"There'll be days like this...."

It's amazing to me how a simple stretch of "bad luck," can take a toll on you're whole attitude.  I have had about 9 days of really crappy issues that have been wearing on my attitude, my ability to deal with stress, and my already low tolerance of B.S. 

My string of crappy issues began about 9 days ago when something (we believe a coyote) ate our new bull calf, then continued on to a coon getting 3 of our adult laying hens, then the weather heated up and we had no air, to the a/c guy not being able to make it one day, to the next day having it take literally ALL day (8am-5pm) to get the air on, to a water leak on my giant tub and no shut-offs.  During all of this, my attitude and my tolerance continued to get lower and lower.  Finally, yesterday, my body had had enough.  I laid down at 8pm, because I had a headache from hell.  I slept all night, clear through until 7 this morning.  I still have a headache, but I'm able to see a little break through in my attitude. 

I have neglected so much over the past 9 days, simple because it was just too much to add to my shoulders.  I have peas that need picked and canned, beets that need picked and canned.  The house looks like a whirlwind blew through here, and organizing has taken a backseat to self-pity.  The best thing, for me, to come from so many trials in so few days.....a whole lot of reflection.  As I get older, I find myself doing more reflection during the hardest times of my life.  It's during the trials, that I am doing so much growing.  It amazes me how that happens. 

During my reflection times, usually when I have sunk to my lowest points.  It's when I can't take anymore stress, and I am on the brink of tears. (Which just doesn't happen.  It's been years!)  I seem to learn more about me, what I can handle, what true strength I have, and what it's going to take for me to keep on, keeping on.  These last several days, have pointed out a lot to me.  Some good, some bad, some things I need to work on, and some areas that I have to face that I'm not ever going to excel in.  Sometimes, it's hard to face facts when you aren't able to achieve certain things.  Sometimes though, it's a relief to be able to say..."there are just some things I'm not able to do and it's OK to let them go." One area that I am really bad at, is being able to say "NO!"  I try to do too much, and I end up overwhelmed and stressed.  There are many areas that I am capable of achieving, but I'm not given much opportunity.  There are some areas, that I know I excel in and that many others just won't do.  Then there are those disturbing areas, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to, I will not be able to achieve even a thread of achievement.  It's during times, as I've had of late, that I am able to make these revelations.

As of late, I've discovered my inability to say no, my lack of knowledge in overall farm operations, my strength in cooking/raising my kids, and the fact that I will never measure up in some folk's eyes. You know, I am OK with not measuring up.  It seems funny to say that, but I do not do what I do to get approval from anyone.  I have tried new adventures, only to find that my abilities suck!  I have learned that no matter how many degrees you hold, there is always so much more to learn.  I've also learned that even those who hold degrees aren't always smart or wise.  I have decided that so many people compete with others because they lack self-approval.  I've also learned that no matter how much you love your family and friends, sometimes they are the ones that cause pain and self-doubt.

You know, so much is revealed when you are a journal/diary writer.  Just yesterday, I sat down and decided to write whatever came to mind.  I ended up stopping, in less than 10 minutes, when I had 2 pages.  I'm going to share my writing, and maybe you can find some strength through my own vulnerabilities.

June 20, 2012:  I am who I am, that's all I can be.
I am spirited, opinionated, analytic.
  I am strong, I am weak.
I think deeply and look beyond today.
  I worry, I over-think, and I stress.
I have a heart for giving and helping others.
  I have - at times too much heart, too much compassion, and care too much.
I try too hard, guard my heart.
  I keep walls up and never let anyone get too close. 
I keep secrets and I have private moments,
  when I escape to someplace that makes me happy.
I love my life and there are days I hate my life.
  There are days I can't imagine life any other way.  There are days I just want to start over.
I have so many thoughts, so many emotions.
  Many of which I never express.
I won't argue over most things, because it's just not worth a fight.
  I bite my tongue to keep the peace, I became a doormat to avoid constant resentment.
I struggle to find a person within that I can live with.
  I struggle to fit in a world that is so foreign to me.
I constantly struggle to find some resemblance of the person I want to be.
I want to be happy. 
I want to be free to love.
I want to tear down the walls.
I want to be loved for the person I am,
  the person I want to be and all my flaws.
I want to know I am a priority in some one's life, that I am important.
  I want to know I am accepted as I am.

As you can see, my thoughts are random, but they are also raw.  These are the thoughts that go through my head when I am reflecting.  These are the thoughts that help me to move forward and become a better person. 

It's impossible to ever have a happy life if you are not happy with yourself.
Happy Reflecting!
~Sal~