As the smoke begins to clear...

For 9 months, my mind has felt like is was running on overload. A constant, nagging desire to find peace and contentment again. Instead of either of those, I have found resentment, chaos, depression, anger, and sadness. It's hard to pinpoint any one event that would set off such an unlikely state of mind for myself, but rather a string of events that just overwhelmed my delicate balance. Not an individual person, or even 2 people but a multitude of people and events, set me off on an emotional roller coaster that I can not seem to stop. Throw in several goals that have failed, several issues that I can not seem to get resolved, and you have the recipe of the chaos that has been cluttering my mind for many months.

Knowing you have a family, which consists of 2 children that depend on you 24/7, a husband who tries to understand but being of the male species has no hope of ever completely understanding, no family of your own to depend on and knowing the closest friends I have left in my life....I have pushed away because of living so far away and trying to be the best mom and wife I can; creates a margin of loneliness that is so unbearable sometimes. All of this does not even touch on the fact of living in the middle of nowhere, although I love it, it feels pretty isolated sometimes. I am not a trusting person by nature, so having people that I trust or value enough to talk to about much of anything, is far fetched. I love my home, where I live, and my family but sometimes I wonder why I can't get time for myself or time to see some of the friends I have pushed away. I wonder why and how my life became so different than what I wanted, or even how it was just a few years ago.

As I begin this new journey and stage in my own life, I know that I am going to have off days. I know that, from what I'm told, the emotional roller coaster of women leaving the child-bearing years, will come and go. I have not really spent much time dealing with emotions in years, so that has been the hardest thing for me. I don't handle emotional stuff well, am better at arguing to prove a point than being calm and rational, I am in extremely new territory. I need calm, peace of mind, someone I can talk to and say everything that is on my mind without judgment and without fear of backlash, someone I can trust to never repeat anything I say, and someone that will hug me and tell me that even though I can't see it right now, everything will be ok. Although my husband tries to be supportive, he can't understand. He can't be expected to even. Men do not have this crazy hormone thing.

Today, I woke up with a strange feeling for me, as of late. I woke up feeling empowered, alert, and in control. I woke up feeling that I could handle anything that is thrown at me. I woke up ready to take on all my projects, all my issues, and ready to make the necessary changes to get where I want to be. How weird is that?! I can't rationalize or even put a finger on why, but even though there are so many concerns for some of the issues, I feel like I am ready to deal with them. I am ready to take charge of projects, and start pushing them along instead of dreading them. I am ready face the chaos that has enveloped my life for so many months. I am ready to find me again. Maybe it was because I decided to make an overnight trip all by myself to have the time I need to clear my head, maybe because I am finding out that so many Moms are needing and taking time for themselves no matter what society thinks, or maybe it's just finally time for this mom to get control of my own life/thinking/expectations. No matter what anyone else believes is right or wrong, no matter how crazy my family may believe I am; I know that there is so much more to who I am as a person and I haven't been fair to them by not showing them. I do not want my children growing up to believe that it's ok to block out who they are as people just to fill someone else's expectations of who they should be.

As a person who depends on writing in a journal, I found some amazing things about myself that I had not only forgotten about, but didn't even know. The last several months, I have written in my journal and the last few days, I have reread some of my entries. I found some amazing things. Whenever I am doing something creative, or having to design or build something, I am at peace. My entries are positive, upbeat, and so descriptive. Not to mention the peace of mind, and pride I felt at the time of creating/designing something all on my own. The creativity that required all my attention, and pulled something in me to be and do and use a little imagination. As much as I preach and teach my children to be creative and use their imagination, I have not been leading by example. I have neglected to follow my own teaching and beliefs. Pretty hypocritical, I know, but it is what it is. How do I change this? I'm hoping that 24 hours of time away will help this. I need to be able to find my feet and clear my head enough to push this creativity back to the forefront of my mind.

Since creativity comes in so many different forms, I am sure I can find a place for it in my life again. From the photography work I have thoroughly loved, to building solid/heirloom furniture, to my gardens and flower beds, I am certain that my own creativity can find its way back to the surface! I once used my creativity to design flower arrangements, both fresh and silk flowers, and even designed them for several weddings. I have used creativity to decorate the homes we have lived in to fit our lives and make them all feel like home. I have recently started building furniture again and you know, the most amzing thing happened again, I found peace of mind, body and spirit. I found some imagination again. I was doing something productive, and the designs were all my own. The pieces I designed and built, as a dear friend explained to me, are now heirloom pieces that can be enjoyed for many years to come. Now, I am looking at my camera. It is not professional photography equipment, but it takes beautiful pictures. I want to be able to show the world through my eyes. I want to show the beauty that I see, through photos. I want to take photos that not only show beautiful people, but beautiful places even if long forgotten. I love writing and sharing stories of the chaos that encases my life, the good/bad and the ugly. I love to write short stories and even retell stories of people that have a place in my heart. I want to open my home to friends and family alike, and share my life. Although I know my life is so different than most of my friends and family, I want to share so much with all of them that they may not know or even care to know. I want to re-find the woman that was compassionate, caring, empathetic, fun, and true to herself. I want to re-find the woman that would never slight herself and would never listen to all the negative self-talk in her head, knowing that she was doing the best she could do in everything she was doing. The woman that would strive for goals, never negate her value and worth, and was not only sure of herself but was happy with who she was. The woman that was always a little unconventional, but always sure of where she heading. Never really doubting where she wanted to go, and willing to face a few obstacles to accomplish her goals.

As someone who, as I was reminded my a friend dear to my heart, was driven by goals and would never settle for less than I deserved...I need to find that woman again. I need to find the strength, desire, drive and determination again. I need to set my goals, work towards them, let go of the things and people that cause me stress, and root myself again. I can not be a good mom, wife or friend without remembering and becoming me again. The last 9 months, I have become someone I don't like very well. All the negativity, self-doubting, and miserable person I have become...is very unbecoming! I refuse to continue in this state of mind. I can not nor will not keep on this path. I do not like this gloomy person I have become. I do not like feeling isolated, alone, worthless, and useless. I will not let myself stay on this course.

The smoke is beginning to clear in my head, and I am finding my strength again. I know there will be set backs, and some negativity will surely come about as I begin my personal journey back to my own happiness, but I am ready. I am ready to face the music, and jump on the new goals and become the woman I know has been hidden beneath all this negative crap for so long. I am a good person, and love with all my heart but when my heart is sectioned off with the feeling off loss, neglect, resentment, fear, and self-loathing...there isn't much left to give. It's time to clear out the feelings that are no longer serving their purpose to love again, with my whole heart.

It feels good to see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I hope to never lose sight of it again. Thank you to all my readers, even those not registered, for giving me an outlet and the beautiful private messages you have sent me. You have no idea how much those mean to me!

Until we meet again,
Salli