Coming into your own

Why does it take some people so long to come to grips with their own person? I have to wonder this for many reasons, but most importantly, for myself! So many times we attribute who we are, with those we are associated with, the jobs we hold, the money we have, or "things" we have. We are not taught the importance of finding our person, through self-exploration.

It's amazing how this thought can sneak up behind you and smack you in the head, hard enough to knock you a step backward. From my own experience, it took years to "come into my own." I was taught to be independent, however, I was not taught that happiness and self-acceptance came from within, and was not relative to anything else.

I grew up basically as a town kid. I went to public school, and participated in a few activities associated with school. As a kid, you are molded to be like your parents, not out of choice but out of necessity. You do what you have to do until you are old enough/ make enough money to get out on your own. Then you begin the process of remolding yourself to fit the requirements of the time again. Whether that is a college student or full-time employee. Then you age to be a "real" adult...that much anticipated age...21. Which you then begin to believe that you are an adult, you still know everything but occassionally, still fall back to talking to your parents but they of course just don't understand. Coming of age (21), you begin to remold again. You are now old enough to go out, party like rock stars, hold a full-time job, and still believe you are invincable. You are said to be "sowing your wild oats," but in truth you are learning your own values, goals, and limits. Then comes the next remolding age of 25. At least it was for me. You believe it's time to settle down, you are of course getting "old." You now respect your parents more, have had countless dates, several heartbreaks, more alcohol than is necessary, a lot of life experiences, and have re-invented yourself countless times to fit whatever situations you have encountered. By the time you reach 30, you now realize you don't know everything. You have children, a spouse, constant bills, several unexpected expenses that have threatened your sanity. You depend on talking to your parents when life is moving too fast, your kids are driving you crazy and you don't know how your parents did it with more than 1 child, your marriage is rocky at best, you wonder if there is something more out there that could be fulfilling, and you question who you really are. Then you reach 35, and life seemingly changes over night. You truly begin to understand that life is what you make it. You have continued to learn(even if unknowingly!), your children are older and not so insanely overwhelming, you begin to remold but this time it's time for you. You begin to look within yourself to find happiness and stability. You look back throughout your childhood and realize that even though you were mold as a young person, weren't allowed an opinion, you were molded into exactly who you needed to be in order to be who you want to be today. All the prior molding, showed you exactly what you do not want to be today. You are raising your children differently than you were, you run your life differently, you aren't afraid of not knowing - you are more than happy to research it, you face the facts that you have denied for all the years prior. You now look at your life, as your life. You are who you are, without apologies and without reserve. You begin another amazing journey into self-acceptance and happiness. Neither of which is determined by your surroundings, but instead by who you are as a person, what your values are, what your beliefs are, and what your morals are. You begin the path of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and you are learning to let go of those in your life that have held you back or have been a constant negativity in your life. You learn that sometimes, it's easier to let go than to deal with the anguish of no longer fitting into a world that you not only don't fit in, but also don't want to be in! This stage isn't necessarily an easy one, but one of necessity for your personal self. You find yourself, finally, "coming into your own."

I have personally been on this self-discovery path for about 6 years. It was about 6 years ago, that I received that proverbial smack in the head that sent me back several steps. I learned that the life I grew up in, and believed to be a rock solid life...was no longer mine. I didn't fit anymore, I didn't like that life, and I didn't want my children any where near that life. It was a life changing smack in the head, that felt more like a slap in the face. It was at that point that I began a truly remarkable reshaping in my own person. For years I had fought my husband on how we should live, what a marriage "should" look like, and how we'd raise our children. It was during the last 6 years that I began to understand and admire my husband. He had been raised so much differently than I had, and had led a different life than I had. It was 6 years ago, that I accepted I was no longer a product of my upbringing, but the exception of it. I wanted to be a good wife, but stay true to my own beliefs and person. We began a serious uphill battle to reshape not only our relationship but also our lives. We began with talking. Not just small stuff either. We talked about everything. We had heated discussions about finances, how we were going to raise our oldest child, how we were going to live, where we were and were not going to live, what we needed from each other, and what we wanted out of life. These were done over several conversations, and several years. It wasn't always a bed of roses, and there were several disagreements and even the realization that even though we were different...in the end we wanted the same thing. The last 2 years, have proven that the uphill struggle I began 6 years ago, has moved me towards the person I want to be. Almost every decision made is done so together. We agreed a few years back how we planned to raise our kids, and the path we wanted not only for us, but also for our life as a family.

I can tell you, I am not the shell of a person I once was. I have learned and continue to learn, to accept my strengths and my weaknesses. I continue to grow and venture down the path of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Some days are easier than others, but every day is a new day to make the most out of. My marriage has become an indespensible highlight in my life. My children have opinions, even if they disagree with us...they still have an opinion. They are involved in almost all decisions, finances, farm, and life events. They are thriving in our home schooling environment, and in all ways, growing into independent, critical thinking, logical thinking little people. They are not told what to think, but instead how to think for themselves. They are taught problem solving in real life situations, they are taught how to interact with people of all ages, how to use common sense, and how to help the communities they may live in later. As parents, we have a lot of pride for what our children are becoming. We try to give them a nudge in the direction we feel is best, however, it is not a shove nor is it said to be the only way to go.  Ultimately, they are shaping their own future with input and experience not only from their own discoveries, but by their parents experiences. Our opinion is Lead by example parenting, not just "do as I say, not as I do." That is too hypocritical for us.

We are teaching our children to be frugal, not out of necessity but instead out of common sense. Having money is a good thing, but can also bring about a sense of competition. They have gotten the experience of finding the best value while grocery shopping, finding a piece of clothing at a high price or finding a similar piece for a fraction of the cost on sale/garage sales/second hand shops. Thinking purchases through for awhile before actually making the purchase. They are being taught how to raise and grow food in its purest forms. How to preserve those foods for use later. How to raise and care for animals. How important it is to research everything before coming to any conclusions. How to make the best out of every little thing you have. Not to compete with anyone else or their possessions. How every one you meet is facing some sort of battle so it's important to never judge any one.

For me it has been a path of discovery into a life that I fought for the 7 years of my marriage. It challenged every single thing I ever thought I knew, and every single thing I had ever learned. It went against every thing I had strived to project to every one else. Many people have said they wish they could change the path of their lives, but I wouldn't want to. I survived those early years, I "sowed my wild oats," and I got out with a few lessons learned, a few misconceptions, a few scars, and a great understanding of how I no longer wanted to be. I didn't want to be a shell of a person. I didn't want to shaped by my surroundings, the people I associated with, or the circumstances of the life I was living. I wanted to be whole. To be the person I am without any preconceptions of who I was "Supposed be!" Now, I continue to grow and learn. I still struggle with my flaws, and find that there are a lot of shellish people out there that haven't come into their own yet. I am finding that there are several who still blindly follow the masses, and for them it works. For me, it didn't! I knew there was a better way, but it took me years to find it. It took removing myself from my comfort zone, and putting myself in a position where I knew no one, and didn't know anything about the areas way of life. It took a broken relationship, a "wait and see" relationship, interference, arguements, finding that the way of life you protected and held on a pedestal was bogus, and coming to terms with the fact that I was so much more than I had ever been given credit for. It took a great man with the patience of a saint, 2 amazing kids, and a few life altering events to put me on the path of self-discovery. That brings us to today.

Today, as I begin our day, I find that each day is one to cherish. I am learning that every single day is an opportunity to grow, learn, accept, face, and make memorable. I am blessed to be home every day with my kids, and help them grow into productive members of society with independent thinking brains. I have an amazingly supportive husband who pushes me when I'm not feeling secure in a decision, and is there to be my shoulder to cry on when life get too crazy or some issue becomes overwhelming. We have a beautiful home, farm, multiple forms of livestock in which I am still learning, and organic gardening. I get to be affliated with a great company, that provides some of my favorite products - candles! I have been so blessed to be home every day and make our house a home. We've had many struggles, and still have some battles, but life in our neck of the woods is beautiful, simple, productive, and has meaning.

Peace,

Salli