Reflecting...

There are many times in life, that I find myself reflecting. That reflection can be on life in general, relationships, family, friends, or any number of other stuff. When I reflect on different aspects in my life, that's when I tend to find peace. Usually though, when I do reflect, it's because something made me slow down enough that I can hear my own thoughts and emotions.

While I am not a religious person, I am a very spiritual person. I truly believe that people and situations are brought into our lives to teach us. I believe from every hardship, every failed relationship, every lost friendship, even the loss of loved ones are intended to teach us something. While I don't always know what that "something" is, I believe in it.

The past 24 months have been quite the ride for our family. It started when my Mother-In-Law became ill in March of 2012. That in and of itself has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and has been very bad for about 3 months now. In November of 2011, I lost one of my very best friends. October of 2012 one of my grandfathers passed away. March of 2013 my husbands grandfather passed away, and now October 2013 my last grandmother passed away. With all the illness and passings, it almost requires you to slow down and think. You can barely recover, emotionally from one thing, before something else is thrown at you.

I am not an overly emotional person, so issues that require emotions tend to make me stop in my tracks. As is the feeling with the loss of any loved one, it's sad and relief at the same time. We will miss their Earthly appearance, yet rejoice in their journey back home without the pain and suffering. When emotions sneak up on me, it throws my balance off. I don't usually cry, but I withdraw into my own thoughts. I slow down and remind myself of the memories made with whomever has passed. It's difficult for me to talk about what I am feeling, because honestly...I'm not always certain.

I find myself looking at the loss of another loved one, wondering what exactly I am supposed to learn from this one. This is 4 losses and one extreme illness in basically 2 years. What am I supposed to be learning? What am I supposed to take away from the lessons each of these people have given to me?

When you are a person who is not emotional, you are married to someone who is not emotional, how do you express your emotions? This has been a difficult day for me, even though I won't show it. It is difficult to go about the daily life I live, the errands and chores that are constantly here, and not have moments when I truly just want to sit and cry. I know me, and I know I will have a time that that's exactly what I'll do. No one will see, no one will know. It will be my time just release the sadness I feel before being the one that everyone depends on again.

Praying that my grandmother has finally found peace and wholeness again. I know she finished her task here on Earth and has returned home to a better place, but I also know that her physical presence will be missed.

~S~