It's one of THOSE days....

Have you had a day when all you really want to do is just hide out?  Not answer the phone, not deal with any people; when you really wonder why you even try?  I find it kind of interesting that there have been several of my blogger friends who have felt this way lately.  I have personally experience this over the past 36 hours.  I have attempted to try new things, and step out of my comfort zone.  I'm not completely new to the "farm" life but some of stuff that has happened has really had me questioning my ability to adapt.

I have spent 14 years adapting to the life that R has always lived.  I fought it or years.  I fought to hold on to the person I was and the life that I had known.  I didn't mind the country life, but needed to keep enough visits to the city to keep my mind active.  I learned how to garden, can the foods out of the garden, shoot a gun and a bow, hunt, and how to survive.  Not to mention how to be a Mom, and blend with a spouse that was completely different than I was.  About 6 years ago, I gave in.  I bit the bullet, so to speak.  I decided it was time to put my full effort into my relationship, my child(at the time there was only 1), and to be able to say I was giving my full attention.  It has been an interesting journey.  There have been plenty of disagreements, plenty of obstacles, plenty of trials, plenty of interference, but there have also been several wonderful times, some new learning experiences, and some lessons I never want to experience again.

Some of the new learning experiences have been done grudgingly.  I learned from them, but they honestly sucked!  Some have been fun, while others yet really made me dig deep to find the strength to get through.  As our lives transitioned into the life we have today, many of the new experiences of a farm I have willingly learned.  Finding that some I enjoy more that ever imaginable, while others I am finding I need to just let go.  Some things are just too much of an aggravation to keep attempting. 

As I try to understand some of the changes/events happening recently I have come to the conclusion that there are just some things I will not understand, and I will not ever measure up.  It's okay, I will stick with what I know, but when I am asked to do something new...don't be surprised when I say no.  Don't be surprised by noticeable withdrawal from situations and the walls that just keep getting higher.  I have dealt with the negativity, I have dealt with the lack of support, I have dealt with being put into no-win situations, not to mention the constant reminder of my own inadequacy.  I am accepting my limitations and I am accepting my life.  However, I do know that I am capable of so much more than I am given credit for, and smarter than I've allowed myself to be for many years.  Someday, maybe others will see all that I have done to adapt to my environment, and rather than continuously degrade me....maybe someday, someone will see all that I have given, all that I continue to give - including my own dreams, to make someone elses dreams come true.

Although, the years have past and I find R and I are basically on the same thought process and agree how to raise our children, many of our thoughts are still  different.   Our communication styles are completely different, but most of the time it works. 

Over the past 36 hours, I've found that my abilities are still questioned on a regular basis.  I have plenty of my own insecurities, without have someone make you feel like the dirt beneath their feet. 

I guess I needed this venting time to try to release the hurt and be able to try to move past it.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will release this and allow whatever happens to happen.

~S.~