Reflection and Chaos!

It's that time of year when everyone has plans, there are Christmas parties every where, and we wind down another year.

For me, it's a bittersweet time of year. This is the time of year, I really reflect back on the year and take inventory, so to speak, on everything that has happened. Our normal holiday plans are quite a bit different this year, which also means our schedules are thrown out the door. There is no way of keeping anything normal for the next week.

My husband's brother and his family have come to Missouri for Christmas this year. That usually means a lot more activities thrown into an already chaotic schedule. This year, my husband decided to take vacation time during his brothers visit.

My year has been crazy at best. In the path of discovering a person within that I am happy with, I found many road bumps and a whole lot of discouragement. Not for finding myself, for the the person I found who has a very non-typical way of thinking. I found myself in the chaos of learning how to care for livestock, poultry, pigs, and horses. I have had to learn how to juggle everything that goes on in our daily lives, and still have time to cook 3 meals a day, and sleep some. I have learned that many people believe that a Mom that stays home everyday, has nothing but time. Which is far from the truth. I have also learned that time is fleeing. This year I lost my paternal grandfather, and that hit me harder than anyone will ever know. I have watched those that I love deal with issues, I have also found myself pushed further away from my own family. I have learned that even though family is blood, the best friends in the world, are the ones who are always there. They never judge, and always have time to talk.

This year, for me, has been one of many eye openers. You find out very quickly who respects you and who does not. I for one, have found that because we think outside the proverbial box, we are the weird ones. I guess being herded like the cows is normal?! I have also found that no matter how crazy or bad life gets, there's always someone there willing to help. Someone who will not belittle you for your thoughts, but instead will offer a hand up and a shoulder to cry on. It's those there in your worst times, that you learn to not only value and respect, but those are the ones that you love the most.

I will be 38 years old in less than a week. Over the course of those 38 years, I have seen so much. I have moved around, seen both side of the coin of life, and walked away from so many things without knowing why. I have lost many role models in my life pass on, and even some great friends. I've made some huge mistakes and some decisions lead to a more positive and productive life. I have cut people out of my life by choice, while some have just quietly faded away. Yet, there are some that have became such a tremendous part of my life, that weren't before. I've learned who I can trust, who is only in my life when it's convenient for them, and who doesn't want to be in my life at all. Some it broke my heart to watch them slowly fade out, some left and didn't really faze me, and some I have just accepted that although they were in my life - I was never really in theirs. I have been gradually accepting all of this. While some of these things have really hurt, and some have made me mad, all of this was something I had to learn from.

I am a difficult person, I am completely aware of that, but if you can not accept me for who I am, all my faults, and for who I have become; then you don't deserve to be in my life for the good times either. I am the one who handles everything at our home. I am the one who juggles the kids, their school work, my business, the meals, the laundry, the housework, the bills, the everyday life....it's my life. It's not perfect, and neither am I. However, each and every day I do my absolute best to keep everything moving as smoothly as possible. My days are busy from 6 am to well after midnight daily. Do not judge something or someone you know nothing about. And do not try to include yourself into something that you haven't bothered to be apart of, except when it's convenient for you.

Anyone that truly knows me, knows that my children are my world. Although there are days that we drive each other crazy, I wouldn't trade them or the time I get to spend with them for anything! Absolutely every decision I make, is made with their best interest in mind. It may not be what others would do, but these are my kids. I know their personalities, I know their quirks, I know how they operate. I do not teach my kids to blindly follow what they are told. I teach them to question everything. I teach them to speak up for themselves and what they feel is right. I teach them to respect their thoughts and the those who respect them. I do not teach them by drilling thoughts, figures, and statistics into their heads. I teach them to love to learn by questioning everything. Anything that comes up is researched, discussed, and they can draw their own conclusions. 90% of the conversations in our home, include our kids. They are included in talks about finances, time scheduling, and even everyday operations. We spend a lot of time with hands-on learning. Our entire lives, as adults, are not spent with just a single group of people. So, there is no reason we should limit children's abilities and growth to that either.

Even as everyday life is about to be turned upside in the coming days, it is my job, as their Mom, to try to keep some form of normalcy in their lives. Even with the excitement of Christmas in our home, there is dread as I am the one who has to deal with their schedules being tossed out the window. I can only hope that my kids don't end up sick or so overly tired that it takes a month to recover.

I hope that each of you can have a beautiful Christmas with your family. This year, I am just ready for it to be over. As our family winds down yet another year, I hope to reflect more, and maybe be able to find some answers and regain a resemblance of level ground. Maybe find a way to manage my stress a little better, and learn to deal with disappointments a whole lot better. There isn't anything better than finding peace during chaos. I will find my peace again.

Wishing you peace and happiness in 2013 and beyond.