My own struggles

"Just when you think you have figured out life and love, you are thrown a curve ball
that makes you question everything you thought you knew."



In my little world, almost everything is considered very simple. Many have a job, a family, some have farms, some live in town. We have family gatherings as often as possible, and cherish every minute. We have close friends we would entrust with out lives, and consider them part of our families. Although most were born and raised here, a few of us are transplants that consider this home now. We help those in our communities, we volunteer when we can, and we work hard.

As I try to regain my balance after the holidays, I am finding so much turmoil. Not just in my own life, but in the lives of those I care the most about. I am so grateful to have some of the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and that most of them trust me enough to tell me about their lives. Although I am not a judgmental person, I often wonder how anyone could live the life my friends and family do. and why they would want to.

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay-at-home Mom for almost 11 years. While I have been able to watch my children grow, learn, change and explore; I wonder when they leave the nest, what will I do. I have devoted my whole life to the life of my children. I have days I become resentful of all that I have given up, but then I have days that I wouldn't change a single thing. I moved away from my family, to a part of the country I had not a single family member in. I quit working years ago to stay home with our oldest, and to eliminate a few arguments. I have just a few close friends here, while several of my best friends are still around my hometown. I don't see them near as often as I would like. I feel guilty when I try to go somewhere or do something without my children or husband. I am very set in my ways, and a difficult person but I try to not judge anyone. I am not a jealous type of person, and don't understand that emotion....or most emotions anymore. I work very hard to control a very hot temper, and struggle when confronted with issues because of it.

By most standards, my life is perfect. I am home with my children, we home school, I have a husband who has a great job, we have a beautiful piece of land with a nice home and as I'm so often told, "you are so lucky." I am lucky. I guess in my thoughts right now, come the phrase "wanting my cake and wanting to eat it too." I want and cherish every single thing I have but am needing something more. I think, from my reflections, I am wanting something that is just mine. Not something that belongs to my husband or children, but is mine. Whether it be money I have earned, something I have done alone, or even a job that makes me feel like I am valued and needed. Too many times, I feel like I am being taken for granted, and I don't like that feeling. My days are full of: cleaning, cooking, school work, laundry, and the constant yelling of "Mom, I need....". I wouldn't change the way our life has gone really, but some days I would love to feel wanted, needed and valued.

Some times, I find myself in an unusual position. I am home in our state and in our small farm but also at home in my hometown, a suburb of Chicago. Our life here restricts too many trips any where. I have made a few trips over the last year without my husband. I don't really like to do that for two reasons: I feel guilty, and I have gotten to where I don't like to drive anymore. I can handle short trips, but the long drives are too taxing on me. Especially since most long drives, I am alone with the kids. One trip I made last year, wasn't too bad, it was actually liberating. I drove 10 hours one way to interview for a job in Alabama. I was scared to death to make the trip! I did it though. Through horrible storms, and even drove through a couple of cities and did fine. I was scared but I did it. I felt free and able to conquer the world. Even though I did not get the job, I not only realized that I could still do anything I set my mind to, I was able to force myself to do something way out of my comfort zone to better myself. I am finding that after 11 years out of the work force, I have basically zero usable skills but that too is something I am trying to work on.

As someone who is very duty/responsibility driven, when I can't accomplish my goals, for whatever reason, it frustrates me. It either pushes me to work harder, forces me to review my goals and adjust them as needed, or it makes me madder than hell and drives me to accomplish what others tell me I can't. No matter what the road bump is, I always make it through a little stronger, smarter, and more determined. Our way of life is just a small example. I did not grow up in the farm mind-set. I never even had that passion that drives people to choose that way of life. I was always fascinated with it, had a few encounters with it, but to actually say "I want the farm life," never happened. After marrying a man who had grown up in this life, I chose it - inadvertly. To say I fought it, would be an understatement! The first 7 years we were married, was a constant struggle and a very ugly battle. I went from living a life that was fast paced, traveling constantly, going out, and being with a person who valued me; to living cut off from most civilization, being the wife of a hunter/fisher who was constantly gone, to being a mom, facing cervical cancer and not being anywhere near my family or friends. I married into a great family but never really felt like I fit in, but still attempted to learn a lifestyle so foreign to me. During those early years, I gardened(with gritted teeth), learned to can our harvest(and felt so stupid in the process), learned that you can never rely on anyone, and that even some of the greatest friends can flip a switch to become someone who makes you so uncomfortable and edgy. It was the early days of my life in the country that pushed(more like shoved!) me to where I am today. The good and the bad of those early days really shaped me.

Over the course of the 16 years that I have been here, there have been many lessons learned, many eye-opening exchanges, and so many new skills learned. Although the first 7 years of my marriage were horrible at best, the current 7 year group has been better but still plenty of issues and differing opinions. I have learned to love the art of gardening, and even strive to make more gardens and do all organically, I love our livestock, I love living so far from a town, I love waking up every day knowing that it's a new day to learn something new, I love living in the state we are in. I love learning more about how generations past lived. I love perfecting new recipes, trying new recipes, redecorating/remodeling different rooms of our home, and I love looking out any window of our home to see nothing but a few scattered houses, trees and fields. Although I do go through occasional "city life withdrawl," I wouldn't trade my lifestyle now for anything! I strive for self-sufficientcy. I want our family to be 100% self-sufficient as soon as possible; including alternative heat, electric, and water sources, and food. Making less of foot print on this Earth, while so many others strive for materials possesions, and keeping up neighbors and friends. We have 25 acres of family land that means so much to us, 70 acres that has been rented of the family land to keep it in the family, and are striving to get the remaining 89 acres in our possesion within 2 years. We want to keep the family land with the family. Our little piece of ground has changed so much over the last 15 months. This year it will change even more. Our once hayfield, has evolved to having a home, shed, storage shed, chicken coop, fence, 3 gardens, cows, horses, pigs, and chickens. This year it will evolve a little more to include: a deck, gravel, orchard, wild garden, larger driveway, clean timber line, and the remaining fence. Not to mention a few interior changes that are required due to breakage and age. To say the first year of our homestead life has been busy is an understatement. However, I have learned so much more and found things I will never allow. Chemicals are not used on our property, not even for cleaning. Everything we use is natural or organic from animal feed to garden fertilizer/pesticides, to soaps, and food. As I venture into more photography work this year, I am anxious to share our growth, changes, and updates with you. I have really slacked keeping the web site updated since the holidays, but I hope to do better with that this year.

As so many in my generation are facing struggles, I am no different. I struggle with my personal identity, trust, finding my way/place, understanding my own emotions, and struggling to make meaningful relationships that last. My month end chapter reviews of life as I see, will show you just how the emotions go month-by-month. I am typically a positive person, but there are days(sometimes weeks!) that I am more vulnerable but it never lasts very long. I know my flaws, I know my strengths. There are days that test me and make me question every single thing I do. I moments of weakness that I struggle with my past, but like everything else, I work through it and come out stronger than before.

The one thing I can say and that never changes is that you don't ever want to push me into a corner. If I ever feel threatened, or like I'm being controlled, or being used....I will come out fighting. It will be a fight I will not back away from. I won't tolerate being stabbed in the back, I won't tolerate being physically/mentally/verbally abused, I will not tolerate interference by those that do not pay our bills/raise our children/or sleep in our beds. I will not change who I am to please anyone. I am who I am, and if you want me in your life, you will accept that. If you don't make time for me or my family, I will not make time for you. I am different than most, and am happy with who I am overall. Those involved in our lives either accept us as we are or don't need to be near us. I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe in, and it doesn't matter who it is that disagrees.

I am not who I want to be just yet, but I am better than I used be!
~Sal~