Running on overload!

Gosh, where do I start this post?! There is always so much going on in my life and right now, it's total chaos! I guess I will begin about a week and a half ago.

A just over a week ago, my husband decided to take a week of vacation time so we could work on our home. The plan was to get the new addition up, framed, doors/windows in, new roof on the whole house and the new siding on. Honestly, if anything in my life ever followed the original plans, I wouldn't know what to do! We did get the new addition up, framed, windows and 1 door in, and paper put on the new roof. The second door has yet to be put in, the new roof(which is desperately needed) has yet to get put on, none of the siding is up, and we still have 10 new windows to put in the rest of the house. None of this even accounts for the fact we still have to put in a new power load center, the new furnace, and run electricity to the shed. Then, we still have 8 rooms left inside the house to get done. Once I can get some of this stuff out of 2 of the rooms, I can get the new drywall put up in both of them and get them trimmed out pretty quick.

In addition to a complete, whole house remodel, I am working 3 nights a week and finishing my school work for a second part-time job. Which will take up 3 day times per week. Plus, I have 2 kids that I am educating, getting curriculum set for, and both at definitive stages in school(K and 8th). Now, you throw in the time of year that it is, and you have an immediate recipe for disaster! We have the oldest one with a birthday in September, the Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then, I am taking an entire weekend to celebrate my 40th the end of December.

Then I find out that my husband is considering quitting his job. I know he's tired of dealing with employees that don't want to do their jobs, but he has a job that is pretty good and fairly close to home. I am struggling to regain my solid ground, and I'm afraid that I spend more time just teatering on the edge. He has stuff he'd like to do around here, and the hunting thing has once again taken over finances and time. I am seeing another roller coaster ride, and I am not liking it one bit!

My schooling is getting closer to being done. I am schedule to be finished the 15th of August. Right now, I am still carrying a 94% average but it has slipped about 3% because of no time, lack of quiet time to actually study and feeling like I am up to my neck in trying to keep everyday life here in check.

I am going to keep this post short because it would be very easy to vent, rant and rave about issues that are causing me too much stress. Here is a quick look at the addition we have put on.

The new addition framed in.

Salli

Gratitude

So, my baby steps toward finding my own happiness, have begun. Finding inner peace and happiness with myself has never been overly difficult for me. However, the past 9 months, it's been non-existent. I have been stressed beyond imagination, unhappy with life, and miserable. Not to mention making my family basically walk on eggshells because my moods are so touchy. I am beginning to take note of all the things, in my life, that I have to be grateful for...believe me there are so many! My journey to finding myself again, is beginning with my journal of course, and my blog.

I am taking time every morning to recognize the beauty in my life. I am also reminding myself daily that I am who I am. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I am recognizing that there are days that I am just not mentally capable of achieving my own lofty goals, and days I need to just take a break and read or whatever I need to quiet my own mind. I am at skilled multitasking, almost to my own undoing. At any given point, I will have a page of to-do lists going, more projects going than I don't know what, and my mind moves about 5 miles a minute. Taking time to unwind, and quiet my mind has become a necessary evil. I know there are others out there that have everything together and can do/be all, and I have tried. I can't always do that. I believe that helped to bring me down. Trying to be everything to everyone, do everything and then some that was expected of me, and biting my tongue to keep peace, hasn't helped either. Throw in the run-away emotions, hormones, and isolation and you have the recipe for depression.

So, I am sharing my recipe to happiness, for me anyway. I am starting with gratitude. Even the trials I have faced in life have brought me to who I am. They have made me stronger and more capable of accomplishing anything I choose to tackle in my life. The trials showed me that I am not only strong enough to prevail, but that no matter what the trial may be, I can succeed with a little more effort and perseverance.

Gratitude is something, I learned a long time ago, will not only make you stronger but also allow you to receive more to be grateful for. I have been shown time and time again, how much I have to be grateful for. So many people focus only on the trials in their lives, and they dwell on situations they can not change. I have become one of those people and I don't like it. Especially knowing, in my heart, that I have so much to be grateful for.

As I have spent nearly 2 weeks, finding my gratitude again, I have found my peace of mind returning, and my confidence. I am not who I once was, and I refuse to fall back into the "poor me," frame of mind. With each new day, I am finding my feet, finding the strength to pull myself out of the doldrums of misery, and I know I will find myself in the process.

My gratitude always begins with my family; my husband, my kids, my home, and our crazy but wonderful life. After packing up my old life, and leaving everything and everyone I knew behind, I found a new life. A life of farming, livestock, living in God's country, slower lifestyles, and more meaningful relationships, than I had ever known. Instead of the break neck speeds, the being friendly with people just to advance yourself, relationships that were based on lies and deceit, and never having real roots; I found not only peace of mind, but also, a slower way of life, genuine people with real morals and values, honest relationships with no deception, the value of neighbors and friends, and the craziest one of all....roots! Having roots with my own family, something I did not feel growing up or even in my early 20's. I am finding that there is such contentment with knowing that we have a home, and precious soil to call our own. A place that my kids love, and want to be. A place where we can grow, learn, and be faithful to our spirits. I am learning to accept that relationships are so much more than just a piece of paper that legally binds 2 people together. Relationships are a lot of work, require such a degree of trust and friendship that have to be nurtured. Marriage is not something that just happens, as I'm sure anyone on Facebook who reads some of the posts will agree, it must be built, nurtured, and continually maintained to continue to grow and succeed. There are no perfect relationships, nor are most relationships ones that can not last(unless it's abusive). Relationships can and do work with both partners working together, both partners remembering to consider the others thoughts/feelings, and if you walk away from those relationships, it's not because they couldn't work. It's because you chose to not make them work.

So, I am working towards my piece of mind, body and spirit. Through all the ups and downs life throws at me, I have always come out stronger and more capable than before hand. This little blip is no different. Wishing you all a little peace!

~Sal

As the smoke begins to clear...

For 9 months, my mind has felt like is was running on overload. A constant, nagging desire to find peace and contentment again. Instead of either of those, I have found resentment, chaos, depression, anger, and sadness. It's hard to pinpoint any one event that would set off such an unlikely state of mind for myself, but rather a string of events that just overwhelmed my delicate balance. Not an individual person, or even 2 people but a multitude of people and events, set me off on an emotional roller coaster that I can not seem to stop. Throw in several goals that have failed, several issues that I can not seem to get resolved, and you have the recipe of the chaos that has been cluttering my mind for many months.

Knowing you have a family, which consists of 2 children that depend on you 24/7, a husband who tries to understand but being of the male species has no hope of ever completely understanding, no family of your own to depend on and knowing the closest friends I have left in my life....I have pushed away because of living so far away and trying to be the best mom and wife I can; creates a margin of loneliness that is so unbearable sometimes. All of this does not even touch on the fact of living in the middle of nowhere, although I love it, it feels pretty isolated sometimes. I am not a trusting person by nature, so having people that I trust or value enough to talk to about much of anything, is far fetched. I love my home, where I live, and my family but sometimes I wonder why I can't get time for myself or time to see some of the friends I have pushed away. I wonder why and how my life became so different than what I wanted, or even how it was just a few years ago.

As I begin this new journey and stage in my own life, I know that I am going to have off days. I know that, from what I'm told, the emotional roller coaster of women leaving the child-bearing years, will come and go. I have not really spent much time dealing with emotions in years, so that has been the hardest thing for me. I don't handle emotional stuff well, am better at arguing to prove a point than being calm and rational, I am in extremely new territory. I need calm, peace of mind, someone I can talk to and say everything that is on my mind without judgment and without fear of backlash, someone I can trust to never repeat anything I say, and someone that will hug me and tell me that even though I can't see it right now, everything will be ok. Although my husband tries to be supportive, he can't understand. He can't be expected to even. Men do not have this crazy hormone thing.

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling for me, as of late. I woke up feeling empowered, alert, and in control. I woke up feeling that I could handle anything that is thrown at me. I woke up ready to take on all my projects, all my issues, and ready to make the necessary changes to get where I want to be. How weird is that?! I can't rationalize or even put a finger on why, but even though there are so many concerns for some of the issues, I feel like I am ready to deal with them. I am ready to take charge of projects, and start pushing them along instead of dreading them. I am ready face the chaos that has enveloped my life for so many months. I am ready to find me again. Maybe it was because I decided to make an overnight trip all by myself to have the time I need to clear my head, maybe because I am finding out that so many Moms are needing and taking time for themselves no matter what society thinks, or maybe it's just finally time for this mom to get control of my own life/thinking/expectations. No matter what anyone else believes is right or wrong, no matter how crazy my family may believe I am; I know that there is so much more to who I am as a person and I haven't been fair to them by not showing them. I do not want my children growing up to believe that it's ok to block out who they are as people just to fill someone else's expectations of who they should be.

As a person who depends on writing in a journal, I found some amazing things about myself that I had not only forgotten about, but didn't even know. The last several months, I have written in my journal and the last few days, I have reread some of my entries. I found some amazing things. Whenever I am doing something creative, or having to design or build something, I am at peace. My entries are positive, upbeat, and so descriptive. Not to mention the peace of mind, and pride I felt at the time of creating/designing something all on my own. The creativity that required all my attention, and pulled something in me to be and do and use a little imagination. As much as I preach and teach my children to be creative and use their imagination, I have not been leading by example. I have neglected to follow my own teaching and beliefs. Pretty hypocritical, I know, but it is what it is. How do I change this? I'm hoping that 24 hours of time away will help this. I need to be able to find my feet and clear my head enough to push this creativity back to the forefront of my mind.

Since creativity comes in so many different forms, I am sure I can find a place for it in my life again. From the photography work I have thoroughly loved, to building solid/heirloom furniture, to my gardens and flower beds, I am certain that my own creativity can find its way back to the surface! I once used my creativity to design flower arrangements, both fresh and silk flowers, and even designed them for several weddings. I have used creativity to decorate the homes we have lived in to fit our lives and make them all feel like home. I have recently started building furniture again and you know, the most amzing thing happened again, I found peace of mind, body and spirit. I found some imagination again. I was doing something productive, and the designs were all my own. The pieces I designed and built, as a dear friend explained to me, are now heirloom pieces that can be enjoyed for many years to come. Now, I am looking at my camera. It is not professional photography equipment, but it takes beautiful pictures. I want to be able to show the world through my eyes. I want to show the beauty that I see, through photos. I want to take photos that not only show beautiful people, but beautiful places even if long forgotten. I love writing and sharing stories of the chaos that encases my life, the good/bad and the ugly. I love to write short stories and even retell stories of people that have a place in my heart. I want to open my home to friends and family alike, and share my life. Although I know my life is so different than most of my friends and family, I want to share so much with all of them that they may not know or even care to know. I want to re-find the woman that was compassionate, caring, empathetic, fun, and true to herself. I want to re-find the woman that would never slight herself and would never listen to all the negative self-talk in her head, knowing that she was doing the best she could do in everything she was doing. The woman that would strive for goals, never negate her value and worth, and was not only sure of herself but was happy with who she was. The woman that was always a little unconventional, but always sure of where she heading. Never really doubting where she wanted to go, and willing to face a few obstacles to accomplish her goals.

As someone who, as I was reminded my a friend dear to my heart, was driven by goals and would never settle for less than I deserved...I need to find that woman again. I need to find the strength, desire, drive and determination again. I need to set my goals, work towards them, let go of the things and people that cause me stress, and root myself again. I can not be a good mom, wife or friend without remembering and becoming me again. The last 9 months, I have become someone I don't like very well. All the negativity, self-doubting, and miserable person I have become...is very unbecoming! I refuse to continue in this state of mind. I can not nor will not keep on this path. I do not like this gloomy person I have become. I do not like feeling isolated, alone, worthless, and useless. I will not let myself stay on this course.

The smoke is beginning to clear in my head, and I am finding my strength again. I know there will be set backs, and some negativity will surely come about as I begin my personal journey back to my own happiness, but I am ready. I am ready to face the music, and jump on the new goals and become the woman I know has been hidden beneath all this negative crap for so long. I am a good person, and love with all my heart but when my heart is sectioned off with the feeling off loss, neglect, resentment, fear, and self-loathing...there isn't much left to give. It's time to clear out the feelings that are no longer serving their purpose to love again, with my whole heart.

It feels good to see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I hope to never lose sight of it again. Thank you to all my readers, even those not registered, for giving me an outlet and the beautiful private messages you have sent me. You have no idea how much those mean to me!

Until we meet again,
Salli