, without have someone make you feel like the dirt beneath their feet. 

I guess I needed this venting time to try to release the hurt and be able to try to move past it.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will release this and allow whatever happens to happen.

~S.~

The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step!

Once in awhile, you are given the opportunity to share your knowledge with others.  During those times, you share information even if you are not an expert.  This sharing could help make someones day, help someone grow, or even inspire them to reach beyond their own current knowledge to embrace something new.

This is what our family has decided to do with our new web site, Face book page and this blog.  Although, I am typically the main computer person in our family, we will all be sharing stories along our journey.  R.-the reside farmer who grew up with farming and livestock, works outside of home and juggles work, kids, and personal hobbies.  Sal-the former "city girl" as R. calls me.  Mom, wife, teacher for our kids, home business owner and becoming knowledgeable of the farm life.  J. - our oldest.  Learning the farm life, growing into a remarkable young man, our reside "animal whisperer," and great big brother.  C.-our youngest.  Growing up as a farm girl, daddy's sidekick, adores her big brother, full of energy, and no fear of trying anything.  Our little family has embarked on a path that is definitely outside the modern norm.  Everything from food self-sufficiency to home schooling, to relying on natural health aids, independent thinking, and treating each other with respect...from oldest to youngest.  We are firm believers in in including our kids in almost every aspect of our lives.

Our family goals were established once we got into our new home.  Raise and grow the majority of our food, have a home that is family focused, teach our kids so that they can become productive members of society, allow independent thinking so that we can all make and learn to make the most common sense decisions possible, and to take the focus off what society thinks is best and turn it to what is best for our family.  We tend to think outside the proverbial box and travel a path that is not the norm in today's society.  We find obstacles and trials along every path, but use them as learning experiences and a means of determining who our true friends are.

As we set out along our journey, we are constantly learning.  It's during these learning stages that I want to share what we are learning with those that have embraced our family even though we do things differently.  Each day, on our Face book page, I will be sharing information that I find and have found to help us along the way.  Everyday will have a different theme.  We hope that some shard of information we share will help inspire others to live an intended life.  Here is our themes!
Monday's - Mainstay Mondays - Information to help maintain your homes and lives. Everything from groceries, to quick first aid, to organization, etc.
Tuesday's - Teaching Tuesdays - Inspiration, topics that we are teaching our kids, etc.
Wednesday's - Word! - Since the average vocabulary has shrank from around 50,000 words to just above 25,000....Every Wednesday we'll post 5 words that we are teaching our kids.
Thursday's - Thursday Thrifts - We'll share ideas on how to save money!
Friday's - Farm Favorites Friday - We'll share cute pictures of our farm animals, new recipes, and other amazing farm favorites.
Saturday's - Saturday Randoms - Saturday's I will share random thoughts, ideas, etc.  Usually ones that do not fit into any other category!
Sunday's - Sunday Shares - We will share our favorite blogs, websites and Face book pages.

Welcome to our journey!  We hope you enjoy the ride as much as we are!
~Sal

Growing Herbs

I have come to the conclusion that growing herbs is my constant challenge!  I can't seem to get them to do very good.  I have bought pots that have several different kinds in them, I've tried growing from seed, and I've bought individual plants to grow....absolutely nothing is working!  I'm not sure how to get them to grow, I'm not sure when to know when they are ready to use, and I'm not certain how to do better at growing them. 

I've read where you need to cut the buds off some, use only the leaves on others, and honestly...I have some that came in a pot that I have no idea what they are!!!  Anyone have any suggestions, ideas, or advice?  I'd love to hear from you!
~Salli