Family Ties

"Family ties run blood deep. No matter how you
feel about the way they live their life, you are
bound together by the blood."


One week ago today, my family lost the physical presence of an extraordinary man, my paternal grandfather. It has been a whirlwind experience that really opened my eyes to how short life really is. Three and half weeks ago, he was driving a tractor in a parade, three weeks ago today he went into the hospital with a sinus infection and a residual affect of antibiotics, and a week ago he gained his wings.

I will not claim to know many of the details, but I can tell you, when something happens this fast you can't help but re-evaluate your own life. You tend to look at life a little differently; even if it's just for a short while. At least I do.

I moved away from all of my family 15 years ago. Although I did spend a lot of time traveling back and forth for the first several years, after having children and building a life here, it has been a lot of work to make a regular trip to see everyone, too often. As hard as it is to admit, I hadn't seen some of my family members in years! In the bittersweet way the loss of a loved one has, losing my Grandpa is no different. It took something so sad for me, to make me take the time to make the trip up to see that side of my family.

This trip allowed me to see family, and open my eyes to how short life is. Seeing some family members that I hadn't see since I was kid, just proved that I can not let that many years pass before seeing them again. I have an amazing family that is so big, it's almost overwhelming sometimes!

The paternal side of my family consists of: the 9 children my grandparents had, their spouses/significant others, 25 grandkids(not including spouses), and 51 great-grandchildren. When all of us are together, it would total 102 people! That is just immediate family. This doesn't include the many that my family has adopted, the sisters of my grand parents, their children/spouses/grandchildren, and extended families. We are quite the group when we're all together. I bet we'd be able to fill a football field if we were all together at the same time! : )

Being the oldest grandchild on my Dad's side of the family, is sometimes a bit overwhelming. I have always tried to set a good example, not just for my brothers and sister, but also for my younger cousins. I spent a lot of years trying to stay away from my family, for many reasons, but mainly because I couldn't or didn't know how to associate with them. Being the oldest, puts you in a strange position. You spend your early life being a kid, and playing with the younger kids. As you grow up, and become an adult, you don't know how to make that transition. You are a niece/nephew, even though you are an adult, you don't have the connection with your aunts & uncles and the cousins, some of the are still pretty young. So, you are still in limbo as an adult. That is how I always saw myself in my family. My Aunts and Uncles are all pretty close, and my Cousins that were quite a bit younger than me were all pretty close...then there's me. Somewhere in the middle.

After such an eye opening experience for me personally, I know that I need to make more of an effort. Although I firmly believe that the roads travel both ways just as well, I know I want to make a better effort to see this side of my family more than just at weddings and funerals.

I want to find that family binding closeness with my family that I have always felt left out of. I want my own siblings and I to have a close bond that allows us to always be there for each other, and for us to always have each other no matter what is going on in our lives.

I am going to make every effort to not only make the effort to see my extended family, my siblings, and cousins more...but I am also going to offer our home as a meeting place for all of them to join us whenever they want to get away.

As I always try to reflect on life experiences, this has been no different. I watched my Dad. A man who has always been my hero, my rock, and many times my go-to for another point of view; and realized, again, how much this man means to me. Although I am too old to call him my "daddy," he is my Dad, my hero, and I love him so much. I watched my Mom, who hasn't been part of my Dad's family for 25 years, grieve a man she knew as another Dad for many years. I can't help but grieve for them too. Both lost a man, they had known and admired for different reasons, but loved none-the-less. I watched my Step-Mom, although typically hard to read, and know that the 25 years she has been with the family that she too had loved my Grandpa as another Dad. I watched so many that had been part of our family at one point or another, each of them with their own experience in our family. All of which are still considered part of the family. My family has always taken in the "strays" when they have no where else to go, those that have been adopted by our family are part of it always.

So many times, divorce enters into families, and changes everything. Our family is no different in that regard. We have had many marriages and divorces, many new people, and many that have come and gone. For me personally, it took becoming an adult, with children of my own to understand a few things. First, you are born to two parents, your Mom and your Dad. You can NEVER replace your parents! No matter how many times they mess up, make mistakes, make decisions you don't agree with...they are your parents. You love them, you forgive them, and no matter what happens, they are still your parents. You can't replace them, and I wouldn't want to! Second, even though divorce is something relatively common, finding a stable ground to stand on, can be overwhelming. You have to find stable ground to grow, and excel in your own life. You have to find a balance that allows for extended family and your own family to co-exist. In my case, many miles hinders a lot of what I would love to see happen...but it is no excuse to allow many years to go by before seeing family members. Third, sometimes no matter how much you try, there will be some that will not make the same attempts that you make. This is inevitable, but you take the high ground to always make the attempt.

There have been so many realizations for me over the past week. I can't begin to explain how much has changed for me. I just know that one night of our trip was spent with my own siblings. All four of us, and our spouses, all in the same place. It was so overwhelming to me. We bonded in a way that, I don't know if it's ever happened. We talked, and laughed, and I felt complete. I had 3 other people with me that knew me, loved me unconditionally, and although we have all grown up...I know I have 3 best friends for life. No matter who comes and go's in our lives...we will always have each other. We may all be different, we may all have our own way of doing things, and we may not agree on everything...we still have each other, and that will never change. Our bond began by blood, but will continue with our love for each other and acceptance in who we have become. Each of us with our own little quirks, our own way of doing and looking at things, and our family history of perseverance through even the darkest of times. I love you guys!

Sometimes, things like this allow you to see that some things just don't fit. Whether that be by the peoples own making or just by the design of life in general. No matter how hard you try to make things fit, no matter how long you try...sometimes they just don't. You either learn to accept that and go on, or you move on to another piece to see if it fits. Either way, is not right or wrong, it's just what it is. Some things aren't made to fit.

As I try to get my regular routines back in place, I can't help but reflect on so much. The biggest reflections are how amazing, resilient, and determined my family bloodline is. Having a family of my own now, I can only hope to pass on these traits to my own kids while they also learn about the amazing paternal sides of their family here too.

The "Grand" Plan

As I sit 400 miles away from my family, we all share in the sadness of watching a great man being called to his spiritual home. I have shed many tears, and even had a tug-of-war within my heart of whether to make the trip or to keep the better memories, I once again turn to my own style of expression. Writing, the one way I can sort out my own emotions and keep a realistic grasp on life. As my Grandfather makes the journey from physical being to spiritual being, I continue to pray. My writing today:

The Grand Plan

Before a physical being is conceived,
a Grand Plan is already in place.
A Map of sorts.
We are put into physical beings to fulfill this plan.
We are given many choices throughout this plan,
but the Grand Plan is always in place.
No matter your physical age,
once that Grand Plan has been fulfilled,
you are called home to our Creator.
Those physical beings left on Earth,
that still have plans to fulfill, will grieve for the
loss of another physical being.
Do not grieve for long,
As a celebration of a being fulfilling their plan should be celebrated.
A celebration of a being that is being welcomed home by our Creator.
Sadness for the loss of a physical being is inevitable as a physical nature.
Our spiritual beings are always with us and guide us toward our own Grand Plan.
As we take time for our sadness,
we must also take time to celebrate a Grand Plan completion.

Our Creator is about to welcome another amazing spiritual being home.
Although, I am very sad to be losing the physical being I have called Grandpa,
I will celebrate his physical life completion and his homecoming with the strongest woman I have ever known, my Grandma.

With this Grand Plan completion, these two amazing people will be together again as eternal spiritual beings.

I love you Grandpa and Grandma.
~Salli~

Coming into your own

Why does it take some people so long to come to grips with their own person? I have to wonder this for many reasons, but most importantly, for myself! So many times we attribute who we are, with those we are associated with, the jobs we hold, the money we have, or "things" we have. We are not taught the importance of finding our person, through self-exploration.

It's amazing how this thought can sneak up behind you and smack you in the head, hard enough to knock you a step backward. From my own experience, it took years to "come into my own." I was taught to be independent, however, I was not taught that happiness and self-acceptance came from within, and was not relative to anything else.

I grew up basically as a town kid. I went to public school, and participated in a few activities associated with school. As a kid, you are molded to be like your parents, not out of choice but out of necessity. You do what you have to do until you are old enough/ make enough money to get out on your own. Then you begin the process of remolding yourself to fit the requirements of the time again. Whether that is a college student or full-time employee. Then you age to be a "real" adult...that much anticipated age...21. Which you then begin to believe that you are an adult, you still know everything but occassionally, still fall back to talking to your parents but they of course just don't understand. Coming of age (21), you begin to remold again. You are now old enough to go out, party like rock stars, hold a full-time job, and still believe you are invincable. You are said to be "sowing your wild oats," but in truth you are learning your own values, goals, and limits. Then comes the next remolding age of 25. At least it was for me. You believe it's time to settle down, you are of course getting "old." You now respect your parents more, have had countless dates, several heartbreaks, more alcohol than is necessary, a lot of life experiences, and have re-invented yourself countless times to fit whatever situations you have encountered. By the time you reach 30, you now realize you don't know everything. You have children, a spouse, constant bills, several unexpected expenses that have threatened your sanity. You depend on talking to your parents when life is moving too fast, your kids are driving you crazy and you don't know how your parents did it with more than 1 child, your marriage is rocky at best, you wonder if there is something more out there that could be fulfilling, and you question who you really are. Then you reach 35, and life seemingly changes over night. You truly begin to understand that life is what you make it. You have continued to learn(even if unknowingly!), your children are older and not so insanely overwhelming, you begin to remold but this time it's time for you. You begin to look within yourself to find happiness and stability. You look back throughout your childhood and realize that even though you were mold as a young person, weren't allowed an opinion, you were molded into exactly who you needed to be in order to be who you want to be today. All the prior molding, showed you exactly what you do not want to be today. You are raising your children differently than you were, you run your life differently, you aren't afraid of not knowing - you are more than happy to research it, you face the facts that you have denied for all the years prior. You now look at your life, as your life. You are who you are, without apologies and without reserve. You begin another amazing journey into self-acceptance and happiness. Neither of which is determined by your surroundings, but instead by who you are as a person, what your values are, what your beliefs are, and what your morals are. You begin the path of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and you are learning to let go of those in your life that have held you back or have been a constant negativity in your life. You learn that sometimes, it's easier to let go than to deal with the anguish of no longer fitting into a world that you not only don't fit in, but also don't want to be in! This stage isn't necessarily an easy one, but one of necessity for your personal self. You find yourself, finally, "coming into your own."

I have personally been on this self-discovery path for about 6 years. It was about 6 years ago, that I received that proverbial smack in the head that sent me back several steps. I learned that the life I grew up in, and believed to be a rock solid life...was no longer mine. I didn't fit anymore, I didn't like that life, and I didn't want my children any where near that life. It was a life changing smack in the head, that felt more like a slap in the face. It was at that point that I began a truly remarkable reshaping in my own person. For years I had fought my husband on how we should live, what a marriage "should" look like, and how we'd raise our children. It was during the last 6 years that I began to understand and admire my husband. He had been raised so much differently than I had, and had led a different life than I had. It was 6 years ago, that I accepted I was no longer a product of my upbringing, but the exception of it. I wanted to be a good wife, but stay true to my own beliefs and person. We began a serious uphill battle to reshape not only our relationship but also our lives. We began with talking. Not just small stuff either. We talked about everything. We had heated discussions about finances, how we were going to raise our oldest child, how we were going to live, where we were and were not going to live, what we needed from each other, and what we wanted out of life. These were done over several conversations, and several years. It wasn't always a bed of roses, and there were several disagreements and even the realization that even though we were different...in the end we wanted the same thing. The last 2 years, have proven that the uphill struggle I began 6 years ago, has moved me towards the person I want to be. Almost every decision made is done so together. We agreed a few years back how we planned to raise our kids, and the path we wanted not only for us, but also for our life as a family.

I can tell you, I am not the shell of a person I once was. I have learned and continue to learn, to accept my strengths and my weaknesses. I continue to grow and venture down the path of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Some days are easier than others, but every day is a new day to make the most out of. My marriage has become an indespensible highlight in my life. My children have opinions, even if they disagree with us...they still have an opinion. They are involved in almost all decisions, finances, farm, and life events. They are thriving in our home schooling environment, and in all ways, growing into independent, critical thinking, logical thinking little people. They are not told what to think, but instead how to think for themselves. They are taught problem solving in real life situations, they are taught how to interact with people of all ages, how to use common sense, and how to help the communities they may live in later. As parents, we have a lot of pride for what our children are becoming. We try to give them a nudge in the direction we feel is best, however, it is not a shove nor is it said to be the only way to go.  Ultimately, they are shaping their own future with input and experience not only from their own discoveries, but by their parents experiences. Our opinion is Lead by example parenting, not just "do as I say, not as I do." That is too hypocritical for us.

We are teaching our children to be frugal, not out of necessity but instead out of common sense. Having money is a good thing, but can also bring about a sense of competition. They have gotten the experience of finding the best value while grocery shopping, finding a piece of clothing at a high price or finding a similar piece for a fraction of the cost on sale/garage sales/second hand shops. Thinking purchases through for awhile before actually making the purchase. They are being taught how to raise and grow food in its purest forms. How to preserve those foods for use later. How to raise and care for animals. How important it is to research everything before coming to any conclusions. How to make the best out of every little thing you have. Not to compete with anyone else or their possessions. How every one you meet is facing some sort of battle so it's important to never judge any one.

For me it has been a path of discovery into a life that I fought for the 7 years of my marriage. It challenged every single thing I ever thought I knew, and every single thing I had ever learned. It went against every thing I had strived to project to every one else. Many people have said they wish they could change the path of their lives, but I wouldn't want to. I survived those early years, I "sowed my wild oats," and I got out with a few lessons learned, a few misconceptions, a few scars, and a great understanding of how I no longer wanted to be. I didn't want to be a shell of a person. I didn't want to shaped by my surroundings, the people I associated with, or the circumstances of the life I was living. I wanted to be whole. To be the person I am without any preconceptions of who I was "Supposed be!" Now, I continue to grow and learn. I still struggle with my flaws, and find that there are a lot of shellish people out there that haven't come into their own yet. I am finding that there are several who still blindly follow the masses, and for them it works. For me, it didn't! I knew there was a better way, but it took me years to find it. It took removing myself from my comfort zone, and putting myself in a position where I knew no one, and didn't know anything about the areas way of life. It took a broken relationship, a "wait and see" relationship, interference, arguements, finding that the way of life you protected and held on a pedestal was bogus, and coming to terms with the fact that I was so much more than I had ever been given credit for. It took a great man with the patience of a saint, 2 amazing kids, and a few life altering events to put me on the path of self-discovery. That brings us to today.

Today, as I begin our day, I find that each day is one to cherish. I am learning that every single day is an opportunity to grow, learn, accept, face, and make memorable. I am blessed to be home every day with my kids, and help them grow into productive members of society with independent thinking brains. I have an amazingly supportive husband who pushes me when I'm not feeling secure in a decision, and is there to be my shoulder to cry on when life get too crazy or some issue becomes overwhelming. We have a beautiful home, farm, multiple forms of livestock in which I am still learning, and organic gardening. I get to be affliated with a great company, that provides some of my favorite products - candles! I have been so blessed to be home every day and make our house a home. We've had many struggles, and still have some battles, but life in our neck of the woods is beautiful, simple, productive, and has meaning.

Peace,

Salli

Getting back to a minimalistic and frugal life

"Putting everyone in a single catagory, is like only offering only 2 options on a menu."

In today's tough economic times, it's essential that people know how to do basic budgeting and learn how to live frugally.  There are many online sites, blogs and advice columns from which to learn.  Another option is your local library.  There are a multitude of educational references available.  Some written by "field gurus,"  others by folks like our family that are actually living it.  You can learn everything from budgeting, finances, cooking on a shoe-string budget, places to get free help, and so much more.  The internet is an amazing tool for research, but it's also a quick way to lose your personal information to a company/hacker and blow your budgeting clear out of the water.  You won't ever find a hacker in a book!

Many of today's wealthiest Americans didn't get there by having a silver spoon in their mouth.  They got there with hard work and frugal living.  I personally know 3 people who are independently wealthy.  They worked hard and earned that money.  They don't own multimillion dollar homes, they don't own money wasting/high dollar vehicles, and they don't feel comfortable telling most about the size of their wealth.  Honestly, all 3 of these people, are more comfortable sharing how they live frugally.  Are all who have wealth this way, no!  There are those out there that associate wealth with fancy cars, high dollar homes, and brag - every chance they get about how much they are making.  Then you have those that live honestly, work hard, and would rather help others even if it's done anonomously.  

As a family, we work hard.  We live on one income, try to budget every penny, shop wisely, and still try to maintain our goals for our selves, our family, and our farm.  To accomplish our goals, we have to live frugally.  We don't have a choice.  Our budget is never perfect, sometimes we have to choose paying a bill over buying groceries, we work hard to minimize our debts and pay a little extra every month to pay them down, we shop in bulk when it's feesable, we shop by sale ads, we utilize Aldi's and local shops, and we talk about everything...as a family.  Many times, as part of our home school math, our 12 year will work with us on our budget.  Since he has learned about loans, finance charges, and credit cards, he will occassionally throw out a thought...that we didn't think of.  Although our youngest is only 3, she sees the work that goes into having the life we have and will grow up knowing how to live well within her means.  

Over the coming weeks, I will be going through some of our frugal living lifestyle.  I will show how and what we do to live a decent life, live frugally on 1 income.  It amazes me that I have had requests about budgeting and frugal living from people older than I am, but more and more folks are finding that their current lifestyles aren't sustainable.  I hope that the upcoming series will help many and encourage getting back to a minimalistic lifestyle.

~Salli~

Our Christmas Plan - 4 gift rule!

"Christmas seems to have lost it's luster as there's no more waiting until Christmas for that special gift.  Everyone just goes to get what they want, when they want it."

~Salli~

We have found this to be true so much over the past several years.  Everyone has so much "stuff," and Christmas gift purchases seems to be even more difficult.  The amount spent on Christmas gift purchases seem to have doubled, at least.  Honestly, how much is too much?!  Families have grown, the young people are growing, and insane amount of stuff everyone has is growing too.  So, this year, our family is making some changes.  We are one of the many families, that just have too much already.  Our kids have more than enough toys and we also have more than enough stuff!  

We are going to a four gift Christmas(not including the few Santa leaves).  Since we have held Santa to bare minimums all along, the majority of gifts the kids have always gotten come from us and family.  Our four gift Christmas is not only sensible but also serves to remind us the true reason for the season.  

Our Four Gift Christmas:

Gift Column #1 - A gift that is Wanted.  Maybe a special toy, special book, or game.

Gift Column #2 - A gift that is Needed.  This is important for teaching the difference between wanting and needing!  For us, this will be something like clothes, shoes, outdoor wear, etc.

Gift Column #3 - A gift that you Wear.  This will also include clothes, socks, etc.

Gift Column #4 - A gift that you Read.  Since we teach our kids that reading is an important part of life, this is a gift that the kids will treasure in their personal libraries.

We also stick to a very strict budget.  We do not spend more than $100 per person(includes Santa).  As we do tend to buy things throughout the year, there is no reason to break the bank once a year for something that the kids will play with/use for a few months and be tired of.  

We have spent a lot of time talking about how to handle the out of control wants that have come from television ads, and seeing what others have.  We are sincerely trying to teach our kids the value of true friends, the value of money, and not keeping up with everyone else.  Our kids don't go without, actually they have everything they need and most of what they want.  However, there are certain toys I've put a halt to due to their lack of decency and video games are kept to a bare minimum!  We prefer high quality as opposed to high quantity.  

The past few years we have spent a lot of time focusing on helping others who are less fortunate.  We have done some volunteering at our food pantry, we have donated food, gloves, hats, scarves, and purchased toys/clothes from the angel tree in our town.  We have what we need, and it's important to me that our kids learn how amazing it feels to help others that don't.  

We received a special gift when we moved to our farm last December.  A neighbor, came to our house to drop off a "neighbor gift."  I hadn't seen this done since I was kid, and I honestly didn't know anyone was still this selfless to do.  The neighbors husband and son, went out delivering their neighbor gifts to each of our local neighbors.  It was a plate filled with a variety of cookies.  Something so simple, yet made from the heart, meant so much to me.  We have 12 local neighbors within about a 10 mile radius of us.  This year, it is my goal to do something similar for our neighbors.  I can't tell you the profound effect this had on me.  It was my real reminder of what it means, not only to be a good neighbor, but also what the season is truly about.  Yes, I believe that we are to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but also to be good to mankind.  To bring a little light to others.

Our family, on both sides, have grown tremendously over the past several years.  We have spent a lot of money to purchase gifts for most of them.  However, we won't be doing that this year.  This year, it is our goal to make a special gift, that will be made with love for each of them.  We try not to ask for much, as we already have so much.  Many times, we'd just ask that those wanting to give to us, just use it for themselves or make a donation to help someone else.  

I know we are just now to October but Christmas shopping begins earlier and earlier every year.  I hope that our families will follow in our thoughts and save themselves some debt this year.  Christmas for us, is most importantly spent with those we love.  The best gifts we could get would be to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with our loved ones.

~Salli~