Life, Learning, Growing, and Reflection

Throughout our lives, we learn so many lessons. Our families teach us about love and life, accepting responsibility, ethic, and moral. We find friends and relationships that go along with what we are taught, and through those relationships are taught even more. We find inspiration and role models in those we associate with. Whether it be through the learned experience of hardship, or heartbreak, or through the value of friendship. We constantly learn. In my life, I have had many people who have influenced me. Many of which, probably don't even realize it. From a young age, I learned who I could count on/depend on. I learned that even though there isn't anyone who is perfect, there are many that you don't realize had influence on you until years after the fact.

For me, my earliest memories of role models were my grandparents. 4 people with different lives from each other, yet having their own unique lessons to teach. My parents and step-parents are another example of 4 people each with unique lessons to teach. A handful of friends that I got close enough to, to see their lives, their families, and learn from. To a few I came in contact with through extra-curricular activities. Those that were a role model through their guiding way, dedication to us and constant teaching - not only in the activity either. Then as I got older, there were relationships that I learned from, and their families too. There were some who had no idea, while others just became too overwhelming with lack of support, and others yet that grew without support yet failed, and in the end spending time in a relationship and growing to love the family just as I do my own.

As I try to learn something new everyday, and better myself constantly, I am able to look back through my life and see who made an impression on me. Sometimes I can only laugh when I think of certain people and shake my head at how much they taught me, however indirectly! Even though my life now, is not what I had planned 20 years ago, by looking back...I can see that it was an underlying (even passionate) thought. From an early age I can remember loving to visit my Dad's parents. They were long time farmers. My first close friends both lived on farms, one on a farm in the middle of what I thought was nowhere! The other living on a working hog farm. I loved going to their houses, and learned so much in the process. As I got older, high school age, 2 of my closest friends, although very different made huge impressions on me. One a small town girl, with a heart as big as Texas, the other a farm boy that always held my heart. Both were people I could depend on, count on, were there to cheer me on or tell me I was being a complete idiot! That small town girl is still one of my best friends today, and that farm boy...still holds my heart, even though he has passed on. His mom and dad will always be another mom and dad to me! Through early adulthood, there were 4 people that shaped me, taught me, and to some degree helped me be who I am today. All of which, looking back, held a similar familiarity. Small town, farm, and ultimately that laid back "country" life. Each of them from different geographical locations, but none of them too far from the other. The first, a man I met in high school, a friend turned relationship without understanding/support was really damned from the beginning, but taught me to feel again....even if it was intermittent. He taught me how to be passionate about some things, and to be willing to step out of my comfort/safe zone. His family taught me so much about so many areas. This relationship was the first step, while in adulthood, in the path my life has taken. The second was a small town boy, that had been a friend through high school, tried a relationship...it didn't work. Our friendship is still there. He was the first to share part of the life I have had since 1997. The third, was a man who had a completely different life and was from an area I had only dreamed of seeing. He taught me so much. He taught me to value who I was, to demand being treated with respect, to always expect more of myself, and that through diversity...you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. He had lived several life styles, and treated me better than most people I had ever been around. He is still one of my best friends today and always will be! The fourth man, a double whammy, farm boy/small town boy, eventually led me to where I am today. Although I kicked and screamed, the whole way, he has taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. After a year of trying to not care about him, he eventually became my husband. Through all our ups and downs, I can never negate everything he has taught me. The life I had unknowingly taken the path of, was the only life he had ever known. I fought it for many years, wanting a life that really didn't work for me but it was the only life I was somewhat comfortable in. Growing up in one life style with a single thought pattern, to making the leap into a life that you had only visited is rough. In the life I had growing up, it was fun to visit farms but you always went home. You may have a pet or two, but you have a typical 9-5 job, you do things with close friends, you rarely leave the family you were born into...at least you stay within a normal drive time. This man had me living 6 hours from "home," in the middle of nowhere, with very few people ever around, a split family of his own, and a completely different mindset than my own. After 15 years together, and almost 14 married, we now live on a small farm, with all the livestock, and work that goes along with it. Through the years his grandmothers, and mom have taught me to preserve our food, and so much more. I've come to respect and love the time with family, we've had a family of our own which has been a whole other learning experience, he's taught me so much. Although not all were good lessons, many have been.

With that being said, This family has influenced me for almost 14 years. They are a family that through good and bad, sticks together. They have their unique quirks, but they have taught me so much over the years. As we get older, so do our families. We have seen many family members pass on, and it saddens me knowing there was still so much to learn from them, not mention how much we miss them! While the past year has been difficult with family illness/death, we know this is all part of the grand plan. It does not make it any easier. We have had a difficult year with his mom being very ill, my grandfather passing, and his grandfather not in good health.

As we must, our lives have to keep moving. We pray for those we love, whether sick or healthy, we try to understand when others are ill and why they must go through so much, we try to keep our children grounded to the reality of life without making them bitter, we try to grow our own relationship even though it is trying at times, we have learned to compromise and argue respectfully, and we continue to grow as a family. As trying as times can be, some days it hard not to become overwhelmed, bitter, and even angry. Myself, I am finding my heart becomes harder all the time. I try to not let it, but there are days that life gets the better of me. There are days I want to throw a white flag and yell, "I give up!" It's those kinds of days, that I try to keep completely to myself and learn something from those emotions. It's those times that I call/email one of my closest friends and try to talk my way through emotions I don't handle well. Even though my husband and I talk about everything, there are just times a good friend is required to get a handle on the situations. Fortunately I have a few of those good friends that I would trust with my life. Even if others don't understand this, friends are always there - through thick and thin!

As I get my day started today, I am reflecting on life. It is so short and there is always so much more learn. Never take friendships, relationships, or family for granted. People are put in your life for a reason. Learn from those people, take those lessons away with an easy heart, and never judge anyone. Everyone faces battles in their lives, and unless you are living their life, you will never understand what they are going through, as they will never understand fully your battles. Love those who allow you in their lives, pray for those who have inner demons, and learn something from it all. Getting older is something we can not stop, but you never have to stop learning and growing.

Since we have loved ones facing illness, we continue to pray for them and hope that one way or another they will become healthy again. We know our lives must keep moving, but our thoughts are never far from our families either.
~S~