Life, Learning, Growing, and Reflection

Throughout our lives, we learn so many lessons. Our families teach us about love and life, accepting responsibility, ethic, and moral. We find friends and relationships that go along with what we are taught, and through those relationships are taught even more. We find inspiration and role models in those we associate with. Whether it be through the learned experience of hardship, or heartbreak, or through the value of friendship. We constantly learn. In my life, I have had many people who have influenced me. Many of which, probably don't even realize it. From a young age, I learned who I could count on/depend on. I learned that even though there isn't anyone who is perfect, there are many that you don't realize had influence on you until years after the fact.

For me, my earliest memories of role models were my grandparents. 4 people with different lives from each other, yet having their own unique lessons to teach. My parents and step-parents are another example of 4 people each with unique lessons to teach. A handful of friends that I got close enough to, to see their lives, their families, and learn from. To a few I came in contact with through extra-curricular activities. Those that were a role model through their guiding way, dedication to us and constant teaching - not only in the activity either. Then as I got older, there were relationships that I learned from, and their families too. There were some who had no idea, while others just became too overwhelming with lack of support, and others yet that grew without support yet failed, and in the end spending time in a relationship and growing to love the family just as I do my own.

As I try to learn something new everyday, and better myself constantly, I am able to look back through my life and see who made an impression on me. Sometimes I can only laugh when I think of certain people and shake my head at how much they taught me, however indirectly! Even though my life now, is not what I had planned 20 years ago, by looking back...I can see that it was an underlying (even passionate) thought. From an early age I can remember loving to visit my Dad's parents. They were long time farmers. My first close friends both lived on farms, one on a farm in the middle of what I thought was nowhere! The other living on a working hog farm. I loved going to their houses, and learned so much in the process. As I got older, high school age, 2 of my closest friends, although very different made huge impressions on me. One a small town girl, with a heart as big as Texas, the other a farm boy that always held my heart. Both were people I could depend on, count on, were there to cheer me on or tell me I was being a complete idiot! That small town girl is still one of my best friends today, and that farm boy...still holds my heart, even though he has passed on. His mom and dad will always be another mom and dad to me! Through early adulthood, there were 4 people that shaped me, taught me, and to some degree helped me be who I am today. All of which, looking back, held a similar familiarity. Small town, farm, and ultimately that laid back "country" life. Each of them from different geographical locations, but none of them too far from the other. The first, a man I met in high school, a friend turned relationship without understanding/support was really damned from the beginning, but taught me to feel again....even if it was intermittent. He taught me how to be passionate about some things, and to be willing to step out of my comfort/safe zone. His family taught me so much about so many areas. This relationship was the first step, while in adulthood, in the path my life has taken. The second was a small town boy, that had been a friend through high school, tried a relationship...it didn't work. Our friendship is still there. He was the first to share part of the life I have had since 1997. The third, was a man who had a completely different life and was from an area I had only dreamed of seeing. He taught me so much. He taught me to value who I was, to demand being treated with respect, to always expect more of myself, and that through diversity...you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. He had lived several life styles, and treated me better than most people I had ever been around. He is still one of my best friends today and always will be! The fourth man, a double whammy, farm boy/small town boy, eventually led me to where I am today. Although I kicked and screamed, the whole way, he has taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. After a year of trying to not care about him, he eventually became my husband. Through all our ups and downs, I can never negate everything he has taught me. The life I had unknowingly taken the path of, was the only life he had ever known. I fought it for many years, wanting a life that really didn't work for me but it was the only life I was somewhat comfortable in. Growing up in one life style with a single thought pattern, to making the leap into a life that you had only visited is rough. In the life I had growing up, it was fun to visit farms but you always went home. You may have a pet or two, but you have a typical 9-5 job, you do things with close friends, you rarely leave the family you were born into...at least you stay within a normal drive time. This man had me living 6 hours from "home," in the middle of nowhere, with very few people ever around, a split family of his own, and a completely different mindset than my own. After 15 years together, and almost 14 married, we now live on a small farm, with all the livestock, and work that goes along with it. Through the years his grandmothers, and mom have taught me to preserve our food, and so much more. I've come to respect and love the time with family, we've had a family of our own which has been a whole other learning experience, he's taught me so much. Although not all were good lessons, many have been.

With that being said, This family has influenced me for almost 14 years. They are a family that through good and bad, sticks together. They have their unique quirks, but they have taught me so much over the years. As we get older, so do our families. We have seen many family members pass on, and it saddens me knowing there was still so much to learn from them, not mention how much we miss them! While the past year has been difficult with family illness/death, we know this is all part of the grand plan. It does not make it any easier. We have had a difficult year with his mom being very ill, my grandfather passing, and his grandfather not in good health.

As we must, our lives have to keep moving. We pray for those we love, whether sick or healthy, we try to understand when others are ill and why they must go through so much, we try to keep our children grounded to the reality of life without making them bitter, we try to grow our own relationship even though it is trying at times, we have learned to compromise and argue respectfully, and we continue to grow as a family. As trying as times can be, some days it hard not to become overwhelmed, bitter, and even angry. Myself, I am finding my heart becomes harder all the time. I try to not let it, but there are days that life gets the better of me. There are days I want to throw a white flag and yell, "I give up!" It's those kinds of days, that I try to keep completely to myself and learn something from those emotions. It's those times that I call/email one of my closest friends and try to talk my way through emotions I don't handle well. Even though my husband and I talk about everything, there are just times a good friend is required to get a handle on the situations. Fortunately I have a few of those good friends that I would trust with my life. Even if others don't understand this, friends are always there - through thick and thin!

As I get my day started today, I am reflecting on life. It is so short and there is always so much more learn. Never take friendships, relationships, or family for granted. People are put in your life for a reason. Learn from those people, take those lessons away with an easy heart, and never judge anyone. Everyone faces battles in their lives, and unless you are living their life, you will never understand what they are going through, as they will never understand fully your battles. Love those who allow you in their lives, pray for those who have inner demons, and learn something from it all. Getting older is something we can not stop, but you never have to stop learning and growing.

Since we have loved ones facing illness, we continue to pray for them and hope that one way or another they will become healthy again. We know our lives must keep moving, but our thoughts are never far from our families either.
~S~

Natural Health - Pt. 2 Learning

As a continuation from the last post, your food journal is one of the first steps to better health. The first being to make the decision and commitment to being a healthier you! Once you have finished your week of journaling your food intake then it's time to take a look at your journal to tell you how to fix your diet for good! While your were keeping your food journal, you should have kept track of your emotions, life situations, how your food was making you feel, etc. By keeping tabs on this for a week, you should be able to find any food sensitivities and problem areas. A few things to watch closely, how you feel after meals and snacks. What ingredients used to prepare meals, the items you ate, and listening to your body's response to all of it.

The key to eating and/or living better is to listen to your body. This is not something that will happen overnight. You have to learn to trust your body and your feelings. Each meal/snack you ate over the past week, think about how you felt. Were you tired, irritable, bloated, or have heart burn types of feelings? Those are sure signs that your body does not like something you were putting into it. Keep track of that pattern, and figure out what it was that you ate when you were having those feelings.

For a lot of people, white sugar, white flour, or white rice will cause many of these feelings. For some, food colorings are a huge sensitivity. Another are of sensitivity is gluten. Gluten is typically found in bleached flours. Most people, if you eat processed/fast food, or drink soda are deficient in your vitamins or minerals necessary for your body to heal/fix itself. I am not saying to go and quit eating/drinking your favorite foods, I am saying if you are having any health issues or want to eat better, you have to take a long hard look at what you are consuming first!

Educating yourself is ALWAYS your first line of defense! Be smart, don't just follow the masses. Being ill is not a normal part of life. Having symptoms, is your body's way of telling you that it is needing something to fight off an illness trying to take hold of your body. Anytime you have a symptom, you need to find the underlying problem. For many, stress will play a big role in your overall health. Stress is the "silent killer," so to speak. Stress is a common underlying problem. Most doctors tell you to eliminate stress, which is nearly impossible. What you need to be told is to find a way to manage the stress you have to deal with. Finding any outlet for releasing your stress is the key to keeping your stress in check. Since eliminating stress is nearly impossible, that outlet could be walking, gardening, exercise, or any number of other activities. You have to find what works best for you, even if it means switching activities up on occasion to make sure you can deal with stress without becoming overwhelmed. Anytime you face a symptom, and incorporate a medication to eliminate the symptom, you are not fixing the problem only masking it. So before you jump on medications, try to find the underlying problem to truly fix it.

We have a wealth of information at our fingertips with internet access. With everyone comparing prices online for everything from building supplies, to insurance, and everything under the sun...why are more people not utilizing the information for better health? Many people don't know where to begin, while many others just trust that their doctor will know everything needed to make them healthy. I do not trust anyone whole-heartedly. I question everything, research everything, and make an educated decision for me....not because a doctor, friend or otherwise tells me something. With so much information at our fingertips, learning and educating ourselves has never been easier.

Study your food journal, find the areas that have conflict, research the ingredients, and remove any ingredients that may be causing illness or food sensitivities. Once you remove those ingredients, give your body a week to eliminate the effects from those ingredients. After a week without those ingredients, SLOWLY start adding them back in...1 at a time. This will give you an accurate idea of what your body is sensitive to. Typical ingredients that cause health issues are: white flour, white sugar, white rice, food colorings, multiple preservatives, gluten, sweeteners, fast food, sodas, caffeine, milk products, products containing nuts, and honestly the list could go on.

When incorporating vitamins/minerals into your diet, keep in mind that the recommended daily doses are a minimum. My personal vitamin intake is D3, Magnesium, Zinc, Co-Q10. Keep in mind that your body will not absorb calcium correctly without proper vitamin D3 consumption. As our body's age, our vitamin and mineral levels decrease. It's necessary for us to stay on top of these levels, and to understand how these levels affect our body. Vitamin D3 is essential in every aspect of our body. Typically, Vitamin D is released to our body through sunlight. With so much advertising and marketing to avoid the sunlight, use sunscreen, and all sunlight causing cancer....many are deficient in Vitamin D. The safest vitamin supplement is D3. I use 35 IU's per pound of body weight(i.e. 100 lbs body = 3500IU's). Magnesium is another vitamin that decreases as we get older. Although you get vitamins and minerals from many of the foods you eat, it's not enough to combat the junk we eat that depletes our nutrients. Magnesium I use is 1200 mg daily. Zinc is another essential to staying healthy. Unless you eat a vegetarian diet, you will need extra. I use 50 mg daily. Co-Q10 is a vitamin that I learned about from a Jamaican doctor. It is another essential that our body would produce itself if not for the processed foods, soda, and medications that interrupt the production. For me, I use the concentrated version called Ubiquinal. It is stronger and only requires a 300mg tablet daily. Even with our natural diets, I find that without these vitamins/minerals, I don't feel complete. By eating healthy, including the extra nutrients in our diets, and incorporating stress management....we are doing the best we can for our health and body's.

Next time, we'll learn more about labels and how to find the best foods without all the chemicals.
~S~

Natural Health - Pt. 1 - Food Journal

Living Natural/Natural Health - Part 1

I have asked those on my Facebook page to give suggestions of what they would like to learn, or see in a blog for Natural Health/Natural Living. As I am waiting to hear ideas, I am so excited to share what I have learned. Much of what I have learned, has been through trial and error. With 2 kids that are sensitive to so much and myself who has allergies to about everything....there has been many trials, many errors, and many successful ventures in making our life more natural!

Many people are unaware of the trials we have gone through with not only my allergy problems, but also with the allergies/sensitivities of both kids, and the on going issues with hubby's Psoriasis. So, we have had many reasons to make the changes we've made, and many doctor visits have been avoided due to the change in our diets and life. I hope each of you reading will find some use in the information I plan to share over the coming months! JUST A QUICK REMINDER! I AM NOT A DOCTOR! I AM NATURAL HEALTH CONSULTANT. I recommend speaking to your doctor about any massive changes, but be sure your doctor understands nutrition, not just how to prescribe drugs!

After several emails and a few suggestions; I am going to just touch on a few subjects that are pretty popular. The issues are similar to those we have faced, and a few I have done consulting work on in the past. Allergies, sinuses, colds, flu, ADHD/ADD, skin issues, stomach troubles, and a few major health concerns such as diabetes, and MS.

First and fore most, the first thing natural medicine looks at is the underlying problem. An illness or disease is merely a symptom and not the problem. Symptoms are simply your body's way of telling you that there is a problem and you need to fix it. Treating only the symptoms does not fix the problem. So, anytime your body is having symptoms, you need to look for the root of the problem. A great example of this is cold/flu/sinus issues. Since most people do not realize that 90% of your immune system is in your gut, they treat the symptoms in the ear/nose/throat. If your immune system is suppressed and not running at 100% it's going to give you symptoms. Your immune system requires nutrition, not drugs.

Whenever you have any symptoms of any disease, you need to first look at your diet. If you are eating fast food, drinking soda, buying processed foods....your immune system is deficient in its required nutrition. Processed/fast food, and sodas contain chemical compounds that deplete the vitamins and minerals your body needs to fight off infection and disease. The studies through the last 20-40 years have proven this over and over again. So, to get a grasp on your health issues, I recommend a food journal. For 1 week, track everything you eat and drink. This includes everything....meals, snacks, drinks, etc. Also keep track of illnesses, your emotions, and your overall health. At the end of that week, take a look at your journal. Evaluate your week. Ask yourself a few questions. How do you feel when you have eaten ???, and did it change the way you feel/emotions? During the last week, what was your schedule like? Were you busy, tired, no energy, or using caffeine to keep you going? By watching your food/beverage intake for a week, can you see areas that could be causing your immune system to act up?

Once you have done a food journal, the next step I recommend is to cut out processed foods and soda for one week. I know some have complained about this, but you need to detox your body so it can heal itself. During this week, drink plenty of water. Since I am not a water fan, this was difficult for me. I had to add lemon, lime, or fruit of some sort to get through it. Your body can heal itself with proper nutrition...keep this in mind. During this week, eat natural/organic foods, raw foods that aren't processed, knock out white flour and white sugar, corn syrup of all kinds, food colorings, and any ingredient that you can't pronounce or know what it is. This is a difficult week for most. Organic foods are a little pricier than the processed foods, but will save you a lot more in medical bills! You can not heal your body if you aren't willing to make diet changes that will help it. To get food that is natural, look for local farmers markets, small/hometown grocers, meat lockers, or grow your own foods and learn to preserve them(this will actually save you the most!). Not all foods that are natural or organic will be marketed that way. You need to read labels. I have found natural foods at Aldi, of all places, and they are not marketed as organic/natural...that is just how the company makes them. When you purchase fruit or vegetables at the store, WASH THEM! The best wash is to fill your sink with water to cover the produce and add vinegar. Vinegar will cut through any chemicals on the produce and after about 15 minutes in this wash, your water will be dirty/cloudy. Your produce will also last a little longer by getting the stuff off it.

Keeping a journal is the best way to find repeat patterns of health issues, environmental issues, and even your food consumptions. Once you begin your journal, you can track your eating habits, and your body responses to what you are eating. As this is a series of blogs, the biggest step is to start your journal. Don't change what you are doing first....first, start your journal and track everything for 1 week.

On Friday, I will touch on the next steps after your week of food journals, and your detox week. I will offer tips/tricks that have helped our family through some common ailments and a few that we count on to keep illness at bay in our home.

~S

Frugal Cleaning Tips

In keeping up with the budgeting and frugal living blogs, today's blog theme will be just that. Cleaning tips that are frugal and much better for you. There are not a bunch of chemicals you can't pronounce, let alone know what they are. These are either natural products or products that are safe for use.

As our family made the transition, many years ago, into a more natural life style, we found that the products in the stores were full of questionable ingredients. Our first transition came in the form of laundry soap. As someone who was very sensitive to most soaps, there were just a couple from the store I could buy anyway. After a few different experiments, we found a handful of items that worked great for us.

Laundering - We use a recipe of Borax, Washing Soda, Fels-Naptha soap, and essential oils for our laundry soap. The exact recipe is questionable since I do not follow one. It's roughly a bar of soap-grated into a pan, covered with enough water to cover the soap completely. Cook over medium heat, stirring regularly until soap is fully dissolved. Then remove from heat and let cool. In a 5 gallon container, I use 1 1/2C-2C of Borax, and the amount of washing soda. Once the soap has cooled, pour over the borax/washing soda mix and stir well. You can, at this point add in the essential oil of your choice(I use 10-15 drops of lavender oil.) or just stick with the sent of soap without the oils. Then add warm water (about 4 1/2 gallons) or enough to fill your 5 gallon container. Stir well and let sit for 24 hours before use. You will need to stir it well after 24 hours. I keep my soap in the 5 gallon container and use 1 C. of soap per load of laundry. The entire container (5 gallons) costs about $3 to make and lasts my family about 2 months. This soap only takes about 30 minutes to make.

Our next project was fabric softener. Since this is a controversial subject for repairmen, let me just tell you why before we get to the solution. For everyone who uses fabric softener, check your dryer lint screen at least once a month. Pull the lint screen out, clean it out(should be done after every load!) and take it to the sink. If you run water across it and it doesn't drain or drains slow, it is clogged and can cause your dryer to have to work twice as hard, and can even cause your dryer to catch fire. One of the components in fabric softener will clogged your vent screen. Most people do not know this. So it's best, if possible to avoid fabric softener. We have tried multiple ways of accomplishing the fabric softener "feel" without actual fabric softener. We used coffee filters soaked in a mix of fabric softener and water, we've tried nothing at all, and I will tell you the 2 things that have worked for us.

We have a front load washer, so I do not know how this works with a top load. As we are putting our clothes in the washer, I fill it about half way then add in some epsom salts that have been scented with essential oil, about 1/4 c per load. Then finish filling and run like normal. The salts cause the water to become "soft" in essence making the soap work better, adding oxygen to your water(like oxy-clean), getting your clothes cleaner with less soap, and not breaking down the fabric itself. As for the dryer, I have a crumbed piece of aluminum foil. It knocks out the static electric, and keeps the clothes softer while drying. This is corny I know, but works! Another quick tip with washing/drying....if you wash comforters/blankets/pillows and dry them, add a tennis ball! It keeps them all fluffed up and not flat! ;) Another trick I have learned!

There are only a small handful of items that we keep on hand to clean with! My cleaning supply list?: Vinegar, Peroxide,Baking Soda, Essential Oils, and furniture polish(only because I haven't found a natural one that really works, yet!). That's it! If by chance I have oranges on hand, I keep the peels in a 1 quart glass jar in the fridge. once it's full, I pour vinegar over it, and let it steep in a dark place(usually my pantry) for 2 weeks. It's an awesome wood cleaner/polisher! Other wise, I use vinegar, baking soda, or peroxide for everything! I will work on some recipes for each use but don't have them at hand right now. I am a firm believer in their effectiveness and the lack of chemicals they emit. They clean glass without streaks, they clean tubs/showers/toilets without chemicals and very effectively. They remove stains, smells, and refresh without chemicals.

Another little tip.... If you are battling to detoxify your body, have a bout of constipation, or have sore/achy muscles....keep epsom salt, and baking soda on hand! Run a bath as hot as you can stand. Mix in about a half cup of epsom salts, a small handful of baking soda and a few drops of lavender essential oil! It helps you relax, draws out toxins, eases cold/flu/sinus symptoms, eases sore muscles and helps relieve constipation. A word of warning....I am NOT a doctor, but make sure you drink plenty of water! When you draw toxins out of your body, you have to replace the water to replenish your body.

When we made the transition into a natural life, we learned very quickly that you have to read labels! Every single label, every single time! One thing we have learned is that anything that has food colorings in it must be avoided! Food colorings mess with the chemical make up of our hormones and with continued use, will actually harm the brain cells and begin causing our bodies to break down into diseases.

After the extensive studies and certification I have been through to become a Natural Heath Consultant, I learned so much more than I ever thought possible. The next post will be geared towards nutrition and the effects of processed foods. Once you become educated in nutrition, you will understand the effects all the chemicals have on our systems and why so many are battling with diseases. I hope you will find a shred of information in these posts to make you healthier, happier, and wiser!
~Salli

Spring/Cabin Fever, yeah, I got that!

"Gardening, because it's cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes!"



Yes! Not to mention green beans, corn, radishes, peas, potatoes, cabbage, and so much more! Although Winter is my favorite season, I really love each season for a specific reason. Winter is snow, holidays, my birthday, and lots of family time. Spring is the rejuvination season. Planning and planting my gardens, the growth of new grass, warmer days, more sunshine, airing out the house after the Winter months of being closed up. Summer is my least favorite as I don't like to be hot and I hate air conditioning. However, the end of Summer brings the harvests from the garden, canning, eating all those wonderful fresh foods. Then there is Fall. The most color splendid season. I love the leaves changing, the cool nights, bonfires, and winding down from busy prior seasons, and gearing up for Winter to begin again.

While this November will be our 2 year anniversary at our farm, there has been so much done yet still so much to do. We have spent 2 Winters in our home and have found plenty of areas that need updating, and I'm sure some of those projects will begin this year. One project that should have been done over a year ago, will be done shortly. We will finally have gravel for a driveway instead of dirt. We will be finishing our fences up this year once the surveying has been completed. We have plans to get the orchard in, replant all the trees(and then some) that we lost last year, put up the front deck, and I plan to get my flower beds in this year. Not to mention keeping up with the animals. We have the horses who need to be worked with after a long Winter. Looking forward to spending some time on horseback this year! We are going to be cleaning up our timber line, and I really look forward to enjoying that area!

January was a rough month for me, usually is. It's a month with very little in it. No holidays, not a lot of time with extended family, and short paychecks make for a long month. February has brought a lot of changes, and disagreements. While we have family goals, and individual goals; occasionally the goals become muttled when we vear off course or when we discuss goals and our communication styles are different enough that even when we talk about the same goal - sometimes it sounds like we are at different ends of the spectrum. Many of our disagreements stem from our communication differences. We have had our share of "farm experiences," that we didn't count on and really didn't want! We have had enough preditors that we've lost a ton of chickens, and a calf. We have had our fair share of animal losses. As a family striving to be self-sufficient, we do not have the large herds that a few losses wouldn't hurt. When we have an animal loss, it gauges into our budget, and into my self-esteem.

As I am continually growing and learning, I am finding that there are plenty of people who will do everything in their power to belittle you. While some go out of their way to outdo others, "keeping up with the Jones'," we do not. We have kept our entire debt less than most have for just their homes. We don't have the best of everything, nor do we want that. While some buy/build huge houses, just a little better than their neighbors or friends, we strive for small/functional/easy-to-maintain. I am doing everything in my power to return to my roots, so to speak. I would love a true earth home, with living roof, and a minimal foot print on the eco-system. Living off the land, and being 100% self-sustaining is the ultimate goal. We do not depend on hand-outs from anyone, and it will be a cold day in hell before we do. What we have, is a total debt with less than 10 years to repay, 90% of our food consumption is grown/raised on our farm, educating our children to a life style that is self-sufficient for future generations(not to mention minimalistic), and doing so on one income. Yes, money gets tight and there are months of juggling finances to get done what needs done, but the needed things always get done. We don't drive new vehicles, we don't have the latest and greatest tech equipment, and yes, there are a few wants but they are just that. We have what we need, anything beyond that is worked toward. By some peoples standards, I may not be a farm girl, but by my own, I have become just that. I am out working with the cows, pigs, chickens and horses. I work my gardens, and am involved in everything that goes on at our farm. If that doesn't fit in with others opinion of being a farm girl, that's their problem not mine. Some that are supposedly farm people, are nothing more than glorified educated idiots. I am not impressed by those who think they know everything and are more than happy to tell you so. You have some that will tell you things, and you respect them because they are sharing their experience. While the ones that irritate me are the ones who think they know everything, and are real idiots. We have the privledge of a very intelligent man, with plenty of life experience that has guided and helped us. He has taught us, shared opinions with us, and shared many life lessons too. I truly admire this man, and value him as part of our lives.

As I continue to grow and learn, I am finding that true friends are rare. You have plenty that will be there when the time is right for them, some will be there when life gets a little rough, and some that are there through think and thin. I am a very difficult person, I am aware of that. I expect to be respected even if others don't agree with me. I will be a very loyal friend to those who are loyal to me. It amazes me how many fair weather people there are. I am told that people come into our lives for a season or for a lifetime. I guess that will have to be seen.

As I run through my days with kids, housework, laundry, meals, animals, and whatever else is thrown in, I just keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I am happy with the person I am becoming, and although I am not quite where I want to be just yet, I am getting closer everyday. I am tracking down my native heritage, and anxious to learn everything I can from the families that remain within the tribes. I am proud to have native heritage and the more I learn, the more I am finding that the person I am, has roots in my family past.

Wishing you all a great day!
~Sal

My own struggles

"Just when you think you have figured out life and love, you are thrown a curve ball
that makes you question everything you thought you knew."



In my little world, almost everything is considered very simple. Many have a job, a family, some have farms, some live in town. We have family gatherings as often as possible, and cherish every minute. We have close friends we would entrust with out lives, and consider them part of our families. Although most were born and raised here, a few of us are transplants that consider this home now. We help those in our communities, we volunteer when we can, and we work hard.

As I try to regain my balance after the holidays, I am finding so much turmoil. Not just in my own life, but in the lives of those I care the most about. I am so grateful to have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and that most of them trust me enough to tell me about their lives. Although I am not a judgmental person, I often wonder how anyone could live the life my friends and family do. and why they would want to.

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay-at-home Mom for almost 11 years. While I have been able to watch my children grow, learn, change and explore; I wonder when they leave the nest, what will I do. I have devoted my whole life to the life of my children. I have days I become resentful of all that I have given up, but then I have days that I wouldn't change a single thing. I moved away from my family, to a part of the country I had not a single family member in. I quit working years ago to stay home with our oldest, and to eliminate a few arguments. I have just a few close friends here, while several of my best friends are still around my hometown. I don't see them near as often as I would like. I feel guilty when I try to go somewhere or do something without my children or husband. I am very set in my ways, and a difficult person but I try to not judge anyone. I am not a jealous type of person, and don't understand that emotion....or most emotions anymore. I work very hard to control a very hot temper, and struggle when confronted with issues because of it.

By most standards, my life is perfect. I am home with my children, we home school, I have a husband who has a great job, we have a beautiful piece of land with a nice home and as I'm so often told, "you are so lucky." I am lucky. I guess in my thoughts right now, come the phrase "wanting my cake and wanting to eat it too." I want and cherish every single thing I have but am needing something more. I think, from my reflections, I am wanting something that is just mine. Not something that belongs to my husband or children, but is mine. Whether it be money I have earned, something I have done alone, or even a job that makes me feel like I am valued and needed. Too many times, I feel like I am being taken for granted, and I don't like that feeling. My days are full of: cleaning, cooking, school work, laundry, and the constant yelling of "Mom, I need....". I wouldn't change the way our life has gone really, but some days I would love to feel wanted, needed and valued.

Some times, I find myself in an unusual position. I am home in our state and in our small farm but also at home in my hometown, a suburb of Chicago. Our life here restricts too many trips any where. I have made a few trips over the last year without my husband. I don't really like to do that for two reasons: I feel guilty, and I have gotten to where I don't like to drive anymore. I can handle short trips, but the long drives are too taxing on me. Especially since most long drives, I am alone with the kids. One trip I made last year, wasn't too bad, it was actually liberating. I drove 10 hours one way to interview for a job in Alabama. I was scared to death to make the trip! I did it though. Through horrible storms, and even drove through a couple of cities and did fine. I was scared but I did it. I felt free and able to conquer the world. Even though I did not get the job, I not only realized that I could still do anything I set my mind to, I was able to force myself to do something way out of my comfort zone to better myself. I am finding that after 11 years out of the work force, I have basically zero usable skills but that too is something I am trying to work on.

As someone who is very duty/responsibility driven, when I can't accomplish my goals, for whatever reason, it frustrates me. It either pushes me to work harder, forces me to review my goals and adjust them as needed, or it makes me madder than hell and drives me to accomplish what others tell me I can't. No matter what the road bump is, I always make it through a little stronger, smarter, and more determined. Our way of life is just a small example. I did not grow up in the farm mind-set. I never even had that passion that drives people to choose that way of life. I was always fascinated with it, had a few encounters with it, but to actually say "I want the farm life," never happened. After marrying a man who had grown up in this life, I chose it - inadvertly. To say I fought it, would be an understatement! The first 7 years we were married, was a constant struggle and a very ugly battle. I went from living a life that was fast paced, traveling constantly, going out, and being with a person who valued me; to living cut off from most civilization, being the wife of a hunter/fisher who was constantly gone, to being a mom, facing cervical cancer and not being anywhere near my family or friends. I married into a great family but never really felt like I fit in, but still attempted to learn a lifestyle so foreign to me. During those early years, I gardened(with gritted teeth), learned to can our harvest(and felt so stupid in the process), learned that you can never rely on anyone, and that even some of the greatest friends can flip a switch to become someone who makes you so uncomfortable and edgy. It was the early days of my life in the country that pushed(more like shoved!) me to where I am today. The good and the bad of those early days really shaped me.

Over the course of the 16 years that I have been here, there have been many lessons learned, many eye-opening exchanges, and so many new skills learned. Although the first 7 years of my marriage were horrible at best, the current 7 year group has been better but still plenty of issues and differing opinions. I have learned to love the art of gardening, and even strive to make more gardens and do all organically, I love our livestock, I love living so far from a town, I love waking up every day knowing that it's a new day to learn something new, I love living in the state we are in. I love learning more about how generations past lived. I love perfecting new recipes, trying new recipes, redecorating/remodeling different rooms of our home, and I love looking out any window of our home to see nothing but a few scattered houses, trees and fields. Although I do go through occasional "city life withdrawl," I wouldn't trade my lifestyle now for anything! I strive for self-sufficientcy. I want our family to be 100% self-sufficient as soon as possible; including alternative heat, electric, and water sources, and food. Making less of foot print on this Earth, while so many others strive for materials possesions, and keeping up neighbors and friends. We have 25 acres of family land that means so much to us, 70 acres that has been rented of the family land to keep it in the family, and are striving to get the remaining 89 acres in our possesion within 2 years. We want to keep the family land with the family. Our little piece of ground has changed so much over the last 15 months. This year it will change even more. Our once hayfield, has evolved to having a home, shed, storage shed, chicken coop, fence, 3 gardens, cows, horses, pigs, and chickens. This year it will evolve a little more to include: a deck, gravel, orchard, wild garden, larger driveway, clean timber line, and the remaining fence. Not to mention a few interior changes that are required due to breakage and age. To say the first year of our homestead life has been busy is an understatement. However, I have learned so much more and found things I will never allow. Chemicals are not used on our property, not even for cleaning. Everything we use is natural or organic from animal feed to garden fertilizer/pesticides, to soaps, and food. As I venture into more photography work this year, I am anxious to share our growth, changes, and updates with you. I have really slacked keeping the web site updated since the holidays, but I hope to do better with that this year.

As so many in my generation are facing struggles, I am no different. I struggle with my personal identity, trust, finding my way/place, understanding my own emotions, and struggling to make meaningful relationships that last. My month end chapter reviews of life as I see, will show you just how the emotions go month-by-month. I am typically a positive person, but there are days(sometimes weeks!) that I am more vulnerable but it never lasts very long. I know my flaws, I know my strengths. There are days that test me and make me question every single thing I do. I moments of weakness that I struggle with my past, but like everything else, I work through it and come out stronger than before.

The one thing I can say and that never changes is that you don't ever want to push me into a corner. If I ever feel threatened, or like I'm being controlled, or being used....I will come out fighting. It will be a fight I will not back away from. I won't tolerate being stabbed in the back, I won't tolerate being physically/mentally/verbally abused, I will not tolerate interference by those that do not pay our bills/raise our children/or sleep in our beds. I will not change who I am to please anyone. I am who I am, and if you want me in your life, you will accept that. If you don't make time for me or my family, I will not make time for you. I am different than most, and am happy with who I am overall. Those involved in our lives either accept us as we are or don't need to be near us. I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe in, and it doesn't matter who it is that disagrees.

I am not who I want to be just yet, but I am better than I used be!
~Sal~